Daughter of an alcoholic needs help
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 5
Daughter of an alcoholic needs help
Hi everyone.. I have only posted here once before but have so many things I need to get out of my head I don’t know where to start.
My dads an extreme alcoholic and drug user when under the influence, he schizophrenia when drinking, and bipolar. He is extremely unpredictable when drunk (with the law and general public). In the past he has done so many embarrassing things. When drunk he picks fights, see hookers, gets beaten up, runs in with the law, drink and drives, gambles all his money etc when drinking. His drinking has destroyed our family. But when his sober his a great person.. I feel sorry for him.
My mum, after 25 years of marriage and her 50th birthday has finally ended the relationship and things are going downhill at a rapid rate. I live in Brisbane, my mum, brother and sister in Melbourne.
Now that he has been kicked out of the family home he has been staying with my grandma for 3 months. We also own an investment property together (me, mum and dad) in Surfers Paradise on the Gold Coast (Australia). He has decided he wants to live in the investment property which is located in a resort with a bar downstairs, and a strip of nightclubs, hotels, bars, and strip joints 2 min walk away. We all know this is a BAD idea.
For the last 6 years I rent the property to holiday guests to cover the $550 a week mortgage repayments. Things have been running smoothly for the last 6years because he has lived interstate with no access to the property. Now his decided since his not with my mum his moving into the unit. Without consulting myself or my mum, the other owners.
What a disaster this will be.
I’m really worried because I’m on the loan as well, I just know he will screw it up and has no job in that town and will not be able to cover the mortgage repayments and support his drinking habit. I know his habit will come FIRST and the mortgage SECOND. It always had. If that happens I’m in big trouble, the bank will come knocking on my door and I will loose my house I have worked so so so very hard for. He said he can afford it (he cant) and that it wont come to that. I don’t know what to do. !!
His alcoholism will cost my and my mum our credit rating and own home if he lives there permanently and not pay the mortgage (at the moment our tenants cover the entire mortgage so we do not need to put personal funds towards the loan). I worry every day about losing my job and are struggling enough with my own financial issues without him adding to them.
What am I to do? His flights are booked. His moving into the unit next week.
As far as he is concerned he has admitted his ‘too old to change’ and has already been to rehab about 45 times.. nothing helps.. nothing.. and I’m use to that after 23 years.. but this is going to effect my life now and my husbands.. we are getting married soon and cant even afford a wedding let along to lose our house because of him.
Please help me. I love my dad but what can I do?? Once he collects the key I know he will be drunk everyday and not pay the mortgage.. I will loose my house and all my savings if that happens.
My dads an extreme alcoholic and drug user when under the influence, he schizophrenia when drinking, and bipolar. He is extremely unpredictable when drunk (with the law and general public). In the past he has done so many embarrassing things. When drunk he picks fights, see hookers, gets beaten up, runs in with the law, drink and drives, gambles all his money etc when drinking. His drinking has destroyed our family. But when his sober his a great person.. I feel sorry for him.
My mum, after 25 years of marriage and her 50th birthday has finally ended the relationship and things are going downhill at a rapid rate. I live in Brisbane, my mum, brother and sister in Melbourne.
Now that he has been kicked out of the family home he has been staying with my grandma for 3 months. We also own an investment property together (me, mum and dad) in Surfers Paradise on the Gold Coast (Australia). He has decided he wants to live in the investment property which is located in a resort with a bar downstairs, and a strip of nightclubs, hotels, bars, and strip joints 2 min walk away. We all know this is a BAD idea.
For the last 6 years I rent the property to holiday guests to cover the $550 a week mortgage repayments. Things have been running smoothly for the last 6years because he has lived interstate with no access to the property. Now his decided since his not with my mum his moving into the unit. Without consulting myself or my mum, the other owners.
What a disaster this will be.
I’m really worried because I’m on the loan as well, I just know he will screw it up and has no job in that town and will not be able to cover the mortgage repayments and support his drinking habit. I know his habit will come FIRST and the mortgage SECOND. It always had. If that happens I’m in big trouble, the bank will come knocking on my door and I will loose my house I have worked so so so very hard for. He said he can afford it (he cant) and that it wont come to that. I don’t know what to do. !!
