Need to understand

Old 02-08-2009, 04:30 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
Need to understand

I have posted before about my situation- my exab live across the street from me. I am in recovery for my codependency and am actually feeling healthier than ever. I have started casuall dating again and am feeling very positive about my life and recovery. BUT...... I still find myself fantsizing about my exab and watching his house- today was a beautiful day and I spent most of the day reading on the front porch which is one of my favorite things to do. But in doing so, I watch his house and saw him a few times coming and going. He never drives by my house any more- always goes the long way out of the neighborhood instead of the easier way, which would be past my house. Anyway I just can't understand WHY I would still welcome him back in my life, why I still expect it and wait for it. I am happily trying to move on and make healthier choices but this is one unhealthy thing I keep holding on to. I went on a date last weekend and really enjoyed myself and he wants to see me again this coming weekend. I am looking forward to it and have no regrets or guilt about it. But a big part of me stil hopes my exa will contact me. WHY?????? I don't understand that at all. Why would I want all that drama and negativity back in my life. Yes I still love him and care for him but he is sick and activly using, not taking responsibility or being positive. It is so frustrating that I still obsess about him.
hopefulone is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 05:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hopeful,

You've posted on this topic before, but I don't remember if you're in counseling? Seems like you are, if I remember right, and so this is a terrific question that it seems your therapist should be working through with you: why you still think the painful life you've experienced with him is all you deserve? Why do you allow yourself to do these obsessive things (like watch for his car) rather than stopping yourself? Isn't it a little like an alcoholic's drinking -- they do it because it makes them feel human and right, even though it's terrible for them? Just as we hold them responsible for not saying "NO" to the bottle, we also are responsible for our own addictions, and the damage they do in OUR lives.

Hope you can help yourself --
GiveLove is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 05:11 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
peaceteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I agree that this is something your therapist could help with. I am not a therapist, but I am aware of the temptation we as codies have in self-sabotaging. In other words, we know we should be moving on, we know we deserve better, but we have a hard time really believing it, and when it might even be happening (as in your new guy being interested) we still, perhaps even unconsciously, create situations or take measures to "screw up" any chance of change and happiness that our HP might be directing us toward.

Just a thought, but maybe you are actually working "against" yourself rather than "for" yourself. You deserve more. You know it, we know it, your HP knows it. Why won't you let yourself have what YOU deserve, hopeful one?

Be your own advocate. Hold your own chin up, like you would a friend. Look yourself in the mirror and say "You deserve better. You are never going to be treated that way again. I will see to it." Take care of that deserving little girl inside. She needs you. Get your focus off him, once and for all, and focus on yourself. YOU are the answer for YOU.
peaceteach is offline  
Old 02-08-2009, 05:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
Yes I have been in therapy for years and it sure does have to do with me not thinking I deserve better and taking care of my inner child. My HP has certainly put my exab across the street from me so that I will continue to addess this issue and deal with it. Thank you for reminding me of that. It is something I MUST continue to hear and remind myself every day!!! It is a daily struggle. The ego is a powerful thing and I am constantly reminded that he rejected me every time I walk out of my house. My inner child is reminded of constantly being rejected by my alcoolic father. This is my personal struggle.
hopefulone is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:07 AM.