ksaun

Went to my bar again last night to hang out with some friends and have a couple. My one friend was celebrating her anniversary with her hubby and asked me to stop by, so I did. My ex-friend/addict Amie was working again so I just stayed away from her. Totally ignored her as if she wasn't even there. Which just as it did the night before worked just great for me. I had another great time and spent a great night with friends.

Here is the thing that I can't figure out if its sad or funny. One of the other girls that works at the bar told me Amie is spreading rumors about me. Saying all kinds of stuff that isn't true. Things like I wont leave her alone, I'm harrassing her night and day, etc. This is what I'm told she was saying friday night when I was bouncing at the bar. I didn't even look at her on friday.

Now, I haven't tried to call her or text her for over a month. The last time I actually did talk to her was when I gave her the numbers for a good rehab and the pictures of her and her daughter at the xmas parade we went to. That was over 2 weeks ago. I haven't even so much as looked at her since then. So how am I harassing her? LOL

Another friend told me Amie was staring at me all night long, he said every time he looked around the bar she was staring at me. Now I never talked about anything having to do with Amie and me to anyone in the bar. So its not like I have everyone banding together against her or anything. As far as anyone knows to my knowledge is that I'm just not driving her to work anymore. But from what I hear, Amie has told everyone the reason for that was because she wouldn't F me. A total line of BS, I never even made a pass at her much less tried to F her. But I digress.

As I said before, I'm done with her PERIOD! I just told both my friends that brought me the news about her. "I have nothing to do with her anymore", "I really don't care what she says about me, because the people that know me, know I'm not like that, she is just making herself look bad."

Then I told them both I didn't want to hear anything else about her or what she says or does unless its something I should be worried about. Like she is a threat to me or something like that.

So is it funny or sad that she is making all these fabricated comments about me behind my back and staring at me like a dog looking at a bone all night?

:wtf2

In any case just wanted to share a little. None of this makes a bit of difference to me. She is out of my life and thats where she is going to stay. I'm not going to spend one second worrying or thinking about why she would say things like that about me. I really don't care. The people that know me know there not true.

The thing is if I wanted to I could get her fired, but thats not me. Her addiction is showing and others are seeing it. She will get fired soon enough without any assistance from me. I give it a month.

Oh and btw, I didn't let any of this ruin my night.

Taking5

Why bounce or hang out there? Do you really need the money that bad?

SistersHelp

Hi ksaun,
No harm meant and please don't take offense at all, but it seems to me like you're putting a whole lot of energy and effort into convincing us (and yourself) that you don't care about this lady. Perhaps methinks thou dost protest too much?

If she's truly obsessing over you, it would probably be best for her to be away from you to get some distance and clarity, and maybe that wouldn't hurt you either. Can you invite some of your friends to hang out somewhere else for awhile?

imallright

I was thinking the same thing. Please take it as support, not criticism... but you sure spend an awful lot of time talking about her and thinking about her for someone who doesn't care.

ksaun

No offense taken. Your entitled to your opinion. I was just sharing what was happening, just like everyone else does here. Don't know if you read it but instead of me saying something over and over again just read this....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-own-path.html

Maybe it will make a little more sence then.

jerect

Well at one point in time this was what you were doing... Maybe to her the texting and the rehab suggestions were a form of harrassment..

If you were completely done with her then this would not be an issue and it would not be bothering you at all

If I were you, I would find a new place to hang out for a while, maybe ask your friends that you hang out with up there to meet you someplace else.. I mean if you really wanted to stay away from this girl you would... and if she is now telling everyone that you are harrassing her and such it really would be a good idea to stay away from that bar... PERIOD.. When it comes to harrassing and stalking (not saying your stalking her) most of the time women have the upper hand if you know what I mean.. Law enforcement take reports of harrassing and stalking very seriously if the complaints come from a women... DO you really want to be put in that postion?

