Always Doing it Alone!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Always Doing it Alone!
I wrote earlier about all that I'm having to go through with my 17 year old son... I was really upset...had a hard time sleeping; the works... My AH calls from his brother's house that's over two hours away last night at around 1am and leaves a message that he'll be about 3 hours later then usual...
That meant that he'll be home at about 6am, this means he was not just getting drunk with his "buddies" but using pot as well. Then he gives me some lame excuse about how tired he was from working and needed to sleep. Of course the truth is just way to far out there... I just shook my head and said: "I'm sure that was it." He got pissed and walked out of the room. He has no idea of what goes on in our home, he just keeps on doing what he wants to do. Sometimes the selfishness of people just floors me. My whole life seems to be about taking care of others and all he does is do what he wants and hurt others along the way...
Life with and addict just always seems so out of balance that you just can never even wrap your head around it. Anyone else feel that way? Then he hugs me tells me he loves me and heads off to work. I just can't wait to get out of here and all the crazy mixed signals. I mean his actions prove anything but love. I'm sure you all know what I mean...
That meant that he'll be home at about 6am, this means he was not just getting drunk with his "buddies" but using pot as well. Then he gives me some lame excuse about how tired he was from working and needed to sleep. Of course the truth is just way to far out there... I just shook my head and said: "I'm sure that was it." He got pissed and walked out of the room. He has no idea of what goes on in our home, he just keeps on doing what he wants to do. Sometimes the selfishness of people just floors me. My whole life seems to be about taking care of others and all he does is do what he wants and hurt others along the way...
Life with and addict just always seems so out of balance that you just can never even wrap your head around it. Anyone else feel that way? Then he hugs me tells me he loves me and heads off to work. I just can't wait to get out of here and all the crazy mixed signals. I mean his actions prove anything but love. I'm sure you all know what I mean...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I mean his actions prove anything but love.
It's good that you see this!!
A hug before work doesn't make up for all that he's putting you through.
But why are you putting up with it!!!??
I don't mean that in a judgemental way at all - we all know it takes as long as it takes - but I know I look back and see that I held the key all along.
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
When my marriage was finally over I think I had about $34 in the bank!!! I had to just blow a mayday signal - but I found when I finally opened up to people I trust who love me (friends mostly!) that help and support came from amazing places and things worked out. It was tough. We were very very poor. But I had taken control of my life again!! It was worth all the pain...
good luck brundle!!!!! sending you a prayer for strength:praying
peace,
b
It's good that you see this!!
A hug before work doesn't make up for all that he's putting you through.
But why are you putting up with it!!!??
I don't mean that in a judgemental way at all - we all know it takes as long as it takes - but I know I look back and see that I held the key all along.
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
When my marriage was finally over I think I had about $34 in the bank!!! I had to just blow a mayday signal - but I found when I finally opened up to people I trust who love me (friends mostly!) that help and support came from amazing places and things worked out. It was tough. We were very very poor. But I had taken control of my life again!! It was worth all the pain...
good luck brundle!!!!! sending you a prayer for strength:praying
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by brundle 
Life with and addict just always seems so out of balance that you just can never even wrap your head around it. Anyone else feel that way? Then he hugs me tells me he loves me and heads off to work. I just can't wait to get out of here and all the crazy mixed signals. I mean his actions prove anything but love. I'm sure you all know what I mean...
Hang in there and I hope things get better for you.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Ditto! Right now is so confusing for me -- he sucks the life out of me, but I'm scared, alone and anxious when he is not around -- so sick!
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and know, that one day, I will be able to look back and tell myself that it was the right decision to end the relationship.
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and know, that one day, I will be able to look back and tell myself that it was the right decision to end the relationship.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
some sayings already posted, but worth repeating
it is what it is - now what are you gonna do?
nothing changes when nothing changes
take care of yourself
it is what it is - now what are you gonna do?
nothing changes when nothing changes
take care of yourself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Why Do I Stay? Well some of it is money and the economy. For awhile it was that my parents swore they would disown me. I stayed two extra years based on what a lawyer told me. Before that I had been bedridden due to MS for about 1.5 years. Sometimes just as I'm going to leave the codie thing kicks in. My AH only puts enough money in the account for me to pay bills and get food (even though he makes lots of money). My lawyer told me I need 3 months of living expenses when I leave. I have about two months saved. So they are my basic excuses. Mostly I wonder why anyone stays with an alcoholic???
