Yikes.
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Yikes.
I'm literally one step away from moving in with my alcoholic friend... Everything is telling me not to, why am I about to?
I know it will be a horrible, manipulative life.... what the @$#! am I doing?!?
I almost feel like something is forcing me to do this when I don't want to..... It's my own self though!
Can anyone relate to this???
I know it will be a horrible, manipulative life.... what the @$#! am I doing?!?
I almost feel like something is forcing me to do this when I don't want to..... It's my own self though!
Can anyone relate to this???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
yes. and i really am trying to sort out how i really feel. will i be able to keep my boundaries? will i have an escape plan??????????? will he get better? should i discuss my boundaries first as to what i can live with and cannot? i am sorry i am of no help, but i look forward to hearing what others will suggest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Perhaps you are where I was just before I married my now xAH. I wish I had not done it. I wish my friends had been brave enough to say something to me. Maybe it would have woke me up to what I was stepping into. So I will say to you what I wish someone had said to me back then:
DON't DO IT! What are you thinking? You know he's an alcoholic! You know what that means your life will be! You know that sooner or later you will wake up and realize you made a mistake and wish it had been otherwise. Why are you even thinking of willingly putting yourself in the postion of ruining yourself emotionally, physically and financially for a man you know is an alcoholic not interested in finding sobriety? DON'T DO IT!
Now let me say, it's your life. You will do what you will do regardless of what anyone says or thinks. But if you choose to move in with this person, do it with your eyes open, with awareness that you are responsible for your choices, with awareness of what life with an active alcoholic truly is like. Do not pretend to yourself that you will be different, that you will control, change and cure this person. If you do it, do it knowing you are choosing to enter a new stage of madness, willfully and with forkowledge of what it will mean.
Or don't.
DON't DO IT! What are you thinking? You know he's an alcoholic! You know what that means your life will be! You know that sooner or later you will wake up and realize you made a mistake and wish it had been otherwise. Why are you even thinking of willingly putting yourself in the postion of ruining yourself emotionally, physically and financially for a man you know is an alcoholic not interested in finding sobriety? DON'T DO IT!
Now let me say, it's your life. You will do what you will do regardless of what anyone says or thinks. But if you choose to move in with this person, do it with your eyes open, with awareness that you are responsible for your choices, with awareness of what life with an active alcoholic truly is like. Do not pretend to yourself that you will be different, that you will control, change and cure this person. If you do it, do it knowing you are choosing to enter a new stage of madness, willfully and with forkowledge of what it will mean.
Or don't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
I do recognise that kind of feeling. For me it wasn't so much the step of moving in with my ex but a dozen, a hundred other things that had my gut instinct screaming "Nooo!!!!" but my heart making me say "Yes".
For me, part of that was driven by hope. I hoped that my rational side's view of what the likely outcome would be would turn out to be wrong. Instead, I'd hope that everything would end up being fine and I'd get my heart's wish for "happy ever after".
As time has gone on, though, I think there was a great deal of fear driving my choices, too. Partly it was a fear of saying "No" for a particular reason and then that reason turning out to be somehow invalid. A lot of it, though, was a fear of confrontation, a fear of simply standing up and saying "You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want to do that any more. Let's do something else." At the time I simply didn't have the self-confidence to regard my opinions as equivalent in worth as the woman I was sharing my life with. What I tried to tell myself at the time was compromise was, in hindsight, more like cowardice. By shying away from confrontation I wasn't being true to myself.
These days I still have those kinds of fears about all sorts of things. I think that's part and parcel of being human. The big difference now is that, first, I listen more carefully to my gut instinct and, second, I make sure I'm aware of exactly what it is I'm afraid of before I make the decision. I'm fearful of entering into a new relationship because of the fear of the unknown and the fear of being hurt again, but I think it's a fear that I'll just have to confront if and when the situation presents itself - not everyone in the world is an abusive alcoholic like my ex.
On the other hand, if I ever knowingly moved in with someone I knew was an actively drinking alcoholic, I'd go and get my head examined. It's one thing to wake up to the reality of alcoholism when one is already in a relationship and then try to work out where you go from there. I can't quite comprehend a decision to make a relationship closer, and for higher stakes, with a known alcoholic when you aren't even clear why you're doing it. But I'm looking at that with the knowledge I have now - ask me that question 20 years ago and I'm not sure what my answer would've been then.
