MissFixit

Hi,

As most of you know I have't heard from my exabf in a few months. He has contacted my godmother periodically, but she stopped answering his calls.

This morning he called and she answered (I think to repremand him for his ill behavior as she has seen first hand my pain and his lack of accountability).

Anyway, he says that I called his new fiance and got into a verbal fight with her. THIS NEVER HAPPENED!!! I have made NO contact with the woman. She responded to an email I sent him months ago and told me never to contact him again. (The email was in reference to getting my belongings back, which after two letters from my father to him, I still don't have). I hate being bullied, but I have not contacted either of them.

He/they are telling people that I got into some aggressive/jealous fight. Although, I have of course envisioned doing that at times, but I would NEVER behave that way. I was raised better than that.

I am embarrased and want to defend myself in some civil manner, but think that it will just play into their sicko lies.

HELP! I need support.

Barbara52

Are those whose opinion you care about going to believe the lies? Probably not right? So the question becomes do you care about what those whose opinion don't matter to you think? If so, why do you care? If you don't care, ignore it all.

As many have said, someone else's opinion of me is none of my business.

MissFixit

Barbara,

I know you are right.

I am mad that I have tried to be a lady about all of this and kept to myself. Then whamo, this comes out of the blue. Hasn't he done enough? Why drag me into their mess after months of NO contact.

Barbara52

Just to yank your chain perhaps? Who knows. Ignoring his nonsense robs him of any possible satisfaction he could receive from your reaction.

MissFixit

Thanks Ladies!

I have been so vigilant, civil and non-confrontational about ALL of this, that I feel like that should be enough. Obviously not. But, after my anxiety rush today, I am trying to shake it off like Anvilhead says.

Unfortunately, I had a Grande Starbucks this morning. Not a good idea. I went for a walk this afternoon and will take a long bath with candles tonight.

TakingCharge999

Hi MissFixIt
Distorsions of Reality are part of the combo, should not be a surprise at this point...
Be glad you are no longer there
No one cares about what they think hope you enjoy your day! sounds great!!

Kimmieh

My ex (non-alcoholic) also told people lies about me (that we were never really together, just friends, etc.) and made fun of me behind my back. I, too, felt like I wanted to restore my reputation because he told people I considered my friends (not close, but still). Then I realized that not one of these friends ever contacted me about how I am doing after the break-up and to ask me about the things he told them. So I decided that I don't care what they think of me.

But the very best thing was for me to tell everyone that I don't want to hear about anything he says or does. He probably continued being a jerk, but what I don't know does not bother me. :ghug3

ToughChoices

I know what you mean - sometimes, when you try SO hard to do the right thing and take the high road it can be really painful to see that effort go unacknowledged.

For what it's worth, I've found that grace and civility are only rewarded by those who appreciate grace and civility.
Doesn't sound like L is one of those people.

That is too bad for him.
Hugs to you - enjoy your bath!
-TC

InAnotherLife

In my own experience, I find when I stay civil (despite wanting to get nasty) w/ my exabf it tends to annoy them more. Especially his wife. I can honestly say when he was arguing with me all the time they were doing great. When I stopped arguing, they started arguing. I think she thrives on the drama, and when she can't get it, she causes it in her own relationship with him. Pretty sad. But that really is the way it is.

FWIW, I think you should be civil, it helps to think about how unhappy he or she must be that they are trying to make YOU unhappy too. When people are really happy together, they don't go out of their way to cause trouble for other people.

Tarheel

MissFI,

My STBXAH chose the neighborhood Fourth of July party to announce to all of our friends that we were splitting up. He said horrible things about me (some true, most not) and assured them all he'd been Husband of the Year...sorry...Husband of the Century.

It took every ounce of grace and civility not to shout from the mountaintop - "He is a Crossdressing Alcoholic and he's passed out every single night right here in this house!"

I still have not made that oh-so-true declaration. Because it's beneath me and I know that - if I can just hold on (and we both can!!) - what goes around comes around. I don't have to do a thing.

I would be lying if I said it had been easy. But when I see the old neighbors and they whisper, I walk away with my dignity. And it feels good.

Hang in there!

TH

nelco

In my own experience I have had this happen to me many times by two of my brothers. active alcoholics. I got sober and stayed sober and it makes them very uncomfortable, so they resorted to filling the rest of my family with lies (some of them sooo far fetched) including my parents. unfortunately for me my family listened. I found the more I tried to defend the more "crazy" I sounded. I stopped years ago, and they eventually found a new scapegoat . Its all misdirected anger and I had to remove myself from my family for my sanity...it was very hard not re-acting but definately was the way to go for me.

MissFixit

Thank you.

Grace and civility, grace and civility. This is the mantra I keep thinking to myself. I remember my grandmother who was the epitome of this until the day she died. I would love to be like she was. I have a couple of older women friends who also display this behavior and have been great confidants. They say the same thing.

Why is it so hard to be the grown-up at times?