I do think my parents may lend me the Florida house for a few months. They wont support my leaving my husband; but if they thought I was coming back...I could use it as a stepping stone. A few months away from him could just turn into...well forever...
Unlike Timetogo, I don't mind him being gone; in fact he's gone often. I just hate that he returns. I mean he's gone constantly and it's peaceful; then he comes in like a bull in the china shop and messes everything up!!! I guess I find myself feeling more like sillysquirrel. It's when he's around the problems start.
He's gone 12 or more hours a day. So it's ok being alone when your alone. But when your partner is there and your alone then too and they're making as much chaos as a toddler on crack would (and have no idea, or care, about what's going on in the house) that I wish I had a large baseball bat!!!
I've heard that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I don't want you all thinking I expect anything but alcoholic behavior from him. It just really frosts my cookies sometimes!!! (although my being completely sane maybe in question... I am still here)
I'll let you guys know how it all turns out. I'm seeing how this weekend pans out for my son. And I just talked with my daughter to see if she can transfer to a hospital in Florida. Thanks again for being there!!!
I do think my parents may lend me the Florida house for a few months. They wont support my leaving my husband; but if they thought I was coming back...I could use it as a stepping stone. A few months away from him could just turn into...well forever...
Unlike Timetogo, I don't mind him being gone; in fact he's gone often. I just hate that he returns. I mean he's gone constantly and it's peaceful; then he comes in like a bull in the china shop and messes everything up!!! I guess I find myself feeling more like sillysquirrel. It's when he's around the problems start.
He's gone 12 or more hours a day. So it's ok being alone when your alone. But when your partner is there and your alone then too and they're making as much chaos as a toddler on crack would (and have no idea, or care, about what's going on in the house) that I wish I had a large baseball bat!!!
I've heard that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I don't want you all thinking I expect anything but alcoholic behavior from him. It just really frosts my cookies sometimes!!! (although my being completely sane maybe in question... I am still here)
I'll let you guys know how it all turns out. I'm seeing how this weekend pans out for my son. And I just talked with my daughter to see if she can transfer to a hospital in Florida. Thanks again for being there!!!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
I like what I'm hearing brundle, about your saving up from the household account. I'm assuming you have opened a bank account in your name only to keep it in... I know of someone who put his wife on a strict household account, and told her to pay all the bills and food etc., and kept the rest in his business account. She struggled to get it all to fit, and had to get a lot of her clothes from goodwill. They are now divorced, and she has her share of difficulties too, but I am more and more convinced that he is an addict. He doesn't drink or do drugs, and it's been a puzzle to me because he acts like an addict. I'm thinking now that he has a lot in common with people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, and that would mean he is essentially addicted to attention from others. I have to work under him, and he can turn from being charming and supportive to being chaotic, judgmental, and impatient in a flash. It really challenges me to stay out of codie behavior and keep good boundaries for myself (translate: Man, sometimes this just sucks!)
It sounds like you are making plans and carefully considering your options before making big, potentially disruptive changes in your life. I myself like to take my time with big changes. The more I can plan for contingencies, the better my outcome usually is.
It sounds like you are making plans and carefully considering your options before making big, potentially disruptive changes in your life. I myself like to take my time with big changes. The more I can plan for contingencies, the better my outcome usually is.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: US
Posts: 49
Hi there,
Man, life can be so hard. And as you have noted, life is even harder when you are connected to someone who only thinks of themselves! I think you are at least part way there though. I mean, sooo many people(women) just live in complete dellusion, never even getting close to looking at whats TRUE. I am glad to hear your eyes are open and you not only have the courage to see what the deal is, but also posess the ability to be angry about it! This is good. This means you have not yet lost your own personhood in this mess you have been living in. Take that and run with it. Just take a step at a time, but I do encourage you to take that first step. You can do this. You do deserve to not live this life alone
Happy Valentines Everyone! Much love to us all! We are worthy!!!!!!
