New Here - Not In A Good Place Tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1
New Here - Not In A Good Place Tonight
I'm new to this site, having just done a google search for an online Al Anon support group. I find myself here because I could really use some support for what I've been dealing with and have no one IRL that I can talk to about it.
My husband is an alcoholic/addict. His general pattern is to use, go to AA, get some clean time, stop the meetings - repeat. The amount of clean time varies - sometimes up to 2 years even before he blows it. What I am going to say wouldn't have the same effect if I didn't tell you - this past November I gave birth to twin sons. I was only 28 weeks along when I delivered and I've had a long, hard NICU roller coaster ride ever since. My oldest son has had the most complications - has already had one surgery and we're waiting to hear when another will be done. My youngest son has been home since Jan. 19. Life is crazy - so the last thing I needed was for my husband to go out Saturday night and smoke $500 in crack. I should also mention that I was 4 months along when my position was eliminated so I'm not currently employed and am having trouble going back to work right now.
I'm devastated. Angry. Hurt. I've never felt this way before, and even though I know better, I can't believe he did this to me. Honestly my heart can't take anymore and I'm not dealing with this well. Sunday I wouldn't let him home - we also have a 4 year old and I didn't want her seeing him like that. Monday morning I took the dog to the vet because he fractured his foot and then I had to let him back. I just couldn't care for my daughter, my son, and deal with the dog.
I don't know why I stay with him - I really don't think he loves me, and I'm not sure I love him anymore. He repulses me anymore and I can't even stand to look at him. He's not very nice to me - is even cruel to our daughter - very self absorbed and one of the most selfish people I've ever met. If my family and friends knew all this they'd think I was nuts for staying with him - I think they're right. I've talked to his mother about it some, which was a mistake - his father is an alcoholic and his sister is way bad off. When I talk to her she tells me to deal with it, it's what I married, then reminds me how bad her life of dealing with this is. I disagree, I don't have to deal with it - I just don't know why I do.
Is this the right place for this or do I seriously need a shrink??
My husband is an alcoholic/addict. His general pattern is to use, go to AA, get some clean time, stop the meetings - repeat. The amount of clean time varies - sometimes up to 2 years even before he blows it. What I am going to say wouldn't have the same effect if I didn't tell you - this past November I gave birth to twin sons. I was only 28 weeks along when I delivered and I've had a long, hard NICU roller coaster ride ever since. My oldest son has had the most complications - has already had one surgery and we're waiting to hear when another will be done. My youngest son has been home since Jan. 19. Life is crazy - so the last thing I needed was for my husband to go out Saturday night and smoke $500 in crack. I should also mention that I was 4 months along when my position was eliminated so I'm not currently employed and am having trouble going back to work right now.
I'm devastated. Angry. Hurt. I've never felt this way before, and even though I know better, I can't believe he did this to me. Honestly my heart can't take anymore and I'm not dealing with this well. Sunday I wouldn't let him home - we also have a 4 year old and I didn't want her seeing him like that. Monday morning I took the dog to the vet because he fractured his foot and then I had to let him back. I just couldn't care for my daughter, my son, and deal with the dog.
I don't know why I stay with him - I really don't think he loves me, and I'm not sure I love him anymore. He repulses me anymore and I can't even stand to look at him. He's not very nice to me - is even cruel to our daughter - very self absorbed and one of the most selfish people I've ever met. If my family and friends knew all this they'd think I was nuts for staying with him - I think they're right. I've talked to his mother about it some, which was a mistake - his father is an alcoholic and his sister is way bad off. When I talk to her she tells me to deal with it, it's what I married, then reminds me how bad her life of dealing with this is. I disagree, I don't have to deal with it - I just don't know why I do.
Is this the right place for this or do I seriously need a shrink??
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Welcome Halfangel. Geesh, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this all. And I will definitely send you some white light and good thoughts about those wee little babies.
I found out my husband was using meth on my due date with our daughter. 40 weeks. Hi! Thanks for being a selfish sonofabitch. He's been sober over a year and I am so thankful for that, but sometimes you have to wonder what people are thinking when they turn to drugs at the worst possible time?
So, I can empathize with you on some level there.
I think you really hit something when you said that he repulses you. When you lose respect for someone that much, it's so hard to rebuild.
It sounds like his mother is in denial to some extent. You would think she would understand from a woman's perspective (at the very least) that you have twins who are fragile and in need of you. That she would understand how much you have to heal physically and in other ways from a pregnancy. The emotional toll this all has to be taking on you. I wish I could hug you.
