past day 609
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Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
past day 609
SR.................threw it all it has been the many friends and family that I have connected with here on this site that has given me the strength courage and support I have needed to make it just one moment past the time I have wanted to give up..........for that you will have my undying gradatiude.
I stumbled upon this poem and had to display it.........it hits home hard in places and I hope that it touches others as well, and thanks for helpping me obtain day 610!
The Struggle
by Begary
Have you ever traveled down a road to find there was no end
For every corner that you turned there was another bend
The faster that you walked, the longer that it seemed
And you were all alone, in this crazy dream
Crazy dreams that you dream alone
When the lights go out and no one's home
You see the day for what it's been
And you wish to God you could stay clean
The morning brings you to the road you didn't want to travel
and every step you take again makes your life unravel
You keep on walking down the path, wondering what you'll find,
and pray that when you find it you wont have lost your mind
It's halfway through another day and you're looking for those dreams
knowing they can make your life better than it seems
If only to forget your pain for a little while
you can travel down the road just another mile
The night is now upon you, the miles are on your face,
But you keep going forward to your final place.
You know the end is coming soon, you see it straight ahead
And if they don't forget you, you never will be dead
this man wrote th is poem for his sister.......she lost the fight.....I read this and remember and then I pray to God that I have never made my family feel this way, even though I know I have and all I can say to them is, I appologize.....
Much love!
Pamm
I stumbled upon this poem and had to display it.........it hits home hard in places and I hope that it touches others as well, and thanks for helpping me obtain day 610!
The Struggle
by Begary
Have you ever traveled down a road to find there was no end
For every corner that you turned there was another bend
The faster that you walked, the longer that it seemed
And you were all alone, in this crazy dream
Crazy dreams that you dream alone
When the lights go out and no one's home
You see the day for what it's been
And you wish to God you could stay clean
The morning brings you to the road you didn't want to travel
and every step you take again makes your life unravel
You keep on walking down the path, wondering what you'll find,
and pray that when you find it you wont have lost your mind
It's halfway through another day and you're looking for those dreams
knowing they can make your life better than it seems
If only to forget your pain for a little while
you can travel down the road just another mile
The night is now upon you, the miles are on your face,
But you keep going forward to your final place.
You know the end is coming soon, you see it straight ahead
And if they don't forget you, you never will be dead
this man wrote th is poem for his sister.......she lost the fight.....I read this and remember and then I pray to God that I have never made my family feel this way, even though I know I have and all I can say to them is, I appologize.....
Much love!
Pamm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
They call us by mistaken names, often unaware of our truth.
On biased paths for painful gains, we die many deaths for sake of knowing.
Ever-changing lives that mingle with complacency but never give way to hopelessness,
We ponder the empathetic tendencies of life's unfolding.
Just a temporary cure for the breathless, we take our last standing for them making
us restless and beaten down emotionally.
Not a care in the world except of its spiritual state, we practice patience and
observance without time.
With a sea of concrete waves, we pound our way through desolate places only to
remain faceless with obscure names secreted by blind minds.
Standing in misrepresentation, we purge ourselves from the frenzy of solitude
that embroiders our nameless existence,
and then we feed the crows of plenty with the waste of buzzards shrouded with
the fragrance of time spent.
We remind them of angels, walking along grassy gardens, who can only love for
the sake of loving.
We give them hope, those that will see, of a life in a better place that takes
away their bed of pain and suffering.
Then again, we remind them of sharks, winding through dark seas in search of
energetic motion.
We disappear, then re-appear unannounced, enjoying each moment of isolation and
underexposure.
We suggest to them everlasting forgiveness and charity can stimulate a world of peace.
We take from them nothing as we burn inside from the heavy hands of spiritual beasts.
We live to die while constantly dying to live, we are the knights in rustic armor.
Taking no pause for cause, it's only right to be nameless knights
With the love of forever, regardless of tomorrow.
made me stop and think
On biased paths for painful gains, we die many deaths for sake of knowing.
Ever-changing lives that mingle with complacency but never give way to hopelessness,
We ponder the empathetic tendencies of life's unfolding.
Just a temporary cure for the breathless, we take our last standing for them making
us restless and beaten down emotionally.
Not a care in the world except of its spiritual state, we practice patience and
observance without time.
With a sea of concrete waves, we pound our way through desolate places only to
remain faceless with obscure names secreted by blind minds.
Standing in misrepresentation, we purge ourselves from the frenzy of solitude
that embroiders our nameless existence,
and then we feed the crows of plenty with the waste of buzzards shrouded with
the fragrance of time spent.
We remind them of angels, walking along grassy gardens, who can only love for
the sake of loving.
