ToughChoices

Our marriage is over.

I really didn't mean to tell him on Valentine's Day (seems a little harsh, no?), but that's just the way things worked out.

He was sober and sane, and we agreed that our current arrangement (living separately but still romantically involved) wasn't fair to either of us.

I want more than he can give.
He thinks my expectations of him are too high.
He is right.

I think we're both a little bit relieved to know that it's finished. We can get on with our parenting relationship and quit trying to force our romantic relationship to work.

He admits to needing alcohol (albeit less frequently than he used to need it), and I'm tired of trying to fit myself in around that need. We're both tired.

My son and I are going to move in with my parents for my last year of rotations, and, though P doesn't like it, he understands. He won't fight me about it, and I'll facilitate DS spending as much time with P as possible.

I feel good. Peaceful and excited. Sad and hopeful

We love each other, but love is not enough.

Thanks to everyone here for all of your love and support.
Happy V-Day to all!
-TC

suzieq1972

((TC))

I know how hard this has been for you. I'm sure it's even harder knowing that it is finally over. I'm so sorry that you and P couldn't work things out.

However, you sound very strong and I have a feeling you will make it through this just fine. I love reading your posts, they are always very inspirational to me.

With time the sadness will go away and more happiness will shine through.

I'm praying for you.






Sue

Ago

:ghug3

timetogo

Wow TC -- it sounds that your decision was well planned out and you are doing what is right for you and your child. I admire your courage. I admire that you will be parenting your child together -- that you have come to a place that you can communicate with your AH -- your relationship isn't over, it's simply changing.

Thank you for all of your posts -- I too gain a great deal of insight from your wisdom.

take care
laurie

Daisy30

Sounds like things went well (all things considered). I am glad you are at peace with this

I hope this peace and understanding stays with you both.


((((hugs))))

kermit

:ghug3

ToughChoices

I discovered that I was wanting, very strongly, to wait until P had another ugly alcohol incident to tell him that I was filing for divorce. That realization left me uneasy.

I wanted it to be clear that this was HIS fault.
HE was the problem.

But I realized that it was that kind of thinking that brought me to my knees in the first place. It hasn't served me well to blame P.

I just had to humbly admit that I have changed too much to be in the same relationship with him. He has changed, as well, and we are not on the same path any longer. No judgment there. Just reality.

So, I found myself telling him over brunch, in the middle of a very pleasant conversation with no alcohol, no hangover, no craziness. It seemed like a good moment for honesty.

It is very easy to slip into thinking that someone else is the problem. That someone else needs to be different so that I can be at peace. Acceptance of others is not a one time "did-it-now-it's-done" thing. I have to work everyday at accepting that THIS IS MY LIFE, and asking myself, "What do I want to do with it?".

P and I, we ran our course. I think alcohol may have sped things up a bit, but that's okay - maybe there's room for more adventures now.

Thanks for listening to me think.
-TC

Startingover2

I am sorry you are in that place, but am glad you have some peace about it. Good too that it wasn't over some drunken incident.

The next few days/weeks are going to be up and down. Hang in there.

Barbara52

{hugs}

Congrats on reaching this point. I too found it freeing to start living in realities and leaving the blame behind. I hope you continue don your path to the life you want and deserve.

Bjen

You said "love isn't enough"

That was the hardest thing EVER for me to accept. It still breaks my heart to think about the truth in that statement.....

Ago

Thank You so much for this honest share.

I came to the same realizations, ....all of them....

The wanting to "blame" and "fingerpoint" and make "them" the "problem", to leave in such a way it left me "wearing the white hat" and "'being the good man wronged"

It just doesn't matter....

Once I started getting past that point, I started wanting them to have everything life had to offer too, I started wanting them "the best" and once that shift occurred I could move into grief and out of resentment, and once it became grief and acceptance, the process of actual healing could begin.

As long as "she" and "they" were my problem, I could avoid looking at me, I had to realize that that was just as destructive an addiction as any addiction I have ever had...more so in many cases, because it triggered other addictions, and I was just addicted to "pain" and suffering.

