What should I do about this?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
What should I do about this?
I usually post on the f&f of alcoholics but my AH is also a cocaine abuser. For once, this post isn't about what his disease is creating in our relationship and our home.
My 17 year old daughter has been away in Florida this past week with her aunt -- a much needed vacation for her (should have been me lol). She has been having a really hard time with the pending separation of her father and I. She also has some struggles in school and with her own relationships. She is just coming out of a fairly long one (almost a year).
We are very open with one another and she tells me a lot. But I have caught her in lies before around skipping school, about where she is -- you know, teenage stuff.
While she was away, her sister and I were looking for something in her room -- I certainly wasn't looking for what we found. I found two glass pipes -- one has been used, one hasn't. Now, we talk a lot about drugs and alcohol. We talk about her father's disease and how it can be genetic. She knows that his disease is not just about alcohol. She adimately abhores people who smoke dope or do any kind of drugs -- at least to me.
Now, I certainly didn't want to bring it up while she was away. She is due home tomorrow. I know she isn't looking forward to coming back to the tension and uncertainty we are currently living in. I know that I want to bring it up and anticipate that she will deny that they are hers -- that one of her friends must have left them here. I'm not naiive to the fact that young people experiment. H*ll, I was one of them. I REALLY don't want to deal with an AD as well as an AH! Any advice on how to handle this?
My 17 year old daughter has been away in Florida this past week with her aunt -- a much needed vacation for her (should have been me lol). She has been having a really hard time with the pending separation of her father and I. She also has some struggles in school and with her own relationships. She is just coming out of a fairly long one (almost a year).
We are very open with one another and she tells me a lot. But I have caught her in lies before around skipping school, about where she is -- you know, teenage stuff.
While she was away, her sister and I were looking for something in her room -- I certainly wasn't looking for what we found. I found two glass pipes -- one has been used, one hasn't. Now, we talk a lot about drugs and alcohol. We talk about her father's disease and how it can be genetic. She knows that his disease is not just about alcohol. She adimately abhores people who smoke dope or do any kind of drugs -- at least to me.
Now, I certainly didn't want to bring it up while she was away. She is due home tomorrow. I know she isn't looking forward to coming back to the tension and uncertainty we are currently living in. I know that I want to bring it up and anticipate that she will deny that they are hers -- that one of her friends must have left them here. I'm not naiive to the fact that young people experiment. H*ll, I was one of them. I REALLY don't want to deal with an AD as well as an AH! Any advice on how to handle this?
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
My youngest daughter was the addict in my life...I had always considered her the "easy" child. She had always told me during high school how much she hated drugs and cigarettes, etc. By her senior year she was smoking pot, then doing coke...It progressed and I found out much of it when she was 19 and was addicted.
I am not saying this to scare you or to suggest that because she has pipes in her room, she is an addict....Just that I think it is good that you don't have blinders on. Perhaps if I was more aware earlier, I could have established boundaries.
I would suggest that knowing what I know now from coming here and going to meetings, if I was in your position now, I would set my boundaries clearly. The boundaries are about you - not trying to control her - that always was the hard part for me to focus on when dealing with my child. What is my boundary? Perhaps - I will not accept drugs or drug paraphanelia in my house, therefore throw these away and do not bring anything into my home.
The other thing I would try to do is make it a very straight forward, none confrontational conversation. I try to live by the expression say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I'm sure she knows how you feel about drugs and alcohol; just addressing the existing situation is probably all that is needed, and if it opens the door for her talking about whatever is going on, that's a positive too.
I'm sorry this is weighing on you now with all the other things going on. I hope by having an honest conversation with your daughter and letting her know what is acceptable to you, you can address the situation and it will be a chance for her to grow. Hugs
I am not saying this to scare you or to suggest that because she has pipes in her room, she is an addict....Just that I think it is good that you don't have blinders on. Perhaps if I was more aware earlier, I could have established boundaries.
I would suggest that knowing what I know now from coming here and going to meetings, if I was in your position now, I would set my boundaries clearly. The boundaries are about you - not trying to control her - that always was the hard part for me to focus on when dealing with my child. What is my boundary? Perhaps - I will not accept drugs or drug paraphanelia in my house, therefore throw these away and do not bring anything into my home.
