Please welcome isabelleT

Old 02-10-2009, 08:41 PM
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Please welcome isabelleT

Hi, so I'm new to this forum. I have a couple questions. Here is a little bit of background for you guys. My mother was a "functional alcoholic" who was also bipolar and never felt the need to go for recovery. She has repeatedly attempted suicide the most recent attempt being over a year ago. She has fried her brain and no longer has any short term memory. That being said, she has also lost the terrible mood swings and anger. My father is a terrible co-dependent and continues to supply her with wine to keep her happy. I also have come to realize that I married an alcoholic. I am learning about the ways he has lied and manipulated me into believing that I was the cause. I was going to alanon as regularly as I could until we moved out of the country. This past weekend he didn't come home until 9 am and doesn't remember much of the night. I told him I was fed up and was leaving.

I think he finally looked in the mirror. Now he has supposedly done this before, but has never, never, never admitted he had a problem. He has agreed that he is an alcoholic and has started AA. He went to his first meeting last night and was pretty enthusiastic about it. he tends to be a person that once he has decided to do something he throws everything into it for a while. My concern and questions are can I believe him? We were planning a trip back to the US for a couple weeks in the end of February and I would like to stay past when we planned on coming back home. He thinks I am not supporting him during his intense time of need. I don't know what to do. He's never committed like this before. I have tried to explain to him that I need time for myself.

I have read a couple really good suggestions on this forum about setting goals and reviewing each week. I believed for a long time that we were honest with each other and I hope that we can be again. Would it be mean to stay in the US for a while and leave him alone? I am planning on going to alanon again and have been in therapy for a couple months. I just don't know if I can trust him again. How long does it take to regain trust in your partner?

Any help would be great!!!
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Old 02-10-2009, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by isabelleT View Post
I would like to stay past when we planned on coming back home. He thinks I am not supporting him during his intense time of need. I don't know what to do. He's never committed like this before. I have tried to explain to him that I need time for myself.
Would it be mean to stay in the US for a while and leave him alone? I am planning on going to alanon again and have been in therapy for a couple months. I just don't know if I can trust him again. How long does it take to regain trust in your partner
Welcome Isabelle. I don't think it would be mean to stay in the US for longer than you planned. Did he consider it mean when he was abusing alcohol and all that implies?? He is a grown man that can take care of himself and his own recovery.

How long does it take to regain trust in your partner? As long as you need!

Please keep posting. More will be along soon. In the meantime there are some great informational stickies at the top of this forum.
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Old 02-10-2009, 09:15 PM
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Thanks for the reply. I just read through some stuff I wrote in my blueprints for progress book. I so easily forget how it feels when they drink. He keeps telling me that if I dwell in the past we will never recover. We agreed to have a weekly brunch and discuss the previous week and the next week. He wants to try to do 90 meetings in 90 days as best as he can-he travels a lot with work. Its amazing how fear can control your life. Like now, I'm fearful that if I do stick to my guns and stay in the US for a little longer, he will leave me. But I know that fear isn't rational considering three days ago I was considering leaving. Ugh. I hate the feelings of always trying to please even when its not good for me.
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Old 02-10-2009, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by isabelleT View Post
I believed for a long time that we were honest with each other and I hope that we can be again. Would it be mean to stay in the US for a while and leave him alone? I am planning on going to alanon again and have been in therapy for a couple months. I just don't know if I can trust him again. How long does it take to regain trust in your partner?
Welcome Isabelle! I am so glad you have found SR. It has been a source of strength for me for the past year, and I have found the ES &H offered here grounded and real. The stickies here (and other forums too) have taught me so much. I just finished the recently revised "Codependent No More - for a New Generation" also very useful.

I used to wonder when I could trust my partner again, or when we could be honest and share love like once had. But I found that question to be unanswerable for me. It tortured me really.

With help from Al-Anon/SR and therapy, I started to build trust in myself first. (Stripping away my denial. Believing my own truth little by little. This has been hard for me.) I began the very hard shift towards being honest with myself, and I stopped worrying if he was being honest or showing me trust. (Very liberating)

I don't think it's mean to take care of yourself and to stay in a place (the US visit) that may give you the space and peace of mind you seem to desire. In fact, the distance can provide perspective for everyone and the space for action inspired by self-love not need.

Welcome.
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Old 02-10-2009, 09:21 PM
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isabelleT--

welcome!

There is nothing "mean" about taking care of you.

Questions about trust and can you believe him? etc. are tricky - when we break out of denial and accept the reality of how our A loved ones have been lying and deceiving us and themselves it can be a pretty rough wake-up. Be gentle with yourself - calling yourself "mean" probably isn't a very useful tool for making your decision. Do you have a healthy impulse to stay in the US for your own peace of mind and mental health? I'd say go for it!

As far as his recovery - it is 100% his to own.

If he's serious about recovery it will not matter (to his recovery) whether you are away for a while taking care of you.

You didn't Cause it,
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

peace-
b.
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Old 02-10-2009, 10:11 PM
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Welcome Isabelle

Hmm...lots of questions, lots of good answers, so I'll try to answer from my experience, strength and Hope, which is as an Alcoholic in Recovery as well as a recovering codependent.

First: How Long Will It Take to Regain My Trust?

