Do I attend his mom's funeral???
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Do I attend his mom's funeral???
I am so overwhelmed by all this. I've separated from AH and filed for divorce (though expressed to him I do not WANT divorce, I want him to stop verbally abusing me) back in November. Our final hearing date is set for April 7th. He's been implying to all his family, friends, and my family that the reason I left him was because I cheating on him (totally untrue - never even considered unfaithfulness to him). No one understands/believes that he is verbally abusive because it was always behind closed doors. They especially don't believe becuase "he stopped drinking - he's changed so much / enough for you".
His mother had a 1-week battle with cancer/chemo and passed away. Her funeral is on Monday. I have no idea what to do. My counselor feels I should not attend because his family would not understand my intentions for being there. I don't know how I will handle the judgement I'll receive from family and friends if I do NOT attend. Will anyone understand if I do not attend her funeral? Will they understand if I do? If I do, how would I get in and out of there without getting trapped into some argument or ugly situation with AH or his family???
I loved my MIL very much. I miss her. But what can I do???
His mother had a 1-week battle with cancer/chemo and passed away. Her funeral is on Monday. I have no idea what to do. My counselor feels I should not attend because his family would not understand my intentions for being there. I don't know how I will handle the judgement I'll receive from family and friends if I do NOT attend. Will anyone understand if I do not attend her funeral? Will they understand if I do? If I do, how would I get in and out of there without getting trapped into some argument or ugly situation with AH or his family???
I loved my MIL very much. I miss her. But what can I do???
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
I'm praying for you today, in this time of loss and confusion.
What is the purpose of a funeral? I see it serving 1.)to honor the life of the loved one who has passed on, 2.)to express love and support to family and friends of the deceased, and 3.)to demonstrate your care.
It seems that maybe in this delicate situation these purposes are at odds for you. That makes it tricky - you're not going to be able to behave in such a way that will convince everyone that you're doing the "right thing."
Someone's going to be mad if you go. Someone's going to be mad if you don't go.
Their opinions don't matter. You know your heart. Go and say goodbye if you so desire. If you'd rather not go, but spend some quiet time remembering and honoring your MIL, then do that.
There's no wrong path here, sweetie. You don't have to take care of everybody else's feelings - be gentle with your own.
Thinking of you.
-TC
What is the purpose of a funeral? I see it serving 1.)to honor the life of the loved one who has passed on, 2.)to express love and support to family and friends of the deceased, and 3.)to demonstrate your care.
It seems that maybe in this delicate situation these purposes are at odds for you. That makes it tricky - you're not going to be able to behave in such a way that will convince everyone that you're doing the "right thing."
Someone's going to be mad if you go. Someone's going to be mad if you don't go.
Their opinions don't matter. You know your heart. Go and say goodbye if you so desire. If you'd rather not go, but spend some quiet time remembering and honoring your MIL, then do that.
There's no wrong path here, sweetie. You don't have to take care of everybody else's feelings - be gentle with your own.
Thinking of you.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What is more important to you, your recovery and emotional well-being, or the opinions/judgments of others?
I used to drive myself stark raving bananas trying to get my parents to understand things they had no desire to understand whatsoever.
That's not my job.
My job is to take care of me and my well-being.
I understand you loved your MIL very much, and I hear that you want to be there for the funeral.
However, are you strong enough emotionally in your recovery to face a group of untreated codependents, plus AH?
Personally, if it were me, I would not attend the funeral.
If people have a hard time accepting you didn't go, or judge you because of that, that is their problem, not yours.
:ghug :ghug
I used to drive myself stark raving bananas trying to get my parents to understand things they had no desire to understand whatsoever.
That's not my job.
My job is to take care of me and my well-being.
I understand you loved your MIL very much, and I hear that you want to be there for the funeral.
However, are you strong enough emotionally in your recovery to face a group of untreated codependents, plus AH?
Personally, if it were me, I would not attend the funeral.
If people have a hard time accepting you didn't go, or judge you because of that, that is their problem, not yours.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Why can't you just go, listen to the service, pay your respects, and leave. Don't engage. Don't get into conversations. Just calmly walk in, attend, and walk out? Make it clear by your calm and quiet actions that it's about AH's mom and nobody else - at least for this service.
You don't have to say anything to the family members if you think it'll be complicated. A sympathetic look should be more than enough, especially if words are too complicated to keep conflict to a minimum. You're going there so that YOU can pay your respects to AH's mom. Not so that you can pay begrudging kiss-ass respects to the family.
