The Toll
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
The Toll
A dear friend was in town today. We are good friends, but I don't get to see her much since I moved back to Boston.
She literally limped into the cafe. Her usually beautiful long black hair was dull, she had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was pale. She has the most brilliant blue eyes, but, wow they were just...weak...and like clouded. We greeted each other really happily etc. Obviously I can't blurt out "You look terrible!"
I knew from the very first time I met her then fiance, that he had a drinking problem. You guys know what I mean, when you've lived with it your whole life you spot it instantly. Before they got married I told her I was very concerned about his drinking and what that might mean for her and their marriage. She was concerned too, but she said he had agreed to cut way down. I told her what I thought about that - and well naturally had to let it go.
Her own father was an alcoholic. She knows how much AlAnon has helped me over the years.
It's just "not for me" she always says. And I always laugh and say - I don't have that luxury, to think I can figure this sh*t out on my own! I can't do it!
Well, 10 years on now. She is doing everything to keep her family afloat. He works, rarely, as a substitute teacher. But he also won't take care of the kids when he isn't working so she pays for a babysitter 5 days a week. She is involved at the kid's school. He is not. She is managing the household finances, keeping the home orderly etc. She is creating a lovely social life for her children and keeping them active.
He stays up every night drinking.
She wakes up in the morning to do the bkfst/school run/get to work routine and he is often just going to bed.
So. Beyond what a really crummy relationship this seems like, beyond the fact that this guy is incapable of even being present emotionally - like if all that is not enough to wake her up - she is literally dying inside. That's why she looks that way. She is being worn down to a nub by this life she has chosen and this albatross around her neck.
Why does she stay?
He was handsome and briliant and charming and sexy when they met.
He was ambitious and full of plans when they met.
He was emotionally available and attentive when they met.
He is none of those things now.
She holds the key - at every minute of every day she holds the key and yet she does not choose to leave her prison.
The prison I refer to is not the marriage - I feel the prison is the denial of what's happening to her because of how she has chosen to handle loving an alcoholic.
I was so upset at the state of her.
I told her I loved her and that I was still going to AlAnon sporadically and that I was still learning new things about myself in that way....she said she was thinking about going back to therapy and that AlAnon just is not for her (she has never been to 1 meeting in her life btw) I agreed therapy would be helpful to her.
Here is a woman who is already paying for and organizing everything - so why doesn't she get help?
We often fool ourselves that money is what would make all the difference. I look at my friend and I know it is just not as simple as that and not having money can work as a handy excuse....
Ugh. I just had the worst saddest feeling after lunch. I realized after she left it was the same feeling I had the day I had to finally accept the seriousness of my brothers alcoholism- I had to sadly acknowledge that yes they might die, today, or kill some innocent person while driving, or end up in jail or any number of low places due to their alcoholism.
But this was the first time I saw in the eyes of a F&F of alcoholics that living with alcoholism is killing her. All the glorious light that used to shine from her eyes.....ugh. She IS as sick as the addict.
I just want to bombard her with evidence of how sick she is....like scan some old pictures of us and then put the snap we took today beside it and send it to her...again with an expectation....a huge unhealthy expectation that that will be the thing - that I have the power to make her go "OH YES!" And then everything will be made right again.
Why?
Because she was assertive and smart when we met.
Because she cared about her appearance and was always effortlessly stylish when we met.
Because she was not a martyr when we met.
Because she was happy when we met.
Becasue she had big plans for her beautiful life when we met.
*sigh*
The past is gone. These are her choices.
I am just having one of those days you guys, where all the damage done by alcohol to people in my life is just TOO MUCH to bear. I am so sick of it. I am so tired of dealing with it. I am angry at the pain I feel......
-b
She literally limped into the cafe. Her usually beautiful long black hair was dull, she had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was pale. She has the most brilliant blue eyes, but, wow they were just...weak...and like clouded. We greeted each other really happily etc. Obviously I can't blurt out "You look terrible!"
I knew from the very first time I met her then fiance, that he had a drinking problem. You guys know what I mean, when you've lived with it your whole life you spot it instantly. Before they got married I told her I was very concerned about his drinking and what that might mean for her and their marriage. She was concerned too, but she said he had agreed to cut way down. I told her what I thought about that - and well naturally had to let it go.
Her own father was an alcoholic. She knows how much AlAnon has helped me over the years.
