My thoughts nowadays
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My thoughts nowadays
Hi friends
Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know it will be long.
I am writing this for me as well so bear with me if I ramble...
Last Thursday I glanced the xAHbf with his new girlfriend from afar. I have to admit I was back to Day 1. I had an appointment with friends and I managed, but the conversation was about our old job and it all brought old memories, when I met him, good times, etc. Triggers.
The next day Friday the xAHbf comes in early with the same clothes and clearly unbathed. Smiling. It was just as when I saw him entering an Oxxo before work / not the regular path from the home we shared and I knew he slept somewhere else. That hurt beyond words.
Now I remember when I kissed the friend of another ex boyfriend and how my then boyfriend saw some messages in my cellphone. That night was hell for him.
My exAH did not cheat on me. And yet I feel the victim. Even worse, people, I admit I got entangled with a married man. I told him to back off when I knew he was married. Then a few days ago we kissed.
I came to my senses and realized it was a test, and that I am not to take ANY decision or do ANYTHING from my pain, in this vulnerable stage where "I do not care about anything". So how can I judge others when I can harm and do much worse things? Needless to say that married man stint is over.
In another thread I said that in order to get rid of your fear you have no other option than doing the very thing that scares you the most.
Well, I am scared of facing reality (I am an escape artist). So I came home. Bought Kleenex. Unblocked the ex from Facebook. I know everything now. He dedicated the same song he dedicated me to the new one. And no, I could not feel bad - I have done the same thing. I have been cruel too and not meant the song at all to anyone. Because the song talks about love, and I do not have a f***** idea of what love is.
When we broke up he posted "only after a disaster can you resurrect" and "only after you lose everything you can do anything". And the rest of the info are pictures of his trips to the beach, saying how happy he is, tons of pictures and messages of love... they have been going out for 3 months. Those same 3 months of myself crying endlessly at home! She posted, "we are going to get ill if we keep on lying down so much time"... of course I read this all the time listening to Our Songs, reading the Very Last Email I kept and remembering all OUR good times.
Of course I have been crying for hours. Self inflicted torture? No! Liberation. Precisely as I do not want to carry this burden this year I am feeling it intensely. I am facing my pain. It is there. I took it to the extreme.
You are there, pain, self destructive thoughts, jealousy, envy, guilt, lack of control, obsession, hopelessness, impotence. I accept you are there and that I am a mere mediocre human...but you are NOT going to control my acts anymore or dictate if I will or not enjoy another sunset of if I do or do not deserve joy. You will NOT be the motor that makes me forget to thank God. because I started a brand new day. Can you imagine! A brand new day just for me. Yesterday or tomorrow do not exist. It is today what matters. The gift of Life... ignored.
I have absolutely NO say in how a person chooses to live his life. Moreover, no RIGHT to even judge, criticize, psychoanalyze anyone. I cannot predict anyone more than I can predict myself, know which lessons they should learn, judge if they learned them....
If I get angry with people because they do not change and see the light is because I have not changed and refuse to get help too. Too lazy to do the work even if peace and serenity are the rewards. Too comfortable to stay where I have always been... asking crocodiles for a tender kiss and asking why they do not do it!!
The funny thing is that this sadness stopped real fast. I concluded his happiness, real or not, does not take anything from me. There is abundance in this world. Someday somehow I will be OK knowing he is happy / even without me. It hurts to know he does not need me at all. But guess what? I do not need him (or anyone else) either. I got myself and my HP to guide me. My only goal this year is to work with my anger to let compassion reach my heart. I would like to be that person that says "I may not have been the right one, and it may not have been the right time, but it all served me well. there was a disease lurking in both of us. for him and for me / all the best. He was a great master, and he taught me way more in his absence than in his days walking by my side"
For now, down to Earth, he already stated he will drink until the very last day of his life. What am I against that statement? Tell me... what could I possibly do to change that? Nothing at all. Nothing.... NOTHING.
It was outstanding how everything in his life is about alcohol. It is so crystal clear to me now, from the distance.
After this relation I learned my sadness has a name, codependence, and that I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This is a trauma for me because yes, all the nightmares, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts, triggers (even colours, a similar laugh, the month April as its the name of the new one), this sick damn obsession of mine is just the same scenario I learned 27 years ago.
My father left my mom, sister (she was 6) and me (3) and left with another woman. He is still happily married and my mom has been sad, lonely since. No other man in his life / even a friend.
Eventhough I have a wide range of accomplishments, traveled a great deal, my attitude has been "My father had me and left. I am not welcome in this world. It would be better if I do not exist." So you can step over me.
Once I went to a rave party and got drugged and sexually abused. I came home with bruises, do not ask me how. My mom saw me. Do you think he said anything? No. Later on she gave me a letter saying that ir hurt her see how wild I was. I never told her it was NOT consensual. No one knows this - well, only the xAHbf. When he was still Jekyll (seems like eons ago) and we made our innermost confidences.
