1st Alanon mtg, and asked AH to leave last night
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
1st Alanon mtg, and asked AH to leave last night
Big night in the little city.
Hi all! I haven't been active on the forums lately, but have been reading this section regularly. I am married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I have been sober since August 08, he has not.
I have been reading a lot of self help books, Melody Beattie, Under the Influence, Beyond the Influence and now "You can Heal Your Life". They have been helpful. I have learned to establish healthy boundaries and to stand by my decisions. It has helped me to maintain some sanity and grow stronger each day. After a bad week, I decided I need more f2f help from others who have been there, done that. I was debating last night if I should go. My decisions for going to Alanon last night were: I need to find a place for us if he refuses to leave as my resources haven't panned out, and I need contact names of lawyers, social workers, and also more information on dealing with his mental instability.
About my last week. One of my boundaries while living with an active drinker (who has cut back) is that I will not tolerate drunk in our home. Keep your drunk a** at your friends, don't drive home drunk, and if you do-sleep on the couch. Super bowl Sunday, I worked, kids stayed home and he went to a party. Drove himself home drunk and came in slurring his words. Wanted to know if I liked the Shilli he left for our dinner (I had to tell him it was his turn to cook since he had the day off and I worked). I had the couch made up for him when he got home from the party. Monday morning, he thinks life is grand and never says a word.
However, I start to complete me awakening that this cycle of repeated drunken weekends (at least once a month) is not what I want for my future. The lies are getting more frequent to cover up drinking and secret finances that afford premium alcohol and cigs, while I continue to bail us out financially with what is left of my savings. The lack of emotional, financial, and physical support has become too much. My needs are not being met.
My current job. I am overdue for a raise and was told it would be months before I would get one. My hours have been cut, because of the slow economy. I felt like I was drowning. I began to look for openings else where. I found a job opening in a major city, 5 hours away. I applied and AH faxed my resume for me. I got a call 5 minutes later. AH's job is in sales and he has not been making squat. He was supportive of me looking for a job, but wanted to know why I chose something so far from the beach, since I know he likes to spend his days off with a cooler by the waves?! I told him I needed to be close to a support system for myself and my children. My ex would be 1 hour away, and my brother and his family would be 2.5 hours away instead of the current 4 and 6 hours. AH assumes he will find a job when I land one and he will move with me. I have not been having the same vision.
I scheduled the interview for my day off (5th) and made plans with ex to stay overnight. Interview went great! I will hear more later this week about pay and time frame for employment. I will seek a counter offer from current employer. We got home at midnight that night. AH was throw up drunk! He was worshipping at the porcelain god when I came in with my bags.
I slept on an air mattress with my oldest daughter who came for a weekend visit. I stayed,worked the 6th and came home that night from work. Daughter slept on the couch as the floor was too cold, and I slept in my bed. I was furious with myself. I had told him I would leave if I hadn't had my daughter visiting looking forward to spending time with me for the weekend. Since I was off Sat and Sun, I decided I could leave after all. So my children and I packed our bags. Friends were not able to accomodate myself, and three adult size children. I negotiated a deal with a hotel for a suite and there we stayed. We enjoyed our time together! I was able to relax and not worry about what was his mood going to be like, was he going to be angry, happy, etc...
He made one effort to contact me Sat night, and that was it. I realize this is turning into a novella. (ineed to journal some events of the past few weeks, but have not had the time. So this is my journal entry for today)
The Alanon meeting was as expected. I was given some pamphlets, and participated in the readings. I did not offer any victories or challenges. My work schedule will require me to make different meetings each week If I want to attend on a regular basis. I will try to attend more meetings before I decide if it is what I need.
Last night, AH was content. Everyone was home, big tv was working and recording all his fav shows, time to relax. I hit the pause button and we had a chat. He is non-confrontational. I can say what I need and he will be a smart a** or say nothing. That is how it went. He refused to leave, he offered to quit drinking if I would stay, he refused to give me paperwork I requested, etc.. Then he realized I was serious, and was going to leave. He agreed that it would be less hassle for him to leave than have me pack up three people and leave. So he has agreed to find a place temporarily.
And here I am. Relieved but on edge.
Hi all! I haven't been active on the forums lately, but have been reading this section regularly. I am married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I have been sober since August 08, he has not.
I have been reading a lot of self help books, Melody Beattie, Under the Influence, Beyond the Influence and now "You can Heal Your Life". They have been helpful. I have learned to establish healthy boundaries and to stand by my decisions. It has helped me to maintain some sanity and grow stronger each day. After a bad week, I decided I need more f2f help from others who have been there, done that. I was debating last night if I should go. My decisions for going to Alanon last night were: I need to find a place for us if he refuses to leave as my resources haven't panned out, and I need contact names of lawyers, social workers, and also more information on dealing with his mental instability.
About my last week. One of my boundaries while living with an active drinker (who has cut back) is that I will not tolerate drunk in our home. Keep your drunk a** at your friends, don't drive home drunk, and if you do-sleep on the couch. Super bowl Sunday, I worked, kids stayed home and he went to a party. Drove himself home drunk and came in slurring his words. Wanted to know if I liked the Shilli he left for our dinner (I had to tell him it was his turn to cook since he had the day off and I worked). I had the couch made up for him when he got home from the party. Monday morning, he thinks life is grand and never says a word.
