What in the world am I thinking...........
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
What in the world am I thinking...........
As I have posted here, I am currently attempting to end my relationship with my AH of almost 20 years (together 27). Right now, we are sleeping on separate floors of our home. It is becoming unmanageable. I spend a lot of time at work after hours because I don't want to come home. My daughters are spending more and more time at friends because of the tension (16&18).
So last night, I didn't get home until about 9 to find my AH had began to pack (he has told me he is leaving March 1). There was an "anger" to his packing. Long story short, we ended up in a very heated argument. He ended up pushing me, something that has happened before but not often. He doesn't blow his top too often (more so in the past few months) but he sure did last night. I ended up leaving and staying somewhere else last night (can't do that a lot but the opportunity was there). He tried calling me on my cell all apologetic but I didn't answer. Up until this point, we have barely talked in the past two months -- only business when we do. I find it has been easier if I have no contact (= no emotional outbursts).
When I got to work today, there was a very long email pouring his heart out to me -- he does not do this very often. He talked of how difficult it all was -- packing everything we had built together -- the pictures etc etc. He went on to say that emailing was the only way for us to communicate right now. Well..........I didn't do what my first reaction was -- not respond.
I spent a great deal of time really reading what he had to say (which included a lot of talk about how finances etc would look upon our separation). I sent a very lengthy (you can imagine from my posts lol) response addressing everything he had to say and how everything made me feel as well. Boy, was that the wrong thing to do! He was so mad that I couldn't just listen to him -- he didn't ask for the "disection" of his letter yadayadayada. I spent the better part of my day at work dealing with this. He asked that if we could not be "respectful" to one another at home, then perhaps I could stay somewhere else until March 1 so he could enjoy our kids, our pets and our home until then.
Now I'm home, he is not (surprise) which is the main reason that I couldn't possibly stay elsewhere (the dogs would be busting a gut by now, among other things!!).
I wanted this-- I have asked him to leave. My questions are why, oh why can't I stay focussed on the terrible things that have gone on? Why oh why am I so scared of him leaving? Why would I want him to stay? I am so worried about so many things -- will I make it financially, who will look out for me (and he has), where will I end up living, why doesn't he love me? How could he do this to us? Will I EVER meet someone else? Who would want me? Why do I feel so great and powerful one day and so defeated the next? One day, I can certainly "talk the talk'. How can I make it through to "walk the walk"? How do you get through all of this?
We separated about four years ago when he was in pretty bad shape (after a dui). He begged me to stay, begged me to help him, never leave him. After four months apart, I took him back -- he had been to rehab, been sober for a period of time and was attending AA. Life looked rosy.
I regret the decision to let him back in but I felt so powerful and worthwhile when he was begging me to come home -- that's what I want now -- for him to be fighting for us. Not that it would make a difference but it would make me feel like I'm worth it. How sick is that? What am I thinking?
So last night, I didn't get home until about 9 to find my AH had began to pack (he has told me he is leaving March 1). There was an "anger" to his packing. Long story short, we ended up in a very heated argument. He ended up pushing me, something that has happened before but not often. He doesn't blow his top too often (more so in the past few months) but he sure did last night. I ended up leaving and staying somewhere else last night (can't do that a lot but the opportunity was there). He tried calling me on my cell all apologetic but I didn't answer. Up until this point, we have barely talked in the past two months -- only business when we do. I find it has been easier if I have no contact (= no emotional outbursts).
When I got to work today, there was a very long email pouring his heart out to me -- he does not do this very often. He talked of how difficult it all was -- packing everything we had built together -- the pictures etc etc. He went on to say that emailing was the only way for us to communicate right now. Well..........I didn't do what my first reaction was -- not respond.
I spent a great deal of time really reading what he had to say (which included a lot of talk about how finances etc would look upon our separation). I sent a very lengthy (you can imagine from my posts lol) response addressing everything he had to say and how everything made me feel as well. Boy, was that the wrong thing to do! He was so mad that I couldn't just listen to him -- he didn't ask for the "disection" of his letter yadayadayada. I spent the better part of my day at work dealing with this. He asked that if we could not be "respectful" to one another at home, then perhaps I could stay somewhere else until March 1 so he could enjoy our kids, our pets and our home until then.
Now I'm home, he is not (surprise) which is the main reason that I couldn't possibly stay elsewhere (the dogs would be busting a gut by now, among other things!!).
