mandycro

Hi all,
Been reading lots of posts, mostly about the reality of living with an alcoholic. I've been married to AH for almost 10 years. Seems like the beginning was the worst, and went thru a phase of getting worse as time went on. I left him about 3 yrs ago and then came back, basically with some new boundries. That kept him mellow mostly, or he decided to mellow out, whichever. Now he drinks daily (weekends, too) but only gets beligerent once in awhile. He has all the same problems as your A does, mood swings, selfishness, emotional immaturity and intimacy problems, etc. He's a good dad, a good provider, etc. I've started Al-anon and have indiv. counseling as well. I just don't want my life to continue this way. I feel like time is passing me by, altho I know I have my 'sickness' issues as well. I'm working on it. I'm pretty fed up with dealing with him and all 'his' problems. If only, if only....I guess I'm wondering if anyone has seen a similar pattern and wondering if maybe he will finally quit now that it's been somewhat mellow or is it truly a matter of time before he starts escalating again? Maybe I'm just being blind, I don't know. Some A's just continue to drink their 6 paks daily and don't cause too much grief. The other part to this is like some of the other posters said, now they're drinking too, off and on, with the A. Anyways, that's not everything but this is prob long enuff to get the message. Thanks so much...

GiveLove

I'm sorry, mandycro. I wish there was some answer for you.

All the alcoholics I've ever lived with or loved have had good times and not-as-good times, but stepping back I could always see a downward progression. Some of them have now died, some are dying, some are miserable, some are suffering from health problems exacerbated by the years of drinking.

And what if he did quit? Would it be any guarantee that your life with him would be happy and fulfilling from then on? No one can tell you how much time you should/shouldn't be willing to gamble on that....you have to decide that for yourself.

I only know that the day came when I realized that, drunk or sober, I wasn't getting my deepest needs met by my relationship with X any more, and i wasn't willing to waste any more time guessing, hoping, praying things would magically change.

Take care of yourself

mandycro

Givelove,
thanks. Seems there's no easy answers. But I do believe you're right in saying it's up to me. It's just so hard when I've already been thru a divorce and now have kids with the A. I guess one thing I'm working on right now, is to taking the focus off the A and putting it back on me. They (the A) can make it difficult that's for sure. It seems to always be a threat when you want to make a change. I don't even know who I am, what I believe in, am not strong, etc. and that makes it even harder to think of being on my own. And just to make it more fun, I'm the sahm and he's the breadwinner. NICE. UGH. Well, thanks again for the reply.

GiveLove

Maybe not try to do everything at once, mandycro

There's a whole contingent of healing out there that swears by the mantra: Just do one thing differently.

Is there one thing you can do this week -- one small square of self-interest and non-enabling -- that you can take back this week? One place you've really neglected yourself in order to take care of Him?

mandycro

Givelove,
Besides going to Al-anon once a week, (wish I could go more), and counseling 1 or 2 x's a month, I really don't know what I've neglected. Or should I say 'put aside' for him. Like I said, I am unsure of who I am in alot of ways. One of my main struggles right now is wondering whether or not I'M going to drink at all this weekend. I've come to realize over the years that it's not about me and that whether or not I drink, he will. I just feel like I have no way to escape the turmoil, anxiety, stress I feel inside unless I numb it too. Sometimes I have an issue with my HP (God is fine with me) in that I'll pray about the anxiety, etc. but He doesn't take it away. Sometimes I just have to make it stop. Plus, I can't really leave without the DH and if I do, I have to take the kids or it's a bunch of drama. I wish I had more free time for me. Ok, I'll shut up now. Thanks again.

GiveLove

LOL - you never have to shut up here. It's one of SR's finer qualities....we're always open and always listening.

Isn't there anything you wish you could change about your current life? One of those magic-wand things where you can create a perfect day with a couple of good swipes?

A long time ago, I did an exercise in Barbara Sher's book Wishcraft in which she has you map out a perfect day - where you wake up, who with, what it all looks like, feels like, smells like, what you eat, where you go, what kinds of work you do (if at all), etc. It was HUGEly eye-opening for me, at a time when I too didn't know what, if anything, I wanted. I found out there were definitely things I wanted, but like you, I was convinced there was no way out and so 'why bother', my spirit said.

We're into figuring out 'why to bother' here Life's big, and can be incredibly good.

brundle

mandycro:
Welcome! If your still living with an AH your stronger then you know!!! Like GiveLove I also had to wonder 'why bother'... Usually I bother for my children...

