BeyondBSC

I have been seeing someone. I really like him a lot. Of course, he drinks. Is a self professed alcoholic. Coming from all the past relationships I have had, all who had a problem with alcohol, I am amazed how each person is different in the way they drink and how it effects their life. But anyways, this man, stopped drinking for 6 years. He says that his x wife wanted him to, so he did. He started again, at the end of his marriage and has continued for the past 5 years. So here I am, with this very nice, sensitive, considerate, sexy, hardworking, witty man…who is addicted to alcohol. And here I am, a daughter of a recovering alcoholic, a sister of a recovering drug addict, an x wife of an alcoholic and an x girlfriend of a psychotic alcoholic, falling for this man…with the hopes…that I will be enough to make him stop (after all, she was). If I am drinking , but do not consider myself as having a problem, and am picking men that drink, that admit that they have a problem…does the circle end again with me? Do I have a problem with alcohol or is the problem the men that I am with? I can take it or leave it (alcohol), but take it more than I leave it when I am dating someone who drinks.
I know that several folks out there are recovering themselves, as well as having a relationship or past relationship with an alcoholic. Or who are actively drinking. Can someone give me some insight to this cycle?

Barbara52

You seem to be most comfortable with what you know regardless of the fact that you also know its not good for you. I would suggest intense therapy to find the cause of this apparetnly self destructive behavior.

TakingCharge999

Hi BeyondBSC
The only thing in common is YOU...

"Do I have a problem with alcohol or is the problem the men that I am with?"

I suspect the problem is the opinion you have of yourself and what you deserve in this life.

Hugs and blessings

BeyondBSC

Ggggrrrrrrrr…intence therapy? Is there a difference between intense therapy, and therapy? I know why I do what I do. I do realize how F* up I am, at times. I have been in therapy, off and on over the years, and come out of it with a better understanding of my mind set. I have been through family counseling, marriage counseling, crisis counseling, and anger management. I am born again and never feel alone, even when I feel alone. I feel as though the only way I can get a straight answer as to why I continue on this path, with limited disruption to my existence, is if I live in a bubble, alone, forever. After all, isn’t that what needs to be done to stop “self destructive” behaviors? Maybe, I am not asking the question right. I have been fortunate to have the people in my life that I have had, and they have had problems. But that has not made me love them any the less. And it also has not made me give up myself for them. (my X Psycho BF excluded, no commitment there at all). My father is a successful man with a loving family, my brother is the best father I have ever witnessed, my x husband helped to raise two very good boys…there has been a lot of good in my life. Good, despite alcoholism. So, I think that I am attracted to good people. Maybe early on in the relationship is the time to feel the person out, to see if they want to make a change for the better, (it was tongue in cheek when I said “after all, she was”). If I don’t drink, and tell him that I don’t want drinking to be part of my life…is that a good approach? Should I come right out and ask him, “hey babe, do you plan on being drunk forever, or just on special occasions?”? Where do I set the boundaries? I like this man. I am cautious. With my money, my kids, my home, my feelings. I am not “taking care” of him. I am working on myself, working through it, that thing called life. So therapy, is not what I need at this moment. Some insight on how to survive in the real world is what I need.
any takers?

Bernadette

In the REAL world is exactly where we all are whether we deny it or not!

Start by asking yourself if you can accept this man just as he is.
Today.
Don't ask him what he plans to do about his drinking/not drinking.
There's nothing you can do about that. Nothing.

Just ask yourself if you can accept him AS IS 100%.

If the level he is drinking at now is bugging you, can you accept it?
If his alcoholism progresses unchecked can you accept it?

You don't get to pretend you don't know what you're getting in to. That would be DENIAL and you clearly said you want some REAL WORLD advice.

Is it convenient for YOU to be in a relationship with an alcoholic because then you give yourself an easy excuse not to look at your own drinking or your own faults or dreams?

Is the thought of intimacy with a man who does not have the crutch of alcohol and the excuse of addiction a scary thought for you? I mean what does your dream relationship look like? Is there an active alcoholic in that picture? If so then keep on your path- you seem to be going after exactly what it is that you really want! Don't hold back!

peace,
B

Ago

Therapy does you give you the tools on how to deal with the real world...that's why people do it.

or you can keep doing what you are doing....but then you will keep getting what you are getting...your choice really

BeyondBSC

Benedette, thank you. Your response really helped. I am far from in denial. And because I have had counseling, as a child, a young adult, a wife and a mother I do know what denial is…I have lived it before as well as tried to teach my children how to master the art of denial…but not anymore. The best counseling I have ever had is listening to my son talk about his counseling. What an eye opener that was, and I thank GOD everyday for that opportunity. That is what made me realize that I did not cause it, could not control it, and certainly did not have the cure for it! . The part that I have been missing in my mind with my new friend is the “progression”. Would I be ok with it progressing? It is discouraging to think about that aspect. Problems with intimacy…hell yeah I have problems with intimacy! Having a relationship that I have not had alcohol to blame all my problems on, yep…that is pretty scary! Problems with my own drinking, no, that I don’t have. I have to think about this situation some more. Maybe I am just not ready yet.
So answer me this…is there hope for woman like me. Will I ever be ready?

MeHandle

Hi BeyondBSC,

The simple truth is it is a choice. When you found out this wonderful man was an alcoholic you had a choice. If you know he is an alcoholic and keep getting closer romatically with him it will be harder to walk away if you choose too. If you choose to give it a try you already know the likely hood of that life. Maybe you are the kind of person who chooses to learn the hard way and has to go through a whole lot of pain for the long run instead of choose the small amount of pain to get out now. Or maybe you love him so much you know you want to stay know matter what, therefore, you need to choose upfront that you are not going to hold his alcoholic future behaviors against him because you are entering this situation with open eyes, and your want whatever moments you will get from this wonderful man, excepting he may never quit for you or for him.

You are knowingly making a choice! I could give you all sorts of 'opinions' about the "cycle." BUt lets be beyond the bs: The cycle is about choice. You can choose to ride this bike or get off. If you chose to stay on then except the responsibility.

Barbara52

Whatever the cause of the cycle, only the individual can choose to stop it when they recognize it.

Many years ago I used to have a cycle of picking men to become involved with who I knew were never going to commit to a long term relationship and then wondered why they always hurt me and left me. Yes, drinking was often involved in meeting these men. Not alcoholism but not wise levels of drinking either. Until I recognized that I was deliberately choosing that type of man I could not break that cycle. Once I did see the pattern, I could look into my own head, figure out why I did that and stop that behavior.

Only you can decide if this is a cycle you want to stop and do the hard work involved in stopping it. If you don't want to stop it, well at least you know what you may be getting into if you continue relationships with active or recovering alcoholics.

prodigal

A straightforward question deserves a straightforward answer.

The ball is in your court. The only power you have in this world, as I see it, is power over what you say and power over how to manage your own emotions. Other than that, it's pretty much out of our hands.

Answer: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You alone can determine if there is hope for you, based on the choices you make, NOT based on emotions, feelings, what is familiar; based on looking inward to what compels you to make your choices.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

counselorK

Oh...if I could only have the last six years back, when I fell in love with my man and left my AH. I'm 44. I so wish I knew about codependency 6 years ago. I'm struggling with the reality and what I'm learning was a fairly predictable choice.

I understand the attraction...please educate yourself.

I wish SR had a section dedicated to codependency.

My thoughts are with you...

Ago

They Do

It's called friends and family

If it was called "codependency forum" fewer people would come here