So let me ask you a question. Say you phoned up your friend right now and said "You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want to move in with you. I'm sorry if this causes problems for you but I really don't feel it's the right thing for me." What would happen?
Take care,
Mr B.
For me, part of that was driven by hope. I hoped that my rational side's view of what the likely outcome would be would turn out to be wrong. Instead, I'd hope that everything would end up being fine and I'd get my heart's wish for "happy ever after".
As time has gone on, though, I think there was a great deal of fear driving my choices, too. Partly it was a fear of saying "No" for a particular reason and then that reason turning out to be somehow invalid. A lot of it, though, was a fear of confrontation, a fear of simply standing up and saying "You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want to do that any more. Let's do something else." At the time I simply didn't have the self-confidence to regard my opinions as equivalent in worth as the woman I was sharing my life with. What I tried to tell myself at the time was compromise was, in hindsight, more like cowardice. By shying away from confrontation I wasn't being true to myself.
These days I still have those kinds of fears about all sorts of things. I think that's part and parcel of being human. The big difference now is that, first, I listen more carefully to my gut instinct and, second, I make sure I'm aware of exactly what it is I'm afraid of before I make the decision. I'm fearful of entering into a new relationship because of the fear of the unknown and the fear of being hurt again, but I think it's a fear that I'll just have to confront if and when the situation presents itself - not everyone in the world is an abusive alcoholic like my ex.
On the other hand, if I ever knowingly moved in with someone I knew was an actively drinking alcoholic, I'd go and get my head examined. It's one thing to wake up to the reality of alcoholism when one is already in a relationship and then try to work out where you go from there. I can't quite comprehend a decision to make a relationship closer, and for higher stakes, with a known alcoholic when you aren't even clear why you're doing it. But I'm looking at that with the knowledge I have now - ask me that question 20 years ago and I'm not sure what my answer would've been then.
So let me ask you a question. Say you phoned up your friend right now and said "You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want to move in with you. I'm sorry if this causes problems for you but I really don't feel it's the right thing for me." What would happen?
Take care,
Mr B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Because you don't yet believe -- can't yet visualize -- the magnitude of the suffering you are about to willingly give yourself to.
Or perhaps because somehow you think you deserve that suffering.
Or maybe you think you're a superwoman, and YOU can find the way to make it all better; the rest of us just didn't do it right, that's all.
Or all three.
Unlike (probably) most people in your life, the people here know all too well the devastation you may be about to go through, and are powerless to stop you. Maybe you won't listen until you have your world turned upside down, suffer a few thousand sleepless nights, lose all your money and perhaps your home, go through infidelity, divorce, suicide fears, emotional abuse, stress-induced cancer, and all the rest that can come with living with progressive alcoholism.
I know I didn't listen. Not at all. And you won't either.
I'll say a prayer for you that you don't have to suffer as much as I did before getting out.
Or perhaps because somehow you think you deserve that suffering.
Or maybe you think you're a superwoman, and YOU can find the way to make it all better; the rest of us just didn't do it right, that's all.
Or all three.
Unlike (probably) most people in your life, the people here know all too well the devastation you may be about to go through, and are powerless to stop you. Maybe you won't listen until you have your world turned upside down, suffer a few thousand sleepless nights, lose all your money and perhaps your home, go through infidelity, divorce, suicide fears, emotional abuse, stress-induced cancer, and all the rest that can come with living with progressive alcoholism.
I know I didn't listen. Not at all. And you won't either.
I'll say a prayer for you that you don't have to suffer as much as I did before getting out.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
PowerWithin..
I will ask HP for clarity and guidance for you (and everyone!)
Why the rush anyway? Can't you take some time to learn more and make a decision well informed and 100% sure?
To me you are willingly jailing yourself with the lion.. granted you could always get out if it does not turn out well right?.. just ask around here how easy it is to leave an active alcoholic in denial
I would not wish that hell to my worst enemy, no one deserves that madness and pain. And I was there only a few months, I cannot even imagine years of it. Those months and the ones following have been the worst ever in my entire life. Serenity is certainly NOT going to be there...
Hugs!
I will ask HP for clarity and guidance for you (and everyone!)
Why the rush anyway? Can't you take some time to learn more and make a decision well informed and 100% sure?
To me you are willingly jailing yourself with the lion.. granted you could always get out if it does not turn out well right?.. just ask around here how easy it is to leave an active alcoholic in denial
I would not wish that hell to my worst enemy, no one deserves that madness and pain. And I was there only a few months, I cannot even imagine years of it. Those months and the ones following have been the worst ever in my entire life. Serenity is certainly NOT going to be there...Hugs!