I wanted this-- I have asked him to leave. My questions are why, oh why can't I stay focussed on the terrible things that have gone on? Why oh why am I so scared of him leaving? Why would I want him to stay? I am so worried about so many things -- will I make it financially, who will look out for me (and he has), where will I end up living, why doesn't he love me? How could he do this to us? Will I EVER meet someone else? Who would want me? Why do I feel so great and powerful one day and so defeated the next? One day, I can certainly "talk the talk'. How can I make it through to "walk the walk"? How do you get through all of this?
We separated about four years ago when he was in pretty bad shape (after a dui). He begged me to stay, begged me to help him, never leave him. After four months apart, I took him back -- he had been to rehab, been sober for a period of time and was attending AA. Life looked rosy.
I regret the decision to let him back in but I felt so powerful and worthwhile when he was begging me to come home -- that's what I want now -- for him to be fighting for us. Not that it would make a difference but it would make me feel like I'm worth it. How sick is that? What am I thinking?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anais Nin
I like your signature!
The days when you are walking strong with confidence will hopefully multiply.
Can I ask how you felt last night when you stayed out of your home? Did you find yourself able to relax a little more than when you are at home with the tension? I know I did this past weekend. Maybe you can focus on the good things your future will hold for you and your girls. Less tension, love and affection, peacefullness.
May you find peace tonight!
I like your signature!
The days when you are walking strong with confidence will hopefully multiply.
Can I ask how you felt last night when you stayed out of your home? Did you find yourself able to relax a little more than when you are at home with the tension? I know I did this past weekend. Maybe you can focus on the good things your future will hold for you and your girls. Less tension, love and affection, peacefullness.
May you find peace tonight!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by timetogo 
I wanted this-- I have asked him to leave. My questions are why, oh why can't I stay focussed on the terrible things that have gone on? Why oh why am I so scared of him leaving? Why would I want him to stay? I am so worried about so many things -- will I make it financially, who will look out for me (and he has), where will I end up living, why doesn't he love me? How could he do this to us? Will I EVER meet someone else? Who would want me? Why do I feel so great and powerful one day and so defeated the next? One day, I can certainly "talk the talk'. How can I make it through to "walk the walk"? How do you get through all of this?
I am curious to hear others responses because many of your questions are things I am wondering about as well.
Good luck to you, Timetogo.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
Originally Posted by timetogo
that's what I want now -- for him to be fighting for us. Not that it would make a difference but it would make me feel like I'm worth it.
Cause I am here to say: You are worthy of love. And lots of hard work.
It is very painful to love someone who is incapable of returning that emotion in a way that speaks to your heart and nourishes you. I try to remember that one person's incapacity or inability is not an indication that I am unworthy.
Doesn't matter what he says or what he does.
You are a beautiful, bright, cherished individual.
I'm sorry that you're hurting tonight, timetogo.
-TC
Life is what you make of it
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
Timetogo :ghug3
Change is scary.
You are worth being loved, respected, and appreciated. He just doesn't see this, but many sober, sane, wonderful people here see this in you... Keep yourself focused on the end results, as people say on here you NEED to go through the pain to get to the "other side"...
I'm hoping you find peace and clarity tonight....((((Timetogo))))
Change is scary.
You are worth being loved, respected, and appreciated. He just doesn't see this, but many sober, sane, wonderful people here see this in you... Keep yourself focused on the end results, as people say on here you NEED to go through the pain to get to the "other side"...
I'm hoping you find peace and clarity tonight....((((Timetogo))))
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thank you so much to all who read my long long post and responded -- I'm so grateful that I found this site and all the wisdom and courage that I seem to be able to gather here. It has truly been a life saving and sanity keeping place. I wish I had found it years ago.
"Can I ask how you felt last night when you stayed out of your home? Did you find yourself able to relax a little more than when you are at home with the tension?"
Pelican, Compared to what I left, the scary anger (thank goodness my girls were out) it was heaven. I have opportunity to be alone a lot lately (I don't know where he is half the time and like I said, my girls are teenagers so are never home!) and it has been lovely, peaceful, scary, painful and lonely all at the same time. How do we ever know that the decision we are making is the right one?