His alcoholism will cost my and my mum our credit rating and own home if he lives there permanently and not pay the mortgage (at the moment our tenants cover the entire mortgage so we do not need to put personal funds towards the loan). I worry every day about losing my job and are struggling enough with my own financial issues without him adding to them.
What am I to do? His flights are booked. His moving into the unit next week.
As far as he is concerned he has admitted his ‘too old to change’ and has already been to rehab about 45 times.. nothing helps.. nothing.. and I’m use to that after 23 years.. but this is going to effect my life now and my husbands.. we are getting married soon and cant even afford a wedding let along to lose our house because of him.
Please help me. I love my dad but what can I do?? Once he collects the key I know he will be drunk everyday and not pay the mortgage.. I will loose my house and all my savings if that happens.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by mydadsadrunk 
Without consulting myself or my mum, the other owners.
Hello.
I'm sorry to hear about this...and I wish I knew some advice to give, but that sentence above stuck out. Could you find out what the laws are regarding your situation? I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you and your mom constitute a majority in the investment, how can he move in if you two say that he can't move in? I freely admit I don't know anything about investment property (especially where you live) but I would find out all I could concerning my options (unless you've already done that, of course)
I'm wishing you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 5
Thanks for your replies.. My dad is one of the owners, along with mum and I. There are 3 names on the title. I dont want to go to a solicitor because I feel sorry for him.. but I'm not prepared to loose my house either... I just dont know what to do... mum said to wait and see what happends once he moved in BUT the thing is, once his in there, how will I get him out!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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Originally Posted by mydadsadrunk
Thanks for your replies.. My dad is one of the owners, along with mum and I. There are 3 names on the title. I dont want to go to a solicitor because I feel sorry for him.. but I'm not prepared to loose my house either... I just dont know what to do... mum said to wait and see what happends once he moved in BUT the thing is, once his in there, how will I get him out!
Yes, your father will be mad.
but just because you feel sorry for him is NOT enough reason to put yourself through finacial ruin.
He is a grown man. He can take care of himself. You will only be enabling his disease if you let him live there. You may actually HELP him by telling him NO and preventing him from moving in.
((()))
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Hi. I don't know much about your situation or the laws of your area. Can you sell the investment property? How quickly can it be done?
If you don't go to a solicitor, what happens? Do you think there is any other way to get him out of the property?
If you don't go to a solicitor, what happens? Do you think there is any other way to get him out of the property?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry to hear about all you and your family are going through right now. What a shame that you have all had to live through so much at the hands of someone you love.
If you do not go to a solicitor, you and your mum will be on the hook for the mortgage without any help from him (not that you have probably had much help before). If he has nowhere else to go, is that REALLY anyone else's fault but his? No, it's not. I know you love your Dad and feel sorry for him, but does he feel sorry for you? For all the pain and terror and police encounters he has put you through?
If he moves into this place, it certainly might be harder to get him out, and the police would likely have to be involved, but I know nothing about the law in your country.
If the behavior you describe above continues at this rental place, his neighbors may complain and call the police themselves.
I hope very much that everything works out for you and your family! Keep posting, keep venting...you will find a lot of Experience, Support, and Advice here!
Hugs and lots of good wishes, HG
If you do not go to a solicitor, you and your mum will be on the hook for the mortgage without any help from him (not that you have probably had much help before). If he has nowhere else to go, is that REALLY anyone else's fault but his? No, it's not. I know you love your Dad and feel sorry for him, but does he feel sorry for you? For all the pain and terror and police encounters he has put you through?
If he moves into this place, it certainly might be harder to get him out, and the police would likely have to be involved, but I know nothing about the law in your country.
If the behavior you describe above continues at this rental place, his neighbors may complain and call the police themselves.
I hope very much that everything works out for you and your family! Keep posting, keep venting...you will find a lot of Experience, Support, and Advice here!