We give them hope, those that will see, of a life in a better place that takes
away their bed of pain and suffering.
Then again, we remind them of sharks, winding through dark seas in search of
energetic motion.
We disappear, then re-appear unannounced, enjoying each moment of isolation and
underexposure.
We suggest to them everlasting forgiveness and charity can stimulate a world of peace.
We take from them nothing as we burn inside from the heavy hands of spiritual beasts.
We live to die while constantly dying to live, we are the knights in rustic armor.
Taking no pause for cause, it's only right to be nameless knights
With the love of forever, regardless of tomorrow.
made me stop and think
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
we just got home from the hospital, fell down again, dr did some more tests won't know the results from most of them until thursday will know some more in the afternoon tomarrow...........just scared, girls seem ok......my blood pressure is a bit high.......just gonna keep on praying, and heading for my bed again..................night all
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
talked to a guy today and started to get to know him, have known him for over a year or so now but actually opened up to him today...........found out he was a recovering addict of 22 years, asked him if he was "recovered" or "recovering" and he suprised me with recovering because everyday goes by with me wanting something.................I guess that is the truth even though today is like 611 for me I still miss that first burn as it slides down my throat or the burn of the smoke as it stills my thoughts and makes me numb....................even now I am wondering if I will ever lose that feeling or thought........if I will lose the want of it totally, I know now with me being pregnant that I dont miss it at all, my girls are the most important thing to me and the fact that I gave it all up not just for me but their father makes me realize that it is really well worth it.............just wonder if I will stay clean or if I am like one of those dry drunks that I am always hearing about..................confused thoughts, but happy today none the differance..................feeling good and a bit sore hardly no sleep.........and my Edward sitting next to me yawning his fool head off............today so far has been a good day and for that I am very pleased!
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Pamm))
I'm glad you, Edward, and the girls are okay. I am sure I will always be recovering. I still have times when I miss the using, but I always think it through and remember how I was still miserable in the end, no matter how much I used. Besides, today, I have enough recovery and too many recovery friends, the guilt of letting myself and my friends down would be too much to handle, so I just won't go there
We had more drama, here, with stepmom falling out from too many lortabs. I am on "strike" from my family. Yes, I am working toward getting my own place, but it is still going to take a few months, but I AM working on it..me and the cats...no furniture, but as long as I have power, water and internet, we will be okay.
BTW....I am less than a month away from 2 years clean Absolutely amazing!!! You're not too far behind me!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you, Edward, and the girls are okay. I am sure I will always be recovering. I still have times when I miss the using, but I always think it through and remember how I was still miserable in the end, no matter how much I used. Besides, today, I have enough recovery and too many recovery friends, the guilt of letting myself and my friends down would be too much to handle, so I just won't go there
We had more drama, here, with stepmom falling out from too many lortabs. I am on "strike" from my family. Yes, I am working toward getting my own place, but it is still going to take a few months, but I AM working on it..me and the cats...no furniture, but as long as I have power, water and internet, we will be okay.
BTW....I am less than a month away from 2 years clean
Absolutely amazing!!! You're not too far behind me!Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: Flint MI
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you know it..................that is exactly why I havent given up.....between you momma and my Edward the guilt would kill me..................we have worked WAY too hard to stay clean this time........sorry about step mom.................I can't wait until you get your own place...............we will get you stuff for your house.............sooner than later but one step at a time........someplace that will take you and the cats.............miss ya girl..................hopein YOU are ok i know the work schedual changed again but let me know when to call or can call me any time.................LIKE YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT...........lol
Missin ya sis! Love ya more and hope to hear from you soon!!!!!!!!
Love and Hugs
Pamm and Edward ( Khalila and Jasmine too)
And Baby and the rest of the crew......................
PS BTW my E said to tell you that NA was for quitters.................still laughing.............lol he knows us both too well!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Missin ya sis! Love ya more and hope to hear from you soon!!!!!!!!
Love and Hugs
Pamm and Edward ( Khalila and Jasmine too)
And Baby and the rest of the crew......................
PS BTW my E said to tell you that NA was for quitters.................still laughing.............lol he knows us both too well!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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long day and has been quite a good one everything considering............just deleated my baby brothers im on accident would of been the first time he has said anything too me since I threw him out of my house for smoking crack on my frount pourch............talk about calling the kettle black......for so many years I felt responcible for my brothers drinking and drug habits..............took me a lot of growing up to realize I really hadnt had that much of a role in their lives to of made THAT much of a differance but our parents and thier habits had.........I am so glad I am big enought to own up to me and for my mistakes............and not take on the responciblity and failures of theirs........wow..............awsome thought to go to bed on tonight..............
