Bordercollie

I wish that the terms alcoholism and codependency would have never touched my life. Or at least that is what I would like to think. In fact I feel a clarity that I have never felt in my entire life, but man is it painful and I now wish somebody could "fix" me. Now that I know what it is that has been in my life for the past 5 years, I am able to look back and really see WHY things happened the way they did. I now know that I am not crazy.

I have been reading these posts non-stop since realizing that this is what was going on in my life. I have to admit, it does get me through the day. Right now I NEED these stories and this support, but truthfully, I hope I get to the point where I don't have to check this message board to get through the day. I remember at one point in my life I was normal, happy and had my own healthy life with my own interests. I don't know what's happened to me.

I am 26 years old. My gut told me very quickly into my relationship that my boyfriend was probably not the one for me. We met very casually through mutual friends when we were 21 and out drinking in bars all the time. He blacked out, urinated places, didn't remember any of it and I "took care of him" everytime it happened. I kept thinking that with each next phase of our lives it would get better. I told myself "it will get better when we both move back into our parents for a while and get away from friends and the bar scene" "It will get better when we both move back out and have roomates again." "It will get better when we live together and can just be with eachother." "I know he is a really good person and it will get better when....." I was wrong every single time. I thought if I could just be happy with myself then maybe HE would be happy and not need or want to drink. It never got better, only worse and my self esteem was sucked away with each day that passed by.

I left the house we moved into together in October. Only now am I starting to grieve. I am overwhelmed every day with uncontrollable emotions. At first I was unable to feel, because the weekend that I decided to move out (and not just say I was going to, actually do it) a dear friend and first love was in a terrible accident also fueled by his addiction to alcohol. Because I have already lost my best friend to suicide, this friend being on life support and in a coma and not knowing if he would live or ever be the same delayed my grieving process over leaving my boyfriend.

I do believe things happen for a reason, and I believe that this friend was in this accident so that I could have this awakening, he sure hasn't. If he wouldn't have been in this accident the day I was going to leave my boyfriend, I don't know that I ever would have gone through with it, so in a way it was a gift for me. The only thing is that I never went through anger, sadness or grief over my breakup because I was at his bedside and at the rehab center with him for one month straight.

Now I am in my own apartment, something I used to dream about while I locked myself in the bathroom and cried when I lived with my boyfriend. I have it, it was my choice, I left, so why am I so terribly lonely, sad and miserable. I don't want him or that life, but I feel like a failure. I feel like I wasn't enough. I feel like he chose that lifestyle over me. He tells me that he is ready to grow up and over all of the drinking, but the problem is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Actions are louder than words and he tells me one thing and then blacks out every weekend out at the bars.

A few weeks I decided to cut all contact, but I am struggling so much. I am so overwhelmed. I went to Al Anon for the first time this last week and I need to see my therapist again. I write in a journal and when I cry I just read the lists I have written of why he is not for me and why I should be happy I was strong enough to leave but this whole thing is so painful.

I know what I need to do, but just feel so alone and scared. If anybody has any advice I would very much appreciate it. My story is complicated and this isn't even the half of it, but I needed to get it off of my head. I generally walk around feeling like I could cry at any moment. I guess this is better than the anger and rage I carried around just a few weeks ago. I know it's a grieving process, but I just don't know how to stop feeling like it was me and I was the problem and I failed our relationship.

Thanks to anybody who gets it and is willing to take time to read this. I am quite a mess these days.

blessed4x

I get it....it just took me about 2 decades longer than you. All of the hard work you are doing now in Alanon and counseling will give you many years of peace and freedom. If you choose, you can heal, but as I was told when I first came here "the only way out is through it".

(((hugs)))

TakingCharge999

Hi Bordercollie

I am sure wiser people will come here and give you their amazing insight.

Right now I am you. I feel exactly the same way. The only different thing is that my exAH is in total denial, says he will drink until the end of his days, and moved to an alcoholic girl right away. The hurt is beyond anything else I've lived.
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
I have felt so hopeless that I just make a point on being humble enough to give myself, my experience, my overwhelming feelings to my HP. And try to accept whatever I am feeling. I have tried rationalizing my feelings to no avail. I can just feel them and accept the intensity of them, like waves.

Another poster that goes by GiveLove shared this link(thanks GiveLove!!). It helps me remember this is just a stage in my life to step back, see the whole view, learn, recover.




And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.







Pain is an overwhelming master. This too shall pass. Be gentle with yourself. I am thinking of you.

Ago

I absolutely understand what a trying time this is for you.

Process is the key word here, please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself this process.

Grief has cycles, anger, bargaining, denial, depression, and then finally acceptance, and resolution, I found it helpful to just observe (and describe) each cycle as I felt it.

Allow it to "be", but not "be you", as in "I feel sadness" rather then "I am sad", and that helps facilitate the process, identify the feelings, aknowledge you are having them, don't let people "minimize" or "rush" you, but be careful not to "wallow" either.


You didn't "fail" anything, this man has a progressive and fatal disease that is more powerful then you. You didn't cause it, you couldn't cure it, and you (nor he) can control it. It's bigger then both of you.

You lost the man you love to alcoholism, it's no different then losing a loved one to cancer except you see the shell of the person you love walking around, and still catch glimpses of them in conversations, if he had gotten cancer and passed away, would you still feel like a failure?

No, because it's a disease you have no control over. You would feel grief, but not failure.

When I work with a sponsee the first thing I tell them is "throw away the bat, just put it down, it does nobody any good, least of all you. (the bat you are using to beat yourself up with)

When I suffered the loss that brought me to recovery 17 years ago, I lost faith in me, in God, in everything, I had never tried with all of my being to actually make something happen and "fail" before, it "broke" me, it broke my heart, it broke my spirit, it changed who I was as a human being (after I had changed myself to 'make it work')

It took me some time, and that's when I started attending meetings and working the steps, but I ended up growing into a new person, a wiser person (on occasion) a more loving person with more compassion for myself and those around me (still on occasion) but one of the things it allowed me to do, was when love comes to visit me now i honor and cherish each moment, because we truly never know when it will end.

It is heartbreaking, keep doing what you are doing, keep attending alanon, keep seeing your therapist, keep journaling, and then help those who come in behind you.

It will pass.

Oh Print this next part

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:ghug

felicidade

Oh, Ago. This made me cry so much. It is heartbreaking, this grieving process. Although, sometimes I wonder if I grieve the idea of it passing too. Like, I don't want to not miss my XRAH. As if it were a betrayal to finally be over him. (I'd put the codie police smilie here, but I can't find it)

Bordercollie - I also wished that alcoholism and codependence hadn't been introduced to me. Even my XRAH sort-of apologized for the introduction, saying that "Dire Wolf" (Grateful Dead) reflected his inability to change the situation we were in.

But, now, I'm grateful (no pun) for having lived in it, because in recovery I have become a better person, mother, friend. It is the most painful lesson I have had, so far.

As for the codie part, last week, I read the newly revised "Codependent No More" and found it very useful (more than the older version actually.) I really recommend it, as she talks about grief with great poignancy. In fact, she notes that often the behaviors of the grief-stricken mimick codependent behaviors - which really did help me. I recommend it.

Ago's suggestions are really good, and I don't think I can add much to them. I would just say, for me, that waiting for it to pass wasn't really letting go. The acceptance/resolution is step 3 for me over and over again.

Much love dring this time for you.