steve137

sorry for any redundancy here. i am really having a hard time knowing if my gf is an addict. as the story goes, 4 months ago her sister discovered a lot of heroin and coke bags, needles and crack pipes. over the next three months there were trickles of stuff being found, but no real evidence of use. then two weeks ago she took her sisters car at 4am and disappeared for 8hrs. when she was arrested, she revealed that she had slipped and had shot up- but claimed it was the prior week. court said the charges would be dropped if she attended 2 meetings a week for 4 weeks. i told her she could stay with me that time and i would help her get to meetings. two weeks later- no meetings. in fact she partied until 4am thr and fri and sat went to her friends house to console her after a break up. she said it would only be a couple hrs. she came home 1030 this morning. i packed her stuff up today and brought it to her dad's. i told her i was bothered by her actions and neded to be alone tonight. she turned it on me adn said she was sorry for staying out, but that if we were living together out west as we had been talking about i wouldnt be able to do that and that i need to decide if i want to be single or not. not to mention she smokes a bit of weed every night and several days a week. its like she thinks she cannot function without it. i dont know if i am doing the right thing by ending the relationship or if i shoud tell her she can only be with me if she makes an effort to quit everything, including the weed until she gets a taste of being completely sober for several months.

Ann

What part of the heroin, crack pipes, needles, disappearing at 4 am after taking a car without permission, admittedly using heroin, staying out all night and defensive behaviour...would make you think she is NOT an addict.

Of course she is. What you need to decide is if you want to live like this for the next 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life?

All said with love in my heart, you just appear to need straight answers.

Hugs

Ann

Steve, it occurred to me that you have had several threads here basically asking the same question.

I think you already know the answer. Which begs the question...what are you doing about YOU?

cessy68

Steve,

I can't believe that is a real question. It's almost reading to me like you are jokeing with people here on SR.

Are you serious?

If you are, then I agree with ann.

What part of doing weed every night, shooting up, disappearing don't you understand?

Seriously, this is almost to crazy to even respond to. Most of us at least "get" that we have addicts in our life.

You seriously need to wake up if you aren't joking.

greeteachday

Uhhhh, yeah... And needing the night off from her isn't goinna get you where you need to be. But maybe she still needs to steal your car and your debit cards and credit cards and whatever else can let her keep partying before you can see that she is an addict.

If it looks like a duck...

steve137

i appreciate the honesty, and no, this isnt a joke. just a naive guy who wants to beleive this isnt so. this is the closest person to me who has ever struggled wit hthis stuff. i have known people deep into their addictions to heroin coke and alcohol; pot has never seemed to be a problem with people i know, its always used on occasion. with my gf, i guess i wantot believe that she has only been dabbling, that it hasnt gotten a total grip on her, that with the right support and education she can stay clean. i dont know how often she has slipped. i dont know for sure she used anything last night, but at the same time pot isnt going to keep her out 15hrs. i know everythnig looks bad. and now after 4 months i am at the point that even the pot is bothering me. the excuses for her using are that it helps her cope with not using hard stuff, that it helps her deal wit hliving at her dads. truth is she has used it daily for 11 yrs. staying with me is easy, she shouldnt need to use it. i hate thinking the worst of people. i think, if she loves me how can she be doing this. i only partly dont want to keep my head burried in the sand. but, i dont want to enable her. i dont know what to say to her.

Spiritual Seeker

"truth is she has used it daily for 11 yrs." Yes - you have answered your own question.
I know that our natural instinct is denial. Been there done that.

She will not get sober for you. If she does someday it will be because her life is unmanageable.

Is this someone you would want to be the mother of your children/
Someone you are proud to build a life with. If not, then what are you doing living together.
Perhaps it is time to focus on yourself and what you want.

Freedom1990

People who use needles don't 'dabble'. Take it from a former IV user.

She's an addict, end of story, no further explanation needed.

Freedom1990

I also wanted to add, please get some help for yourself whether it's some counseling, Naranon, or Alanon. Even if you get her out of your life, you'll pick another sick one guaranteed.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt too.

steve137

yes, i will be attending naranon. the good thing is, iwas worried about how she would take the break up. she was understanding, has made arrangements to move in with a friend who is 3 years clean, and said she can now focus on her recovery. so it turned out to be positive all the way around.

greeteachday

Freedom said what I was thinking...If you saw evidence of IV use not too long ago, there's no way she is dabbling. I lost my daughter to drugs...she never got to the point of injecting...but she was an addict...Just turned 20 ....snorted heroin for 6 months then tried for another 6 months to stop. Ready, but not willing to do whatever it took to stop. Sadly, no one dabbles in heroin and if she is using pot to try not to use heroin, she isn't addressing the underlying issue. Drugs are just a symptom of the disease.

