How can his life be so great?
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
How can his life be so great?
I'm having a bit of a rough day today, guys. I have a myspace, and recently found out that xabf has one, too. Now, mind you, Chris knows NOTHING about computers, I had to show him how to navigate to even file for his unemployment online. So anyway, his little sister is a friend on my myspace, so I noticed that he now has a myspace. When we were together, he was always bothered by my myspace and said I had it to meet guys, etc. Always wanted me to delete it, and if I would get on there he would say things like "Did your boyfriend e-mail you?" or "I'm gonna get one of those" (to which I replied "ok, fine, no big deal."
So, it's possible he did this just to get to me...which is apparently working. I try not to check it, but just can't help myself. So today, when I go on there, his mood is "confident", and it says that he is enjoying his life and learning himself again. How can he be so great and happy now when I am hurting so much, and struggling with my recovery, trying to piece my life back together...he is drinking, doing drugs, has no responsibilities, and even has a warrant for not paying his child support...and he is confident? And enjoying life? I wasn't a bad woman to him, I was good to him (or tried to be), and he was never happy. I never tried to keep Chris from being himself, I only wouldn't tolerate the drinking and all the behaviors that go along with that.
I know it's my fault for checking it...but just seeing how great he seems to be bothers me so much.
Oh, and just an update on ME...I am doing fairly well. I went to see a therapist yesterday. She is a licensed psychologist at a Substance Abuse Center. This woman said she doesn't like the word "codependent" and said she doesn't think I am one. Even though I was completely honest and candid and told her I am addicted to Chris. She said she thinks I'm doing good and needs a "mentor" so to speak, but that in her opinion I don't need therapy.
:wtf2
I just really feel off kilter today.
So, it's possible he did this just to get to me...which is apparently working. I try not to check it, but just can't help myself. So today, when I go on there, his mood is "confident", and it says that he is enjoying his life and learning himself again. How can he be so great and happy now when I am hurting so much, and struggling with my recovery, trying to piece my life back together...he is drinking, doing drugs, has no responsibilities, and even has a warrant for not paying his child support...and he is confident? And enjoying life? I wasn't a bad woman to him, I was good to him (or tried to be), and he was never happy. I never tried to keep Chris from being himself, I only wouldn't tolerate the drinking and all the behaviors that go along with that.
I know it's my fault for checking it...but just seeing how great he seems to be bothers me so much.
Oh, and just an update on ME...I am doing fairly well. I went to see a therapist yesterday. She is a licensed psychologist at a Substance Abuse Center. This woman said she doesn't like the word "codependent" and said she doesn't think I am one. Even though I was completely honest and candid and told her I am addicted to Chris. She said she thinks I'm doing good and needs a "mentor" so to speak, but that in her opinion I don't need therapy.
:wtf2
I just really feel off kilter today.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((so determined))
kudos to you for seeking help - for taking care of you -
as far as his "myspace" page - remember that "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true"
HUGS to you,
Rita
kudos to you for seeking help - for taking care of you -
as far as his "myspace" page - remember that "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true"
HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by sodetermined 
I know it's my fault for checking it...but just seeing how great he seems to be bothers me so much.
Oh, and just an update on ME...I am doing fairly well. I went to see a therapist yesterday. She is a licensed psychologist at a Substance Abuse Center. This woman said she doesn't like the word "codependent" and said she doesn't think I am one. Even though I was completely honest and candid and told her I am addicted to Chris. She said she thinks I'm doing good and needs a "mentor" so to speak, but that in her opinion I don't need therapy.
:wtf2
I just really feel off kilter today.
Your Therapist is married to a practicing Alcoholic.
She needs therapy.
Bad therapists are the worst.
Keep Shopping.
Take care of yourself and remember why you changed your name, and what you changed it to.
Try some F2F meetings, I find that talking to people that actually know what they are talking about is refreshing and validating.