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I wish I had this forum and all the wisdom, guidance and courage that I have found here, 20 years ago before I decided to marry into this disease. The first half of my life certainly could have looked different. Hindsight is 20/20 -- I wish I knew then, what I know now
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
PowerWithin,
You must love your friend or you wouldn't consider making this major change in your life. But love yourself more and follow your gut. The gut don't lie. I think in the long run you'll be happy you did.
Never take your peace and happiness for granted.
You must love your friend or you wouldn't consider making this major change in your life. But love yourself more and follow your gut. The gut don't lie. I think in the long run you'll be happy you did.
Never take your peace and happiness for granted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
I have just joined this forum and in no way do I feel at all qualified to give advice to anyone. However, I must say to you, DON'T TO IT!!
You will not change this person...
Life will not get better, it will not heal on it's own.
You do not have some special power that will make them better.
You will probably find yourself years down the road with children and asking yourself "Why did I make this choice? Why did I choose to waste so many years with this person? How could I have children with this person?" etc., etc., etc...
I wish I had known then what I know now.
Good luck to you!!
You will not change this person...
Life will not get better, it will not heal on it's own.
You do not have some special power that will make them better.
You will probably find yourself years down the road with children and asking yourself "Why did I make this choice? Why did I choose to waste so many years with this person? How could I have children with this person?" etc., etc., etc...
I wish I had known then what I know now.
Good luck to you!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Like you Power, my mind said NO but my heart said YES. I followed my heart until it broke. Literally. From the stress of living with and dealing with my ex boyfriend's drinking.
I'm 48 and my heart is giving out on me--just when I finally stopped giving up on myself. A broken heart is more than just a phrase to express emotional pain and suffering. A broken heart is physical.
I wish I would have loved myself more than I loved Richard. I do now. The emotional pain of losing Richard is waning, but my broken heart remains. Some choices are critical because they involve life and death.
I guess the bottom line is how much do you love yourself?
I'm 48 and my heart is giving out on me--just when I finally stopped giving up on myself. A broken heart is more than just a phrase to express emotional pain and suffering. A broken heart is physical.
I wish I would have loved myself more than I loved Richard. I do now. The emotional pain of losing Richard is waning, but my broken heart remains. Some choices are critical because they involve life and death.
I guess the bottom line is how much do you love yourself?
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Wow you guys are right. I appreciate EVERY post written here.
I told him I wasn't moving in with him, and that I had to stop "liking" him. He made a few sarcastic comments about it, then took a long pause and went to "do something" - when he returned the phone magically died.
There is another girl that reentered into his life recently. A girl from the past. when he was in a drunken stupor, he asked me if he should hook up with her (even though he knew my feelings for him), and now he is saying he is going to move to her state, in her house. I told him I would not be able to be his friend if he was living in this girls house, because I would worry that they were falling in love, and I would be states away without him, etc etc etc.... That is when he invited me to go with him- thus why I created this post. She must be my angel? She must be my escape? He has asked her to take care of him, and she said she'd marry him if he was sober, etc... I was on the phone for all of this. I was watching this girl say and do everything I have been saying and doing.... and I felt bad for her to have that life. And now I find myself realizing I am walking into that life WILLINGLY. I am jealous that this girl wants to ruin her life with him too??? I should just let him to move there, fall in love with her, get married, have kids, and watch from afar. My life is meant to be great... and I am only 18- I haven't even experienced the beautiful things of this life, and I'll be damned if I give it up now. My main concern now is, when he calls tonight- will my heart take the wheel, and my gut be thrown in the closet and locked away? Will I forget how I feel now and go back to thinking how happy I'd be as his wife?? ...................... I hope not. Thanks for all the prayers, it means more than you will ever know.
Last night, before I told him I had to stop having feelings for him, he asked how to wean himself off of Tranzine... and I said, I'll give you an example of how to wean yourself. Then I said, "Imagine you like this person, with your whole heart and wanted to be with them for the rest of your life." --he said get to the point-- "And all of a sudden you realize this person isn't right for you.." He mumbled around and said I'll be right back... He stayed gone for at least 10 minutes. When he returned, I broke the news to him...