SillySquirrel -- my thoughts have been with you as well as I have been following your challenges -- I'm thinking of you tonight and wish you luck tomorrow. I, too, am feeling completely devestated as the date for his exit grows nearer. It is so very scary.
TC -- you always have wonderful replies, you seem to always know what to say and how to ask amazingly "challenging" questions lol. Your posts have helped me greatly.
and cycle lady -- thank you for your kind words -- I truly needed to hear that tonight.
thanks to all once again
"Can I ask how you felt last night when you stayed out of your home? Did you find yourself able to relax a little more than when you are at home with the tension?"
Pelican, Compared to what I left, the scary anger (thank goodness my girls were out) it was heaven. I have opportunity to be alone a lot lately (I don't know where he is half the time and like I said, my girls are teenagers so are never home!) and it has been lovely, peaceful, scary, painful and lonely all at the same time. How do we ever know that the decision we are making is the right one?
SillySquirrel -- my thoughts have been with you as well as I have been following your challenges -- I'm thinking of you tonight and wish you luck tomorrow. I, too, am feeling completely devestated as the date for his exit grows nearer. It is so very scary.
TC -- you always have wonderful replies, you seem to always know what to say and how to ask amazingly "challenging" questions lol. Your posts have helped me greatly.
and cycle lady -- thank you for your kind words -- I truly needed to hear that tonight.
thanks to all once again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by timetogo
How do we ever know that the decision we are making is the right one?
If you put sooooo much pressure on yourself to make perfect decisions all the time, it will paralyze you. Nothing is forever. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back, right? And, if he doesn't want you back, you can always find another abusive alcoholic. There seem to be plenty of them available......
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Timetogo, my heart goes out to you and what you are going through. I was exactly where you are now about 8 months ago. Your story sounds so similar. My AH and I had separated once before for a few months and I let him come back, which I later regretted. After being together 16 years, he finally said he would go and gave me a month's notice. Just before that he had pushed me on several occasions, something he had rarely ever done before so it came as quite a shock to both of us, I think.
The month leading up to his leaving was not easy..... I was going through all the conflicted thinking that you are... wanting him to go, not wanting him to go, feeling like I didn't know how I would make it without his financial and emotional support, because he was good in those areas. I wanted him to change his mind, fight for me and swear his undying love. I felt like how could I start over again and who would want me anyway? I knew I couldn't live with the drinking and behaviour but I didn't know how I could live without him. It was heart-wrenching because we both knew the day was coming and the last week or so was almost like a honey-moon phase all over again. And then he left and he went a long ways away.
I won't lie and say it's been easy; it has not. Yes, I feel the peace from not having all that drama in my life. I do feel lonely and I miss him, not the drinking but it does get a little easier as time goes on. You can't spend that many years with someone, drinking or no drinking and not feel the loss. My suggestion would be to get a good counsellor, preferably someone who specializes in alcohol & drug counselling for the family, go to Alanon if you aren't already, and ask your good friends for support - they literally have been life-savers. Also, the loving kind words I've found here on this Forum have helped me so much.
You definitely are worthy and loveable just as you are and deserve so much more.
Blessings,
I won't lie to you
The month leading up to his leaving was not easy..... I was going through all the conflicted thinking that you are... wanting him to go, not wanting him to go, feeling like I didn't know how I would make it without his financial and emotional support, because he was good in those areas. I wanted him to change his mind, fight for me and swear his undying love. I felt like how could I start over again and who would want me anyway? I knew I couldn't live with the drinking and behaviour but I didn't know how I could live without him. It was heart-wrenching because we both knew the day was coming and the last week or so was almost like a honey-moon phase all over again. And then he left and he went a long ways away.
I won't lie and say it's been easy; it has not. Yes, I feel the peace from not having all that drama in my life. I do feel lonely and I miss him, not the drinking but it does get a little easier as time goes on. You can't spend that many years with someone, drinking or no drinking and not feel the loss. My suggestion would be to get a good counsellor, preferably someone who specializes in alcohol & drug counselling for the family, go to Alanon if you aren't already, and ask your good friends for support - they literally have been life-savers. Also, the loving kind words I've found here on this Forum have helped me so much.
You definitely are worthy and loveable just as you are and deserve so much more.
Blessings,
I won't lie to you
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Hey timetogo,
I came on tonight and i just wanted to read but I couldn't let this post just pass me by.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. :-(
I understand what it is like to live in the same house and await the move out and/or divorce. This is my situation presently too, and weekends are the roughest.