My first post here... I likened my life to a frog placed in a pot and put on a stove... you can turn the heat up slowly until the water is boiling...the frog will never jump out boiling alive... I felt I was that frog...

It seems like life with an alcoholic progresses like that...slowly until your so trapped you don't have the energy to "jump out"... I think Al-Anon and working on your own recovery helps... like GiveLove suggested I do "just one thing"... Now I can tell that water is hot and uncomfortable; I haven't "jumped out" yet, but at least I "feel" now. At one time I wasn't sure if I felt anything at all...

My AH is in one of those holding patterns...but I know it's only a matter of time until he's "off" again. I don't think they ever get better if they aren't working on recovery. I think we just like the frog...don't notice things anymore...

Daisy30

welcome! you've come to the right place. Many of us have been in your shoes.

I too am a stay at home mom. And when people told me 2 years ago tat this disease was progressive....welll I wasn't too sure.

Let me tell you TODAY I am sure! (at least for my AH) He has done things that I could of never imagined just a few years ago and it is still getting worse.

AH and I are recently seperated. I saved up money and am using that to support myself right now and I am looking into jobs where I can work form home.

I am so glad that you are going to Al-anon you will find lots of support there. Also, Check out the Classic reading sticky at the top of this forum. I found it helpful to educate myself about the disease.

This pattern is why I styed for so long I think.....you get your hopes up and then all of a sudden they are bad again. It's like they give you just enough to keep you hanging on.

Going to Al-anon, therepy and reading about the disease will all help you deal with your anxiety ((())). You find comfort in knowing others are going through what you are going through.

be gentle with yourself

Pelican

Hi Mandycro and welcome to the SR family :ghug3

This is a great place for information and support. I am currently married, but seperated from my AH. I am also an alcoholic working my own recovery program. I am willing to share my personal experience with you.

My drinking began as social drinking, and I could take it or leave it. I have left it for extended periods of time, but always picked it back up. Each time I picked it back up, it escalated. I tried to stay sober by enlisting my husbands support. Each time I tried to involve him in my sobriety, I failed. Sometimes I picked up again with the thought, "if I can't beat em, join em." Or drinking with em, made his alcohol breath less noticable, etc...

6 months ago, I began a beautiful journey. I wanted my life back. I want to live my life sober and healthy. I want to feel my emotions and experience lifes ups and downs.

I found this wonderful site and began educating myself. I read the excerpts from the book "Under the Influence" (posted in our alcoholism section). Here is the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I bought that book and "Beyond the Influence". I highly recommend them to you to educate yourself on how alcohol affects your entire body, mind and soul. Educating myself helped me get sober. I also have the information I need to understand AH's addiction and what he is going through when he over indulges and why he is still angry when he abstains (withdrawals).

You have received some wonderful advise and support already. Something little you could do for yourself this weekend is to stay sober. It will be a beautiful gift to yourself and your children. You will have the clarity of mind to love yourself and your family.

Sometimes a few minutes by yourself after the children are in bed or before they wake is enough to get yourself grounded in positive energy. The stickies at the top of this forum are a gold mine of information. I stayed up late last night reading the sticky on "recovery". I made notecards on the information under "Hooks" and also "detaching"

Keep reading and posting. We care about you!

mandycro

Thanks so much everyone! It's fun when you come back online and there's messages for you. I really appreciate the support and info. I will read what was recomended. I have to admit, I don't necessarily like the idea of not drinking at all. I like the warm, relaxing feeling. I stay at home, put on some music, make a special meal with the family, and dance around with the kids. It's just now and then I have made dumb decisions like drinking too much and feeling nasty the next day. That's pretty rare. Also, I have driven when I shouldn't have. I plan on not doing that again. Overall, like I said before, it's kind of a beat em/join em thing. I can't stand the way he smells when I'm sober! I have been smelling that stink in our bedroom for 10 years! As you all know, I'm just trying to survive. But I don't want to do myself in in the meantime. It ticks me off because everything with him is a problem. He usually gets carried away one way or another. Well, thanks again to all who wrote. Just tell me like it is, cuz that works best for me.

sillysquirrel

I can tell you from my experience with my AH that it does worsen. We have been together for over 14 years and it has gradually gotten worse over the years and has really escalated in the last 6-8 months. I really like the FROG analogy in the stickies and it explains my situation. I would have never accepted this behavior 14 years ago but it has somehow snuck up on me and is "normal".

This is also the case for my alcoholic brother-in-law (AH's brother) and a co-worker. What used to be the occasional too much to drink has turned into full blown alcoholism for both of them. So, again, IMO, it does progress.

Good luck to you and I hope you find some peace.