:ghug
I'm sure you'll get a lot of stellar advice here. These ladies are mega-awesome. Do you have any plans? I mean, if you were going to leave and get out of the relationship, do you have any plans in place for that? (i.e. lawyer, funds set aside for moving, etc?) I know you said you are having a hard time finding work, so I'm sure that's just adding to all of this.
But, maybe you can gain some of that peace back by planning for the future. Doing research for yourself on a place to live, supporting yourself, etc. So, that if you make that decision to go forth on your own, it's not so scary.
I found out my husband was using meth on my due date with our daughter. 40 weeks. Hi! Thanks for being a selfish sonofabitch. He's been sober over a year and I am so thankful for that, but sometimes you have to wonder what people are thinking when they turn to drugs at the worst possible time?
So, I can empathize with you on some level there.
I think you really hit something when you said that he repulses you. When you lose respect for someone that much, it's so hard to rebuild.
It sounds like his mother is in denial to some extent. You would think she would understand from a woman's perspective (at the very least) that you have twins who are fragile and in need of you. That she would understand how much you have to heal physically and in other ways from a pregnancy. The emotional toll this all has to be taking on you. I wish I could hug you.
:ghug
I'm sure you'll get a lot of stellar advice here. These ladies are mega-awesome. Do you have any plans? I mean, if you were going to leave and get out of the relationship, do you have any plans in place for that? (i.e. lawyer, funds set aside for moving, etc?) I know you said you are having a hard time finding work, so I'm sure that's just adding to all of this.
But, maybe you can gain some of that peace back by planning for the future. Doing research for yourself on a place to live, supporting yourself, etc. So, that if you make that decision to go forth on your own, it's not so scary.
HalfAngelAttitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
You're in the right place and no, I don't think you need a shrink.
I am a Recovering Addict/Alcoholic with 3 1/2 years in Recovery. I cannot give you any advice on how to deal with the situation buy I will certainly keep you, your kids and yes, your husband, in my thoughts and Prayers.
I am in no way defending your husbands actions with what I am about to say. When an addict/alcoholic is faced with a difficult situation or trying time, some do seem to think the only way to deal with it is to pick up. Sometimes it is the only coping skill that we have learned. Of course, healthy individuals cannot understand this.
You have a great deal on your plate right now and it's a shame that you can't get any understanding and support from your inlaws at this time. Your MIL sounds like she doesn't know how to handle her own situation much less be able to give any support to you.
Have you looked into Alanon? Many groups do have childcare available. I know of a few groups that a few members each take turns babysitting for all the kids while the others are in the Meeting. You will find a great deal of support there AS WELL as here.
I hope you will stick around and please know that although your husband's behaviors seem to tell you something competely different, when we are in our addiction, the last thing we want to do is to cause those we love more pain than we already have. Addiction is a vicious cycle, we use because we feel guilty and we feel guilty because we use.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Halfangel)))
Welcome to SR! You've come to the right place...it may be slow, this time of the night, but there will be many to welcome you.
I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codependent (codie). Prior to my addiciton I was a nurse and did some work in NICU, so sending special hugs the twin still in there and also hugs to ((mom)).
I hate crack. I have almost 2 years clean, and will do everything in my power to make sure I don't go back to that stuff.
I can understand your feelings about your AH (addict husband). They are very understandable. As zombiewife asked, are you making plans on life without him, or is this still in the thinking stage?
Either way, one thing to remember about his addiction...the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and you can't change it. Unless HE is serious about recovery, he won't get it, no matter what you do or say.
The best thing you can do is focus on you and your kids. If he is being cruel to your daughter, she is learning that this is acceptable behavior from men at a very young age. I know this is not what you want for her, and you are doing the best you can, but it is something to keep in mind.
I hope you keep reading and posting..you are not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR! You've come to the right place...it may be slow, this time of the night, but there will be many to welcome you.
I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codependent (codie). Prior to my addiciton I was a nurse and did some work in NICU, so sending special hugs the twin still in there and also hugs to ((mom)).
I hate crack. I have almost 2 years clean, and will do everything in my power to make sure I don't go back to that stuff.
I can understand your feelings about your AH (addict husband). They are very understandable. As zombiewife asked, are you making plans on life without him, or is this still in the thinking stage?
Either way, one thing to remember about his addiction...the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and you can't change it. Unless HE is serious about recovery, he won't get it, no matter what you do or say.
