LaDita

It's sort of strange paradox, telling your parents that your in recovery to deal with the stuff they put you through. When I tell my mom that I'm getting counseling, it always felt very awkward and strange. Of course I don't tell her exactly what I talk about, but I know she knows and I have to admit it's a strange feeling- for both of us, I'm sure.

Latte

My parents both know. My active alcoholic father believes my addiction/alcoholism/Co-Dependency is his fault. I told him I'm done pointing fingers, I am just trying to live a good life. He is so sick it is hard for him to understand. My Mom just wants me to be happy. She divorced my father 16 years ago and she has always told me that I am responsible for my own life.

Lenore

I have the same feelings, LaDita. My mum knows I'm in therapy but we don't talk about it, we just skirt around the subject. My Dad now knows, even though I've been in therapy for nearly 2 years, but he doesn't know anymore than "I see a threrapist 3 times a week" as I find it hard to talk to him about my private life at all. It often feels to me that they think I'm pointing the finger, as Latte said, but I hope that they are happy that I'm getting well as neither can have failed to see the mess that I was during my teens and early 20's. In the end, I just had to say to myself that I have a right to be healthy and that I'm taking responsibility for myself, but won't take responsibility for the way they feel anymore.

jety75

I was very honest with my family that I had a therapist to deal with "issues." It's funny this post came up. A few weeks ago I had an argument with my mom about how I was feeling and she said no word of a lie "Shouldn't your therapists have helped you deal with the past?" I wanted to tell her the past is still here. Dad is still an alcoholic, you are still enabling him and you are still making excuses for the abuse and neglect.
My mother and sisters believe "You shouldn't air your dirty laundry to a stranger" or "They will judge you"...LOL
Years ago I remember thinking my family would be "proud" of me for trying to make myself healthy. I was very wrong. My therapist became a source of anger to my family. I eventually stopped mentioning thearapy. I couldn't let my family's denial taint something that was important to me. I haven't felt the need to see a therapist for a few years. After reading some of my posts I think I will make an appointment today....LOL

tromboneliness

I used to talk about a lot of stuff with my mother (who died late last year), but as far as my Dad goes, there is no point in talking about anything. He would scoff at the idea of "recovery," and it goes without saying that therapy is for weak-minded nuts (like my Mom, but hey).

There would be nothing gained by any mention of 12-step recovery, so I do not talk about it -- as I do not talk about much of anything personal -- with my Dad. I don't think there's any need to tell your family, "Hey, I'm in therapy, can you dig it?" They're never going to admit they did you (me/us -- I'm using the generic "you" here) any harm -- nor are they likely to feel that there's any merit to "recovery," because they don't think there's anything we need to "recover" from.

My recovery -- whatever form it takes -- is part of my life, not theirs.

T

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

My parents showed up during my
rehab stay for family weekend.
Rehashing childhood stories about
physical and verbal abuse....
lots of thundering going on
outside.

Ok, so i got help. Move on now
with ur little family and leave the
past behind you. Let it go.
Enjoy ur life......AND.....

With all these yrs that have
past, ur not an alcoholic.
You dont have problems with
alcohol anymore. Move on.

Be happy and quite thinking
of the past. Its over.

You havent drank in all these
yrs. Ur not an alcoholic, it was
just something you were
going thru back then. hmmmm

Today I dont communicate
with family unless necessary.
I cant change the past and
can only except what it was
and that i dont have to live
like that anymore.

I also cant change the way
other people think esp. my
parents. I know who and what
I am and Im happy just the
way I am....infact im better
for all the changes that have
happened in my life.

Maybe my family wants to steal
my happiness away from me. Or
they cant stand to see me as
happy as i am today.

Today I dont need all the negativity
and drama in my life.

Being around my AA family is
much healthier for me.

Thanks for letting me share.

GiveLove

I find that the healthier I get, the less I need to mention to my parents, siblings, or anyone else that I'm in counseling.

Truly? What I do to get healthy is none of their business. But there were days in my past when I brought it up because on a deep level I wanted them to feel guilty, or at least to help out by supporting me. I wanted them to see what I was doing and change. I wanted to make them PART of my therapy, in other words.

When I realized how counterproductive that was -- that the fact they still didn't care was actually DAMAGING the benefits I got from therapy -- I stopped bringing it up, and found I made better progress that way.

Hugs,
GL

dothi

Quoted for truth.

I also found there was no point in trying explain why I was going counselling to family members who believed there was nothing wrong (unless I wanted an argument about how everything that was wrong was wrong with me because I was seeking outside help to begin with). There is also that careful transition when you switch from seeking help to benefit the family to seeking help to benefit you. The only person you can control is you. Even as you make incredible progress, it doesn't translate into clarity for other family members.

I read that as, "aren't you fixed now?"

For family members in denial, the need to believe that nothing is wrong and they are part of a perfect family is so essential that even the past escapes their reality... which makes sense really, because if they can't see the evidence in front of them now, how can they have the critical thinking skills to look back upon the past? So you went to therapy. You must have failed because you should have come back all fixed up with a fresh coat of paint on, right? You should have returned with no ill feelings and ready to return to the family dynamic... NOT!

No rational thinking person can truly believe that the past can just be erased at your convenience. Jety, your family is still locked in that black & white thinking that it's either all perfect or broken. They don't know how to acknowledge imperfection (a.k.a. past mistakes) without their whole world crashing down. It's all (perfect) or nothing (disaster) for them, which is how the alcoholic dynamic works. Hang in there for you, jety.