bluebelle

I am getting really tired of listening to my ABF's whining. He's been back in recovery for about 2 months. He often talks about how bad he feels trying to recover from taking the Oxycodone for 5 months. Of course, if he hadn't relapsed, he wouldn't be feeling so awful now. He got himself in this situation by taking codeine for 7 years and then relapsing.

I've had some sinus problems on and off for the past month. I told ABF that I was sick of having a sore throat, etc. Of course, he has to tell me how much worse he feels...

Now, he's caught my cold. He's been sick for two days. Can you imagine the whining and complaining? Last night he had to tell me how awful it is having a cold, on top of all the work he has to do in recovery. Plus, his psychiatrist has decreased his Suboxone. So, he was complaining about all of that last night.

Of course, when he whines, I try to comfort him because I don't want him to relapse. Blah, blah, blah.

The good news is that when I was really sick, I did ask him for what I needed--cook me some soup, make me some hot tea, get the clothes out of the dryer, etc. He did help me when I asked for it, so I'm proud of myself for that.

Seren

My BFs addict son has an incredible ability to remember the smallest little incident (you didn't notice I was cold and did not turn up the heat) and consider it to be a huge slight and constantly harp on about it. However, he can't begin to imagine why his family is uncomfortable around him just because he has threatened to kill nearly every one of them.....oh well. It's all perspective, right?

Hugs, HG

cessy68

oh blue, I feel your pain girl. I'm so sick of it being all about them - I think that is the part the infuriates me the most.

I'm not allowing it to be all about him anymore. It is so hard though- it is constant work. He is like an energy vampire- with all his needs sucking me dry. Even if I don't cave into his needs/wants/desires/- the undertone is still ALL ABOUT HIM.

After watching him detox for days in my room- (read the prev post if you want on that...) I was in the ER for a HUGE fall - wound up with a concusion, was laying there in a neck imobilizer, they were worried I had broke my neck (thank god , thank god, thank god, ) all that I had after they looked at the cat scans- was a slight concussion-

HOWEVER- he sat there- in the ER like I had interupped his good night sleep- that this was an inconvience..... URGH after all I had done for him, he sat there whining- saying "I knew we would be here all night...."

OMG. SO i feel your pain- and that pain, for me right now is a HUGE source of anger- I can't help it.

Trying to work through it like you.

I'm sorry darlin' hope you feel better,


cessy

SHAMAN

"I'm tired... I don't feel good."

If I ever hear this statement again it will be too soon.

I got to the point I just began tuning-out all the claims/reports/complaints of un-ending ailments. It became so 'normal' and expected. It interfered with the communication, spirituality, and intimacy I wanted in the relationship. It made me feel cold but it became exhausting listening to the latest and greatest physical ailment... trouble breathing, heart racing, self-diagnosed 'asthma', diagnosis of "migraines" that never materialized even after discontinuation of medication for them, carpal tunnel, various joint aches, dental problems, self-diagnosed/possible fibromyalgia, oh so often with the, "I hurt all the time and no one will listen."... yada, yada, yada. My ex once even asked if I ever experienced belly button pain! This was well before I began to suspect painkiller addiction, but believe the astonished look on my face said it all... "Seriously, belly button pain?"

My family had even taken notice of the complaints and joked amongst themselves, as we all were seeing things but hadn't put our heads together yet, about my plan to someday build my dream home, a two-story Victorian. My Dad commented to my Mom and brother, "Well I hope he puts in an elevator for ________."

I'm not trying to bash, but I can feel my own frustration and disappointment, as you're experiencing, as I recall these things... special occasions without intimacy, vacations, dreams, and daily life that all became secondary to 'pain', discomfort, and, "...not feeling well." Today, I can live MY life with vibrance without being impeded by an 80-year-old in a 40-year-old body. (sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's where I am today)

It helps me realize all the things I am grateful for today.

"God, grant me the serenity..."

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Freedom1990

It was so freeing for me when I realized that I had the choice to have someone like that in my home or not. My oldest AD is a chronic whiner, usually with bad teeth that are bothering her. That is all due to past drug use.