From one perspective I can't wait till me and AH are not in the same house and i can be free to live as a single woman. The consequence to being married to an AH means I have lived the kind of marriage that brings such consequences about but soon i will be free of this marriage. I hate the feelings that arise when I even say that but in the depths of my spirit i love the honestly, one being that I will be free of a marriage that is only a legal one now.
On the other hand I am sad for AH as I know the consequences he is going to suffer beyond what he is already suffering. After years of hard work and paying the bills he is going to be out of his home and all that entitles. I hate to see it happen to him because i love and care about him. However, when those feeling are strong I know they are not about me not walking strong and not staying focused. i know they are not about forgetting all the bad with AH, mainly neglecting our marriage and partnership . They are actual feelings of love , concern and loss.
So what I do to remain focused is remind myself of what I know has been decided in my heart already, that they are not feelings of a wife who has caring and romantic feeling for a husband.( as he has not fulfilled the spirit of one for a long time) They are feelings of a caring human being who has had a relationship with this man for 22 years. These feelings are more for a relative , like a brother or child or only a friend. They are normal feelings as there is actual love, concern and loss surrounding even this present relationship I have with him. But i must move forward as he isn't my brother, child or just a friend, he is my husband. These feelings of love are no longer feelings of the natural kind shared between a husband and wife. They are just the feelings of a caring human being who hates the reality of the pain another human is and will have to go through.
I would imagine this would be a lot harder for those who still have a romantic love for their spouse. However, some of the same truths still apply,that such feelings come from being a caring human being. The question is how do we understand the feelings when we have them and then what do we do with them. The question isn't that we have feelings of care.
love tammy
I came on tonight and i just wanted to read but I couldn't let this post just pass me by.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. :-(
I understand what it is like to live in the same house and await the move out and/or divorce. This is my situation presently too, and weekends are the roughest.
From one perspective I can't wait till me and AH are not in the same house and i can be free to live as a single woman. The consequence to being married to an AH means I have lived the kind of marriage that brings such consequences about but soon i will be free of this marriage. I hate the feelings that arise when I even say that but in the depths of my spirit i love the honestly, one being that I will be free of a marriage that is only a legal one now.
On the other hand I am sad for AH as I know the consequences he is going to suffer beyond what he is already suffering. After years of hard work and paying the bills he is going to be out of his home and all that entitles. I hate to see it happen to him because i love and care about him. However, when those feeling are strong I know they are not about me not walking strong and not staying focused. i know they are not about forgetting all the bad with AH, mainly neglecting our marriage and partnership . They are actual feelings of love , concern and loss.
So what I do to remain focused is remind myself of what I know has been decided in my heart already, that they are not feelings of a wife who has caring and romantic feeling for a husband.( as he has not fulfilled the spirit of one for a long time) They are feelings of a caring human being who has had a relationship with this man for 22 years. These feelings are more for a relative , like a brother or child or only a friend. They are normal feelings as there is actual love, concern and loss surrounding even this present relationship I have with him. But i must move forward as he isn't my brother, child or just a friend, he is my husband. These feelings of love are no longer feelings of the natural kind shared between a husband and wife. They are just the feelings of a caring human being who hates the reality of the pain another human is and will have to go through.
I would imagine this would be a lot harder for those who still have a romantic love for their spouse. However, some of the same truths still apply,that such feelings come from being a caring human being. The question is how do we understand the feelings when we have them and then what do we do with them. The question isn't that we have feelings of care.
love tammy
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I have been out for about a month now and let me tell you.....
Not having a front row seat to the alcoholism is amazing!
It was hard at first......It took everything in me not to go back that first day. I just had to keep telling myself over and over again....that he is not well....this is where I need to be....
Not having a front row seat to the alcoholism is amazing!
It was hard at first......It took everything in me not to go back that first day. I just had to keep telling myself over and over again....that he is not well....this is where I need to be....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 14
So what I do to remain focused is remind myself of what I know has been decided in my heart already, that they are not feelings of a wife who has caring and romantic feeling for a husband.( as he has not fulfilled the spirit of one for a long time) They are feelings of a caring human being who has had a relationship with this man for 22 years. These feelings are more for a relative , like a brother or child or only a friend.
