adore79

I want to thank everyone for their support lately, I am still not doing so well, but I imagine things will get better after after my DUI case is over and done with, it has been causing me some stress lately, for a while it wasnt. When I get stressed some times it causes me to throw up, and then that just triggers my old bulimic tendencies. I just cant seem to be be healthy no matter what I do. But I have not been drinking.

Ive been isolating a long time and now that I am being forced to re-enter society (going to court, AA meetings, trying to find money) I am having a hard time adjusting and old feelings that caused me to isolate are coming back full force.

Im not too good at expressing my feelings so Ill just say: I dont trust people at all. Therapists have not helped, being around people has never helped. I always feel that people around me are always waiting for a chance to harm me or take advantage of me. And it occured to me recently that so-called "safe" places can never be proven as such. What is the difference between people in AA and people anywhere else? If I get a sponsor, how can I expect her to treat me well?

I've considered lately to start going back to church, but again, the same thing applies.

Im sorry for such a negative post, and I do not wish to say that AA or church is bad, they are good for many people. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks.

justanothrdrunk

You have some valid concerns I think.

For me, recovery meant taking risks. I had to just lay myself out there and take a chance. It's hard. One of the places I've found this to be easiest has been with my AA people. It took my a while, but I figured out that they are exactly the same as me. Same fears, same defects, same everything. Change a few faces and places in any alcoholics story and it's the same as mine.

Now, when I'm in any AA group, even when I don't know a single soul, I always feel like I'm with "my people."

Life is a risk. When I finally stopped hiding from those risks inside a booze bottle, taking those regular life risks became lots easier.

Mattcake

Fel.

Thanks for your honesty. As you know, I also have problems when it comes to trusting people. I do think that honesty is one of the keys. It's impossible to control other people, we can only guide our own intentions. I believe that extending honesty and truth from within ourselves is a good first step.

And then... I also think it's about a leap of faith. Not necessarily in a religious sense. Just... letting go and trusting others, even when we cannot think of one single good reason to do so. It's necessary, and I cannot think of an alternative. Put your honest good heart into it, and jump.

Samsonsworld

You know what I did? I prayed. I prayed and told God I wasn't going to fight him any more, that I was going to surrender my will to Him. And if that means using whatever avenues He's presented to me to kick this habit, then I'm going to take advanatge of it. I don't particularly like AA or sharing my life with strangers but I need it and I am using it (not the other way around).

What it all comes to is people will always let you down but God won't.

Sugah

It took a few basic shifts in perspective for me to learn to trust.

First, the world isn't all bad. People do good things. Therefore, not everyone is out to get everyone else.

Second, I had to see the idea that "everybody wants to hurt me" as one that put me at the center of everything with my only purpose in life to be everyone's doormat. When I could finally frame it in that way, I saw how illogical it was. Even the idea that others gossiped about me implied that I was so important, they could think of no one better to talk about.

Third, I recognized that there are some sick and suffering folks who don't know or choose not to learn how to treat other people. That has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Once I got my own channels clear, I was better able to see these folks and stay out of their way. And, if I do get in their way, I remind myself that it's not personal, even when it feels like it is.

Of course, this was a process and didn't come all at once. I have to remind myself of these things in unfamiliar situations where the old thoughts might try to take over again.

It starts, I think, with becoming willing to change. Following that willingness, and critical for me, was opening to the possibility that there is some sort of power greater than me that can lend strength to the process. That opens the door to all good things.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Fubarcdn

In my opinion distrust is healthy. In this world a lot of people do take advantage of other people. A good example is the recent case where many good Americans lost their entire savings to a slick financial planner. I think there were $billions involved but don't qoute me on that. I only trust people that have earned my trust.

Astro

I don't know Felly, I guess there have been times in recovery when I've had to throw caution to the wind, I needed help and support so I had to try having faith in someone. It didn't always turn out well, there were times I got burned or had my emotions stepped on. Never by a sponsor, but by people in recovery who weren't as "well" as I thought they were. Did it hurt? Yes. Was it necessary to drink over it? Never. It taught me to move on and reach out for someone else, by doing so I gradually learned who I could trust, and who I needed to avoid. As a result if it I have a large group of true friends that I can trust and count on.

I think I posted this for you before, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. It says some good things about trusting our HP, our recovery, and ourselves, and then learning to trust others.........

Wednesday, July 22, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Learning to Trust Again

Many of us have trust issues.

Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again.

Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn't work out.

Some of us were taught that life couldn't be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.

Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn't trust ourselves.

In recovery, we're healing from our trust issues. We're learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.

We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power - not to make people do what we wanted them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.

We can trust the process - of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hyper vigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what's being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.

When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.

Perhaps we always did. We just didn't listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.

Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust my Higher Power, my recovery, and myself. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

mle-sober

Felly,

I think Sugah's got some good points there.

When I read your post, I wondered if you trusted yourself? A lot of times, we get taken advantage of or whatever and we look back and realize that we had a gut instinct about that situation but we didn't steer clear because we didn't trust ourselves enough.

I love my AA home group. But there are a couple of men I just don't want to hug. I don't know why but I just don't. So, trusting myself, I say to myself: "Don't put yourself in a position where you are going to be asked to hug them." And then I take care of myself by following through on my efforts to protect myself.

I don't think that it rational to think that there are people waiting for an opportunity to harm you. I think that sounds like a feeling originating in a history of hurt. Like Sugah said, the reality is most likely that others aren't as focused on you as you are. That sounds a little mean but I don't intend it that way at all.

Here's an example from my life: I have PTSD. I was home alone with all the doors and windows locked. Suddenly, a whole bunch of men pulled up into my driveway in trucks. They were from our Electric Company and had some work to do - moving a pole - in the back yard. There were, like, 10 of them. I freaked out. I checked all the doors and windows, I grabbed my phone and I ran up to my bedroom to get as far away from them as posssible. I began to have a panic attack. I couldn't breath and I was crying. I finally called my therapist and she talked me through it. When I was done hyperventilating, I peeked outside and they were all gone.

I think about that a lot now. The truth of that situation is that none of those men even knew I was home. None of them wished me ill. It didn't make my experience any less horrible to know that. BUT I did learn from it. My future experiences that might be similar will not end in panic attacks if I have any say. It's not like I'm going to go and invite anyone in for cookies but I do not have to allow my false reality to absolutely dominate my world. It's not fair to me.

You ask if you get a sponsor, how can you expect her to treat you well. You can expect her to treat you well because you treat yourself well. We teach other people how to treat us. If she doesn't meet you on time, you say, "I would really prefer it if you would call me if you think you're running late so that I can use the time to go get a cup of coffee." Or whatever. If she doesn't appear to be listening to you, you say, "I get the feeling you're not really listening."

And if, after a couple of meetings, you feel like she is not really meeting your expectations, you have enough respect for yourself that you say to her, "I think this just isn't working out. I hope you don't mind but I think I'm going to find another sponsor." And then you do so.

So, basically, I'm saying 2 things:

1) So much of our experience of being targeted by others is really the result of us being ultra-focused inward. We feel soft and vulnerable so we think others see that and want to poke at us. But mostly, others don't even see that. Much less do they actually have a desire to poke at us. They are running around trying to protect their own insecurities.

2) You teach others how to treat you by treating your own self well and respecting your own boundaries.

I'm in a rush to finish this because I have some things I have to do. I'm not editing it. I hope I don't come off preachy and know-it-all. I responded to your post because I have spent a big part of my life walking around feeling like an open, gaping wound waiting for someone to poke me with a stick. When I stopped waiting for that stick is when I started to heal that wound.

- mle

24hrsAday

felly: be GOOD to yourself o.k?

suki44883

jowinbo

i have always isolated myself ! i have trust issues! it is so hard to get out and face our fears, and mostly...get out of our comfort zone! i am so sorry you are having a hard time! i am also! but i beleive it has to get better!!! take care sweetie!:ghug2

LaDita

Thank you so much for checking in with us and letting us know how you're feeling.

:ghug3

littlefish

What I read into this post is a basic mistrust of yourself. That is because trust starts with you believing in your own ability to judge how trustworthy others are.

For example, I am very confident in my choices of who to trust and who not to trust. I think I have a very good ability to "see the signs". And, there are always signs there that tell you if you can trust someone.
We had a member here who said that an AA-er showed up with wine. (I am not trying to trash this member, but I think this experience is a good example). For me, the sign that the person could clearly not be trusted was the wine.

So, I am trying to say: trust in your ability to read the signs in life. You will be okay, just stay alert and really take a good look at things: the warnings are there, it's just a matter of seeing them and heeding them. It starts with you trusting yourself.

resentful wife

My fear leads me to not trust.
Not trusting leads right back to my fears.
I've been real good at taking myself out of things by letting my fears lead the way.
I didn't use to be this way and I'm trying to change it a little bit at a time.
It can only get better from here!
Good luck & Blessed be

Linda

adore79

Wow, what wisdom and insight from all of you! I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Im printing this thread out so I have it for easy access in the future.

I have also come to realize that this might also be my illness tricking me again, it does not want me to get a sponsor, it does not want me to trust anyone.

I plan to do whatever it takes.

Eclipse

I have a whiteboad at work that I put sayings on...that's gonna be my new saying. Thanks. I plan to do whatever it takes too.


Hang in there. I am proud of you for not drinking.