She knows better than to call me with her tales of woe. I opened up my home to her once after a lengthy stay in jail on felony drug charges, and she was back out the door in a month. She has chosen not to embrace recovery, and with that comes consequences, including very limited contact with me.

Every relationship I've had with a man has been dysfunctional, and when I finally hit my codie bottom, I realized that I deserved so much better, and made a commitment to myself to begin the process of self-discovery and healing.

I am so grateful that I finally took the plunge, disentangled myself from unhealthy relationships, and started setting my standards much higher.

greeteachday

Some people...addicts and nonaddicts do just suck the life right outta me. I used to think I had to make it better, or try to convince them why the way they were thinking wasn't the "right" way, or I'd let their moods pull me down in the muck with them.
My own recovery has helped me realize I have a choice...I was responsible for my reaction to their whines. Little by little, I could practice my choices and not get sucked in. It wasn't/isn't alway easy...the way I was used to doing things was comfortable because it was familiar. But little by little, I got better, and as I got better I realized there was so much less whining in my world - not because the whiners stopped whining, but because I made a choice not to have them make my life an atmoshere of negativity and whines.

I also realized that when I played the victim role, I was a whiner too. recovery has empowered me to drop that role...Great stuff!

Good for you Bluebelle, making your needs known and asking for some help!

Freedom1990

Ohhh, I like that one! I'm putting that up on my wall for future reference!

outtolunch

Do you think comforting a chronic whiner might reinforce whining?

longview

The whining is so frustrating. Sometimes I forget how to deal, or rather, not deal, with my AD. I will try to use rational feedback techniques and tell her "What I hear you saying is..." How do'ya think that works? lol

As soon as I do that, she does a 180 and tells me how great her life is, filled with so many nameless "friends" (who, the minute before, were all thieves), the great meal she ate two or three days before (with nothing since).

And, then I remember that I have just set myself up for grief and reinforced her denial. I ask forgiveness from my HP for not leaving the way and results to Him, and focus on things that are my responsibility. I also do a quick 4th step and realize that when I respond that way, it is about me and my self-perception as a parent. Ego. Control. Fear.

dorton

My AD son, who is currently in rehab, is also a HUGE whiner and it drives me crazy. He is allowed to emal but that is the only contact he is allowed to have. When I sent him positive emails he would ignore everything I said and just concentrate on how this all affected him, no mention of how it has affected his dad, brother or me. Now when he emails me something whinning about himself I send him back an email talking about the weather.

lovenlife

Oh Girlfriend,
I feel your pain. I think we have all been there. I know it is hard, but i can tell you what has really helped me. I have started reading is book called The Power Of A Praying Wife by Stormh Omartian. This book has given me great stregth. The power of God and praying can REALLY HELP.

Done_With_It

Good for you, it's when we get sick and tired of something that we change it.




Do you think are reinforcing his behavior. Do you see how backwards that is?
We can put ourselves in the victim role or we can take a stand and decide what we will put up with and what we won't put up with.
We all do what works for us because we get something out of it.




I am a former meth addict, unless you spike my drink with some shards of
glass or stick a needle in my arm, no one but me has control over my use.
I will never use meth again because I will do what it takes to never use again.
Comforting me for bad behavior wouldn't help me. Sometimes us former addicts need to buck up and face life on it's terms. We forget how strong we are. We are stronger than we think.
It's okay to walk away when someone is complaining, let them stand on there own two feet.
I remember when I was using (my mom didn't know but I could drive the woman crazy, and she would say, you know Done I love you but I am going to let you go right now. I will talk to you tomorrow.)
It made me think, it made me angry, it made me face up to what I was doing sooner than later.
Even though he's sober, we still have to work on our behavior and changing it long after.

Good for you!! Don't let the addict control your life. Your needs are just as important as anyone else.