But how about you? Denial is just a symptom of our disease. Have you thought about Naranon or Alanon? Whether you stick to keeping her out or not, may be worth exploring codependent tendencies...You deserve a happy and healthy life. Hugs.

greeteachday

We posted at the same time...I'm really glad things look brighter and that you are going to check out meetings!

PM me if you want to know some good Jersey meetings - We're really lucky to have lots of terrific Naranon meetings - life savers for sure

frankly

Steve - When I don't like the answer to my own questions, I tend to grab on to "maybe" and hold on for dear life, I will ask the question again, and again, in hopes that someone will say the words that I want to hear, not the reality, because then, "I" have to accept something that I really don't want to accept. It hurts. You are having to pull away from someone you love. You WANT to believe her, but your gut tells you different.

As the others pointed out above, she is addicted. Say those words out loud Steve, and accept them. Then look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, are you addicted to her? There is a reason that you would put up with the actions of an addict, it is called CO-Dependent. I myself am a recovering co-dependent, and just like the addict, I have to take it one day at a time, I slip up some times.

Steve, you are probably a co-dependent, but, you are taking the steps you need to take to start the process of healing, I'm not talking about weather or not she stays, I'm talking about what you are doing, going to meetings, asking questions here. It's all good steps. It's hard at first, but it gets easier. Keep taking it one day at a time.

Hugs and Prayers
B

Abundance

Steve- you have gotten some good ESH here.

I was talking to my friend who told me that she and her bf broke up because he just kept on using coke and her bottom was when she talked to him and he was out having lunch on ecstacy with someone who was sober. That is what made her realize - he is using drugs to cope and live.

Well - she then says that he had called her wanting money because his atm card was lost/stolen and he needed cash! Now get this- he works at a bank!!! So anyway - I'm looking at her like this guy's bull sh!t meter is going off! And so she says... "no no... seriously - he really did need some cash.... because ......" And goes on about this "crazy making ridiculous OMG his world his crumbling story". And I'm letting her really listen to herself as she tells it - and she catches herself and was like ... "OMG - I'm totally co-dependent!?!" I didn't have to say a thing to her.. she just heard herself!

I wanted to believe that my guy just dabbled - but then more crazy stories and drama started coming up. HIS life was becoming un-manageable and I wasn't going to sit around and take a front row seat. Although - it took me some time for me to come to that conclusion.

When I was 25 and newly divorcing my AH... I went to therapy ... and the 3rd out of 4th session with her - she told me that I was totally codependent! I couldn't believe that she figured that out so quick! And the last thing she told me- "Get help now before you wind up back in a similar situation. Look out for what type of character I attract." She said I was a magnet for drug abusers.. that I just sent off sirens for it! After about 7 years or so - I was in the clear - but then I had my "codie relapse".

Keep posting .....

steve137

yes, i am aware of my codependent tendencies. it is easy for me to believe the bad truths about other people i see doing drugs and behaving badly, but wit hthis girl i am almost powerless. it has taken everything inside me to not fully fall under her spell and to get out. i still have that voice that says- it's really no big deal, so she fell asleep at her friend's house. maybe two weeks ago there really was an emergency. but deep down i know better. i feel she has a secret life. this is day one, so i feel a bit sad.

sophia1980

Steve,
Many people here feel or have been through what you are going through now.

It is soo easy to believe the addict in your life, & make excuses for them. There is a desperation to get things in life back on track, have some sense of normality at home....BUT it is all under false pretences! The addict in your life still has a BIG problem.

When I think back to the cr*p I believed from my abf, I feel like a total MUG! a TOTAL MUG!... I am studying for a top professional career and I feel soooo STUPID! but my heart is in the way!

I think its good your g/f has moved in with someone else, a little distance will let you think more clearer.

I understand you feel powerless with your g/f. I still have feelings like that and I left my abf 5 weeks ago.

It will be very hard but you need to concentrate on U and 'STAYING out from under her spell'

I know you feel sad, I still cry everyday about it....but the distance is a good step!
Hope you are feeling okay today?...
Keep it up!
Hugs