Can you find a friend to go with you for support? Even so you have an excuse to walk away from messy conversations ("sorry, I have to check on ____... yes, I'd love to stay but I promised ____ I'd leave with her). A female friend would be best, considering your AH's accusations.
You don't have to say anything to the family members if you think it'll be complicated. A sympathetic look should be more than enough, especially if words are too complicated to keep conflict to a minimum. You're going there so that YOU can pay your respects to AH's mom. Not so that you can pay begrudging kiss-ass respects to the family.
Can you find a friend to go with you for support? Even so you have an excuse to walk away from messy conversations ("sorry, I have to check on ____... yes, I'd love to stay but I promised ____ I'd leave with her). A female friend would be best, considering your AH's accusations.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
One of the first questions that went through my head was is your AH telling you his family is saying these things or have you actually been confronted with all this garbage? I'm only asking because if it is just things he has told you they have said, I wouldn't put too much stock in it.
I can certainly understand you wanting to go and pay your respects. No matter what you decide, someone is going to be unhappy about your decision. Unfortunately, if his family has said these things to you and you anticipate them making a scene, I would reconsider going. After all, I'm sure there will be people there who loved your MIL as well and aren't in on all of the BS that is going on. A potential scene would only cause them more pain than they are already feeling.
I think Anvilhead has a good point in that you could very well go pay your respects at the cemetary after the services. I sounds like your MIL was physically and mentally coherant enough to be aware of her surroundings so I imagine she knew full well of the drama that was going on. If it were me, I would consider going to the cemetary a few hours after any graveside services are over with and pay my respects then. This way you are avoiding a possible very uncomfortable scene not only for yourself and others who are not involved in the drama of this situation but out of respect for your MIL.
I shared what I would do, but Hon, you honestly have to follow your heart and your head. YOU DO WHAT YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO DO! It's just a shame that you have to worry about people being so petty during a time like this.
I'll keep you in my Prayers as well as the family members that they may find some inner peace in order to let this drama go. . . once and for all.
Judy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((JustMe))) I am sorry for your loss, and that you are struggling with this decision. I would follow your heart. You don't have to say one word if you go- just sit, listen and leave. If you decide not to go, you could send flowers. TC is right- damned if you do, damned if you don't. Just do what YOU feel you need to do. You loved her- and you know that- it doesn't matter what anyone else says about anything. Take care.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
JustMe, so sorry you're suffering here.
I agree with ToughChoices about what funerals are FOR, and I agree that those purposes might conflict with what you're trying to do for yourself.
Is there a way you can honor your mother-in-law that doesn't involve participating in that ritual? Can you make a donation to a group you know she would've supported, send flowers with a note saying how much you loved her, bring flowers to her grave and sit with her later on....?
Or if you are absolutely sure you really want to be there, and you aren't just doing this because of the "what will people thinks", can you time it so you arrive right after the service begins and leave right before it ends?
I know that for me, it would be more important to honor her memory than to keep up appearances. When my mom-in-law died, I treated the hospice staff to a nice lunch for all they did to comfort her. That felt just right.
Hugs to you
GL
I agree with ToughChoices about what funerals are FOR, and I agree that those purposes might conflict with what you're trying to do for yourself.
Is there a way you can honor your mother-in-law that doesn't involve participating in that ritual? Can you make a donation to a group you know she would've supported, send flowers with a note saying how much you loved her, bring flowers to her grave and sit with her later on....?
Or if you are absolutely sure you really want to be there, and you aren't just doing this because of the "what will people thinks", can you time it so you arrive right after the service begins and leave right before it ends?
I know that for me, it would be more important to honor her memory than to keep up appearances. When my mom-in-law died, I treated the hospice staff to a nice lunch for all they did to comfort her. That felt just right.
Hugs to you
GL
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi JustMeInWI
MIL would like to see you peaceful, not worried. I do not think she will mind if you do not attend the funeral. It would be better to visit the cementery at a different time and pay your respects. After all this is about her and you, no one else.Anyhow if you really want to be there, then I agree, do not engange with anyone, bring some dark glasses, be discrete and go with a female friend so you are never alone. Only you know what will make you feel better.
What others approve or disapprove of or any lies they believe, is their stuff. Its just between MIL and you. I send you a big hug of support during this difficult time.
MIL would like to see you peaceful, not worried. I do not think she will mind if you do not attend the funeral. It would be better to visit the cementery at a different time and pay your respects. After all this is about her and you, no one else.Anyhow if you really want to be there, then I agree, do not engange with anyone, bring some dark glasses, be discrete and go with a female friend so you are never alone. Only you know what will make you feel better.