It's just "not for me" she always says. And I always laugh and say - I don't have that luxury, to think I can figure this sh*t out on my own! I can't do it!
Well, 10 years on now. She is doing everything to keep her family afloat. He works, rarely, as a substitute teacher. But he also won't take care of the kids when he isn't working so she pays for a babysitter 5 days a week. She is involved at the kid's school. He is not. She is managing the household finances, keeping the home orderly etc. She is creating a lovely social life for her children and keeping them active.
He stays up every night drinking.
She wakes up in the morning to do the bkfst/school run/get to work routine and he is often just going to bed.
So. Beyond what a really crummy relationship this seems like, beyond the fact that this guy is incapable of even being present emotionally - like if all that is not enough to wake her up - she is literally dying inside. That's why she looks that way. She is being worn down to a nub by this life she has chosen and this albatross around her neck.
Why does she stay?
He was handsome and briliant and charming and sexy when they met.
He was ambitious and full of plans when they met.
He was emotionally available and attentive when they met.
He is none of those things now.
She holds the key - at every minute of every day she holds the key and yet she does not choose to leave her prison.
The prison I refer to is not the marriage - I feel the prison is the denial of what's happening to her because of how she has chosen to handle loving an alcoholic.
I was so upset at the state of her.
I told her I loved her and that I was still going to AlAnon sporadically and that I was still learning new things about myself in that way....she said she was thinking about going back to therapy and that AlAnon just is not for her (she has never been to 1 meeting in her life btw) I agreed therapy would be helpful to her.
Here is a woman who is already paying for and organizing everything - so why doesn't she get help?
We often fool ourselves that money is what would make all the difference. I look at my friend and I know it is just not as simple as that and not having money can work as a handy excuse....
Ugh. I just had the worst saddest feeling after lunch. I realized after she left it was the same feeling I had the day I had to finally accept the seriousness of my brothers alcoholism- I had to sadly acknowledge that yes they might die, today, or kill some innocent person while driving, or end up in jail or any number of low places due to their alcoholism.
But this was the first time I saw in the eyes of a F&F of alcoholics that living with alcoholism is killing her. All the glorious light that used to shine from her eyes.....ugh. She IS as sick as the addict.
I just want to bombard her with evidence of how sick she is....like scan some old pictures of us and then put the snap we took today beside it and send it to her...again with an expectation....a huge unhealthy expectation that that will be the thing - that I have the power to make her go "OH YES!" And then everything will be made right again.
Why?
Because she was assertive and smart when we met.
Because she cared about her appearance and was always effortlessly stylish when we met.
Because she was not a martyr when we met.
Because she was happy when we met.
Becasue she had big plans for her beautiful life when we met.
*sigh*
The past is gone. These are her choices.
I am just having one of those days you guys, where all the damage done by alcohol to people in my life is just TOO MUCH to bear. I am so sick of it. I am so tired of dealing with it. I am angry at the pain I feel......
-b
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
If it makes you feel any better, Bernadette, I was once your friend. My life was nearly exactly as you describe hers. I hope she does go to therapy--it was the first step out of my denial. I hung on so long because I had a dream of how it could be. I thought if I stuck it out long enough, it would be. My therapist helped me see that my marriage was not going to turn out the way I wanted it to, no matter how long I hung in there.
There is always hope. I hope your friend finds and listens to someone wise like I did.
L
There is always hope. I hope your friend finds and listens to someone wise like I did.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
B,
I am sorry about your friend.
Like Lateeda I was like your friend. I am still coming out of it and it is taking months. Months of distance, months of therapy, months of lonliness and reflection to figure out how I got here and figure out how to be myself again. I think that it will end up taking years, but with each passing month I am growing stronger and realizing more about myself.
People once warned me not to date L, and I resisted as he was so charming and this would never happen to us. People questioned me while we were dating about how I was doing as I began to isolate. I ignored them and said that we were fine and he was doing great. Until I was forced to deal with our unhealthy situation head on, I never listened to anyone. I remember what people said, but I was in denial about the seriousness of it. I truly believed it would change.
As for your friend, you can talk until you are blue in the face, but unless she is ready to admit something is wrong, you won't be snapping her out of it all the sudden. You might alienate her in the process and then later not be around to help her when she is ready for a change/help, if that is what you want to do.
Just my two cents. I am sorry for your friend.
I am sorry about your friend.