Now the worst part- you would think I got angry, sad.. no. I thought I deserved it. I did not care. Until I worked this event in a spiritual retirement I did not feel angry. In fact I saw the perpetrator a couple of times after that. Trying to make it appear less bad than how it really was. I was really sick.
And tell me anything now / I will believe it because I trust you much more than I trust myself. All those trips and stuff I have done, no pictures, because I went there and enjoyed but well.. I was a shadow. No comments of anything I have done because I do not like standing out. Not fulfilling any potential on my many talents because well, who am I to be in the spotlight?
I just joked with a friend that my only requirement for a bf has been for him to breathe...
I reached these conclusion because my theater teacher said "hey, we are watching YOU. YOU are there. YOU are part of the scene!!" and it struck me. He was correct, I was not doing anything. I was acting The Wall just as I have done so far. Funny how one phrase can impact you so much.
I feel like Prometheum with the vulture eating my guts anytime there is a trigger, and these days seem full of them, then with some distance I recover and reflect and meditate and do yoga.. and the next day I am OK until the next trigger, the next vulture. Hercules comes to rescue Prometheum, I would just like to know about what time, because I am getting tired.
Tired of my old way, tired of the old me. Tired of this hell my life has become the last few months. Tired of catching myself doing the same stuff and thinking the same stuff and subjecting myself to stuff that is so low, inappropiate. Tired of seeing events and feeling its all about ME and my shortcomings.
Like the Bjork song...
Excuse me
but I just have to
explode this body
off me
I'll be brand new tomorrow
a little bit tired
but brand new...
The word "body" is open to interpretation...
Thanks all just for being out there.. you have no idea of how much you have helped me. Especially as I am tied to my jobs and have not had the chance to go to a FF Alanon. But I will go. I would like to hug one of them. It will be like hugging all of you as well.
I ask for strength to move forward and willpower to keep it up.
I feel so peaceful now. Deleting the songs, pictures, mails. I need my space.
Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know it will be long.
I am writing this for me as well so bear with me if I ramble...
Last Thursday I glanced the xAHbf with his new girlfriend from afar. I have to admit I was back to Day 1. I had an appointment with friends and I managed, but the conversation was about our old job and it all brought old memories, when I met him, good times, etc. Triggers.
The next day Friday the xAHbf comes in early with the same clothes and clearly unbathed. Smiling. It was just as when I saw him entering an Oxxo before work / not the regular path from the home we shared and I knew he slept somewhere else. That hurt beyond words.
Now I remember when I kissed the friend of another ex boyfriend and how my then boyfriend saw some messages in my cellphone. That night was hell for him.
My exAH did not cheat on me. And yet I feel the victim. Even worse, people, I admit I got entangled with a married man. I told him to back off when I knew he was married. Then a few days ago we kissed.
I came to my senses and realized it was a test, and that I am not to take ANY decision or do ANYTHING from my pain, in this vulnerable stage where "I do not care about anything". So how can I judge others when I can harm and do much worse things? Needless to say that married man stint is over.
In another thread I said that in order to get rid of your fear you have no other option than doing the very thing that scares you the most.
Well, I am scared of facing reality (I am an escape artist). So I came home. Bought Kleenex. Unblocked the ex from Facebook. I know everything now. He dedicated the same song he dedicated me to the new one. And no, I could not feel bad - I have done the same thing. I have been cruel too and not meant the song at all to anyone. Because the song talks about love, and I do not have a f***** idea of what love is.
When we broke up he posted "only after a disaster can you resurrect" and "only after you lose everything you can do anything". And the rest of the info are pictures of his trips to the beach, saying how happy he is, tons of pictures and messages of love... they have been going out for 3 months. Those same 3 months of myself crying endlessly at home! She posted, "we are going to get ill if we keep on lying down so much time"... of course I read this all the time listening to Our Songs, reading the Very Last Email I kept and remembering all OUR good times.
Of course I have been crying for hours. Self inflicted torture? No! Liberation. Precisely as I do not want to carry this burden this year I am feeling it intensely. I am facing my pain. It is there. I took it to the extreme.
You are there, pain, self destructive thoughts, jealousy, envy, guilt, lack of control, obsession, hopelessness, impotence. I accept you are there and that I am a mere mediocre human...but you are NOT going to control my acts anymore or dictate if I will or not enjoy another sunset of if I do or do not deserve joy. You will NOT be the motor that makes me forget to thank God. because I started a brand new day. Can you imagine! A brand new day just for me. Yesterday or tomorrow do not exist. It is today what matters. The gift of Life... ignored.
I have absolutely NO say in how a person chooses to live his life. Moreover, no RIGHT to even judge, criticize, psychoanalyze anyone. I cannot predict anyone more than I can predict myself, know which lessons they should learn, judge if they learned them....