No but you are letting it ruin your day otherwise you would not be so botherd by it.. Me thinks you are still the slightest bit obsessesd and this is not healthy behavior for you

marle

Sounds like the stuff of teenagers. Addicts are immature because they never learn to deal with stuff in a healthy fashion. I am sure that the rumors and stuff will die down once people get on with their own lives. If you want to keep going to that bar, then you need to expect that sh*t happens. But I will bet that once she moves on to her next victim, you will be yesterday's news. Hugs, Marle

Freedom1990

You know, bars and clubs just have no thrill for me anymore. Even if I wasn't a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent, it's just not the kind of atmosphere I care to mingle in.

I live fairly close to Wichita, which is a large city, and there isn't a single week go by where there aren't several alcohol-related shootings/stabbings in bars or clubs over there. It always makes me sad to hear those stories.

I enjoy the majority of my socializing around others in recovery, people I have a common bond with.

bluebelle

You are still very concerned about what this friend does. Why are you so concerned about what she is saying about you or about what others are saying about the two of you? There seems to be a lot of gossipping going on with your group of friends. One thing that may help is if you focus on positive activities and thoughts. Where can you go, where can you hang out that would be more positive? What activities are you interested in that would bring you more peace? I have a tendency to have intrusive thoughts, too. I will worry about my ABF, and whether or not he is using. I have a tendency to get focused on one thing, and obsess about it. What really helps me is if I focus on positive activities. For me, that is going back to school, focusing on work, talking with positive friends, working out. I've found that if I focus on what I need to do for myself, I will have less of these intrusive, upsetting thoughts. That includes paying my bills on time, and generally just taking care of my business. It is easy for me to get sidetracked with negative thoughts to avoid doing what I need to do. If I'm stressed over personal issues (like paying my bills), I will avoid those thoughts about worrying about what somebody else is doing (codependent behavior). I'm letting you know this, because maybe it will help you.

ksaun

Your entitled to your opinion.

First I didn't say it was bothing me as you suggested. I was mearly commenting on what had happened last night. And it wasn't ruining my day until I starting reading the negative replies to my post. I don't really care if you or anyone else believes I'm done with her. I know I am.

And although I appreciate the input, it seems like I am being attacked for actually being able to move on and not let her or her addiction effect my life anymore. Whats the point in recovery if you never recover?

Maybe this will help clear some things up.
Do I hope Amie gets help, yes!
Do I still care if she lives or dies, yes.
Just because I don't want her in my life anymore doesn't mean I want bad things for her.
Does it bother me that she would say things about me, Of course it does. But no more so than if anyone else would have said them.

I can still have compassion for her and want her to get the help she needs. And still not want her in my life. Its not an all or nothing thing for me. I do still care about her. But I can't allow her to be part of my life or effect it as long as she is using. Until she is clean and sober I am done with her.

As far as her looking at me all night, It didn't and doesn't bother me. She can look all she wants. I just found it curious, given the comments she made about me. That she would have that much interest in what I was doing all night. Just making an observation here.

As for me having to rearrange my life just so I don't see her, Thats just stupid. I am NOT going to allow her to effect who I see or where I go and when anymore than I would allow anyone else to.

The problem is as I see it, alot of those here give their addict soooooo much power over them. And you allow them to do it. Time and time again I read how people have to not go here or do this because of their addict. For me all I had to do was take the addiction out of the equation for it all to make sense to me.

Bad behavior is just that, you either allow it or you don't. I choose not to allow Amie's behavior past, present and future to effect my life in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if you or others don't believe me or can't grasp that concept. All I know is it worked for me. But then again, my situation is much different that most everyone elses.

So I will continue to go to the bar just as I have been. I really don't care if you or anyone else agrees with me or not. Its what I want to do, because I enjoy it. I was going there long before she started working there I will be going long after she is gone.



The reason I started this post was to show others, you can actually do what you want and not have to deal with the addicts issues if you dont want to. Even if your in the same room as them and no matter what they say or do. You have the ability to ignore them and not get sucked into their world.

But unfortunatly it was taken as something totally different. I'm sorry that you and others can't be happy for me and acknowledge the accomplishments I have made. Maybe that says more about you and your recovery than it does mine? I don't know, Im not a psychiatrist. I just know what has worked for me and I am fine with how I handled things. And thats good enough for me.

I appreciated my friends telling me what they did, but I also told them I didn't want to know anything else from now on. I didn't go to see Amie, I didn't ask others about her, I didn't want to know what she said or that she was looking at me. And it doesn't matter to me.