Hang in there, we are there for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Hey hey,
Hhhhmm hard one hey - it's SO human to want to check. Many would say you should not have, but maybe that was just what you needed - not the pain but to help yourself move on. Am I making sense? Maybe he did it like you say just to get to you....saying he's confident and all. Sounds like he did that just for your eyes, like he wanted you to know he's 'confident'
Life has a funny way of serving justice - what comes around goes around. Your best thing would be to try and not think about it too much. I myself am a over-thinker and upset myself terribly over even the smallest of things! Don't get stuck on HIS life, get stuck on YOURS - you deserve happiness too!!
Good luck! Let us know how it goes....
Hhhhmm hard one hey - it's SO human to want to check. Many would say you should not have, but maybe that was just what you needed - not the pain but to help yourself move on. Am I making sense? Maybe he did it like you say just to get to you....saying he's confident and all. Sounds like he did that just for your eyes, like he wanted you to know he's 'confident'
Life has a funny way of serving justice - what comes around goes around. Your best thing would be to try and not think about it too much. I myself am a over-thinker and upset myself terribly over even the smallest of things! Don't get stuck on HIS life, get stuck on YOURS - you deserve happiness too!!
Good luck! Let us know how it goes....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Two things-first of all, quit comparing your insides to his outsides. You couldn't be more unfair to yourself if you tried. Also, as you said, it was your choice to check his myspace page. If you enjoy the pain, then keep checking it. I didn't change old behaviors until I was tired of hurting.
Secondly, find a new therapist. Seriously.
Secondly, find a new therapist. Seriously.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
So, it's possible he did this just to get to me...which is apparently working. I try not to check it, but just can't help myself.
And second, hon, as long as any of us says "...but I just can't help myself" we are in a world of trouble. I'd stop drinking but I just can't help myself. I'd stop having sex with men I pick up in bars, but I just can't help myself. I'm a compulsive eater, but I just can't help myself. That single statement is a recipe for an endless litany of disasters.
Help yourself.
And as for a therapist who could listen to your story and decide you won't benefit from therapy? She should lose her license. You're addicted to a damaging relationship and take masochistic actions like compulsively checking his MySpace - you took the man back several times after he did horrible things - you're still obsessed with him. Who in the hell IS this woman? And why do YOU need someone who works in Substance Abuse? Chris is the substance abuser, not you. Is this therapy about you or about him?
What you won't benefit from is HER.
I wish you luck, girl. You're making strides but still causing yourself a lot of pain.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Oh, how I love this place and the people here. Well, I feel a little more balanced, still hurting, but more balanced.
I just have to learn not to check it, otherwise I'll probably be seeing pictures of them posted or something like that. No contact = NO CONTACT...at all.
I called around to try and find a therapist that would be familiar with codependency issues, because I have been to therapists before that just sit there and look at me and say "wow, so you had a rough childhood". I thought since she worked for a substance abuse center that she would be familiar with codependency issues, but obviously not the case here. I will keep shopping around.
I just have to learn not to check it, otherwise I'll probably be seeing pictures of them posted or something like that. No contact = NO CONTACT...at all.
I called around to try and find a therapist that would be familiar with codependency issues, because I have been to therapists before that just sit there and look at me and say "wow, so you had a rough childhood". I thought since she worked for a substance abuse center that she would be familiar with codependency issues, but obviously not the case here. I will keep shopping around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If I went by what xAH tells the rest of the world, I would wonder if was was regularly hallucinating. He tells people what he wants people to believe, what he likes to pretend his life really is.
As Japioc said, Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true
As Japioc said, Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
So is he single now and looking to replace you?
I ask this because it sounds like he is casting a rather shiny, self aware, and sensitive dangly thingy in the waters of Myspace to see if he can nab another soon-to-be codependent little fishy.
Like he's going to advertise the real him. If he had done so in the first place would you have even given the worm a second look.
Even the most basic of creatures finds dangly shiny things attractive and alluring. Very few find worms that sexy.
