vtsister

Hi, folks...

My alcoholic brother was recently given an ultimatum by his boss--either enter rehab, or get fired--so my brother checked into a residential program last weekend. (The drama with him has been ever-escalating recently. A couple of weeks ago he was so bad we had to call the police on him because we were afraid he'd hurt himself or someone else.)

He asked my sister to bring him some books and slippers, and since he lives with us, I went downstairs to get them for her to take to him.

When I went into his bedroom to get his slippers, I couldn't believe my eyes--there on his desk, sitting right in the open, was a bunch of pot sitting on a scale, some plastic bags, a pot pipe...!

My husband and I do not condone drugs, do not use them, do not want them on our property.

I'm so angry. All I want to do right now is pack up his things, change the locks, and tell him to find another place to live.

But he's just barely started rehab for his drinking, so now what do I do?

We've had other issues with him before. When he asked if he could stay with us, it was supposed to be "temporary", for "a few months", until he "got back on his feet". Well, it's been over two years now, and he hasn't done anything to improve his situation. (Here's some background from our earlier problems with him.)

Today was the LAST STRAW as far as I'm concerned. We've done everything we could to help him, and then look what he does.

Has anyone ever had to tell an alcoholic family member they needed to leave? How did you go about it? I think he needs to be told before he leaves rehab so that he'll have support to find another place to live. I know he's going to be very upset, but I've had enough.

Should I let him come out of rehab and give him a chance to pack his own things to get out, or should I do that right now and have them waiting for him? I'm afraid that if I let him come back here, I'll never get him out of here, and this time, he really NEEDS to go.

Live

I suggest immediately disposing of the pot and paraphenalia. You probably all ready have.

vtsister

Thank you, Liveweyerd, I did.

Also, I forgot to write earlier that, even though I'm angry now and want him out, I also feel bad that he's not going to get to stay with us any more. I worry about where he'll go, whether he'll be able to find a decent place, etc.

I'm also such a big chicken--I don't even know how to approach my brother to tell him he can't live here any more. My sister has offered to mention it tomorrow when she visits him, but it shouldn't have to be her responsibility to do that.

I don't know if I should write him a letter and mail it to him at rehab, or what. I'm not very good with face to face confrontations, assertiveness, or whatever it is that I need to have when dealing with him.

He's very good at getting us to feel sorry for him, and of course I do.

Live

I like letters, that way I can organize my words and edit AND not get sidetracked.
Since the illegal drugs were in YOUR house, you would be legally liable. I always explain my strict (LOL) rules from that perspective.

vtsister

That's what makes me so angry about this. He put US at risk with his stupid behaviors!

I guess I'm also looking for reassurance that making him leave is our only option...?

I don't trust him any more after this. It was stressful enough when I thought he was just drinking.

prodigal

Perhaps you should discuss this with his counselors at the rehab. They may be able to recommend some halfway houses for those new to recovery. I've known several AA'ers who have gone that route after leaving rehab.

The counselors may be willing to sit in with you if you decide to discuss this option with him.

He's been living with you for over two years? I'd say his "short time" has worn out its welcome and he's officially taking advantage of you.

Mr B

vtsister, I'm sorry that your brother has been so monumentally selfish and disrespectful of you and your home. I think if I found myself in your shoes, then once I'd peeled myself off the ceiling in shock and outrage, I'd send a very brief letter along the lines of "We found items on the desk in your room that are completely unacceptable to us in our home. Those items have been disposed of. The rest of your possessions will be made available to you with prior notice. You are no longer welcome here. We wish you well in your recovery."

Get rid of the drugs, box up the rest of his stuff, store it in the garage and change the locks. If your brother starts complaining, tell him you've done him his last favour by getting rid of the pot yourself rather than taking it to the police. I'd not bother raising it with his rehab counsellors unless you really want to. Your brother got himself into this mess, give him the space to get himself out of it.

All the best,
Mr B.

Chrysalis123

Do you think he would feel bad if you were arrested because he was selling illegal drugs out of your home? Would he worry about where you would live? Would he try to help you out? Would he feel sorry for you if you lost your home because of his actions?

Barbara52

You're brother is a big boy who needs to deal with the natural consequences of hic bad choices. I sure as heck wouldn't allow my brother to live with me after finding the drug paraphenalia. The rehab place will be glad to help him find a suitable living place when he leaves rehab.

Freedom1990

When my oldest addict daughter brought drugs into my home, she stormed out the door as I went to call the police. I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her, end of story.

If you believe in God or a higher power, then there is no reason to believe that God or a higher power isn't there for your brother too, no?

It's not your job to take care of him.

vtsister

This really struck me, and I would have to answer no, no, no, and no. He only and always thinks of HIMSELF and what will be to HIS advantage.

This was my first reaction after finding the stuff in his room, yet I spent the night still wondering about whether or not I REALLY need to tell him to leave. Crazy, huh?

Yes, I am a believer, and I do pray that the Lord will watch over and take care of my brother. If only I could get it out of my head that it's not my responsibility to take care of him too.

vtsister

My brother has been calling one of my other sisters all week, wanting her to bring his young son to rehab to visit him today. Our family is simply exhausted right now from being drawn into my brother's constant drama, which has been particularly constant the last few weeks. It seems as if all of our weekends lately have been used up by us running around, trying to put out his "fires".