It may seem to you that I am trying to convince you or myself that I am done with her. To me is just me telling it like it is, being happy I finally was able to move on and trying to share my happyness and accomplishments with others. And maybe be able to give someone else just a little hope or maybe even a little different perspective that may make the difference in their recovery.

Good luck to you and everyone else here.

jerect

No one is attacking you!!!! No one, and I'm sorry that you feel that our posts are negative.. but honestly from your posts.. You have not moved on because if you have, you would not be still so obsessed with this ongoing saga..

as far as recovery goes. it's a lot more then just putting it behind you and moving on.. recovery is looking at yourself and figuring out what caused you to become so obsessed with someone and their disease.. recovery is working on changing your situation..

We all have given you suggestions here and like in Alanon you can take what you want and leave the rest..

I'm so sorry you feel that way... but most people that post on here live with an addict.. we go to alanon and we work our program so that we may own our own power and take care of ourselves... please do not judge the members on this forum for what they do or don't do... you do not know everyones situation..

Tell that to the mother of three children who is married to an addict... tell that to the mother of an addict whose son she just had to kick out on the streets... tell that to the wife of an addict that has to decide what the fine line of enabling and being a supportive spouse.. You can choose to ignore a friend or someone that you do not have to see everyday... but you can't just ignore the big elephant in the living room..

I suggest you read up on codependency and addiction... maybe you will see things a little bit differently..

Good luck to you and I hope that you find yourself making the right decisions for yourself in this situation.

Freedom1990

I say this with all sincerity. I pray you never ever have children with an addict, or have children that turn out to be addicts.

Best of luck to you in your future.

SistersHelp

ksaun, I don't see where anyone is attacking you either. What I see is a lot of people with a lot of experience in situations like the one you describe, who are trying to offer you the benefit of what they've learned. That's what this place is for. I've had a few virtual thumps on the head from these people too... and a lot of loving support. And let me tell you, while I have treasured every hug and kind word, it's the thumps on the head that have helped me see clearly and make the right moves.

To me, it seems excruciatingly clear that this girl has hurt you and that you are not over it. And there's no shame in that at all. We all have people in our pasts who've hurt us and who we've had to distance ourselves from. The way I know I've done that successfully is that I don't spend any time writing long letters about how much I don't care about these people, because I don't remember them. I don't think about them. I don't have to go out of my way to tell anyone how much I don't care... because I actually don't care.

I'm not judging you or making fun of you, ksaun. I'm telling you this because I've been there too, walking past a guy in a bar six times just to make sure he saw me go by and saw that I wasn't looking at him, to make sure he noticed how much he didn't affect me! And spent the whole evening talking with my girlfriends about how much I didn't care.

Just like with an addict, actions speak louder than words.

I hope you'll take all these comments in the spirit with which I am absolutely certain they are intended. And trust me, a loving virtual thump on the head can be a real help.

ksaun

IF my motive was to get her fired. As I think you are suggesting. I would have already done it. I want no part of her success or failure at work. I was only commenting that others had noticed her addiction starting to show. If she gets fired it will NOT be any of my doing.

And if you were suggesting that I would or am trying to get her fired. It just goes to show you know absolutely nothing about who I am. And what I think is right and wrong.

ksaun

Maybe I'm taking the wrong tact here. Maybe I can make this a little clearer for you and everyone else.

Yes she hurt me, but NO I don't want to hurt her or get her fired in return. I dont hate her or want bad things for her. Thats not the kind of person I am. I'm only trying to return my life to the way it was before I met her.

I don't go walking by her 6 or 7 times to make sure she knows I'm there and I'm ignoring her. And I don't talk about her to anyone at the bar. And if anyone brings up anything about her, I just say "I don't know" and leave it at that. I sit at the bar up at the front mind my own business and talk to my friends, I make no effort to be seen by her or noticed by her. She stays mostly in the back of the bar doing her thing. Im ok with all that. I really don't see the problem here that most of you do.