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Good Morning New! I hope all is well with you and yours............
Amy it is goregous here..............it is all foggy and a bit warmer than what it has been............I cannot wait for spring.............Hopefully I can get a garden in this year, but my belly is so large now and getting bigger everyday I think it is going to be a blessing just to get to the farmers market........oh well.................can't make Edward into a farmer no matter how hard I try...........lol that New York city kid is just now loving his yard and the fact he can have some down time in it mowing and mulching in it........lol
talk to everyone soon another Drs appointment today...........so tired of them, just not tired of what I am doing and getting at the end of this process...............getting to the point where I cant wait to hold my girls...........
Love and Hugs everyone and have a great day!
Pamm
Amy it is goregous here..............it is all foggy and a bit warmer than what it has been............I cannot wait for spring.............Hopefully I can get a garden in this year, but my belly is so large now and getting bigger everyday I think it is going to be a blessing just to get to the farmers market........oh well.................can't make Edward into a farmer no matter how hard I try...........lol that New York city kid is just now loving his yard and the fact he can have some down time in it mowing and mulching in it........lol
talk to everyone soon another Drs appointment today...........so tired of them, just not tired of what I am doing and getting at the end of this process...............getting to the point where I cant wait to hold my girls...........
Love and Hugs everyone and have a great day!
Pamm
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
feelin a bit better........chrio did some adjusting and i was on that viberating bed, that thing feels so gooddddddddddddddd............lol
get your minds outta the gutter thats how I got in this mess.............lol
Love and hugs,
Pamm
get your minds outta the gutter thats how I got in this mess.............lol
Love and hugs,
Pamm
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Pamm))
It's supposed to be gorgeous, here today, too...68 degrees and sunny! I'm off to do work for dad, same as yesterday, then back to the "real" job tomorrow. We're having our 75th anniversary at work, so I'm working an early morning shift, then coming back in for late night...yuk!
I know you're tired of dr. appointments, but they're a necessity, so get over it
We tried having a garden here...the deer ate it all. Now stepmom is in too much pain (no comment) and neither dad nor I have time, but we have a friend who has a wonderful vegetable stand about 2 miles from here, so that's cool.
Okay, time to get my butt out of bed and get to work. Now I'll get fussed at by Mots, the cat, because he just GOT in the bed and doesn't want me to leave.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It's supposed to be gorgeous, here today, too...68 degrees and sunny! I'm off to do work for dad, same as yesterday, then back to the "real" job tomorrow. We're having our 75th anniversary at work, so I'm working an early morning shift, then coming back in for late night...yuk!
I know you're tired of dr. appointments, but they're a necessity, so get over it
We tried having a garden here...the deer ate it all. Now stepmom is in too much pain (no comment) and neither dad nor I have time, but we have a friend who has a wonderful vegetable stand about 2 miles from here, so that's cool.
Okay, time to get my butt out of bed and get to work. Now I'll get fussed at by Mots, the cat, because he just GOT in the bed and doesn't want me to leave.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
yes had the Vibrating bed done yesterday as well wouldn't you know it my co pay for thing is only a buck..........lol
Glad to hear your still busy Amy, Stopped long enough for getting dressed for anothers Drs appointment, having another ultrasound done..........which means till everything is discuassed I wont know anything till monday at least..............Edward finally lost it...........he is taking this really hard, he was worried when I was pg before but he was taking care of Olivia in the hospital........this just has him lost.....I am just trying to hang on and keep praying..............I love ya talk to you soon.......
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Glad to hear your still busy Amy, Stopped long enough for getting dressed for anothers Drs appointment, having another ultrasound done..........which means till everything is discuassed I wont know anything till monday at least..............Edward finally lost it...........he is taking this really hard, he was worried when I was pg before but he was taking care of Olivia in the hospital........this just has him lost.....I am just trying to hang on and keep praying..............I love ya talk to you soon.......
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
to tired and sick to be anything like sick and tired...........they can only see one baby ( Khalila) they found a tumor not sure of anything else because the ultrasound pics are too "MILKY" Drs here are sending my to university of michigan hospital, trying to find me a bed they said could take a few days............i am just scared, everything was cool not worrying or stressing too much until I seen that ultrasound pic.......heart beats are fine which is a good thing and I am trying to keep mine under control.................just so scared.......why me? why does this happen to ppl who really and truely want children when there are ppl out there in the world who just want to win a record for most babies at a time? worse than that, why is this happening to my Edward, he doesnt deserve this at all.
going to bed feel like just totally losing it for awhile and bawling my eyes out....
Pamm
going to bed feel like just totally losing it for awhile and bawling my eyes out....
Pamm
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