Message I sent to AH this morning...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Message I sent to AH this morning...
He has not read it yet because he is still passed out...
***************************************
The sun just came up, but I have been up for 2 hours already. After you stumbled into bed at 3:30 a.m., I watched you the rest of the night gagging and puking with your legs shaking uncontrollably. I had to wake you a few times because you fell asleep in bed with a lit cigarette in your hand. So I'm making another attempt to reach you because I do care about all of us.
If you do not stop drinking like this, you are going to die. Your liver will fail, you will have some kind of accident, or your esophagus will burst like that guy on Intervention. This is not new information, as tons of people have died just like this, but you already know that.
If you do not stop drinking like this, you will not see your daughters grow up, walk them down the aisle or hold their babies. And in the best case scenario, you will simply alienate them because they will see that you are killing yourself and won't be able to watch.
I have always seen the potential in you from the beginning, and I think that's what hurts the most because you're taking that away from yourself. You could be and do so many things, but you're not giving yourself that chance.
Of course, I have been drinking more myself lately. It's a lot easier than dealing with problems or disappointment, or maybe it just seems that way. It's always still there when I wake up the next day, and I'm sure it is for you as well.
Instead of spending hours on the Internet looking up how to buy prescription drugs, why don't you spend that time doing research on getting help with substance abuse or read up more on how alcohol poisons your body and your brain? Type in "wet brain" on Google and read about how, even if alcoholics do live, if they continue to drink they will get older with rotted brains and become mentally disabled.
I know we have money issues, but this is more important. I'm suggesting that you go over to ____________, tell them you're suicidal (maybe it's not that far from the truth in a way), and check yourself into detox. Or find out where the closest AA meeting is and REALLY go this time without all the bulls**t. Just throw yourself on their mercy. You'd be surprised by who catches you.
I feel party responsible because I've let this go on, bought your liquor for you and drank with you. I've tried it the other way with bad results there too. I'm really at a loss over what to do anymore except get myself over to Al-Anon for some help.
I love you. I want you here for a long time. You know it's not going to happen this way--you've said it a million times yourself. The legacy you leave for yourself is the same one you will leave for all of us. _________ told me the other day that she thinks you're doing better. Don't break her heart by proving her wrong. Even as an adult, it hurts me so badly not to have a father in my life, and she and __________ are just children.
Let me know what I can do to help.
***************************************
The sun just came up, but I have been up for 2 hours already. After you stumbled into bed at 3:30 a.m., I watched you the rest of the night gagging and puking with your legs shaking uncontrollably. I had to wake you a few times because you fell asleep in bed with a lit cigarette in your hand. So I'm making another attempt to reach you because I do care about all of us.
If you do not stop drinking like this, you are going to die. Your liver will fail, you will have some kind of accident, or your esophagus will burst like that guy on Intervention. This is not new information, as tons of people have died just like this, but you already know that.
If you do not stop drinking like this, you will not see your daughters grow up, walk them down the aisle or hold their babies. And in the best case scenario, you will simply alienate them because they will see that you are killing yourself and won't be able to watch.
I have always seen the potential in you from the beginning, and I think that's what hurts the most because you're taking that away from yourself. You could be and do so many things, but you're not giving yourself that chance.
Of course, I have been drinking more myself lately. It's a lot easier than dealing with problems or disappointment, or maybe it just seems that way. It's always still there when I wake up the next day, and I'm sure it is for you as well.
Instead of spending hours on the Internet looking up how to buy prescription drugs, why don't you spend that time doing research on getting help with substance abuse or read up more on how alcohol poisons your body and your brain? Type in "wet brain" on Google and read about how, even if alcoholics do live, if they continue to drink they will get older with rotted brains and become mentally disabled.
I know we have money issues, but this is more important. I'm suggesting that you go over to ____________, tell them you're suicidal (maybe it's not that far from the truth in a way), and check yourself into detox. Or find out where the closest AA meeting is and REALLY go this time without all the bulls**t. Just throw yourself on their mercy. You'd be surprised by who catches you.
I feel party responsible because I've let this go on, bought your liquor for you and drank with you. I've tried it the other way with bad results there too. I'm really at a loss over what to do anymore except get myself over to Al-Anon for some help.
I love you. I want you here for a long time. You know it's not going to happen this way--you've said it a million times yourself. The legacy you leave for yourself is the same one you will leave for all of us. _________ told me the other day that she thinks you're doing better. Don't break her heart by proving her wrong. Even as an adult, it hurts me so badly not to have a father in my life, and she and __________ are just children.
Let me know what I can do to help.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Glenna9802 
Let me know what I can do to help.