However, I start to complete me awakening that this cycle of repeated drunken weekends (at least once a month) is not what I want for my future. The lies are getting more frequent to cover up drinking and secret finances that afford premium alcohol and cigs, while I continue to bail us out financially with what is left of my savings. The lack of emotional, financial, and physical support has become too much. My needs are not being met.
My current job. I am overdue for a raise and was told it would be months before I would get one. My hours have been cut, because of the slow economy. I felt like I was drowning. I began to look for openings else where. I found a job opening in a major city, 5 hours away. I applied and AH faxed my resume for me. I got a call 5 minutes later. AH's job is in sales and he has not been making squat. He was supportive of me looking for a job, but wanted to know why I chose something so far from the beach, since I know he likes to spend his days off with a cooler by the waves?! I told him I needed to be close to a support system for myself and my children. My ex would be 1 hour away, and my brother and his family would be 2.5 hours away instead of the current 4 and 6 hours. AH assumes he will find a job when I land one and he will move with me. I have not been having the same vision.
I scheduled the interview for my day off (5th) and made plans with ex to stay overnight. Interview went great! I will hear more later this week about pay and time frame for employment. I will seek a counter offer from current employer. We got home at midnight that night. AH was throw up drunk! He was worshipping at the porcelain god when I came in with my bags.
I slept on an air mattress with my oldest daughter who came for a weekend visit. I stayed,worked the 6th and came home that night from work. Daughter slept on the couch as the floor was too cold, and I slept in my bed. I was furious with myself. I had told him I would leave if I hadn't had my daughter visiting looking forward to spending time with me for the weekend. Since I was off Sat and Sun, I decided I could leave after all. So my children and I packed our bags. Friends were not able to accomodate myself, and three adult size children. I negotiated a deal with a hotel for a suite and there we stayed. We enjoyed our time together! I was able to relax and not worry about what was his mood going to be like, was he going to be angry, happy, etc...
He made one effort to contact me Sat night, and that was it. I realize this is turning into a novella. (ineed to journal some events of the past few weeks, but have not had the time. So this is my journal entry for today)
The Alanon meeting was as expected. I was given some pamphlets, and participated in the readings. I did not offer any victories or challenges. My work schedule will require me to make different meetings each week If I want to attend on a regular basis. I will try to attend more meetings before I decide if it is what I need.
Last night, AH was content. Everyone was home, big tv was working and recording all his fav shows, time to relax. I hit the pause button and we had a chat. He is non-confrontational. I can say what I need and he will be a smart a** or say nothing. That is how it went. He refused to leave, he offered to quit drinking if I would stay, he refused to give me paperwork I requested, etc.. Then he realized I was serious, and was going to leave. He agreed that it would be less hassle for him to leave than have me pack up three people and leave. So he has agreed to find a place temporarily.
And here I am. Relieved but on edge.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
It looks like things are headed in the right direction.
Hopefully he will stay away! Good luck on the new job! I hope you get it
Keep posting and keep going to meetings they are wonderful!!!
Hopefully he will stay away! Good luck on the new job! I hope you get it
Keep posting and keep going to meetings they are wonderful!!!
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you for the support.
He is here now. He said he was unable to find anything today. Maybe tomorrow, he says.
I just inflated the air mattress onto the living room floor. I'll be sleeping there. I will make some calls tomorrow and keep looking for a place for the children and myself to stay.
I surprised us both yesterday when he asked me if I would stay if he quit drinking all together, and I said I would still go. In the past, I thought that would be enough. I would still like to see him sober. I think it would benefit him with his relationships at home and work. However, the problems in this marriage are more than just picking up. The lies, the lack of trust, the anger, the lack of support, all won't go away just because he quits drinking.
He is here now. He said he was unable to find anything today. Maybe tomorrow, he says.
I just inflated the air mattress onto the living room floor. I'll be sleeping there. I will make some calls tomorrow and keep looking for a place for the children and myself to stay.
I surprised us both yesterday when he asked me if I would stay if he quit drinking all together, and I said I would still go. In the past, I thought that would be enough. I would still like to see him sober. I think it would benefit him with his relationships at home and work. However, the problems in this marriage are more than just picking up. The lies, the lack of trust, the anger, the lack of support, all won't go away just because he quits drinking.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
you are so right.
I had a feeling he might come back. That is what my AH always did. So I had to find a place for the kids and myself eventhough it was hard. You can do it!
Sometimes when the A's in our life feel us pulling away they try to throw their best stuff out there to keep us from going.
He can still quit drinking if you leave he can even recover. You staying or going doesn't change that.
I had a feeling he might come back. That is what my AH always did. So I had to find a place for the kids and myself eventhough it was hard. You can do it!
Sometimes when the A's in our life feel us pulling away they try to throw their best stuff out there to keep us from going.