JMO&E

Done_With_It

Ahh yes, I like that one too.
That one is going down in my books.....

andesh

It's always a "what about me" song when something goes wrong with you. I had a similiar ER situation. My tonsils were pulled and 2 nights later we were in bed when I suddenly had to jump up because the swelling was so intense to where I couldnt breathe. I woke him up and he told me to call him and let him know what they said. Yeah right! I made him drive me to the ER and the entire time there he was complaining about it taking all night and nothings wrong with me that couldnt have waited til 2mrw. Even though I was right there during all his aching back and sore knee ER and doctor visit moments (too many to count) I couldnt get him to shut up for my "1 moment" dealing with me. One time I had twisted my ankle but because he just recently had a knee injury I attended to him as soon as he got home. Well, while rubbing his knee I was telling him about my injury and he told me to stop rubbing him for awhile so that I could rub myself. I told him that apparently I need to find someone who would attend to my needs as much as I attend to his because in a marriage we are suppose to take care of each other not him doing all the taking and me all the caring. What a waste of "oxycontin" time!

mendingheart

Oh can I relate to that one. I have attracted quite a few of these over the years....and it is all about them. When we finally get the codie picture and ask for what we need, ..I am so sick and tired of them saying, "i cannot take care of me, much less what you need" when they are in the low spot. My bf is dealing with depression now, and it is all about what makes him function or not. I understand that, however I do not think it has to totally shut the person down from anything else around them. Sometimes I think they are so use to just being about themselves, that they cannot see past where they are at the moment.
Anyone feel that? For instance, valentine's day yesterday. I made all these special things, and he said how perfect the surprises were. DO you think he could offer anything to me.....I do not mean monitarily, I just wanted some intimacy and closeness. Something appreciative. He is in a depression funk, and all he could say, is I made him feel bad for all I did, and he could not do anything extra in his state he was in. This may be so, but I reminded him I have needs too. He said, well I need time alone to get through this. ARGH.....don't know if this is worth the good time, and fall out bottom. I know it will never end. I deserve something more. This is my lesson. It is growing old. I have only experienced this twice since our relationship began. No one would know it on the outside, and he functions quite well in his work. He is so loving, caring and clear headed then. When this has hit, he detaches and shuts down totally.
I have never experienced these feelings, but is a selfishness do you feel, or a true emotional feeling with addicitions and depression?

winnie12

I used to laugh with my son's counselor that i could be laying on the floor bleeding profusely and he would come in and ask me to look at a scratch on his finger.

Now i see it as the addict codie dance. They have to keep our attention on them and every problem they have we are supposed to fix. If anything becomes about us then they are not the center of our universe. Now instead of jumping to his whines i direct him to the first aid kit or medicine cabinet.

Yesterday when visiting him he was complaining that his teeth are moving. He lost his retainer when he ran away from rehab. I told him that I wont pay for another one since it was his fault - I paid for braces and my job is done. So when he complained yesterday, I say yeah I still get that with my teeth and its been 30 years since i had braces. I had told him to call the orthodontist when he was home and find out how much another one would cost - he called when they were closed and never called again. So again, I see it as his problem not mine - they're not my teeth. I'm going to call his counselor and see if she can let him use the phone to find out what can be done from the doctor himself. He's got lots of medical problems its time he learned how to do this on his own. My mom had me talking to my own doctors and making my own appointments by his age so i think he can too.

justtired

I know I'm a little late on this, but I just spent a 3-day weekend dealing with this non-stop from my abf so I totally understand what you're talking about. My jaw hurts, my knee hurts, I'm so tired, I don't know why I can't wake up, I think I'm getting a cold and on and on and on. How one person can have so many issues... and still function is beyond me. And then he tries to get attention by commenting on how hard it must be for ME having a boyfriend with so many health issues.

justtired

mendingheart - I've totally been there. I've gone out of my way to get nothing in return and the sob story that he feels bad for not being able to do anything back. This year I bought a card and some chocolates.. just in case. He did not do a thing for me so they are still in my car. I'll be bringing them in to work with me this afternoon for an afternoon treat.

Skeetermag

This hits home... he's always obsessed w/his body/problems/work, etc.... All I hear is my shoulder hurts, my ribs hurt, my back, my head, my legs, my toes, etc etc etc....guess it's not just in my house!

katie44

That's all my AS does is whine. My teeth are bad, I don't have a car, I don't have nice clothes the list goes on for miles. It's very frustrating! To the point I know if he calls it's going to be about himself and how the world has done him wrong. All about them constantly. Lately I have ended the call with " Im fine thanks for asking" of course he didn't.