I'm not trying to show everyone how much I don't care about her. Cause I still do care about her. I have no problem admitting that. I still want the same things for her that I wanted before. To get clean and sober get her daughter back and have a happy life. The only difference is I am choosing not to have her in my life at this time. And that is what Im ok with. I still think about her but I don't have the knot in my stomach that I used to. I'm just keeping my distance and keeping to myself.

I feel good about where I am right now. I'm not going to the bar because of her or to make things difficult for her, Im going because I want to go see my friends and have a good time at a place I enjoy. Just like I did before I met her.

If and when she gets fired it will NOT be because of anything I did or said. That I can guarantee. Maybe I'm thick headed but I really don't see the problem with how I choose to handle this.

ksaun

If your going to Quote me Quote all of what I said.

This is what I actually said...

The key here was the "BUT THATS NOT ME" part. And the "She will get fired soon enough without any assistance from me. I give it a month" Is a prediction not something I want to happen to her.

and

Imagine that, she could actually get fired or quit working at a bar. That is totally unheard of isn't it? LOL Sorry to burst your imaginary bubble, but I have seen at least 30 girls come and go in this bar. So its not that much of a streach of the imagination to think that...

1. she may either get fired or quit and

2. I will still be going to the bar after she and probably another 30 girls are gone. I know its a stretch but it could happen. LOL

On a personal note: Get your facts straight before you accuse someone of something or try to make it seem like they meant something that they didn't. OK?

WLDKATZ

so sorry if you think I am attacking oh well......................this is a sober place for recovering addicts of ALL TYPES.................and I can't get past the part that your bragging about having fun at a bar/club/pub wtfe.................we just dont need to hear you bragging on how lordly you are that you think you have your own sobrity in place that you can obviously lead another into hers when you are showing her YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY be sober and recovered while out partying and living it up..............face the facts you ARE just there to rub things into her face even if it is "HEY I AM PAST YOU"........IMO I think it is you who needs to figure out your own short commings before preaching to someone who DOES need the help badly enough that even a person in your condityion can see shr problem, but again that is just IMO




Pamm

jan123

When she does get fired from this bar it will make life easier on you, then you will be able to see your friends and you will be a bit more at ease. If she gets a job in another bar in town, will you start to go there? Just a question.

Everyone here I believe is trying to understand you and they only have your best interest at heart,their input is based on the experiences that each one of us has had to bear.

Back to your question. Funny or sad? All I can say is that they are masters in attempting to always get people on their side. To give you an example: When my X was cheating on me he actually bought a tape recorder to tape arguments we had. Obviously I new nothing about it until I found the recorder in his truck. He did this so he could show his new girlfriend and his friends how awful life was for him, living with me. The Funny thing about it was that it worked. He is living with her and he has many friends. Many friends who think I am a B#$#ch. Sad part is , they only know one side of the story. He needed to do this to secure himself with them, so he could leave me.

Another part of this is that he actually called me a few months ago and asked if he could come back. I said NO. He changed his phone number and is gone again, and that's okay.

I wasn't strong enough to live with an active user. He was killing me slowly no matter what. If I had to do it all over again, I still would never be strong enough to endure that madness. Point being. I understand that you feel you are over her and that is a good thing. I personally could never see him ever again at work or at a bar or even at a bus stop without the flood of the past rushing in to torment me all over again. But that is me, not you.

winnie12

I've tried to hold back commenting for a while but just cant. I feel very sorry for Ami - not only does she have to deal with addiction but she also has to deal with someone on the verge of being a stalker. Her words the other night were the final validation of what i've been sensing all along - she is uncomfortable with your constant presence in her life and possibly scared. I wouldnt have taken my eyes off of you either. Leave the girl alone and stay away from her. She doesnt want you in her life and no matter how many times you try to justify why you cant leave her alone it just doesnt add up. You are forcing yourself into her life by any means necessary.

A stalker will pull you in with charm or help, then try to control you, then never leave you alone.

rahsue

I think its great that you are not allowing her to enter your world.
Here's a thought though,
if she is talking smack about you and staring that may not stop there. If she gets fired or when, she will no doubt blame you and pretty soon the stalking could begin and lies about what you are doing to her could start. ect ect ect.
so when I say stay away from that bar it would be for your own future piece of mind.

just a thought