CNMC2C

I was reflecting on the past 5 months earlier this evening.

I started thinking about September of last year when I found out that my XABF had been cheating on my while we were together and instead of confronting him and letting him have it, I chose not to and took the high road (for those in my life who know me...that was a huge feat).

In January when he was contacting me trying to get me to meet with him, I didn't respond.(this feat was challenging for the curious Codependant in me, but I maintained no contact).

Last week when I was informed that he had gotten married to a woman he has only known for a few months, I took a few minutes to just be stunned by the news, but I didn't respond.(Again, this was huge for the Codenpendant in me that wanted to scream at him .."are you freaking crazy, we split up in September, you met her in October, proposed to her in November, lost your house in December to foreclosure, and you were contacting me in January")...but please notice that instead of doing that...I went for a walk and prayed to my HP to lift any feelings of anger, embarassment, resentment, and hurt that I might have from me, and tried very hard to be able to say that I wish him all of the health, wealth, and happiness that he deserves as human being. (Please notice that I said tried;0) I'm hoping to eventually get to the point where I can say it and mean it.

I'm still struggling with learning how to deal with feelings of any kind and the issues that I am working on in a healthy way and not use my addictions to numb out and just not feel. I do know this, I may slip up and backslide in all areas, but I am so much better off today than I was 6 months ago. I'm slowly learning to get to know what I want for myself and how to truly appreciate, honor, and love myself for the first time. I am learning to trust that my HP will lead me to the life that he wants me to have.

All of this is a brand new world for me and I'm positive that there will be some major bumps along this journey, but I now know that I will be better equipped to handle them due to all of the things that I have been learning along the way.

Sorry for rambling....but I just needed to let it all out. Thanks for listening. Take Care.

lovtolaff

I just wanted to post to you that I can relate to what you are going thru/feeling.

Instead of 5 months - mine has been 8 months. My x also met someone instantly after we broke up - he lives with her and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if they married soon. He is one that HAS to have someone in his life at ALL times. He too contacted me WHILE with this new girl to tell me that he loved me and wanted me back - said this girl was just "someone helping him out" - yeah whatever. I stood my ground because like you...I KNOW that I am better off without him.

I too pray to HP to remove "anger, embarassment, resentment, and hurt" from my heart but I haven't quite gotten to the part about wishing him "health, wealth, and happiness that he deserves as human being" - honestly...I just don't feel that yet. I'm still too pi$$ed over all the crap I CHOSE to put up with. So yeah I'm mad at myself - these days.

I will agree with you that not reacting to his ongoing shenanigans is the BEST thing any of us could do. I have found that the less I know about him and what's going on with him - the more at peace I am with myself.

Good post - and you are so far from being ALONE!!!

Strength and peace to you. :ghug3

GiveLove

CNMC2C --

It's a rough journey some days, a nice stroll through a sunny meadow others, isn't it?

But what you've described is a really stunning description of what getting better is all about. Doing the right thing sometimes even when it's hard; forcing ourselves to stay away from people who are damaging to us; putting our heads down and butting through the bad days to get to the good ones we know lie just beyond.

Thanks for this post. I learn a lot from the things you post here!

CNMC2C

I'm going to share a few of the things that I have discovered about myself in the last 6 months. The last 2 months of therapy have been excrutiating but needed. I meet with my psychologist twice a week and every time I walk out of that room, I feel like I've just ran a marathon and need a nap. When I started focusing on HOW I got to the point where I lost it last year and became a person who couldn't function on any level due to what I thougt was another person's addiciton........that is when I have started opening my eyes. The problem wasn't my XABF's addiciton, it was me. I now understand where I began my self destructive train ride into Codependency.

I was raised by my parents in an environment where Alcohol was not allowed due to religious beliefs, but Codependency was spoon fed to me by my Mother and Father. Their relationship was and always has been a very dramatic, walking on egg shells, train wreck , but they have stayed togehter for 40 plus years due to their religoius beliefs and fear of being alone. Sadly enough, I was put under a microscope and picked apart by these 2 people my entire childhood. I was suppose to be the best at everything. The pressure that I felt was enourmous. I never knew how to deal with all of the pressure, until I discovered that if you ate enough food....you would get sleepy, go to sleep, and forget it all. I was a sophmore in High School when I became bulimic, but I was a compulsive overeater way before that. I was an athlete, who had so much pressure on her shoulders to get a Divison 1 scholarship b/c that is what my Father wanted for me....that I finally snapped by my senior year and just half-assed it so that no school would recruit me. My Father and Mother told me what a huge disappointment I was and that I would never amount to anything. Lovely, right;0)

I ran as far away as I could to get away from them when I went to college. I was still compulsively overeating and bulminic,but I had discovered freedom and alcohol. I partied my way thru a Bachelors and Masters degree, but managed to graduate with both degrees. Finished college and got married at the age of 26 to a guy who abused me emotionally and mentally, but left him eventually. For the next 7 years, I focused on my career and didn't date anyone, until I moved to Colorado and met my XABF at a business convention. I was mesmerized by him immediately and threw caution to the wind...and dove in head first.

Now, what does all of this have to do with addiciton, you may ask? I think if you read thru this post, you will see addiciton everywhere....I am a type A personality who is a rebellious overachiever. I have no clue what a healthy relationship looks like due to being raised in an environment where no healthy relationships were modeled for me....that is where my additition to codependency and drama started. I have low self esteem due to being told how worthless I have always been, no matter how much I acheive in my career and life. I use food like an alcholic uses alcohol...I'm an addict. And....the final kicker.....I've picked men who have exact traits and characteristics of my Mother and Father and have recreated their sick, twisted relationship. My ex-husband and XABF have such strong characteristics of my Mother and Father that it is frightening.

My reltaionship with my XABF....was my rock bottom. It is what has made me start taking a look at myself and get the help that I need for all the issues that I have. This road to recovery sucks at times, but my goodness ....I have no desire to relive/repeat the past 20 years of my life.

Thanks for letting me "gush". I'm just really needing to let it all out right now. Thanks and God Bless.