Just my thought.
I ask this because it sounds like he is casting a rather shiny, self aware, and sensitive dangly thingy in the waters of Myspace to see if he can nab another soon-to-be codependent little fishy.
Like he's going to advertise the real him. If he had done so in the first place would you have even given the worm a second look.
Even the most basic of creatures finds dangly shiny things attractive and alluring. Very few find worms that sexy.
Just my thought.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
You are being so strong. i have ( i almost said HAD but lord knows that aint true) a SERIOUS problem with checking my XABF. listen, you are in a good place now. the ball of obsession gets WORSE when you feed it. It is a PAINFUL cycle when it gets bigger and more out of control. trust me, i know. I know because i feed the painful ball constantly when checking it. youve got to exterminate the obsession/the addiction/the ball. try not to feed it. youre going to get even stronger. and then when you get to that point i might be looking to you because im not there yet =)
the reason it is a problem is that it is like a slot machine, where youre never getting always hurt or always happy (if they broke up or he shows signs of missing you). you never know. it keeps you engaged. like slot machines. bad news. youll end up broker, less happy just for a few seconds of potential thrills.
Anyway, im really strugglign right there too. XABF is happy, he has nothing going for him. i have a lot going for me, but so sad over -him-.
as for the therapist- this is helpful. i just moved, got to find a new one. i will now not go to one at a drug treatment center because that is not helpful. even if she didnt agree you were codependent, who tells someone they dont need therapy. everyone needs therapists- whether theyre codependent or addicted or not because changes are were affected by people, and also there are a million good reasons to go- just to vent or set goals, or check in . etc. etc.
good luck to you girl. this is a hard day for me, too. but your strength will be a motivator towards mine.
first im going to eat an ice cream sandwhich and try to find my own therapist because in typing this i realize lord knows i need one. haha
the reason it is a problem is that it is like a slot machine, where youre never getting always hurt or always happy (if they broke up or he shows signs of missing you). you never know. it keeps you engaged. like slot machines. bad news. youll end up broker, less happy just for a few seconds of potential thrills.
Anyway, im really strugglign right there too. XABF is happy, he has nothing going for him. i have a lot going for me, but so sad over -him-.
as for the therapist- this is helpful. i just moved, got to find a new one. i will now not go to one at a drug treatment center because that is not helpful. even if she didnt agree you were codependent, who tells someone they dont need therapy. everyone needs therapists- whether theyre codependent or addicted or not because changes are were affected by people, and also there are a million good reasons to go- just to vent or set goals, or check in . etc. etc.
good luck to you girl. this is a hard day for me, too. but your strength will be a motivator towards mine.
first im going to eat an ice cream sandwhich and try to find my own therapist because in typing this i realize lord knows i need one. haha
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
good luck to you girl. this is a hard day for me, too. but your strength will be a motivator towards mine.
first im going to eat an ice cream sandwhich and try to find my own therapist because in typing this i realize lord knows i need one. haha
first im going to eat an ice cream sandwhich and try to find my own therapist because in typing this i realize lord knows i need one. haha
Chris ex-wife (who is also a friend of mine) just e-mailed me and let me know that Chris fine for his child support got paid.....he got a $1700 unemployment check and spent it all, didn't pay support so there was a $500 bench warrant issued....I'm sure his new woman or his mom paid it with their income taxes.
So is he single now and looking to replace you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Of course he's doing it to bother you, that's blatent!
He's obviously not liking the fact that you're not running back to him...so how can he possibly manipulate you and drag you back in? Ahh, he'll make an account online where he KNOWS you'll see it and feed you a load of crap to reel you back in.
Now if he put how crap his life is that would probably work too, but in a different way, you would prolly feel sorry for you. He's not out to get your sympathy, he's out to hurt you and grab you're attention and you're letting him.
Is there any reason why you need to log in to MySpace? Could you not move on to Facebook for a while? If he's doing this for attention and sees you haven't logged in for a while he might get bored and stop.