The other thing I would try to do is make it a very straight forward, none confrontational conversation. I try to live by the expression say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I'm sure she knows how you feel about drugs and alcohol; just addressing the existing situation is probably all that is needed, and if it opens the door for her talking about whatever is going on, that's a positive too.
I'm sorry this is weighing on you now with all the other things going on. I hope by having an honest conversation with your daughter and letting her know what is acceptable to you, you can address the situation and it will be a chance for her to grow. Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If she were my daughter, I would sit down when she gets home and discuss this as calmly as I could. Anger and strong emotions could interfere with the truth, but having an adult conversation with her may help you decide for yourself if you need to set boundaries and what they might be.
My heart goes out for you, and also my prayers. Your heart must have just sunk.
Hugs
My heart goes out for you, and also my prayers. Your heart must have just sunk.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I would be direct. Expressing your fears, concerns and boundaries for her in your home.
Try to get her to openly communicate her involvement with drugs.
You must be quite worried.
I could have done things differently when my 23 yr old addict/alcoholic son was 17.
Would the outcome be any different? We'll never know.
Really I do wish I had done things another way starting when he was two.
But we only have today and the skills we have now.
This is the time to have the best communication you can and the last yr. to have influence while she is a minor. Good Luck
Try to get her to openly communicate her involvement with drugs.
You must be quite worried.
I could have done things differently when my 23 yr old addict/alcoholic son was 17.
Would the outcome be any different? We'll never know.
Really I do wish I had done things another way starting when he was two.
But we only have today and the skills we have now.
This is the time to have the best communication you can and the last yr. to have influence while she is a minor. Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
try not to get toooo upset about what you found in your daughters room, she is a teenager, and you can never tell where they are at until you sit and have a long, long, long, talk with them.
I know you all are close, I am with my kids as well. Fortunatly they are both (the 19 and 17 ) terrified of drugs, so I never had to deal with it with them. HOWEVER, I did smoke lots of pot when I was a teen, I grew out of it at about 20. Never did I try anyother drug, I am not an addict.
Sometimes kids experiment, to do what friends are doing.... and it dosen't turn out they become addicts.
I know you are scared, just express this to her... and your reasons why...
listen to her- your gut will let you know where she is at once you do.
Hope that it goes well,
Sorry for the pain and worry you are feelin,
Love,
Cess
I know you all are close, I am with my kids as well. Fortunatly they are both (the 19 and 17 ) terrified of drugs, so I never had to deal with it with them. HOWEVER, I did smoke lots of pot when I was a teen, I grew out of it at about 20. Never did I try anyother drug, I am not an addict.
Sometimes kids experiment, to do what friends are doing.... and it dosen't turn out they become addicts.
I know you are scared, just express this to her... and your reasons why...
listen to her- your gut will let you know where she is at once you do.
Hope that it goes well,
Sorry for the pain and worry you are feelin,
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Pipes can be used to smoke pot, crack, crystal meth and other stuff.
From my perspective, her prior dishonesty is cause for concern that she is leading a secret life and snooping is justified. You are worried for her safety.
Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry not your anger. Have an agenda, why you were concerned, what you found and what you will do about it.
No doubt she will be furious that you snooped and attempt to make that, not the found pipes, the issue. No doubt she will say they belong to blah,blah,blah.
If this were me, I would require that she immediately submit to a hair test for all substances. This will show not only what might be in her system now but also what she has used over the past several months. You can purchase a kit over the internet.
Many private schools and employers require all students/ employees to submit to such tests on a random basis. They are far more accurate than urine, saliva or blood tests because substance abuse can be detected, over time.
From my perspective, her prior dishonesty is cause for concern that she is leading a secret life and snooping is justified. You are worried for her safety.
Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry not your anger. Have an agenda, why you were concerned, what you found and what you will do about it.
No doubt she will be furious that you snooped and attempt to make that, not the found pipes, the issue. No doubt she will say they belong to blah,blah,blah.
If this were me, I would require that she immediately submit to a hair test for all substances. This will show not only what might be in her system now but also what she has used over the past several months. You can purchase a kit over the internet.
Many private schools and employers require all students/ employees to submit to such tests on a random basis. They are far more accurate than urine, saliva or blood tests because substance abuse can be detected, over time.
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