Need insight on the feelings of other.

Old 02-09-2009, 11:03 AM
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Question Need insight on the feelings of other.

I have a question about where to draw the line on the focus I place on myself and putting aside the feelings of others (since I cannot control them).

Everyday I have goals that I set for myself for the day and one of them is let others be responsible for their own emotions and opinions because I am not responsible for how they feel about themselves or what they think of me.

This makes me think of my ABF's mother who has bipolar issues and troubles with alcohol and sought many years of therapy for them. She has said rather hurtful things to me, to ABF, and to other people when she has visited us or when we've visited her. When she is asked why she would say such things, or what would make her say that out loud, she will counter that she learned long ago in therapy not to care what people thought about her and to speak her mind.

She was talking once and was hurting my feelings greatly with comments direct towards me. When I asked her to please stop because it was hurtful, she responded that it was okay if I didn't like her for her opinions because she doesn't care what people think of her anymore. What?? I left the room, in my own home, because I couldn't reason that one out for the life of me. I still don't know what to think of it.

I have always been a bit angered with how people can think being honest and candid allows you to be rude or hurtful to others.

So I find myself stopping short when I remind myself that other people hold opinions of me that are none of my business because I can't seem to justify that being true. If I have hurt someone I love by my words or actions, I owe them an apology, but if I turn a blind eye to their feelings towards me as ABF's mother does, how would I know I hurt them in the first place.

Does anyone have any insight on this?

Alice
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:11 AM
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Since being sober I have found that I let out alot of my opinions without considering if I'm hurting the person that I'm saying them to, I have watched the faces of those that I've chosen to give a piece of my mind and have seen some expressions of disbelief. I pray everyday that God controls my behavior and shows me how to say what I feel without offending anyone or embarrassing myself. I want to be able to speak my mind without making others feel the way I did when it was once done to me.

Thanks for sharing it will help with my troubles,
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
This makes me think of my ABF's mother who has bipolar issues and troubles with alcohol and sought many years of therapy for them. She has said rather hurtful things to me, to ABF, and to other people when she has visited us or when we've visited her. When she is asked why she would say such things, or what would make her say that out loud, she will counter that she learned long ago in therapy not to care what people thought about her and to speak her mind.
Don't you just love it when people twist things to suit their bad behaviors?

I could walk around and be an a$$hole and tell people if they are offended, well that's their stuff to deal with.

That's not how it works, at least not in my world.

There's a difference between expressing my feelings tactfully, and being rude and obnoxious. It certainly sounds like she has a rationalization for her 'rude' and 'obnoxious', no?

:ghug :ghug
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
she learned long ago in therapy not to care what people thought about her and to speak her mind.

She was talking once and was hurting my feelings greatly with comments direct towards me. When I asked her to please stop because it was hurtful, she responded that it was okay if I didn't like her for her opinions because she doesn't care what people think of her anymore. What?? I left the room, in my own home, because I couldn't reason that one out for the life of me. I still don't know what to think of it.

Talk about a total misinterpretation of the meaning the therapist was likely trying to convey!

There is a world of difference between not caring what people think of me and being deliberately hurtful when speaking to someone. I do not care that person X thinks I am a horrible human being. That does not mean it's ok to tell X hateful, hurtful things. I have every right to tell someone I will not listen to what they have to say.

Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
If I have hurt someone I love by my words or actions, I owe them an apology,
On the whole I agree with this but not necessarily. Sometimes the truth is hurtful. Sometimes my actions my hurt someone but be the best thing for me.
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:59 PM
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Thank you all for your responses!!

I have tried to make the point to her before that not caring what someone thinks and not caring if you hurt someone are two entirely different things, but it flies right by her.

Her meds contribute to her lack of focus on her surroundings, IMHO.
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Old 02-09-2009, 07:39 PM
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Alice,

This truly seems to me to be an issue of boundaries. If ABF's mom were a perfect stranger and walked in your home spouting hurtful, hateful things at you, how long would you allow her to stay?

So I find myself stopping short when I remind myself that other people hold opinions of me that are none of my business because I can't seem to justify that being true.
Her opinions of you ARE truly none of your business. It is a sad but true fact that not all people are going to like us -- I consider myself a pretty cool person and I can still name quite a few people who don't like me, my style, my smart mouth, my dogs, etc. But my acceptance of this fact is a recent development...when I was younger, I still took it very personally and couldn't fathom why anyone would dislike little ol' me!!

So, since you can't control her feelings about you - you do realize that, right? That she's going to feel what she feels, no matter what you say or do? -- all you can do is set boundaries as to how much you will tolerate when you're around.

Honestly - she will continue to spout hurtful things for as long as you'll sit there and listen, or as long as you continue to make her welcome in your home without any repercussions for her rude, insensitive behavior.

It takes courage to get in someone's face and say, "The next time you say hurtful things about me in my presence, I am going to go to your room and pack your bag, and you will not be welcome in this house again. If you do it to me at YOUR house, I will leave. Is that pretty clear?"

It takes courage, and I had to be pretty mad before I could do it (and yes, I have, and yes, it worked) It's the only thing that will make her change her behavior. YOU have nothing to feel bad about...she's the one who's behaving badly and she has lost her "guest rights" imho.


GL

p.s. meds or not - she will remember being tossed into a cab and sent home for bad behavior. And at the very least, she's out of your airspace and you can be at peace. Nobody needs that in their face.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:42 PM
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Hi Alice. Lots of good comments from everybody. Here's my 2 cents:

Just because someone shares their feeling it does not mean that they line up with truth or have made a right judgement of you. People can be self deceived by their own feelings. Feelings do not govern right behavior.

To make abusive comments and call them feelings is what we would call a
"red herring ", another words to confuse the argument or mislead someone away from the actual issue.

So let's try this: "ABF Mom, I have a boundary and you have crossed it. You have abusively aimed your feelings at me 3 times. So you need to leave my house.( Or - I need to leave ABF Mom's now). My boundary is that I won't deal with it beyond 3 times in a visit. You are free to return on another day where i will happily receive your company until you cross my boundary.( Or- I will return on another day..) Oh , what was that you said ABF Mom, you say you weren't abusive. OH, but that is how I feel about how you speak to me. I feel that I will make my own decision about what is healthy to protect against your abuse no matter what you think about it." Now this all assumes that abuse was a 'right judgement' as to behavior and therefore feelings are inline with the truth that the bad behavior of abuse is being dished out.


If she were to tell you she is not ever coming back or tells you not to come back that is her choice. In anycase set a boundary you can live with and not hold resentments. If that means you never talk to her then that needs to be your boundary. You would be acting with respect for both as you will remain healthy and not hold resentments against her.

Truth and what is right stand above are feelings. If feelings become the test of ones behavior then there will be chaos. And who are we to say that an A shouldn't just keep drinken and behavin the way they are. Hey , it is just how they feel. It is "know the truth and the truth will set you free" ( found in the bible) not " feel the truth and the feeling will set you free."

"Treat others how you want to be treated."( found in the bible) This is the heart of respect. So I speak to others the way i would want to be spoken to , and this includes confronting them if they have bad behavior because if I was being a jerk I hope someone would have enough respect for me to confront my bad behavior. However, the other respect option is that I respect their right to receive their consequences of abusive behavior, like me wanting nothing to do with them and feeling good about that decision because I know the truth of the situation and I acted on that truth.

So my personal experience is when I know the truth the truth sets me free. I feel at peace with the pleasant decisions and the unpleasant one.

love tammy

"Love does not rejoice in evil but rejoices with the truth."( found in the bible)

Last edited by MeHandle; 02-09-2009 at 10:05 PM. Reason: bad typing
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