My sister works a very intense job with long hours, and it would be nice if she could have a day of rest today, yet she feels guilty that she'd like to rest and take care of her own home today rather than spending the day bringing our nephew to rehab to visit our brother. It's not that she won't do it; she just feels bad that she'd prefer to have one weekend day to herself out of the last several we've spent tangled up with my brother's issues and acting out.

How did you overcome guilt feelings like this when dealing with your own alcoholic family members?

vtsister

Yes, this fall would make it three years. After several months, when I realized that he had gotten pretty well settled in, and wasn't making any effort to find another place, I just accepted the idea that we now had my brother permanently sharing our house with us.

Except for the times when he'd make me nervous by not paying his share of the expenses, and when he was acting out and causing us stress too, I really enjoyed having him here, and wish it could have continued. I really don't want him to have to find another place, but I guess I really have no choice at this point, not when his actions put us at risk.

Mr. B, your whole message spoke very strongly to me. I just wish I had the guts to handle the matter in this way.

I'm not able to tell my brother face to face that he has to leave here, so I will have to send a letter.

Even though I was so angry yesterday when I discovered the pot in his room, I don't think I have it in me, really, to box up all his belongings before he gets out of rehab.

I was even thinking about going down to look through his rooms to see if he had anything else illegal there, but I feel like that would be a huge invasion of his privacy and just can't bring myself to do it.

I'm angry that he's put me between a rock and a hard place here.

vtsister

I woke up off and on throughout the night, wondering if, now that he's in rehab, should I give him one more chance and let him continue living here?

When he was drinking heavily, he must have been so messed up that he wasn't even thinking about how he shouldn't have pot in here, let alone leaving a bunch of it sitting in plain sight.

By throwing him out, am I already sending the message that I don't believe he can stay sober/clean? Will I wreck his fresh sobriety by making him move out of our house?

I'm struggling with being the "bad guy" here. My brother has burned his bridges with everyone else in the family. At one time or another, he's stayed with every single one of us. This is actually his second stay with us. There aren't any more family members willing to have him move in with them.

My brother is in his late 40s, yet here I am, worrying about what will happen to him if he can't live here. I know it's stupid, but I even worry about how much inconvenience I'm causing him by making him move in the middle of winter, when he's just coming out of rehab.

Barbara52

Would that make a difference if/when you end in jail for having a drug dealer living in your home?

What message do you send by rescuing him again? That he is not really an adult capable of taking care of hiself and dealing with the consequences of his actions.

What message do you send to your immediate family by taking him back in? that your brother and his needs/wants are more important than your spouse and children. Is that the message you want them to receive?


Are you the "bad guy" because you want to take care of yourself and your family? When did that become "bad?"


Sounds like they have learned to set come healthy boundaries. Good for them.

Just how long do you think you should inconvenience yourself, your spouse, your children for this adult who can and will find his own way when you stop rescuing him?

resentful wife

When do you start to let him grow up and own up?
When do you stop making excuse's for him?
What if you do let him come back and he lose's his job anyway?
Are you prepared to have a drunk,dope dealing, and unemployed grown man living with you?
IMHO it's time you stop saying "Poor Him" and start saying "For Me and my Family" it's way past time.

Linda

vtsister

Boy, Barbara, you are so right-about all those things! Yes, it seems that the rest of my family has been able to set boundaries and tell my brother no way could he move in with them again. Now I just need to learn to set mine.

jaguarpcb

He's already out of your house. Now you need to decide if you'll let him back in after he put you and your family in danger.

I think that's a great idea.

You do have the right to protect your home and family. You are under absolutely no obligation to let this able bodies adult man endanger your home, your family, or your serenity.

vtsister

A couple of you have mentioned that you would pack your brother's things, change the locks, and let him arrange a time to come get his stuff.

From experience I know that once my brother gets his foot in the door, it's nearly impossible to get him to move out.

Though my mind tells me that it would probably work best for me to pack most of his stuff to have it ready to go for him, my sad-to-see-him-go side is wondering if that would be the correct way to handle this.

Will somebody please reassure me that it's ok to do this, that he really did blow his last chance with us and now needs to bear the consequences of his choices, and that I'm not "bad" for packing him up and changing the locks?

Doing this would be so out of character for me that it's going to blindside him to learn that he hasn't got a home here to come back to.

Barbara52

Think of it this way: You were living in someone else's home and are forced into rehab by someone. while you are gone, the home owner finds out you were dealing drugs from their home. What would you expect the home owner to do? If they kicked you out (and I am sure they would) would that make them a "bad" person? Or does it make them someone who won't tolerate iillegal behavior, someone who won't put their family and home at risk? Or do you think they would come up with multiple excuse as to why they had to let you move back in with them?

BTW, you have no idea at this point in time whether your brother is serious about recovery. He didn't go to rehab because he realized he needed help. He went because someone made that decision for him. THe success rate of those who go to rehab because others make them is not real high.