Man, life can be so hard. And as you have noted, life is even harder when you are connected to someone who only thinks of themselves! I think you are at least part way there though. I mean, sooo many people(women) just live in complete dellusion, never even getting close to looking at whats TRUE. I am glad to hear your eyes are open and you not only have the courage to see what the deal is, but also posess the ability to be angry about it! This is good. This means you have not yet lost your own personhood in this mess you have been living in. Take that and run with it. Just take a step at a time, but I do encourage you to take that first step. You can do this. You do deserve to not live this life alone
Happy Valentines Everyone! Much love to us all! We are worthy!!!!!!
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I think you are a very Strong woman. I wish I would have had the strength to "plan" my escape. But I didn't. I just blew up one day when things got to much for me (the danger he put my daughter in, sent me over the edge)
I will be thinking of you, prayers too
I will be thinking of you, prayers too
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Mine pays the bills and puts whatever money he has left into his account. I have my money from work, but it's a low income job and I can't work full-time while going to school and getting my son to/from doctors appointments.
Even when we had a joint account I got a set amount every month for bills/groceries and that was it. The remainder, $1200-2000/month was his and he spent every penny.
I've been saving up as much as I can to move, plus I have some excess money coming in from college that will help a LOT. Luckily my living expenses will be very minimal once I'm out, under $700/month.
At one point we even had a renter living with us when I had my huge house, he kept that money as well. Now he's whining about not having enough money, wants me to give him more, but last year he bought a truck that wasn't needed...costs almost $400 a month. Wah.
Keep saving your money, it will pay off.
Even when we had a joint account I got a set amount every month for bills/groceries and that was it. The remainder, $1200-2000/month was his and he spent every penny.
I've been saving up as much as I can to move, plus I have some excess money coming in from college that will help a LOT. Luckily my living expenses will be very minimal once I'm out, under $700/month.
At one point we even had a renter living with us when I had my huge house, he kept that money as well. Now he's whining about not having enough money, wants me to give him more, but last year he bought a truck that wasn't needed...costs almost $400 a month. Wah.
Keep saving your money, it will pay off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
I feel for you brundle...I wish someone could give us the answer. When my AH is gone, it is calm and peaceful. I get more accomplished and am able to spend quality time with the kiddos. The problem is, I am always bracing myself for when he returns and all of the problems that arise when he shows up. He is demanding, argumentative, and draining. He is more work than my 2 year-old and 3year-old combined. Why do I stay? I am still trying to figure it out but the analogy about the frog in water on the stovetop is a good analogy for me.
If we enjoy our time alone when our AH is away, why do we want them to come back? If it is peaceful and serene when they are gone and all hell breaks loose when they return, why? I think I am having more of a hard time giving up my dream of a perfect family than I am of giving up on my husband. I just so wanted for my 4 beautiful children to have a nice whole family. I worry what will happen to them if/when I fracture that family and I have to hand them over to AH for the weekend for his visits.
Anyway, I am following your thread because I have the same questions. I appreciate all of the support that everyone offers here. It does help. Praying for you brundle.
If we enjoy our time alone when our AH is away, why do we want them to come back? If it is peaceful and serene when they are gone and all hell breaks loose when they return, why? I think I am having more of a hard time giving up my dream of a perfect family than I am of giving up on my husband. I just so wanted for my 4 beautiful children to have a nice whole family. I worry what will happen to them if/when I fracture that family and I have to hand them over to AH for the weekend for his visits.
Anyway, I am following your thread because I have the same questions. I appreciate all of the support that everyone offers here. It does help. Praying for you brundle.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
I feel for you brundle...I wish someone could give us the answer.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
"The answer" is all over this board in the experiences of others. It's on practically every page of "Codependent No More." It's in the rooms of Alanon and on the lips of competent therapists. It's not a matter of someone giving you the answer, it's a matter of your willingness to hear it.