It was a huge a-ha moment for me to realize that I could be addicted to pain, hurt, and drama, up until that point all my "addictions" had made me feel better somehow....but it served the same purpose....to keep the focus off of me and what was really going with me, what I wanted from life, what I was running from...as long as I could make someone else "the bad guy" I didn't have to look at me, my behaviors, my impact on others, and how I was harming myself, and ultimately, how all my "circumstances" in my life were of my own making, they weren't "someone else's fault, or the result of someone elses actions, I "fell in the hole" and it was up to me to "dig myself out"

It didn't matter if they got sober, or drank, or cheated, or lied, or changed or didn't change or turned blue for chrissakes, my problems were mine, I needed to take responsibility for them, myself, and my feelings and move on.

Codependency has been the most harmful, hurtful, painful, and dangerous addiction I have crossed paths with yet, and I have crossed paths with a few....relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it, and codependency was the worst. It was the most devious, and the hardest to spot, and the most subtle and devious one to spot the behaviors from, and to recover from.

I have to remind myself of this in some form or fashion in one relationship or another daily. Sometimes Hourly. Work, friendships, romantic, platonic, traffic, etc ad nauseum....the acceptance speech is a frequent visitor to my lips...as well as the third step prayer and exercises.

Thank you again, your shares always bring something up for me, always help me to see my own behaviors, you are truly an important (and loved) asset here at SR

Freedom1990

That hit me right between the eyes. Thank you! :ghug

ReadyToHelp

Excellent comment. You are there.

Blaming is what A's do, and we get wrapped up in the blame game. When I started looking at myself, and realizing how I'm contributing to my unhappiness, I started being able to let go. After all, it's up to me to create my own circumstances. He comes to the relationship As Is. If it doesn't work for me, then leave. No judgement. Just reality. (Like you said.) It's not his fault I held on tightly to something that didn't work for me.

I hope that I get a moment like you did - to be able to say "it". While he's sober. While we're calm. When it's time.

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS. I hope you feel the relief that I dream of very soon!

Good Thoughts, Hugs and Positive Energy to you!

8

Pajarito

(((TC)) Again, I am amazed at your calm way of handling things. I also am now thinking about your comment about wanting to make him the problem. I really have a lot of work to do in that area.

Thank you for being here and sharing with us. I know this path is hard- as I am taking it myself. I believe you will find more support than you ever realized you would, though. Stay strong and stay true to yourself. It has obviously served you well.

JenT1968

yep, me too.

thanks TC. I hope this brings you closer to the peace you deserve

GiveLove

I had a lot of work to do around that too.....and still do. Until I was able and willing to give up needing him to be the problem (to validate my actions) I stayed in bondage.

We say it a lot here: My life/behavior/choices/growth are the only things I truly have control over....so as soon as I moved the issues into ME, I could work on them. As long as they were still out there in HIS hands, everything based on HIS choices, I couldn't.

Hugs, TC

silkspin

ToughChoices, I've had this thought very often - just waiting for the other shoe to drop or find something incriminating; I think because it would make any decision easier. There would be something to focus the blame on. I do this because I feel so unsure of what to do and worried of making the wrong choice (which likely means I'm not ready) - so an incident would make up my mind.

Good for you for following your heart. I wish you all the best.

ToughChoices

It's a beautiful, crisp winter day here in the Midwest, and I feel GOOD.

I cry a bit now and then - the bath is a really good place for a nice long sob. When I get out of the tub I feel clean inside and out! Sometimes I get this wave of nausea at the finality of divorce - the END of my marriage. But I keep chanting, "I want my heart to stand in the sun," (Thanks for that link GiveLove - I spent WAY too much time on that site!) and I know, deep down inside, that this is the path towards that warmth and light.

This pain, this time, is not nearly so incredible as my pain before my recovery began.
No. Where. Close.

What a wild ride! My life is NOT what I always thought it would be. It is not boring. It is exciting and vibrant and untold. Who knows what the future will bring?!

There is likely pain to come - alcoholism is painful. But now it will not be the intense pain at the loss of my dreams, my love, my hope. I get all of those things back!

Things are looking up!
I'm going to go for a run and then sweat through a spin class with a friend this afternoon, and I have plans to make it to a new Al-Anon meeting this evening. My girlfriends and I are planning a relaxing girls-only spa get-a-way in May, and I found an excellent (and affordable!) preschool for my son in the town where my parents live.

Yeah for freedom!
-TC

isitme

I can't wait for the day I see as clearly as you. I'm getting there, as I can see it. I'm just not so good at acting on it and following through.

I wish I could better articulate what I'm feeling this morning. But my mind is racing. To many strong posts running through me today.

TakingCharge999

Hi TC, you rule, that's all I will say