He's obviously not liking the fact that you're not running back to him...so how can he possibly manipulate you and drag you back in? Ahh, he'll make an account online where he KNOWS you'll see it and feed you a load of crap to reel you back in.
Now if he put how crap his life is that would probably work too, but in a different way, you would prolly feel sorry for you. He's not out to get your sympathy, he's out to hurt you and grab you're attention and you're letting him.
Is there any reason why you need to log in to MySpace? Could you not move on to Facebook for a while? If he's doing this for attention and sees you haven't logged in for a while he might get bored and stop.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Is there any reason why you need to log in to MySpace? Could you not move on to Facebook for a while? If he's doing this for attention and sees you haven't logged in for a while he might get bored and stop.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by TheMissus
Of course he's doing it to bother you, that's blatent!
And it will have no effect on you Sodetermined if you choose not to look.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I will call another therapist today too... and probably pay her son's university and wedding with my hard earned money $$ LOL (At least something good will come out of this madness!)
Nothing is as it seems... if someone saw me laughing out loud because of a coworker's joke they would think "oh she is ok and quite happy" nothing like that at all... but I am just not going to tell everyone I am going through hell right? No one would imagine that yesterday I spent hours crying!! To them I am as OK as anyone else...
If my ex were sad and I knew he'd miss me I would be allured. I am so sick that I would jail myself with the lion again. Yes. My addiction would win. So in a very hurtful way, it is a "blessing in disguise" he has no interest whatsoever. It hurts to think their emotional investment was 0% and mine was 802350258925790592%. Makes you wonder if anything was real. Right now I am angry because of that - cannot even cling to the good moments after so much hurt.
Anyhow on to my point...
You are both addicts.
He is still addicted and obtaining the same satisfactions as usual. If I you continued going out with him... you would say you are "HAPPY" too. Nothing has changed for him, only the actors in his scene. They will rehash the same stuff over and over. Re-runs...
You on the other hand, are under major withdrawal syndrome!! And STOPPING your addiction. It is expected there is inner work to be done!! This is a major change in YOUR life that you will benefit from the rest of your living days.
Confronting your patters is no easy feat!
As you see it is hard work and difficult stuff and a range of emotions. For all this stuff you are going through exactly, is why the majority of people choose to stick to the drink, porn, videogames, TV, whatever it is not to see yourself honestly and without distractions.
Right now it just "seems" he is doing better but if he is not in AA he can shout out loud he has no issues at all and everything is good. Is is real? Is this "happiness" THE SAME conception YOU have of happiness? I do not think so.
I believed it when someone told me He was OK, and the OW was OK, and I was the only one sad and hurt. I thought I was an alien without coping skills and needy. You more than anyone else know that his happiness is... superficial.
Unless he confronts his issues, allows himself to feel his feelings (poor them, their feelings scare them, they are like children), does the inner work, etc. the happiness he has is volatile, temporary and without substance. They depend on alcohol for it. They are dependent people going out of their way to act and convince others they are independent.
You are on your way to real happiness, independence and FREEDOM :> any comparison is not only unfair but in bad taste!! besides you'll look good with the diet and all
!!
Yesterday when I saw the Facebook it hurt, of course but it was also quite funny... all those messages of "love" and fun.. like trying too hard, you know?
Happy people are Out There enjoying their lives. No need to convince anyone. It just shows, and you know it is authentic. Someday very soon it will be others that see YOU that way.
Cheers and hugs!!
Nothing is as it seems... if someone saw me laughing out loud because of a coworker's joke they would think "oh she is ok and quite happy" nothing like that at all... but I am just not going to tell everyone I am going through hell right? No one would imagine that yesterday I spent hours crying!! To them I am as OK as anyone else...