Like Lateeda I was like your friend. I am still coming out of it and it is taking months. Months of distance, months of therapy, months of lonliness and reflection to figure out how I got here and figure out how to be myself again. I think that it will end up taking years, but with each passing month I am growing stronger and realizing more about myself.
People once warned me not to date L, and I resisted as he was so charming and this would never happen to us. People questioned me while we were dating about how I was doing as I began to isolate. I ignored them and said that we were fine and he was doing great. Until I was forced to deal with our unhealthy situation head on, I never listened to anyone. I remember what people said, but I was in denial about the seriousness of it. I truly believed it would change.
As for your friend, you can talk until you are blue in the face, but unless she is ready to admit something is wrong, you won't be snapping her out of it all the sudden. You might alienate her in the process and then later not be around to help her when she is ready for a change/help, if that is what you want to do.
Just my two cents. I am sorry for your friend.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(((bernadette))))
As sad as it is, we must....step away from the codependent.
I think you are wonderful for broaching options with her. And if you have contact again, you may even refer her to this site.
But....she must walk this road herself. As LTD says, it is too early to write her off. We all find our bottom at different times, and for different reasons.
Please don't be angry at yourself for committing the crime of Feeling.
As sad as it is, we must....step away from the codependent.
I think you are wonderful for broaching options with her. And if you have contact again, you may even refer her to this site.
But....she must walk this road herself. As LTD says, it is too early to write her off. We all find our bottom at different times, and for different reasons.
Please don't be angry at yourself for committing the crime of Feeling.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
((((Bernadette)))))......Thank you for sharing. It helps me see what my friends are seeing in me. Some have been able to be brutally honest (which I so appreciate), with some I can just see it in their eyes. You are a true friend to this person and she is so lucky to have you.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I too have been (am) your friend. Your wonderfully touching post has helped me to realize how helpless some of the people in my life have felt over the years. I remember telling my closest friend, as she was frantically attempting to get me to "see the light" that I didn't need her to tell me what to do and judge me for doing it. I needed her to support me no matter what my decisions where. It was what I needed.
She will figure it out in her own time -- in the mean time, you've done all you can do.
Give yourself a much deserved hug for being a great friend to her.
She will figure it out in her own time -- in the mean time, you've done all you can do.
Give yourself a much deserved hug for being a great friend to her.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
There's a saying that goes 'round Al-Anon that it is a program of attraction, rather than promotion.
I _do_ have the power to make people "go oh yes". But that awareness does not come in _my time_. My power is the power of patience and attraction. When _I_ keep myself sane by working my recovery it is _me_ that becomes the attraction. It is my _life_ that becomes the "power" with which to reach others. They see how I live my life in spite of my challenges and that is what they find attractive.
Some day your friend will remember how good _you_ looked. How wonderful _your_ life is, and she will remember what you said about al-anon. Then she may go to a meeting all on her own, and you may never know that she did.
That is when the power of recovery takes hold. Not when _I_ want it to. Not on _my_ schedule. Recovery happens when the other person is ready. My job is simply to be an example of what they _could_ have in their life if they choose to.
Bernadette, I think you did just fine. I think you have helped your friend far more than you will ever know.
Mike
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
...I just want to bombard her with evidence of how sick she is....like scan some old pictures of us and then put the snap we took today beside it and send it to her...again with an expectation....a huge unhealthy expectation that that will be the thing - that I have the power to make her go "OH YES!" And then everything will be made right again.......
Some day your friend will remember how good _you_ looked. How wonderful _your_ life is, and she will remember what you said about al-anon. Then she may go to a meeting all on her own, and you may never know that she did.
That is when the power of recovery takes hold. Not when _I_ want it to. Not on _my_ schedule. Recovery happens when the other person is ready. My job is simply to be an example of what they _could_ have in their life if they choose to.
Bernadette, I think you did just fine. I think you have helped your friend far more than you will ever know.
Mike
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Thanks everyone for responding.
It's good for me to imagine that some of you were once like her - that is helpful, makes me feel a little hopeful since I am always amazed at the stories people share of the strides they are making in their lives..
She has really been brought low by this insanity...
I am just really really devastated from this visit. I've been grasping at all my old standby tools to stop obsessing and let go and just pray for her....but I'm just struggling right now one minute at a time...