L
L
Are you sure it isn't better to just eat Bon Bons, watch Dr. Phil and Oprah and blame, finger point, handing over my personal power, choices, happiness, and well being by blaming others for this terrible "fix" I am in?
I remember as I began to get "stuck" in that place, my friends and support group probably listened to me b1tch, blame and fingerpoint for about 100x before they finally just gave up...it took me nearly two years to figure out:
On the first day... a man walks down a street...
Suddenly the world goes dark. He thinks he is lost.
Then he realizes he is in a deep hole. At first he blames everyone else, Who put this hole here? Why wasn't there any warning signs, Who is responsible for this Hole being here?? He just wishes someone would come get him out of the Hole. He yells for help, crying out angrily against an unjust God and an unjust Universe. No one helps him, no one answers him, so finally he tries to find his way out, but it takes a very long time. Once he is out the day is gone ... so he walks back home.
On the second day... the man walks down the same street.
The world goes dark again. He is in the hole again.
He takes a while to recognize where he is.
Eventually he finds his way out... and so again he walks back home.
On the third day... the man again walks down the street.
He knows the hole is there and pretends not to see the hole... and closes his eyes. Once again he falls into the hole, and climbs out ... and walks back home, the day lost once again.
On the fourth day... the man walks cautiously down the street.
He sees the hole and this time walks around it. He is pleased.
But the world goes dark again. He has fallen into another hole.
He climbs out of the second hole, walks home ... and alas... falls into the first hole. He gets out of the first hole... and walks back home... to think.
On the fifth day... the man walks confidently down the street.
He sees the first hole..... and recognizes it.
He walks around it... but forgets the second hole, which he walks directly into.
He gets out immediately... and walks straight back home - to weep and hope.
On the sixth day... the man walks nervously down the street...
The hole is there and he thinks "I won't fall into the hole again"... and walks around the hole. He sees the second hole, avoids the second hole... but as he passes, he loses his balance... and falls in. Climbing out he walks back home ... taking the time to carefully avoid all the holes.
On the seventh day... the same man goes for a walk....
... and chooses to walk down a different street. (watching carefully to avoid any new holes that appear.)
That's all recovery is, learning how to recognize holes we fall into, and then, learning how to avoid falling into new holes in the future.
Jack Kornfield writes, My beginning students come to me having difficulty with finances and relationships. My advanced students come to me having difficulty with finances and relationships.
The difference is my advanced students walk through these difficulties with more skill, and loving Kindness to themselves and others (paraphrased)
The answers ARE there, should you choose to see them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Oh My LTD I just spit coffee all over my keyboard laughing so hard....
LaTeeDa and Ago,
Are you making fun of me? Did I say/ask something silly? I know it is so simple for so many of you. For me, it is not. Do I know I should end this relationship? YES! Am I ready to end this relationship? Not yet. Keyword there is "yet". I am well aware that I am doing many things wrong. I have just come to terms with my situation in the last month or so. But, I don't think I am doing as many things wrong as I was before and am trying to make myself better for my own sake as well as my kids. What may be obvious to many on this board who have already gone through my struggles, is not obvious to me. All I know is that I am in a horrible situation and I need to make it better. I am sure most people reading my posts ask themselves why I don't just drive to my lawyer's office, file the necessary papers, have my husband served and removed from the house and move on. I am not there yet. I have been with this man for 14 years. He is the father of my kids. Regardless of all of the horrible stories I have written about here, he does still have some wonderful qualities. I am sure many of my posts contain silly questions but that is why I come here, to get a reality check!