Welcome. . . Your letter is sad to me. I read desperation in it. I've been separated from my STBXAH for almost 17 months now, and I can tell you that when I joined this forum over a year ago I was also desperate. I had no idea then what I know now. I can only change myself. STBXAH just doesn't want to. He may never find recovery- and I have to accept that. I was making myself sick trying to help him. It's was much easier for me to do that than realize that all of my focus was on him and not on the pain I was stuffing away. You cannot save him. He's an adult. You can, however, find a counselor for yourself, go to al-anon, read here and some of the books we've found helpful- like "Co-dependent No More."
I grew up with a very abusive father- it sounds like you did not have your father around while you were growing up? I wish my mom had had the strength to leave my dad and allow me the chance to grow in self confidence- but she didn't. My parents' unhealthy dynamic set me up to be where I am today- divorcing my AH. I know I was concerned our dd would see the dysfunction in our marriage, or that if we divorced she would be scarred for life. I'm not advocating divorce- I am advocating health and healing- which is something you can do for yourself. IMHO my dd is so much better off with one healthy parent- me- than she was living in the chaos of an alcoholic home. If I'm ok, she will be ok. Today I am grateful for the opportunity to find recovery and deal with some of the childhood issues I dragged with me into adulthood. I hope you will continue to come here for support and reach out for it from friends, family, a good counselor and al-anon. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 46
It hurts to love someone so much. But in some ways I feel that it is also a blessing. I am lifting you and you luv up in prayer, I put your name on my PC so through out the day, I will pray for your family. I am confident that he will "hear" your words, and hopeful that he will "listen" to his own voice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Thank you all very much. I found an Al-Anon meeting for tomorrow morning and plan to go. AH says he will go to AA, but I know I cannot hold his hand and make him go. He has to do it on his own. He has tried it before, but didn't really embrace the message, but I can't force that either. All I can do is just hope and pray for all of us.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And if he does not choose recovery? What happens then? (I notice that your note is devoid of any boundaries, as in "this is what I will have to do for my sake and the kids' sake".) Al-Anon and personal counseling can help you to shape a future that is healthy, no matter what an alcoholic decides to do or not do....congrats on committing to going to a meeting.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Pajarito
You can help yourself- that's all you can do.
Take all that time and energy that you have spent on buying his liquor and drinking with him and trying to get him to quit drinking and googling wet brain and writing long heartfelt letters and spend it where it will actually do some good.
On You.
I am sorry to sound so cold, but it's the truth.
Read the stickies here, read the threads, keep posting to get people's feedback, love, experience, strength and hope, there is ton of information and support available here, but it all goes back to:
You can help yourself- that's all you can do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You are ready for a change. He may not be. My exAH was not ready to give up drinking when I finally said "enough". In fact, it was probably two years after we separated and divorced before he finally stopped his partying and came back to this side of sanity. He has slipped and straightened out repeatedly these past 5 years.
My experience is that they (the A's) stay in denial much longer than WE do. And as long as nothing changes the status quo, then they continue drinking. Are you prepared to keep this up, this bedroom experience night after night? I could not. I called it quits, said that's it, and asked for a divorce. My sanity was at stake, never mind his.
I could have written every line of your letter, Glenna. I'll bet most of us here could. I don't think it will change anything, sweetie. I know it comes from your heart, and you want to believe he will "hear" you finally and come to his senses, but my experience is that his schedule isn't yours. He'll only "get it" when he is ready to get it. And he won't get it from listening to you.
Drop your expectations for a minute. Step back and look at your life. Is this what you want? Only YOU can make this change, and only for yourself. Not for him.
My experience is that they (the A's) stay in denial much longer than WE do. And as long as nothing changes the status quo, then they continue drinking. Are you prepared to keep this up, this bedroom experience night after night? I could not. I called it quits, said that's it, and asked for a divorce. My sanity was at stake, never mind his.
I could have written every line of your letter, Glenna. I'll bet most of us here could. I don't think it will change anything, sweetie. I know it comes from your heart, and you want to believe he will "hear" you finally and come to his senses, but my experience is that his schedule isn't yours. He'll only "get it" when he is ready to get it. And he won't get it from listening to you.