I realized am supposed to "wean" myself off of him so to speak. It starts with small things, like not signing online anymore... then not always staying up till 5 am talking to him.... then not answering every time he calls... and not having "future talks".. not to mention getting involved in something productive while doing these things. I quit smoking cold turkey, and if I can do that, I can also "quit" this guy.
I am sitting here with a bunch of people who wish they could rewind 20 years of their life.... and if I walk into that same trap, I honestly don't deserve happiness. I am having red flags thrown at me from every direction, and if I don't pay attention to the words from your heart, I would be extremely insane. It is a battle, but I am not giving up. I am not moving in with him, and I MUST erase these feelings I have for him. My life IS more important.... and even though my self esteem isn't that great, I know I am worth much more than settling for an alcoholic who is just looking for a mother/suga-momma figure.
Deep inside myself, I know there is great worth..... I know it even though I can't see it, and that will be a key to me taking the right step and leaving the wrong step for this other woman. If I can successfully break this cycle before it gets too deep, being a young person who has no self esteem, and has never felt love…etc..wow... The odds are like 1 to 324,329,932,934, to be able to press forward. I can do it if I let God lead, and I listen to the advice of those who have walked these streets before me.
Thanks again, you are all a blessing and you truly don’t realize how much your words are impacting my life.
I told him I wasn't moving in with him, and that I had to stop "liking" him. He made a few sarcastic comments about it, then took a long pause and went to "do something" - when he returned the phone magically died.
There is another girl that reentered into his life recently. A girl from the past. when he was in a drunken stupor, he asked me if he should hook up with her (even though he knew my feelings for him), and now he is saying he is going to move to her state, in her house. I told him I would not be able to be his friend if he was living in this girls house, because I would worry that they were falling in love, and I would be states away without him, etc etc etc.... That is when he invited me to go with him- thus why I created this post. She must be my angel? She must be my escape? He has asked her to take care of him, and she said she'd marry him if he was sober, etc... I was on the phone for all of this. I was watching this girl say and do everything I have been saying and doing.... and I felt bad for her to have that life. And now I find myself realizing I am walking into that life WILLINGLY. I am jealous that this girl wants to ruin her life with him too??? I should just let him to move there, fall in love with her, get married, have kids, and watch from afar. My life is meant to be great... and I am only 18- I haven't even experienced the beautiful things of this life, and I'll be damned if I give it up now. My main concern now is, when he calls tonight- will my heart take the wheel, and my gut be thrown in the closet and locked away? Will I forget how I feel now and go back to thinking how happy I'd be as his wife?? ...................... I hope not. Thanks for all the prayers, it means more than you will ever know.
Last night, before I told him I had to stop having feelings for him, he asked how to wean himself off of Tranzine... and I said, I'll give you an example of how to wean yourself. Then I said, "Imagine you like this person, with your whole heart and wanted to be with them for the rest of your life." --he said get to the point-- "And all of a sudden you realize this person isn't right for you.." He mumbled around and said I'll be right back... He stayed gone for at least 10 minutes. When he returned, I broke the news to him...
I realized am supposed to "wean" myself off of him so to speak. It starts with small things, like not signing online anymore... then not always staying up till 5 am talking to him.... then not answering every time he calls... and not having "future talks".. not to mention getting involved in something productive while doing these things. I quit smoking cold turkey, and if I can do that, I can also "quit" this guy.
I am sitting here with a bunch of people who wish they could rewind 20 years of their life.... and if I walk into that same trap, I honestly don't deserve happiness. I am having red flags thrown at me from every direction, and if I don't pay attention to the words from your heart, I would be extremely insane. It is a battle, but I am not giving up. I am not moving in with him, and I MUST erase these feelings I have for him. My life IS more important.... and even though my self esteem isn't that great, I know I am worth much more than settling for an alcoholic who is just looking for a mother/suga-momma figure.
Deep inside myself, I know there is great worth..... I know it even though I can't see it, and that will be a key to me taking the right step and leaving the wrong step for this other woman. If I can successfully break this cycle before it gets too deep, being a young person who has no self esteem, and has never felt love…etc..wow... The odds are like 1 to 324,329,932,934, to be able to press forward. I can do it if I let God lead, and I listen to the advice of those who have walked these streets before me.
Thanks again, you are all a blessing and you truly don’t realize how much your words are impacting my life.
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
So I will say to you what I wish someone had said to me back then:
DON't DO IT!
DON't DO IT!
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Mr B
So let me ask you a question. Say you phoned up your friend right now and said "You know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want to move in with you. I'm sorry if this causes problems for you but I really don't feel it's the right thing for me." What would happen?