Hugs and lots of good wishes, HG
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Do you feel sorry for him or are you afraid of him?
When my father was actively drinking and certainly now with my brothers I often feel afraid and and intimidated. They are like bullies. When they don't get their way or something is about to interfere with their drinking or their bogus self-image they can be extremely hostile.
For a "nice" girl like me that has always been hard to take. But once I got educated about alcoholism and my own codependency I realized I HAD TO learn how to stand up for what was right regardless of their bullying or anger. Otherwise I am inviting insanity into my life.
I would speak immediately to a solicitor. Maybe go change the locks on the property. Inform dad that since you and mum have 2/3 majority share and you need the rental income he will not be moving in there and hand him the card to your solicitor. Don't hesitate. Like most bullies he will back down when you stand firm. You don't have to get nasty or aggressive - just try to be strong and say what you mean- don't even engage in debate. Just "This is how it's gonna be." Period. Walk away.
And then fight the good fight to protect your property and good financial name!! This is where a solicitor can really be your champion.
All he's protecting is his right to drink.
Never forget that.
That's what alcoholics do.
By any means necessary.
And he does have that right.
But he has no right to jeopordiza you & mum's credit-standing.
Alcoholics are amazingly resilient.
He will figure something else out.
And no matter what he chooses it is not your fault or your problem!
Can you find a 3rd investor to buy him out?
Alcoholism is progressive and doesn't ever get "better" - until the alcoholic chooses and works at recovery it is a one way ticket down. Taking steps NOW to protect yourself is something you will never regret and I bet you discover lots of great stuff about YOU that you hadn't tapped into before!!
good luck-
peace,
b.
When my father was actively drinking and certainly now with my brothers I often feel afraid and and intimidated. They are like bullies. When they don't get their way or something is about to interfere with their drinking or their bogus self-image they can be extremely hostile.
For a "nice" girl like me that has always been hard to take. But once I got educated about alcoholism and my own codependency I realized I HAD TO learn how to stand up for what was right regardless of their bullying or anger. Otherwise I am inviting insanity into my life.
I would speak immediately to a solicitor. Maybe go change the locks on the property. Inform dad that since you and mum have 2/3 majority share and you need the rental income he will not be moving in there and hand him the card to your solicitor. Don't hesitate. Like most bullies he will back down when you stand firm. You don't have to get nasty or aggressive - just try to be strong and say what you mean- don't even engage in debate. Just "This is how it's gonna be." Period. Walk away.
And then fight the good fight to protect your property and good financial name!! This is where a solicitor can really be your champion.
All he's protecting is his right to drink.
Never forget that.
That's what alcoholics do.
By any means necessary.
And he does have that right.
But he has no right to jeopordiza you & mum's credit-standing.
Alcoholics are amazingly resilient.
He will figure something else out.
And no matter what he chooses it is not your fault or your problem!
Can you find a 3rd investor to buy him out?
Alcoholism is progressive and doesn't ever get "better" - until the alcoholic chooses and works at recovery it is a one way ticket down. Taking steps NOW to protect yourself is something you will never regret and I bet you discover lots of great stuff about YOU that you hadn't tapped into before!!
good luck-
peace,
b.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I dont want to go to a solicitor because I feel sorry for him.. but I'm not prepared to loose my house either... I just dont know what to do... mum said to wait and see what happends once he moved in BUT the thing is, once his in there, how will I get him out!
Then I'd find out what you will need to do, legally, to either:
1) prevent him from moving in, or
2) protect yourself from what may happen if he doesn't make the payments, or
3) get your name off that mortgage, or
4) get HIS name off that mortgage so you can evict him when he doesn't make the payments.
You don't have to DO anything yet. But arm yourself with knowledge, and try not to succumb to fear about the future. For example, there is every possibility that you WILL NOT LOSE YOUR HOME, as the bank will likely simply take the investment property.
But a solicitor can tell you all of this. Please see one - it will be worth it ten times over in peace of mind.
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