Drop your expectations for a minute. Step back and look at your life. Is this what you want? Only YOU can make this change, and only for yourself. Not for him.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
peacetech is right
you did not cause, you cannot control, and you cannot cure him or anyone else
BUT!!
you can cause good things to happen to YOU
you can control what you do or you don't do at any given moment
you CAN cure yourself !
that is your one and only job (and we have enough with that one
)... we need to learn that we can love anyone as much as we wish - respecting ourselves first.
i realized i was not being respected or respecting myself when i stayed there driving him around when he could not, going to bars and places just because he wanted to, befriending HIS friends even if I had nothing in common ( trying too hard to please him and them, while when he met MY friends he was hostile and never said a word) and believing his cruel comments when he stumbled drunk in our bed. do you think Love lives in those moments? as sad as it was for me, it did not.. we all know what love is like, compassion, tenderness, laughter, humour, support, company, growth, endless chats through the night...endless commentary on ourselves and the world... sympathy and empathy... i had all them once but then they were lost.
alcoholism is progressive and is merciless. please accept the fact that many people have fought this monster many many times... but it always wins unless the person seeks recovery and makes it his #1 priority in life
it is his path, and you have yours!!
you did not cause, you cannot control, and you cannot cure him or anyone else
BUT!!
you can cause good things to happen to YOU
you can control what you do or you don't do at any given moment
you CAN cure yourself !
that is your one and only job (and we have enough with that one
)... we need to learn that we can love anyone as much as we wish - respecting ourselves first.i realized i was not being respected or respecting myself when i stayed there driving him around when he could not, going to bars and places just because he wanted to, befriending HIS friends even if I had nothing in common ( trying too hard to please him and them, while when he met MY friends he was hostile and never said a word) and believing his cruel comments when he stumbled drunk in our bed. do you think Love lives in those moments? as sad as it was for me, it did not.. we all know what love is like, compassion, tenderness, laughter, humour, support, company, growth, endless chats through the night...endless commentary on ourselves and the world... sympathy and empathy... i had all them once but then they were lost.
alcoholism is progressive and is merciless. please accept the fact that many people have fought this monster many many times... but it always wins unless the person seeks recovery and makes it his #1 priority in life
it is his path, and you have yours!!
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Glenna -- I'm glad you found this forum -- It has been a very valuable source of encouragement, strength and courage for me for the past couple of months.
Your letter was soooo familiar to me. I have written letters like that. In fact, I could probably fill a book with those letters. I would read them back to myself before I gave them to him, cry and wonder, "how could he not respond to it? how could this not tug at his heart strings and help him to see the light". I don't think he saw them the same way -- sure, it would tug on his heart strings for a while. But I think eventually it confirmed to him that he had me wrapped around his little finger and with me loving and caring so much for him, I would never leave.
I spent years writing letters, pleading, begging, yelling, screaming, hiding keys so he wouldn't drive, hiding my purse so he wouldn't steal money for drugs, cleaning up his messes, sticking up and defending him to others, believing his lies, trusting him, reading about the disease of alcoholism, searching for "what I could do to help him". I enabled him by having a fairly "normal" home for our girls, food in the fridge, drove him everywhere (he lost his licence) -- he never felt consequences because I was always there to cushion the fall. He went to rehab, stayed sober, slipped, tumbled, completely fell -- dragging me with him. Nothing worked. Nothing has changed. Because HE doesn't recognize that he has a problem. In the meantime, I no longer recognize myself.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I know there are some who recover and I will personally never lose hope. But if you listen to their stories, they have had to work incredible hard for this change. I know that my husband still does not believe he has a problem. I am no longer going to witness his slow, suicide. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take care of you -- I'm glad you're going to alanon. It helped me a few years ago. I'm reading codependent no more for the second time and that is helpful. As I said before, coming here has been a sanity saver right now -- so much experience, strength, hope and courage. I have started writing in my journal again -- letters to me now!
take care
Your letter was soooo familiar to me. I have written letters like that. In fact, I could probably fill a book with those letters. I would read them back to myself before I gave them to him, cry and wonder, "how could he not respond to it? how could this not tug at his heart strings and help him to see the light". I don't think he saw them the same way -- sure, it would tug on his heart strings for a while. But I think eventually it confirmed to him that he had me wrapped around his little finger and with me loving and caring so much for him, I would never leave.
I spent years writing letters, pleading, begging, yelling, screaming, hiding keys so he wouldn't drive, hiding my purse so he wouldn't steal money for drugs, cleaning up his messes, sticking up and defending him to others, believing his lies, trusting him, reading about the disease of alcoholism, searching for "what I could do to help him". I enabled him by having a fairly "normal" home for our girls, food in the fridge, drove him everywhere (he lost his licence) -- he never felt consequences because I was always there to cushion the fall. He went to rehab, stayed sober, slipped, tumbled, completely fell -- dragging me with him. Nothing worked. Nothing has changed. Because HE doesn't recognize that he has a problem. In the meantime, I no longer recognize myself.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I know there are some who recover and I will personally never lose hope. But if you listen to their stories, they have had to work incredible hard for this change. I know that my husband still does not believe he has a problem. I am no longer going to witness his slow, suicide. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take care of you -- I'm glad you're going to alanon. It helped me a few years ago. I'm reading codependent no more for the second time and that is helpful. As I said before, coming here has been a sanity saver right now -- so much experience, strength, hope and courage. I have started writing in my journal again -- letters to me now!
take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I went back and re-read my message to AH and realized that all of you are right. I have left him many times and came back, begged and pleaded, confronted, and now feel that I am developing an alcohol problem of my own partly due to the stress of it all. None of it has made a bit of difference.