LaTeeDa and Ago,
Are you making fun of me? Did I say/ask something silly? I know it is so simple for so many of you. For me, it is not. Do I know I should end this relationship? YES! Am I ready to end this relationship? Not yet. Keyword there is "yet". I am well aware that I am doing many things wrong. I have just come to terms with my situation in the last month or so. But, I don't think I am doing as many things wrong as I was before and am trying to make myself better for my own sake as well as my kids. What may be obvious to many on this board who have already gone through my struggles, is not obvious to me. All I know is that I am in a horrible situation and I need to make it better. I am sure most people reading my posts ask themselves why I don't just drive to my lawyer's office, file the necessary papers, have my husband served and removed from the house and move on. I am not there yet. I have been with this man for 14 years. He is the father of my kids. Regardless of all of the horrible stories I have written about here, he does still have some wonderful qualities. I am sure many of my posts contain silly questions but that is why I come here, to get a reality check!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi sillysquirrel!!
Please do not take posts as an attack... take what is useful for you and leave the rest. I do not think anyone here makes fun of any others heartaches...
I am glad you are progressing. I have taken very badly the advice of people (in the real world) to "move on" because I feel my progress and my emotional states are disregarded as inadequate. Just yesterday a coworker told me that all our common friends think I have grieved "too long"... anyhow I think they tell me that to push me to move forward and take action... at least that is how I take it.
Please keep on posting, I have followed your posts and you are doing very well!!
Please do not take posts as an attack... take what is useful for you and leave the rest. I do not think anyone here makes fun of any others heartaches...
I am glad you are progressing. I have taken very badly the advice of people (in the real world) to "move on" because I feel my progress and my emotional states are disregarded as inadequate. Just yesterday a coworker told me that all our common friends think I have grieved "too long"... anyhow I think they tell me that to push me to move forward and take action... at least that is how I take it.
Please keep on posting, I have followed your posts and you are doing very well!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
Oh My LTD I just spit coffee all over my keyboard laughing so hard....
LaTeeDa and Ago,
Are you making fun of me? Did I say/ask something silly? I know it is so simple for so many of you.
LaTeeDa and Ago,
Are you making fun of me? Did I say/ask something silly? I know it is so simple for so many of you.
You asked a question, she answered it.
If you read further in what I wrote, I answer it as well, although in allegory.
The answers are there, and like she stated, now it's a matter of willingness to listen.
I laughed because I was so shocked she was so blunt. like BLAM-POW!!!
Usually the statements here are much more "gentle" and "sugar coated"
Many of the people here decide to stay with their "A" and even come on here to "vent", no one is judging you for staying with him.
When I called a close friend, and told him how my "A" was lying to me, he simply stated "Can You be OK being in a relationship with a Liar?"
No judgment, it was a valid question.
Here is a post I wrote recently, maybe you will find it helpful, I think it addresses your issues:
When I was going through a similar situation, and I was "parading" her behavior, trying to get people "on my side", showing how "irrational" and "crazy" she was being, thankfully, I had good friends both in the Program and on this forum that kept bringing the focus back on me.
It seems to me that if I have a problem, it's "my problem", whether it's with "their behavior" or my own. It has been proven to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can't change anyone else's behavior, and quite frankly have difficulty even changing my own.
Now it seems to me there is a process.
Recognizing "the problem"
Processing my feelings around "this problem"
Coming up with a "solution"
The solution seems to be pretty simple, no matter how complicated the problem.
Accept it, and the person for who and what they are, or:
Move on.
So when she asked, "What are you getting out of this relationship?" I think she was trying to facilitate "the processing" part to help you look ahead to "the solution", I don't believe there was anything rhetorical about the question. You are in a relationship with this person. so, What are you getting out of it? You are in this relationship so obviously there is something keeping you there.
You ask if it's possible for an alcoholic to be rational.
Isn't a better question "What rational person would stand for this behavior?"
In my experience, when I have been in Active Codependency, as much as active Alcoholism I wasn't being "rational" by any stretch of the imagination. I could "be restored to sanity" for my alcoholism by getting sober and working the steps, I actually found that the answer was exactly the same for recovering from my codependent behaviors. When I worked step two for my codependency there it was again, me being restored to sanity, it didn't say anything about the alcoholics in my life being restored to sanity, it said ME being restored to sanity.
That implied THEY weren't "the problem".
What steps are you taking -today- for your solution? Right now?
I also found, that however much I blamed and finger pointed at "them", "they" weren't "the problem", my inability to either accept them for who and what they were or change the situation was my problem.