If my ex were sad and I knew he'd miss me I would be allured. I am so sick that I would jail myself with the lion again. Yes. My addiction would win. So in a very hurtful way, it is a "blessing in disguise" he has no interest whatsoever. It hurts to think their emotional investment was 0% and mine was 802350258925790592%. Makes you wonder if anything was real. Right now I am angry because of that - cannot even cling to the good moments after so much hurt.
Anyhow on to my point...
You are both addicts.
He is still addicted and obtaining the same satisfactions as usual. If I you continued going out with him... you would say you are "HAPPY" too. Nothing has changed for him, only the actors in his scene. They will rehash the same stuff over and over. Re-runs...
You on the other hand, are under major withdrawal syndrome!! And STOPPING your addiction. It is expected there is inner work to be done!! This is a major change in YOUR life that you will benefit from the rest of your living days.
Confronting your patters is no easy feat!
As you see it is hard work and difficult stuff and a range of emotions. For all this stuff you are going through exactly, is why the majority of people choose to stick to the drink, porn, videogames, TV, whatever it is not to see yourself honestly and without distractions.
Right now it just "seems" he is doing better but if he is not in AA he can shout out loud he has no issues at all and everything is good. Is is real? Is this "happiness" THE SAME conception YOU have of happiness? I do not think so.
I believed it when someone told me He was OK, and the OW was OK, and I was the only one sad and hurt. I thought I was an alien without coping skills and needy. You more than anyone else know that his happiness is... superficial.
Unless he confronts his issues, allows himself to feel his feelings (poor them, their feelings scare them, they are like children), does the inner work, etc. the happiness he has is volatile, temporary and without substance. They depend on alcohol for it. They are dependent people going out of their way to act and convince others they are independent.
You are on your way to real happiness, independence and FREEDOM :> any comparison is not only unfair but in bad taste!! besides you'll look good with the diet and all
!!Yesterday when I saw the Facebook it hurt, of course but it was also quite funny... all those messages of "love" and fun.. like trying too hard, you know?
Happy people are Out There enjoying their lives. No need to convince anyone. It just shows, and you know it is authentic. Someday very soon it will be others that see YOU that way.
Cheers and hugs!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This paragraph came to my mind..
Helping a loved one with PTSD
Be patient and understanding. Getting better takes time, even when a person is committed to treatment for PTSD. Be patient with the pace of recovery and offer a sympathetic ear. A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past and move on.
For me that is a great challenge, my mind is wandering and I am hurt and need to talk about it, but I also need to take the decision to focus my energy in more constructive thoughts as anvilhead says!
The solution for that is Yoga, no thoughts at all and a much needed rest from the internal quacking
Helping a loved one with PTSD
Be patient and understanding. Getting better takes time, even when a person is committed to treatment for PTSD. Be patient with the pace of recovery and offer a sympathetic ear. A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past and move on.
For me that is a great challenge, my mind is wandering and I am hurt and need to talk about it, but I also need to take the decision to focus my energy in more constructive thoughts as anvilhead says!
The solution for that is Yoga, no thoughts at all and a much needed rest from the internal quacking
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
you REALLY think he's going to all that trouble just to BUG you???? isn't it possible he's just doing his own thing and it has NOTHING to do with you?
Anyways, it really doesn't matter WHY he did it, what matters is that I caused myself more pain and heartache....anvil, you are right, anytime I stick my nose in where it doesn't belong, I am asking for it. Old habits die hard, that's for sure.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Sodetermined -
How was the ice cream bar? Did you drown your sorrows in (sensible, portion-controlled) chocolate?
I'm glad to hear YOUR update - I think MySpace and FaceBook are sources of pain for many people. Good for you for recognizing that you don't HAVE to look.
Take care!
-TC
How was the ice cream bar? Did you drown your sorrows in (sensible, portion-controlled) chocolate?
I'm glad to hear YOUR update - I think MySpace and FaceBook are sources of pain for many people. Good for you for recognizing that you don't HAVE to look.
Take care!
-TC
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