I know that I am severely codependent--always have been. This is something I want to work on in Al-Anon when I start going tomorrow. In addition to the girls with AH, I have two sons (10 and 6) from my first husband who are not allowed over at my house because of AH. I have to resort to seeing them at a park or McDonald's once or twice a week, and that is no way to raise children.
The whole situation has caused me tremendous stress and guilt and eats away at me more and more every day. My youngest daughter is too young to understand, and my stepdaughter is only here once in a while, but the youngest lives with us full time, and I hate to imagine the things she will see if he doesn't get help or if I stay. He can be a very mean drunk verbally, and that is too much for an adult woman, not to mention a little girl.
I keep telling myself I keep going back because I love him so much, which I do, but there is a lot of codependency going on. I was going to therapy for a while, but couldn't afford it anymore, so now I'm not getting any. I have a whole host of my own problems to work on and can't save AH or anyone else, I know that. I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on. Thanks for your help, it makes me feel better to post.
I know that I am severely codependent--always have been. This is something I want to work on in Al-Anon when I start going tomorrow. In addition to the girls with AH, I have two sons (10 and 6) from my first husband who are not allowed over at my house because of AH. I have to resort to seeing them at a park or McDonald's once or twice a week, and that is no way to raise children.
The whole situation has caused me tremendous stress and guilt and eats away at me more and more every day. My youngest daughter is too young to understand, and my stepdaughter is only here once in a while, but the youngest lives with us full time, and I hate to imagine the things she will see if he doesn't get help or if I stay. He can be a very mean drunk verbally, and that is too much for an adult woman, not to mention a little girl.
I keep telling myself I keep going back because I love him so much, which I do, but there is a lot of codependency going on. I was going to therapy for a while, but couldn't afford it anymore, so now I'm not getting any. I have a whole host of my own problems to work on and can't save AH or anyone else, I know that. I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on. Thanks for your help, it makes me feel better to post.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
I have two sons (10 and 6) from my first husband who are not allowed over at my house because of AH. I have to resort to seeing them at a park or McDonald's once or twice a week, and that is no way to raise children.
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
My youngest daughter is too young to understand
Unless you choose to break the cycle, they will learn codependency from you, they will learn that you AH is what an adult male/husband is suppsoe to be.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
from B-52:"Don't count on it. I knew something was not right with my alcoholic parents befroe I was in kindergarten. I didn't have words for it but I knew. And I grew up learning all sorts of disfunctional lessons that I sure wish I hadn't learned."
Sadly, same for me.
peace,
b
Sadly, same for me.
peace,
b
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
I am developing an alcohol problem of my own partly due to the stress of it all.
I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on.
I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on.
Being Sober is helpful to making better decisions and will be helpful in being part of ALL of your children's lives and you will find a ton of support there as well.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
The whole situation has caused me tremendous stress and guilt and eats away at me more and more every day. My youngest daughter is too young to understand, and my stepdaughter is only here once in a while, but the youngest lives with us full time, and I hate to imagine the things she will see if he doesn't get help or if I stay. He can be a very mean drunk verbally, and that is too much for an adult woman, not to mention a little girl.
I keep telling myself I keep going back because I love him so much, which I do, but there is a lot of codependency going on. I was going to therapy for a while, but couldn't afford it anymore, so now I'm not getting any. I have a whole host of my own problems to work on and can't save AH or anyone else, I know that. I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on. Thanks for your help, it makes me feel better to post.
I keep telling myself I keep going back because I love him so much, which I do, but there is a lot of codependency going on. I was going to therapy for a while, but couldn't afford it anymore, so now I'm not getting any. I have a whole host of my own problems to work on and can't save AH or anyone else, I know that. I just can't seem to stop myself or step outside myself and see what is really going on. Thanks for your help, it makes me feel better to post.
I told myself I loved STBXAH too- and I do have a place in my heart for him, but I've had to ask myself why I allowed myself to be abused by him for so long? Is that really love??? It's not the kind of love I want. I know I deserve better- first I love myself- the rest will follow. And I used to think I loved myself. . . I'm finding with the help of a great counselor that that isn't the case. It's not easy. It's painful having to address the issues that led me here, but I know it will be worth it. It's already worth it- I have found a lot of support and my house is peaceful. I wish you the best Glenna. . . alanon is a great start, and it sounds like you are questioning a lot about the insanity you have been living in. I hope you will continue to listen to your inner voice.
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