As long as I "blamed" and "fingerpointed" and "sought allies" I could avoid the real problem, and the real questions, which were "what am I getting out of this relationship?" and "what am I going to do about it?" and "How am I going to change myself so I don't keep having to repeat this behavior and these relationships?"
Step one for me, as was stated earlier in this thread, was get the elephant out of the room, step two was "elephant proofing" my life.
I did that by working on me, changing me and my behaviors, now I just find behavior like that tedious and uninteresting, thus it isn't part of my life.
I found going to F2F meetings, getting a sponsor and a support group actually made the situation change, because it made me change.
Once I changed, so did my life.
I can act myself into right thinking, but I can't think myself into right acting.
Because "my thinker" is broken, otherwise I wouldn't have been in these relationships, so it behooved me to take the focus off of her and fix "my thinker"
Anyway, that's just what I found helpful, as long as I was trying to "get people on my side" and show how "crazy" she was, I remained stuck in the problem. Once I stared focusing on me, I started getting some solution.
It seems to me that if I have a problem, it's "my problem", whether it's with "their behavior" or my own. It has been proven to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can't change anyone else's behavior, and quite frankly have difficulty even changing my own.
Now it seems to me there is a process.
Recognizing "the problem"
Processing my feelings around "this problem"
Coming up with a "solution"
The solution seems to be pretty simple, no matter how complicated the problem.
Accept it, and the person for who and what they are, or:
Move on.
So when she asked, "What are you getting out of this relationship?" I think she was trying to facilitate "the processing" part to help you look ahead to "the solution", I don't believe there was anything rhetorical about the question. You are in a relationship with this person. so, What are you getting out of it? You are in this relationship so obviously there is something keeping you there.
You ask if it's possible for an alcoholic to be rational.
Isn't a better question "What rational person would stand for this behavior?"
In my experience, when I have been in Active Codependency, as much as active Alcoholism I wasn't being "rational" by any stretch of the imagination. I could "be restored to sanity" for my alcoholism by getting sober and working the steps, I actually found that the answer was exactly the same for recovering from my codependent behaviors. When I worked step two for my codependency there it was again, me being restored to sanity, it didn't say anything about the alcoholics in my life being restored to sanity, it said ME being restored to sanity.
That implied THEY weren't "the problem".
What steps are you taking -today- for your solution? Right now?
I also found, that however much I blamed and finger pointed at "them", "they" weren't "the problem", my inability to either accept them for who and what they were or change the situation was my problem.
As long as I "blamed" and "fingerpointed" and "sought allies" I could avoid the real problem, and the real questions, which were "what am I getting out of this relationship?" and "what am I going to do about it?" and "How am I going to change myself so I don't keep having to repeat this behavior and these relationships?"
Step one for me, as was stated earlier in this thread, was get the elephant out of the room, step two was "elephant proofing" my life.
I did that by working on me, changing me and my behaviors, now I just find behavior like that tedious and uninteresting, thus it isn't part of my life.
I found going to F2F meetings, getting a sponsor and a support group actually made the situation change, because it made me change.
Once I changed, so did my life.
I can act myself into right thinking, but I can't think myself into right acting.
Because "my thinker" is broken, otherwise I wouldn't have been in these relationships, so it behooved me to take the focus off of her and fix "my thinker"
Anyway, that's just what I found helpful, as long as I was trying to "get people on my side" and show how "crazy" she was, I remained stuck in the problem. Once I stared focusing on me, I started getting some solution.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Ago
I laughed because I was so shocked she was so blunt. like BLAM-POW!!!
Usually the statements here are much more "gentle" and "sugar coated
Usually the statements here are much more "gentle" and "sugar coated
I've never been accused of sugar coating my posts. Bluntness, yes I have been accused of that. The reason I am is because that's what I needed in order to come out of the fog. And I suspect there are others like me who don't "get it" unless it is in-your-face obvious. Thus, my posting style is blunt. Please don't mistake it for judgement or mocking. That's not it at all.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
sillysquirrel:
Hind site is 20/20. Those who have gone before us, I feel, would like to just give us an eject seat out of our situations. The first time anyone on this board asked me why I stayed with my husband I was shocked. I can't imagine why anyone stays with an addict for one extra day of their life. That's what the normal part of me says.