She was such a beautiful spirit. It's so much like my brothers who I used to look at and for a while I could fool myself that the "old" bro was still in there somewhere under all the alcohol... and then I finally had to let that fantasy go and mourn the loss...it's just been like flashback feeling all day like that.
And there was something in her eyes and I had this horrible sensation that: the way she looks is how I felt as a kid....I keep imagining what she is going home to tonight.... blechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It really is like flashbacks.
b.
It's good for me to imagine that some of you were once like her - that is helpful, makes me feel a little hopeful since I am always amazed at the stories people share of the strides they are making in their lives..
She has really been brought low by this insanity...
I am just really really devastated from this visit. I've been grasping at all my old standby tools to stop obsessing and let go and just pray for her....but I'm just struggling right now one minute at a time...
She was such a beautiful spirit. It's so much like my brothers who I used to look at and for a while I could fool myself that the "old" bro was still in there somewhere under all the alcohol... and then I finally had to let that fantasy go and mourn the loss...it's just been like flashback feeling all day like that.
And there was something in her eyes and I had this horrible sensation that: the way she looks is how I felt as a kid....I keep imagining what she is going home to tonight.... blechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It really is like flashbacks.
b.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
People choose the problems they want to deal with. I guess the insanity of living with an alcoholic is easier for her right now, than dealing with the problems within her. She is choosing this life and it must be working for her and she will keep going, until it is no longer working.
Over the last three months, my husband has been drunk once. Prior to that, his drinking had escalated to being drunk 5 nights a week. The last three months have not been some happy fantasy. He is going through withdrawl and is pretty raw. However he is not exploding into anger and has been dealing with life a whole lot better. He is going to AA, I am going to Al-Anon.
Well after years of being depression free whilst I was lurching from one alcohol crisis to the next, all the while running a household, raising children, studying for a PhD, NOW that life is relatively sane, my depression has come back. NOW, the household is a mess, and my PhD has been untouched for three months. The big plus is that the children are doing well in a sober environment. And before people think that the depression is as a result of some post traumatic stress from living with an alcoholic, it isn't. It is the same s**t that I've been dealing with from childhood. Anyway, I intend to see someone about it.
Over the last three months, my husband has been drunk once. Prior to that, his drinking had escalated to being drunk 5 nights a week. The last three months have not been some happy fantasy. He is going through withdrawl and is pretty raw. However he is not exploding into anger and has been dealing with life a whole lot better. He is going to AA, I am going to Al-Anon.
Well after years of being depression free whilst I was lurching from one alcohol crisis to the next, all the while running a household, raising children, studying for a PhD, NOW that life is relatively sane, my depression has come back. NOW, the household is a mess, and my PhD has been untouched for three months. The big plus is that the children are doing well in a sober environment. And before people think that the depression is as a result of some post traumatic stress from living with an alcoholic, it isn't. It is the same s**t that I've been dealing with from childhood. Anyway, I intend to see someone about it.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
(((bernadette))))
I am so sorry
I really am...this was an incredibly important "share" though, and like Mike says "Attraction, not Promotion", Like LTD says, it may be too early to write her off, we never know how we impact others, and as was mentioned, just how you looked and conducted yourself may yet have helped her immeasurably.
Like Givelove says, be gentle with yourself for the "crime" of being upset...
Your share here may help others immeasurably, by seeing it from the outside, you were able to "paint a picture" that others may be able to see themselves in that canvas, and say, "Yes, I used to be all those things too, funny, witty, vivacious, now I too have dull lifeless eyes, ...I need help."
Your friend (and you) may have just impacted many lives by this share, and that's an incredible gift that this program and these forums give us.
I was "The Speaker" at a meeting tonight, and afterwards I went to dinner with the secretary, her sig other, and a few other people.
There were a few newly sober alcoholics (less then a year) and their alanoner bf/gf's at the table with us.
The untreated alcoholism (even though they were "sober") and codependency at the table was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It was like sitting at a table of untreated insanity.
Everyone was loving and kind, but as I drew these people out in conversation their addictive thinking and codependency became increasingly apparent.
On my way there, and during my "Pitch" I was certain I had nothing to offer, even afterwards when I was being thanked by dozens of people that stood in a line to say thank you, I felt that they were just being polite.
After listening to a few hours of dinner conversation, I realized I had a LOT to offer, that I brought a LOT to the table.
I hope you can see you bring the same thing to the table with your friend, as I brought to the dinner table this evening.
