sophia1980

Hi Everyone
I'm looking for some advice, tips, past experiences with what to do next!

Left abf 5weeks ago, he has finally detoxed at home alone from a 3month relapse (crack & Heroin). We have had minimal contact.

2 years ago...he relapsed for about 3 weeks. I was devastated....left our home and ignored him for 2 months and then we got back tog after 6months.

I never wanted to go through that experience again! BUT it has happened again!
It has been quite a shock as the last 2 years have been great....silly me...living in a bubble!

WHat now? I have suggested at least 6months-1 year break. He says a year is far too long. I really don't want to get hurt again. I would like to see significant changes, i.e give up all drugs includ. weed.

He brought up the idea of giving up everything, as thinks smoking weed has led to his relapses.

Any advice on how much contact we should have? At the moment I think none is best, although I miss him terribly, I keep on wanting to pick up the phone! its driving me mad!

Is it wrong to give support once they are in recovery? Or should I let him get on with their own recovery path and me on mine?....I am abit stuck with what to do? meet up every soo often? keep in touch by phone?

We have some engagements coming up that we have been invited to together...he wants to go tog....I am just not sure? I feel like its his way of getting to spend some time tog...should I give him the chance? or stay away?

Last time when we had the 6month break....we just couldn't stay apart and meeting up every 2 weeks turned into every week...to twice a wk etc....However, I know this time, things have to be very different.

I just don't want to get hurt again....and after reading these boards..sometimes I think should I just quit our relationship for good as there doesn't seem to a great success rate.

Sorry for being long....my head is in a muddle!

Thanks for reading
xx

winnie12

I think time frames scare people. i think in AA they say a year before a new relationship - its always complex when its an existing relationship. if you really want it to work then maybe have goals instead of specific time frames. you have to also make promises to yourself that you wont get involved until he ______. personally, i would take using of anything out of the equation - too hard to keep your control if either one of you uses any substance. when i split from my ex i also made rules for myself - things like not answering emails until the next day, not answering the phone the first time he calls. it wasnt to play a game it was to keep me from being overemotional when i did communicate. if i had the urge to call or email him then i would make myself wait a specified time period to see if it would pass first and i only allowed myself a certain amount of communication per week. I also made rules about what i would talk about with him and what subjects were off-limits.

sophia1980

Wow winnie, thanks for advice. I admire your ability to stick to your guns and set rules. it sounds like you have great resolute. Did it get easier with time? and then did you have to finaly cut ties or did it work out? (im quite new, so do not know much about your history)

It is hard...but soo far I am managing to keep away from the phone/email etc! Hope it gets easier! Its just when I see him, my determination to refrain from being in touch goes out the window! Lesson 1-i need to stay away from him!

winnie12

He wasnt abusing substances but had computer addictions - he still hasnt admitted it and its just too sordid for me to rehash. i set the boundaries so that i wouldnt set myself up to be hurt and so that i didnt spend my ever waking moment checking emails, the phone, basically sitting around waiting for him. We finally cut ties completely. Now, I'm glad because my life is much simpler without him. Those little rules not only saved me a lot of pain but really helped me keep my dignity. Sometimes with someone you have a lot of chemistry with its best to keep the in person meetings to a minimum - the way i look at it now is that my body is a gift not to be given to someone who doesnt respect me - if i dont respect my body then they surely arent going to.

shockozulu

It wouldn't surprise me. Once that door is opened with any drug that reduces a person's inhibitions its easier for them to say "yes" to the next craving that comes along.

Because my addict is a birth parent who was a large part of my life I don't want to let go completely.

My experience was that I needed to set boundaries with my addict (my mother...although her parents basically raised me). When she broke them, I cut off contact for over two years. After that, I visited her once a month in the rest home where she now resides (has been there since her 50s due to broken bones from her overdoses). When she broke the boundaries again, I cut off contact for over a year and now our relationship is limited to snail mail letters. This gives me control to when I am emotionally able to open them.

For example, I received a letter the day before I left for vacation on the 5th of this month. It is still sitting on our little table for the time when I am ready and emotionally able to open it.

I never set "time limits". I based my limits on when I was able and ready to deal with her and her addiction. She hasn't been clean in the traditional sense for many years, but for periods of time she was only using the lowest level of pain killers as needed. Other times she has been able to get the doctor at the rest home to prescribe her DOC, which she admits she doesn't need, and high doses of Oxycontin.

This is just my ESH. Others here have some great shares of their experiences as well.

laurie6781

I would not tell him a time frame. Knowing what I know today, having been in recovery for a long time...............................almost 28 yrs sober and clean and almost 25 years in AlAnon, I would get my butt to AlAnon to help ME.

There I know you will learn how to set your own boundaries. Telling him something like,

"I would prefer very limited contact, until such time as YOUR ACTIONS, show you are seriously working on recovery, and seriously working on you."

That way you don't have to listen to his 'quacking.' Watch his ACTIONS from afar.

Winnie's suggestions were right on the mark. that is part of setting boundaries for one's self.

Recovery is a long long road sometimes moves slowly and sometimes quickly.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,