But I think there's more at work then that. I think we get sick and stuck just like the alcoholic. I read once that it's because we "get something" from the relationship. I'm not always sure about that. I think that at first I stayed because I wasn't in recovery and strong enough. It's like when a battered woman stays; except I was emotionally battered. Some of it is learning to go against the way I was raised. You know stay no matter what!!! I often feel like each move forward is like trying to move forward in quicksand. It's sucking down at me and it takes forever to get one step forward, then I do and then that foot is sucked down again. Then it's time to move the next foot. So my process feels like it has taken really long.
But as I look back I may not be where I need to be yet; but I'm not where I use to be either. So I'm with ya Silly... ((((Hugs)))
Hind site is 20/20. Those who have gone before us, I feel, would like to just give us an eject seat out of our situations. The first time anyone on this board asked me why I stayed with my husband I was shocked. I can't imagine why anyone stays with an addict for one extra day of their life. That's what the normal part of me says.
But I think there's more at work then that. I think we get sick and stuck just like the alcoholic. I read once that it's because we "get something" from the relationship. I'm not always sure about that. I think that at first I stayed because I wasn't in recovery and strong enough. It's like when a battered woman stays; except I was emotionally battered. Some of it is learning to go against the way I was raised. You know stay no matter what!!! I often feel like each move forward is like trying to move forward in quicksand. It's sucking down at me and it takes forever to get one step forward, then I do and then that foot is sucked down again. Then it's time to move the next foot. So my process feels like it has taken really long.
But as I look back I may not be where I need to be yet; but I'm not where I use to be either. So I'm with ya Silly... ((((Hugs)))
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Just to elaborate a little more, I think sometimes when the question "why do you stay?" is asked, the asker is intending to provoke some self reflection in the askee. Many times, however, the person being asked automatically takes it as "you should leave."
Then, the person who was asked the question comes to the conclusion that the solution to their problem is "leave." But, they don't want to or can't. Then the inevitable self-flogging starts. "I know I should leave, but why can't I? There must be something wrong with me!"
I believe the problem is that a step has been skipped. There are three A's. Awareness--->Acceptance--->Action.
I put the arrows in between because they go in that order. I have seen many times, people come to this site wondering what they can do about their situation. They slowly come to the Awareness that their SO is an alcoholic. Then, they try to skip right to the Action of leaving. But they can't. They are stuck, and taking action seems difficult or impossible. That is because the most important A has been neglected--->Acceptance.
Action is not so difficult, after Acceptance. It is what it is. If you haven't accepted, you tend to cling to the past (I want the man I married back) or the future (I know the potential he has). But the actual living (action) takes place only in the present. Until the present is accepted completely, without the filters of the past and future, action is agonizing.
Acceptance is the key to moving forward in recovery, whether that means leaving or not.
L
Then, the person who was asked the question comes to the conclusion that the solution to their problem is "leave." But, they don't want to or can't. Then the inevitable self-flogging starts. "I know I should leave, but why can't I? There must be something wrong with me!"
I believe the problem is that a step has been skipped. There are three A's. Awareness--->Acceptance--->Action.
I put the arrows in between because they go in that order. I have seen many times, people come to this site wondering what they can do about their situation. They slowly come to the Awareness that their SO is an alcoholic. Then, they try to skip right to the Action of leaving. But they can't. They are stuck, and taking action seems difficult or impossible. That is because the most important A has been neglected--->Acceptance.
Action is not so difficult, after Acceptance. It is what it is. If you haven't accepted, you tend to cling to the past (I want the man I married back) or the future (I know the potential he has). But the actual living (action) takes place only in the present. Until the present is accepted completely, without the filters of the past and future, action is agonizing.
Acceptance is the key to moving forward in recovery, whether that means leaving or not.
L
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