Recovery.
Real Recovery. Experience Strength and Hope.
Recovery from Codependency.
Recovery is VERY attractive Bernadette, don't sell yourself short.
We are truly blessed that it wasn't us with the dead eyes, and the untreated codependency, and the "contempt prior to investigation" because at some point in our past, it was us, or neither of us would be here today.
She may or may not "get it" although the feeling I get is she will "get it" at some point, in my experience it sounds to me as if she is approaching her bottom, and denial is usually deepest before the dawn...I hope that it's true.
Thank You for this extremely important share Bernadette, and I just hope you can use it as a form of the tenth step to measure your own progress.
(((bernadette))))
I am so sorry
I really am...this was an incredibly important "share" though, and like Mike says "Attraction, not Promotion", Like LTD says, it may be too early to write her off, we never know how we impact others, and as was mentioned, just how you looked and conducted yourself may yet have helped her immeasurably.
Like Givelove says, be gentle with yourself for the "crime" of being upset...
Your share here may help others immeasurably, by seeing it from the outside, you were able to "paint a picture" that others may be able to see themselves in that canvas, and say, "Yes, I used to be all those things too, funny, witty, vivacious, now I too have dull lifeless eyes, ...I need help."
Your friend (and you) may have just impacted many lives by this share, and that's an incredible gift that this program and these forums give us.
I was "The Speaker" at a meeting tonight, and afterwards I went to dinner with the secretary, her sig other, and a few other people.
There were a few newly sober alcoholics (less then a year) and their alanoner bf/gf's at the table with us.
The untreated alcoholism (even though they were "sober") and codependency at the table was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It was like sitting at a table of untreated insanity.
Everyone was loving and kind, but as I drew these people out in conversation their addictive thinking and codependency became increasingly apparent.
On my way there, and during my "Pitch" I was certain I had nothing to offer, even afterwards when I was being thanked by dozens of people that stood in a line to say thank you, I felt that they were just being polite.
After listening to a few hours of dinner conversation, I realized I had a LOT to offer, that I brought a LOT to the table.
I hope you can see you bring the same thing to the table with your friend, as I brought to the dinner table this evening.
Recovery.
Real Recovery. Experience Strength and Hope.
Recovery from Codependency.
Recovery is VERY attractive Bernadette, don't sell yourself short.
We are truly blessed that it wasn't us with the dead eyes, and the untreated codependency, and the "contempt prior to investigation" because at some point in our past, it was us, or neither of us would be here today.
She may or may not "get it" although the feeling I get is she will "get it" at some point, in my experience it sounds to me as if she is approaching her bottom, and denial is usually deepest before the dawn...I hope that it's true.
Thank You for this extremely important share Bernadette, and I just hope you can use it as a form of the tenth step to measure your own progress.
(((bernadette))))
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 14
Sometimes it does just seem like less of a hassle to just stay, anyway that's how it feels for me right now. I'm lucky my kids are grown, and it's just me having to deal with it right now. Actually, that's not true I guess, whenever they call me that ask how "dad" is doing and when I'm going to leave. My friends and family are all waiting to help me and even pay for my divorce when I finally drum up whatever it is that it takes to leave and start my life over.
Thanks to all of you "friends". We need you by our sides!
I'm so glad I found this site, thanks for sharing so honestly.
Thanks to all of you "friends". We need you by our sides!
I'm so glad I found this site, thanks for sharing so honestly.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I know it is hard to see someone you care about suffering especially when you know what can help.
I know for me, I invisioned going to Al-anon a whole year before I actually walked through the door. Sometimes I wish I would have gone sooner. I guess that was when I was ready and I got there right on time
You never know maybe her therapist will reccomend she give meetings a try.
If you feel compelled to "do" something, maybe you could give her a book. But even so, it is up to her if she'll read it.
((())))
I know for me, I invisioned going to Al-anon a whole year before I actually walked through the door. Sometimes I wish I would have gone sooner. I guess that was when I was ready and I got there right on time
You never know maybe her therapist will reccomend she give meetings a try.
If you feel compelled to "do" something, maybe you could give her a book. But even so, it is up to her if she'll read it.
((())))
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi B.
I too was your friend (YOU have a lot more friends than you realized here ) and it took me finding my rock bottom to come out on the other side.