What others approve or disapprove of or any lies they believe, is their stuff. Its just between MIL and you. I send you a big hug of support during this difficult time.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
What others think of you is none of your business.
If you want to go and pay your respects...go.
Be gracious ! Don't engage in any arguments, explanations or justifications.
The day is to honor and remember your MIL...that's all.
You are an independent soul...follow your path w/o regard to what path or level of
enlightenment others are on.
If you want to go and pay your respects...go.
Be gracious ! Don't engage in any arguments, explanations or justifications.
The day is to honor and remember your MIL...that's all.
You are an independent soul...follow your path w/o regard to what path or level of
enlightenment others are on.
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Thank you all for your suggestions and helpful insights. I have decided that I will not go. I was able to see her in the hospital for a few minutes when she was still doing ok, and I got to tell her I missed her (haven't seen her since before AH and I split) and that I loved her and was praying for her. If I went to the funeral it would have been to support the family - but clearly I am not a part of that family anymore and my AH has been making sure I am not welcome among them. I certainly do not want to make an already very sad day any more uncomfortable for my inlaws.
I talked to my counselor about it a bit more and I came to realize that the main reason I would've been going was just so "people wouldn't talk" about why I wasn't there. I am ready and willing to answer to anyone who asks why I dared not attend with a blunt, "I'm sad that AH's abuse kept me from being able to attend my mother-in-law's service". PERIOD. End of conversation.
Thank you all again. *hugs*
I talked to my counselor about it a bit more and I came to realize that the main reason I would've been going was just so "people wouldn't talk" about why I wasn't there. I am ready and willing to answer to anyone who asks why I dared not attend with a blunt, "I'm sad that AH's abuse kept me from being able to attend my mother-in-law's service". PERIOD. End of conversation.
Thank you all again. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((JustMeInWI))).....sending hugs and prayers to you for your loss.
Having just been through the passing of my dad, I can tell you that the time I've spent alone at the grave site has been more meaningful than the stressful blur of the services. If your AH and his family have nothing better to do than gossip about you during this time of loss, then I pity them. It should be such a precious time of rememberance. You are doing a wonderful job of keeping the focus on what's important.
Having just been through the passing of my dad, I can tell you that the time I've spent alone at the grave site has been more meaningful than the stressful blur of the services. If your AH and his family have nothing better to do than gossip about you during this time of loss, then I pity them. It should be such a precious time of rememberance. You are doing a wonderful job of keeping the focus on what's important.
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
I'm feeling gloomy today, but I know staying home last night and just praying for him, his family, and my family was really the best thing to do.
He sent me a text message with the date/time/location for his mom's funeral when the service was starting, and he resent the same text when the funeral had ended - I'm guessing just to make sure I knew I'd missed. And it hurts. I know I did the right thing, but it hurts.
He sent me a text message with the date/time/location for his mom's funeral when the service was starting, and he resent the same text when the funeral had ended - I'm guessing just to make sure I knew I'd missed. And it hurts. I know I did the right thing, but it hurts.
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Thank you all.
I find it's just one of those days. I hate sitting here knowing that he’s telling everyone I’m cheating on him. I hate that he’s refusing to admit that he’s been hurting me all these years. I hate that he refuses to stop hurting me. I hate that he does not love me enough to stop, to repent, to change. I hate how he’s now using Christianity as his new tactic to tell me he’s right and I’m wrong. I hate that I still love him so much even though he keeps hurting me. I hate that every day I wish everything could just be ok with me and him. I hate that I’m not ready to move on but that I’ve put myself in a divorce process where his actions force me to have to. I hate that I married someone who can treat me like this and pretend it’s nothing or that I’m crazy or that I’m being ridiculous by putting a boundary up to stop it.
I find it's just one of those days. I hate sitting here knowing that he’s telling everyone I’m cheating on him. I hate that he’s refusing to admit that he’s been hurting me all these years. I hate that he refuses to stop hurting me. I hate that he does not love me enough to stop, to repent, to change. I hate how he’s now using Christianity as his new tactic to tell me he’s right and I’m wrong. I hate that I still love him so much even though he keeps hurting me. I hate that every day I wish everything could just be ok with me and him. I hate that I’m not ready to move on but that I’ve put myself in a divorce process where his actions force me to have to. I hate that I married someone who can treat me like this and pretend it’s nothing or that I’m crazy or that I’m being ridiculous by putting a boundary up to stop it.
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