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Because you don't yet believe -- can't yet visualize -- the magnitude of the suffering you are about to willingly give yourself to.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I know I didn't listen. Not at all. And you won't either.
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Dreamer999
To me you are willingly jailing yourself with the lion..
Hmm, walking into a predictable situation, rather than impossible. I have nothing to prove in a predictable situation, other than I am a complete idiot for stepping into it/ continuing it, knowing what to expect. If I see it as something people tell me will turn out bad and will never work, that it's impossible, I will feel a need to come out on top and prove myself.
Predictable, it is.
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Like you Power, my mind said NO but my heart said YES. I followed my heart until it broke. Literally. From the stress of living with and dealing with my ex boyfriend's drinking.
I'm 48 and my heart is giving out on me--just when I finally stopped giving up on myself. A broken heart is more than just a phrase to express emotional pain and suffering. A broken heart is physical.
I wish I would have loved myself more than I loved Richard. I do now. The emotional pain of losing Richard is waning, but my broken heart remains. Some choices are critical because they involve life and death.
I guess the bottom line is how much do you love yourself?
I'm 48 and my heart is giving out on me--just when I finally stopped giving up on myself. A broken heart is more than just a phrase to express emotional pain and suffering. A broken heart is physical.
I wish I would have loved myself more than I loved Richard. I do now. The emotional pain of losing Richard is waning, but my broken heart remains. Some choices are critical because they involve life and death.
I guess the bottom line is how much do you love yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I too, am someone who can learn from other's experiences. I don't have to stick my hand in every fire to see if each one of them is hot! Yay for you, it's wonderful to love yourslef enough to save yourself some real pain and suffering. And it is real pain and suffering. I choose not to live with my exabf. when he begged to move in last year. Then this year, I had a brief relationship with an exaddict. It was early in his recovery, 5 months clean, and he also wanted to move in with me (I'm starting to think men are after me for my house!). I realized he was just looking for someone to take care of him, and broke it off. Thank goodness I don't have to make every mistake that I think about doing. Neither do you. Some experiences are not worth having! Codie living in is one of them, IMO!
KJ
KJ
..discover it.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by kj3880
I too, am someone who can learn from other's experiences. I don't have to stick my hand in every fire to see if each one of them is hot! Yay for you, it's wonderful to love yourslef enough to save yourself some real pain and suffering. And it is real pain and suffering. I choose not to live with my exabf. when he begged to move in last year. Then this year, I had a brief relationship with an exaddict. It was early in his recovery, 5 months clean, and he also wanted to move in with me (I'm starting to think men are after me for my house!). I realized he was just looking for someone to take care of him, and broke it off. Thank goodness I don't have to make every mistake that I think about doing. Neither do you. Some experiences are not worth having! Codie living in is one of them, IMO!
KJ
KJ
Perhaps they all seem to be after you for your house because the only ones you allow into your life are "house-seekers" so to speak... I say this because I am seeing this reoccurring problem in my life. Once we admit the problem then we can work on it.... I definitely need to stop letting the house-seekers, aka users/needy ones into my life. We are worth so much more, girl!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi PowerWithin...
Wow you sound very wise... congratulations on making your mind up , you are the best!!
Exactly, it is predictable. A drinker will drink, period. It is true, addictive personalities look for someone who is willing to clean up their mess. Love or you have nothing to do with that -- sad but true. In not accepting to take that role you helped him and more importantly you are helping yourself. Trust that God has other plans for you. If you still feel hopeful, remember that it is a disease, that it is progressive and that it may take years for someone in denial to seek recovery - if they ever do. And the Real Love you are seeking does not reside in that place (I believe its closer than you think)
It is a battle indeed but you are doing very well!!
Let us know how you are doing
Wow you sound very wise... congratulations on making your mind up , you are the best!!
Exactly, it is predictable. A drinker will drink, period. It is true, addictive personalities look for someone who is willing to clean up their mess. Love or you have nothing to do with that -- sad but true. In not accepting to take that role you helped him and more importantly you are helping yourself. Trust that God has other plans for you. If you still feel hopeful, remember that it is a disease, that it is progressive and that it may take years for someone in denial to seek recovery - if they ever do. And the Real Love you are seeking does not reside in that place (I believe its closer than you think)
It is a battle indeed but you are doing very well!!
Let us know how you are doing
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