Today, B., I look better, my hair is shinier and well-kept, my clothes fit nicely (a little snug, actually!) and I smile and laugh every day. I even have a new romance going on in my life with a very straight, average, loving man who is just a joy to be with.
I had to take those steps in MY OWN TIME, Bernadette. And I still occasionally feel the "failure" syndrome creeping up inside me, like I could have changed the path that my exAH was on, somehow. Coming here helps me to remember that I wasn't in control of his decision-making, just my own.
She may come to you someday, she may keep it well-hidden. She may think that YOUR life isn't the same as hers because you weren't married to an A like she is. But she will always know she has a kindred spirit in you, should she decide to reach out. That's about all you can do. Just love her, and let her know you are there should she decide to make the break.
Just don't slip into codependency with this one! You are too cool to go backwards.
I too was your friend (YOU have a lot more friends than you realized here
) and it took me finding my rock bottom to come out on the other side. Today, B., I look better, my hair is shinier and well-kept, my clothes fit nicely (a little snug, actually!) and I smile and laugh every day. I even have a new romance going on in my life with a very straight, average, loving man who is just a joy to be with.
I had to take those steps in MY OWN TIME, Bernadette. And I still occasionally feel the "failure" syndrome creeping up inside me, like I could have changed the path that my exAH was on, somehow. Coming here helps me to remember that I wasn't in control of his decision-making, just my own.
She may come to you someday, she may keep it well-hidden. She may think that YOUR life isn't the same as hers because you weren't married to an A like she is. But she will always know she has a kindred spirit in you, should she decide to reach out. That's about all you can do. Just love her, and let her know you are there should she decide to make the break.
Just don't slip into codependency with this one! You are too cool to go backwards.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Bernadette,
I always love that you call it like you see it; but sometimes it's hard to hear. You see I could be your friend. Like keepwishing2: I know it's time to leave and as I work on it; there seems to always be a cord pulling me back.
Without recovery life with addiction is just crazy and sad. With recovery, for me, sometimes it feel like I'm in quicksand and each move forward is hard won. Your friend will look for recovery (or not) when she hits her own personal bottom; and that's when she'll need you most. I think it's hardest to watch those we love suffer...
I always love that you call it like you see it; but sometimes it's hard to hear. You see I could be your friend. Like keepwishing2: I know it's time to leave and as I work on it; there seems to always be a cord pulling me back.
Without recovery life with addiction is just crazy and sad. With recovery, for me, sometimes it feel like I'm in quicksand and each move forward is hard won. Your friend will look for recovery (or not) when she hits her own personal bottom; and that's when she'll need you most. I think it's hardest to watch those we love suffer...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I'm sorry Bernadette. I have a SIL who is living the same way, and it's very hard not to tell her to get herself to al-anon, get counseling, etc. I can only talk about my experiences, listen, and hope she finds help. She is married to STBXAH's brother. They are 2 peas in a pod, and feed off each other. I am grateful not to be living her life anymore- and I WAS that person too. ~peace
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Because she was assertive and smart when we met.
Because she cared about her appearance and was always effortlessly stylish when we met.
Because she was not a martyr when we met.
Because she was happy when we met.
Becasue she had big plans for her beautiful life when we met.
-b
Because she cared about her appearance and was always effortlessly stylish when we met.
Because she was not a martyr when we met.
Because she was happy when we met.
Becasue she had big plans for her beautiful life when we met.
-b
I am new to this. How/why does this happen? How in the world do I ever get back to the girl I was?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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I am new to this. How/why does this happen? How in the world do I ever get back to the girl I was?
I think it happens because we stay in denial for too long until it becomes unhealthy and our own health suffers. If you love an alcoholic but have no tools and no plan for how you will deal with that and protect your mental health you can become very very sick, mentally and physically. It takes a toll.
You won't be the gal you once were - but if you start taking steps, even baby steps, towards getting YOURSELF strong and healthy you can become the new improved YOU!!
Welcome Marigolds! Stick around - you're not alone!!
peace,
b.
I think it happens because we stay in denial for too long until it becomes unhealthy and our own health suffers. If you love an alcoholic but have no tools and no plan for how you will deal with that and protect your mental health you can become very very sick, mentally and physically. It takes a toll.
You won't be the gal you once were - but if you start taking steps, even baby steps, towards getting YOURSELF strong and healthy you can become the new improved YOU!!
Welcome Marigolds! Stick around - you're not alone!!
peace,
b.
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