The best thing you can do is focus on you and your kids. If he is being cruel to your daughter, she is learning that this is acceptable behavior from men at a very young age. I know this is not what you want for her, and you are doing the best you can, but it is something to keep in mind.
I hope you keep reading and posting..you are not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by HalfAngel 
When I talk to her she tells me to deal with it, it's what I married, then reminds me how bad her life of dealing with this is. I disagree, I don't have to deal with it - I just don't know why I do.
and if you decide you want to leave him, there's not a person in the world that can blame you for it. he is being unfaithful and putting you in a dangerous situation and that is no doubt a breach of your marriage contract. this is one of those situations where there is absolutely nothing you can do for him and you have to think about you and your kids first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
HalfAngel, Welcome to SR! You are in the right place. I believe that the reason you're still dealing with it, is because you have so much on your plate. Besides the emotional roller-coaster of dealing with an addict, you also have the emotions of a new mom, and especailly when your little ones are so needy because of the early birth, then there's your daughter. Way too much for one person to handle alone.
Keep posting & reading the other threads.
I'm sending hugs & prayers your way.
Keep posting & reading the other threads.
I'm sending hugs & prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi, Welcome to SR!! I hope you keep coming back because this is a great place for 24/7 support and encouragement. No appointment necessary.
Hugs and prayers for you and the kids. I cannot imagine the grief and betrayal you must be feeling right now. You do have your hands full and you are doing it mostly alone and I know that was not part of the deal when you got married and had children.
My AH began drinking again during my pregnancy after being sober for what, according to him, was about 10 years. He kept saying he was going to stop and to trust him to break the cycle because he didn't want to be "that" kind of father. I trusted him. I think he was drinking the night I went into labor but I can't honestly remember.
Soon after, due to some accidents/injuries, he got back on pills then back on heroin then detox (twice) and now he's decided he wants to smoke crack. Our daughter is 2 1/2 now so this has been a tough couple of years. I have older children who are very helpful and friends/church that are very supportive but I too am at a crossroads of such in trying to figure out what I need to do both for me and my family.
All drugs scare me but especially the crack. From what I understand, there are no limits as to what someone will do to get it and there is never enough. You sound pretty strong and I think you should take advantage of that strength right now and move pretty quickly in at least establishing boundaries or moving on. I keep my AH around too because I need his help and that's not the right reason.
Do you have any family, friends or church members you can enlist for help? I know are juggeling alot right now.
:ghug3
Hugs and prayers for you and the kids. I cannot imagine the grief and betrayal you must be feeling right now. You do have your hands full and you are doing it mostly alone and I know that was not part of the deal when you got married and had children.
My AH began drinking again during my pregnancy after being sober for what, according to him, was about 10 years. He kept saying he was going to stop and to trust him to break the cycle because he didn't want to be "that" kind of father. I trusted him. I think he was drinking the night I went into labor but I can't honestly remember.
Soon after, due to some accidents/injuries, he got back on pills then back on heroin then detox (twice) and now he's decided he wants to smoke crack. Our daughter is 2 1/2 now so this has been a tough couple of years. I have older children who are very helpful and friends/church that are very supportive but I too am at a crossroads of such in trying to figure out what I need to do both for me and my family.
All drugs scare me but especially the crack. From what I understand, there are no limits as to what someone will do to get it and there is never enough. You sound pretty strong and I think you should take advantage of that strength right now and move pretty quickly in at least establishing boundaries or moving on. I keep my AH around too because I need his help and that's not the right reason.
Do you have any family, friends or church members you can enlist for help? I know are juggeling alot right now.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome! You are at the right place. There are many of us who know how difficult it is to live with an addict and how difficult it is to be strong enough to leave. Only you know what is best for you and the kids. You are obviously one strong woman. However, I know that sometimes it seems like you just can't take it anymore. You can.
Keep coming here. Start thinking about what you want for you and your kids. If that isn't going to happen in the current situation, then start making a plan. Lean on your family and friends for comfort, strength and love. Let them help and ask for help. You deserve to be well, safe and loved.
Keep coming back here, there is always someone around to "listen" and provide support.
Keep coming here. Start thinking about what you want for you and your kids. If that isn't going to happen in the current situation, then start making a plan. Lean on your family and friends for comfort, strength and love. Let them help and ask for help. You deserve to be well, safe and loved.
Keep coming back here, there is always someone around to "listen" and provide support.
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