If I get angry with people because they do not change and see the light is because I have not changed and refuse to get help too. Too lazy to do the work even if peace and serenity are the rewards. Too comfortable to stay where I have always been... asking crocodiles for a tender kiss and asking why they do not do it!!
The funny thing is that this sadness stopped real fast. I concluded his happiness, real or not, does not take anything from me. There is abundance in this world. Someday somehow I will be OK knowing he is happy / even without me. It hurts to know he does not need me at all. But guess what? I do not need him (or anyone else) either. I got myself and my HP to guide me. My only goal this year is to work with my anger to let compassion reach my heart. I would like to be that person that says "I may not have been the right one, and it may not have been the right time, but it all served me well. there was a disease lurking in both of us. for him and for me / all the best. He was a great master, and he taught me way more in his absence than in his days walking by my side"
For now, down to Earth, he already stated he will drink until the very last day of his life. What am I against that statement? Tell me... what could I possibly do to change that? Nothing at all. Nothing.... NOTHING.
It was outstanding how everything in his life is about alcohol. It is so crystal clear to me now, from the distance.
After this relation I learned my sadness has a name, codependence, and that I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This is a trauma for me because yes, all the nightmares, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts, triggers (even colours, a similar laugh, the month April as its the name of the new one), this sick damn obsession of mine is just the same scenario I learned 27 years ago.
My father left my mom, sister (she was 6) and me (3) and left with another woman. He is still happily married and my mom has been sad, lonely since. No other man in his life / even a friend.
Eventhough I have a wide range of accomplishments, traveled a great deal, my attitude has been "My father had me and left. I am not welcome in this world. It would be better if I do not exist." So you can step over me.
Once I went to a rave party and got drugged and sexually abused. I came home with bruises, do not ask me how. My mom saw me. Do you think he said anything? No. Later on she gave me a letter saying that ir hurt her see how wild I was. I never told her it was NOT consensual. No one knows this - well, only the xAHbf. When he was still Jekyll (seems like eons ago) and we made our innermost confidences.
Now the worst part- you would think I got angry, sad.. no. I thought I deserved it. I did not care. Until I worked this event in a spiritual retirement I did not feel angry. In fact I saw the perpetrator a couple of times after that. Trying to make it appear less bad than how it really was. I was really sick.
And tell me anything now / I will believe it because I trust you much more than I trust myself. All those trips and stuff I have done, no pictures, because I went there and enjoyed but well.. I was a shadow. No comments of anything I have done because I do not like standing out. Not fulfilling any potential on my many talents because well, who am I to be in the spotlight?
I just joked with a friend that my only requirement for a bf has been for him to breathe...
I reached these conclusion because my theater teacher said "hey, we are watching YOU. YOU are there. YOU are part of the scene!!" and it struck me. He was correct, I was not doing anything. I was acting The Wall just as I have done so far. Funny how one phrase can impact you so much.
I feel like Prometheum with the vulture eating my guts anytime there is a trigger, and these days seem full of them, then with some distance I recover and reflect and meditate and do yoga.. and the next day I am OK until the next trigger, the next vulture. Hercules comes to rescue Prometheum, I would just like to know about what time, because I am getting tired.
Tired of my old way, tired of the old me. Tired of this hell my life has become the last few months. Tired of catching myself doing the same stuff and thinking the same stuff and subjecting myself to stuff that is so low, inappropiate. Tired of seeing events and feeling its all about ME and my shortcomings.
Like the Bjork song...
Excuse me
but I just have to
explode this body
off me
I'll be brand new tomorrow
a little bit tired
but brand new...
The word "body" is open to interpretation...
Thanks all just for being out there.. you have no idea of how much you have helped me. Especially as I am tied to my jobs and have not had the chance to go to a FF Alanon. But I will go. I would like to hug one of them. It will be like hugging all of you as well.
I ask for strength to move forward and willpower to keep it up.
I feel so peaceful now. Deleting the songs, pictures, mails. I need my space.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It is!
I feel great.
Funny these days other people have reached out to ME (poor souls lol) and I can offer a few words of support or just listen.
A friend came to offer me support and I was the one who ended up supporting him...
Now that I have lived the downward and upward spiral, I prefer the upward spiral
I feel great.
Funny these days other people have reached out to ME (poor souls lol) and I can offer a few words of support or just listen.
A friend came to offer me support and I was the one who ended up supporting him...
Now that I have lived the downward and upward spiral, I prefer the upward spiral
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Dreamer999 
I would like to hug one of them. It will be like hugging all of you as well.
I'm a hugger now, and dd is 7 1/2 years old, she's a hugger too. We learned that in Alanon. She doesn't hang around during meetings, usually just the hand holding (serenity prayer at the end) and the hugging part.
Funny, I teach her that police, fire fighters, and service men are heros. I've seen her walk up to policemen we don't even know, (we know plenty) and hug 'em. They are taken a back. Not used to such love from the general public! Too bad.
She makes me proud.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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