For me, it took what it took, your trust may never return, trust, like respect are "earned" qualities, they are like driving, they are privileges, and when they get "taken away" they need to be earned back, if he gets a sponsor who's got any recovery at all this will be pointed out to him, and it doesn't get to be on his "schedule" either, you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

If he's actually serious about his own recovery, nothing you do can affect it one way or another, recovery is like drinking, we just don't have power over someone else's drinking or recovery, so don't let him play that card, and if he has any questions about that, refer him to me and I'll show him all the relevant pages in the Big Book of AA that refer to marriages and early recovery.

If he is serious about recovery there is a whole section of the book and many passages I call "you'd better clean up yo act up quick if you want to save your marriage and here's how" that doesn't mince words. Just quitting drinking is NOT considered NEARLY enough in AA to save a marriage. As a matter of fact there is a passage about a farmer who comes up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined," looks around, and remarks to his wife, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" (metaphor for his drinking)

This is not considered "acceptable behavior". So you just do what you need to do, he can wait.

OK, Now that we got "him" and "that" out of the way, what I have learned is the focus needs to be on me. The ESH you have gotten already in this thread is spot on.

If he's serious about recovery it will not matter (to his recovery) whether you are away for a while taking care of you.

You didn't Cause it,
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Did he consider it mean when he was abusing alcohol and all that implies?? He is a grown man that can take care of himself and his own recovery.

How long does it take to regain trust in your partner? As long as you need!
Take whatever time you need, and be gentle on yourself in the meantime, during that time his actions will be all the barometer you need to decide if you'd like to go forward, he'll give you the information over the next few months, so if you take that time to take care of yourself, go to Alanon meetings, get some therapy, you will be prepared whichever way this turns out to move forward and make whatever decision you need to make in a healthy manner.
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:29 AM
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Welcome Isabelle! I'm fairly new to the boards myself. It has been wonderful to hear people who are are experiencing the same thing I am going through.

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Old 02-11-2009, 04:46 AM
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I so easily forget how it feels when they drink. He keeps telling me that if I dwell in the past we will never recover.

This has also been an issue for me, I think because my AH is a binge drinker -- there was usually periods of weeks in between which was plenty of time for me to forgive and forget. I have learned that fogiveness is one thing. Forgetting is a little different.

My AH would also 'avoid' talking about his indiscretions (it's over, it's in the past, why dwell on it) I think so he could bury his shame from them and make it easier for HIM TO FORGET the consequences of the behaviour.

For me, after years of empty promises and many declarations of his problem, I've simply had enough. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that no matter what, I will never regain my trust in him. There is just too much water under the bridge.

I agree with what everyone is saying in their posts. That his actions will be your barometer. When you say you are worried he will leave you if you stay in the States for longer than planned, I would ask myself....'is this possible or probably'. Possible, sure....probable ?

Enjoy your trip, do what you need to do. Let him own his recovery while you own yours. After all, we can only control ourselves.

Be gentle with you and take care

Laurie
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by isabelleT View Post
We were planning a trip back to the US for a couple weeks in the end of February and I would like to stay past when we planned on coming back home. He thinks I am not supporting him during his intense time of need. I don't know what to do. He's never committed like this before. I have tried to explain to him that I need time for myself.
Welcome isabelleT, I am new here too and getting lots of great support! I hear my situation being echoed in yours - whether to believe my AH who is just 1 month+ into recovery. And although my AH hasn't really thrown 'forgetting the past' so we can recover at me, I hear this SO many times in this forum and it really gets under my skin. To me, it's their manipulation to try and get you to keep things status quo but they want to get away with whatever they've done, and to ease their guilt. I did, however, experience his pathetic and sheepish apologies the day after a binge.

Regarding your support during an intense time of need - haven't you been there through the lies and manipulation? When he was out all night? Didn't seem to 'need' or appreciate any support at that time, and now, what does he expect? All of a sudden he's recovering and expects a lot from you, not appreciating or respecting that his behaviour has hurt you. Please do what you feel is necessary for you. From what I know about this disease, it's typical for them to do these things. Most times, A's are quite needy and feel their world will fall apart without you. That's a huge responsibility, isn't it? For someone else to burden? My AH is like a child. We are in separate bedrooms now and although I'm hesitant about his recovery, I have seen some baby steps in taking responsibility for himself.

My thoughts are, and please do what is right for you, that you DO NOT have to explain yourself for doing anything. When I moved AH into another bedroom, I simply told him that this is the way it is, based on him violating my boundaries with his drinking. Period. I'm sure that if you create a dialogue about this he can and will pull every guilt string to convince you otherwise. Best to you.
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Old 02-11-2009, 07:37 AM
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Welcome, Isabelle! Lots of great thoughts above me. You sound like you're doing the hard work on YOU, and while we can hope he'll do the hard work on HIM, there's no guarantees (as you sound like you know)

Living with alcoholism is really a process of day by day, week by week, month by month. There are no clear relationships such as "if he does X, he will succeed in his recovery; but if he does Y, he won't" I think we all wish there were a book like that.

As hard as it is, all you can do is continue your terrific journey of self-discovery, take time to really process and understand what's happened, focus on your own life's goals and dreams, and be as healthy and strong as you can.

hugs,
GL
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