He can still quit drinking if you leave he can even recover. You staying or going doesn't change that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: virginia beach, va
Posts: 29
Hi Trina, I am glad you went to your first Al-Anon meeting. I'm a long, longtime Al-Anon members who has lived and attended Al-Anon in four states. From my own observation , I have seen that it is not always an easy decision for A.A.s to come to Al-Anon. Hard to start at "ground zero" in another program. So, I hope you will continue to come to Al-Anon and that it will bring you help, hope, and healing as well as to help you discover and redefine yourself and your spiritual growth.
Al-Anon has a "Just for Today" card which reminds members not to make decisions in haste or anger. When I do, I need to be prepared to live with the consequences of my actions. Time takes time. My marriage, job, and money problems didn't happen overnight and neither will my recovery.
What helped me with establishing healthy boundaries was a little saying in Al-Anon, "Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean" and to stop threatening or issuing ultimatums to the alcoholic. When I did that, my communication became more direct and I got the focus on myself and what I needed to take care of myself. The only expectations I had of the alcoholic was to act like a person with a drinking problem and to recognize that as long as he was not in a recovery program, he wasn't in recovery.
Anyhow, keep coming back. Each time I went to an Al-Anon meeting, I grabbed a new piece of literature. Daily readers are a lifesaver. I tend to read Courage to Change more than the One Day at a Time (ODAT) but the ODAT was all there was when I came in. So, it is like an old friend. Hope for Today is for adult children of alcoholics and it has a lot of straight, "how the cow ate the cabbage" sharings.
Al-Anon is a different program from A.A. We have a slightly different spin on the Steps. It took me awhile to see that as when I started Al-Anon, we didn't even have our own 4th Step inventory guide or 12 and 12.
Anyhow, keep coming back and easy does it on the major decisions unless you feel your safety is threatened.
Al-Anon has a "Just for Today" card which reminds members not to make decisions in haste or anger. When I do, I need to be prepared to live with the consequences of my actions. Time takes time. My marriage, job, and money problems didn't happen overnight and neither will my recovery.
What helped me with establishing healthy boundaries was a little saying in Al-Anon, "Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean" and to stop threatening or issuing ultimatums to the alcoholic. When I did that, my communication became more direct and I got the focus on myself and what I needed to take care of myself. The only expectations I had of the alcoholic was to act like a person with a drinking problem and to recognize that as long as he was not in a recovery program, he wasn't in recovery.
Anyhow, keep coming back. Each time I went to an Al-Anon meeting, I grabbed a new piece of literature. Daily readers are a lifesaver. I tend to read Courage to Change more than the One Day at a Time (ODAT) but the ODAT was all there was when I came in. So, it is like an old friend. Hope for Today is for adult children of alcoholics and it has a lot of straight, "how the cow ate the cabbage" sharings.
Al-Anon is a different program from A.A. We have a slightly different spin on the Steps. It took me awhile to see that as when I started Al-Anon, we didn't even have our own 4th Step inventory guide or 12 and 12.
Anyhow, keep coming back and easy does it on the major decisions unless you feel your safety is threatened.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I too have just started reaching out.
Slightly odd but your post made me smile. I have spent the best part of a year on an airbed in the living room: having just read your post and another one from a member who has also know the 'joys' of a draughty floor and a creaky airbed it made me smile at the ridiculousness of where I am.
They said they ask if you can try to come to Al-anon for 6 weeks before you decided whether it is your thing. I'm going to do that. I hope you do too.
Slightly odd but your post made me smile. I have spent the best part of a year on an airbed in the living room: having just read your post and another one from a member who has also know the 'joys' of a draughty floor and a creaky airbed it made me smile at the ridiculousness of where I am.
They said they ask if you can try to come to Al-anon for 6 weeks before you decided whether it is your thing. I'm going to do that. I hope you do too.
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by sandladyvb 
Al-Anon has a "Just for Today" card which reminds members not to make decisions in haste or anger. When I do, I need to be prepared to live with the consequences of my actions. Time takes time.
I did get that card at the meeting I attended. Thank you for expanding on that theme.
What helped me with establishing healthy boundaries was a little saying in Al-Anon, "Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean" and to stop threatening or issuing ultimatums to the alcoholic.
I have realized it is silly to question an alcoholic, argue with an alcoholic, and expect reasonable behavior from an alcoholic.
The only expectations I had of the alcoholic was to act like a person with a drinking problem and to recognize that as long as he was not in a recovery program, he wasn't in recovery.
Sober is not the same as recovering. I don't want to spend my life with a dry drunk!Anyhow, keep coming back. Each time I went to an Al-Anon meeting, I grabbed a new piece of literature. Daily readers are a lifesaver. I tend to read Courage to Change more than the One Day at a Time (ODAT) but the ODAT was all there was when I came in. So, it is like an old friend. Hope for Today is for adult children of alcoholics and it has a lot of straight, "how the cow ate the cabbage" sharings.
Thanks for sharing the difference in the books. We read out of both books, but I did not understand which one I should try to obtain first.
.
Thank you for taking the time to post and spell it all out for me!
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