Wow! This is incredible insight, I have been questioning my feelings for my AH, wondering why I cared and felt so bad for him, even while hurting and being angry at him for all I've had to go through with him & his vodka. I have feelings of a caring human being! I've hated that I had feelings for him at all, but now I see I am actually normal!
Thanks from the bottom of my heart - I'm writing that in my journal and will reflect on that, wow again!
Wow! This is incredible insight, I have been questioning my feelings for my AH, wondering why I cared and felt so bad for him, even while hurting and being angry at him for all I've had to go through with him & his vodka. I have feelings of a caring human being! I've hated that I had feelings for him at all, but now I see I am actually normal!
Thanks from the bottom of my heart - I'm writing that in my journal and will reflect on that, wow again!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I wish I had some advice that would make sense out of everything, but unfortunately I don't.
I'm in a situation similiar to yours, we could almost mirror each other on many things. I have and am faced with the same questions as you.
I'm out of the life I have in just a short time and while I can see that it is a better choice, it doesn't make it an easier choice. We all met the person that we've chosen to spend our lives with based upon the information we were given. What none of us realized is how little we were being allowed to see.
I'm in a situation similiar to yours, we could almost mirror each other on many things. I have and am faced with the same questions as you.
I'm out of the life I have in just a short time and while I can see that it is a better choice, it doesn't make it an easier choice. We all met the person that we've chosen to spend our lives with based upon the information we were given. What none of us realized is how little we were being allowed to see.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Oh yea,
In what I call the '8 weeks of hell', which started right after i told him i was going to divorce him, he was going to push me one day because i wouldn't engage his "quaking" from the other room. My sons and i were in the kitchen actually enjoying ourselves preparing a weekend meal. The 3 teenage boys were there and saw him advance. This was not a past behavior but i wasn't surprised. Anyway 2 sons stepped between us, right in front of me, and middle son spoke to his father in controlled anger with a clear warning. The oldest had already stepped beside his father. They reacted so fast I didn't even have to think about doing or saying a thing.
I could see all the emotions on my husband face come through all at once. Surprise, embarrassment, and pride for his sons with some resentment mixed in. He didn't apologize, instead he said " No one will ever hurt you with your sons around. We know who they love more. You're good boys." Then he went to his room, emotionally distraught.
It was all very sad and am sad my sons had to witness that. But at the same time i was also very proud of my sons and how they handled it, especially my youngest as i would have myself thought he would have not so strongly reacted to what was happening. And I admit it, I could not help smiling at my sons when their father left the room. It was a sad day for our family but a proud moment for my sons because of how they handled the situation and themselves. The boys were focused on "protection" and gave me instructions and informed me on what their father better never do again. We continued to enjoy our day and I was mad at AH and also was sad for the new guilt and shame he brought upon himself that knew he wouldn't let go of.
I myself didn't say a word during or after because it was past the moment to act as a mother to protect them. It was their moment of discovery and my moment to allow them that.
Timetogo, thank God it was not me and my daughter(21) there instead. It would have been a whole different story. Neither of us would have remained passive either, but it would have ended up being a much worse situation all around.
So now I am sitting here thinking, the story of his emails and you questioning yourself in your post all came about from the after results of him pushing you. Have you given thought to this from that perspective yet?
In what I call the '8 weeks of hell', which started right after i told him i was going to divorce him, he was going to push me one day because i wouldn't engage his "quaking" from the other room. My sons and i were in the kitchen actually enjoying ourselves preparing a weekend meal. The 3 teenage boys were there and saw him advance. This was not a past behavior but i wasn't surprised. Anyway 2 sons stepped between us, right in front of me, and middle son spoke to his father in controlled anger with a clear warning. The oldest had already stepped beside his father. They reacted so fast I didn't even have to think about doing or saying a thing.
I could see all the emotions on my husband face come through all at once. Surprise, embarrassment, and pride for his sons with some resentment mixed in. He didn't apologize, instead he said " No one will ever hurt you with your sons around. We know who they love more. You're good boys." Then he went to his room, emotionally distraught.
It was all very sad and am sad my sons had to witness that. But at the same time i was also very proud of my sons and how they handled it, especially my youngest as i would have myself thought he would have not so strongly reacted to what was happening. And I admit it, I could not help smiling at my sons when their father left the room. It was a sad day for our family but a proud moment for my sons because of how they handled the situation and themselves. The boys were focused on "protection" and gave me instructions and informed me on what their father better never do again. We continued to enjoy our day and I was mad at AH and also was sad for the new guilt and shame he brought upon himself that knew he wouldn't let go of.
I myself didn't say a word during or after because it was past the moment to act as a mother to protect them. It was their moment of discovery and my moment to allow them that.
Timetogo, thank God it was not me and my daughter(21) there instead. It would have been a whole different story. Neither of us would have remained passive either, but it would have ended up being a much worse situation all around.
So now I am sitting here thinking, the story of his emails and you questioning yourself in your post all came about from the after results of him pushing you. Have you given thought to this from that perspective yet?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there timetogo, and sorry I'm late to your thread.
I never have. If I had that kind of crystal ball I'd be playing the lottery 
What I have learned in al-anon is that I make the _best_ decision I can with the information I have at the time. Once I make the best decision, I follow through with that decision into the future so that by faith and perseverance it _becomes_ the right decision.
Mike
Originally Posted by timetogo
.... How do we ever know that the decision we are making is the right one?...
What I have learned in al-anon is that I make the _best_ decision I can with the information I have at the time. Once I make the best decision, I follow through with that decision into the future so that by faith and perseverance it _becomes_ the right decision.
Mike
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, yet again. MeHandle, in answer to the question about the perspective I have after being pushed. No, I haven't really thought about that yet. And why is that? I think I really need to pull that apart and look at it for what it really means. It is especially distressing to me as I counsel women in a sexual assault centre and have come across physical violence as well (I'm about to present a workshop this morning on just that). It's bizarre to me that it is so difficult to apply what I know to my own situation. I truly do understand why women stay. Thank you for asking this poinient question.
I feel much better today. Am going to practice some boundaries and try to move forward with an "is what it is" attitude. It's so reassuring to know that everything I feel is shared by so many -- and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
LTD -- I certainly DO NOT want to find another abusive alcoholic -- thank you for helping me fine tune my radar to that possibility. I would rather be alone.
Again, thank you so much for providing me with pieces of your experiences, wisdom and courage. Just for today, I will be ok
I feel much better today. Am going to practice some boundaries and try to move forward with an "is what it is" attitude. It's so reassuring to know that everything I feel is shared by so many -- and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
LTD -- I certainly DO NOT want to find another abusive alcoholic -- thank you for helping me fine tune my radar to that possibility. I would rather be alone.
Again, thank you so much for providing me with pieces of your experiences, wisdom and courage. Just for today, I will be ok
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Try not to feel too down on yourself Timetogo. I, too, worked in a transition house for women and children fleeing abuse, often where alcohol or drugs were involved and I worked in a treatment centre for women. Imagine that? And yet I had an AH at home. Talk about feeling ashamed. I thought I should know better. But the truth is, it is one thing when it is happening to someone else - it's easy to support them. But when it's happening in your own life, it's much harder to get a clear perspective. The emotions are so involved. Just be gentle with yourself. Things will get better. I'm sending you positive energy to get through your day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
In finding this forum, it's really eye-opening to see the similarities in all the feelings, the ups and downs of dealing with this disease. I constantly see my feelings mirrored in all of you, even though the external circumstances are different. I felt the same with Al Anon. It really amazes me how despite continued hurts and abuse, we continue to teeter back and forth on staying, going, caring for ourselves vs. them etc. A few times I have felt like I want to ask him back into my bed and then check myself saying "what am I thinking? I'm not ready!" The unhealthiness of these thought patterns is what I'm trying to break free from - but they are so persistent! Timetogo, I think the best advice here is to stop your thoughts when your mind wanders and re-focus on you. There is plenty of life out there despite our terrible feelings that there may not be. There is at least some peace and serenity and that alone is worth it.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
thank you again to all of you -- today was a great day -- I went to work, I focussed on tasks at hand, I kept my distractions at bay and I didn't check my email (if I did and there was one from him, I vowed I would not read it until such a time that I wasn't at work and could deal with it on my "own time"). I no longer want to listen to the quacking -- now, that being said, I know that there are "bad days a comin" but I am beginning to trust in myself that I will make it ok. It was great to have the boundaries and truthfully, I didn't think about it much today. It was a good day! I truly believe it is largely in part to the esh I receive here each day. Thank you thank you!
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