Margareta

Hello. Could you help me pls? I need some advice.

I have been married for 5 years. Before I get married I did know that my husband had a problem with alcohol. We are from different countries, we met in my country where he lived for 2 years.

Seven years ago I broke up with him because he got drunk “again” just the night before he was leaving but he cried and begged me not to do that he promised to stop drinking, so we continued with a long distance relationship.

We visited each other every 3 months, he told me that he stopped drinking and I believed him, I know that was my mistake and after 2 years I finally moved to his country to get married. I left everything to do that.

When I got there I realized that he had lied to me, he hadn’t stopped drinking, that made me very upset but the wedding was close and he promised again to leave the alcohol and I guess I wasn’t strong enough to cancel the wedding I also loved him very much. We got married.

Since then we have gone through lots of arguments about the drinking. He has promised me to leave it but he always ends up doing it. He now says that he only promised that because he was under my pressure and he doesn’t really want to stop drinking. He says that he had really horrible childhood experiences and that’s why he drinks. I have asked him to get professional help and we have tried it but he doesn’t believe in “that”.

He also says that he is not satisfied with his professional life and other problems and if those problems are there he will keep drinking. We have been close to divorce several times but we always come back because I love him and I feel guilty for leave him just like that, but when we are fine again I feel angry and manipulated because now I find myself accepting his addiction.

Our last argument was about 2 months ago and we agreed in the fact that he would drink every 10 days, he is more or less doing it, but when he drinks, he drinks a lot, so basically I am allowing his addiction and I hate it.

Tonight he is drinking and I just can’t stand it! I get very bad tempered and even rude sometimes I think that the best thing is to divorce but when we are close to it I become too weak maybe it’s because all I have here is him since I left all my family and friends in my home country. He is a lovely person when he is not drunk.



I thank you in advance for your opinion.

nelco

oh dear this is soooo familiar!!! This could go on and on and on. Unfortunately you are powerless over your husband's drinking. It does not matter how hard you try, what you cook, how you look, if you scream, if you dont scream, the list is endless. I lived with this for years untill I too was chained to the bottle. Resulted in both of us abusing drink for years till it almost killed us. You cannot cure or change your husbands problem but please get help for yourself before you too get extremely sick. I ended up with severe depression and still my husband could not stop. I lay on the floor one night with discs out in my back and asked my husband for help. He wanted to help but he stepped over me to go for a drink first!!! It gets worse never better....(and my husband really did love me) the remorse he felt after that just made him drink more. If you do not want to leave your husband......go to al anon or some support group like that....sometimes when we get into recovery ourselves and change ourselves miracles happen around us...least of all we have support and people who understand. I am an alcoholic in recovery today and my husband is also in recovery...we are very happy and I dont say that lightly. There is life after addiction but it takes a bit of work.
While this may be all true.......it is also blame and enables him to keep drinking.
none of these issues can be dealt with while he is drinking. He is painting over the rust.
So tomorrow he will still have these issues plus plus and he has admitted he will keep drinking while they are there. Well ....they are not going to go away on there own.
No point in you believing the false promises he makes in weak moments....if nothing has changed. You will spend your life waiting for the axe to fall every time he is been "good" and you will feel guilty for not trusting him....but why should you??? look at the history.

He needs to get proper help........but for the moment I strongly suggest you get help and support for yourself
The very best to you....I will be thinking of you...take care X
Your NOT alone!!

timetogo

Welcome Margereta -- I'm sure there will be more who will be along soon with words of courage. I'm fairly new here and am just beginning my journey of leaving my AH (alcoholic husband).

My husband is a really great guy too, when he is not drinking. He is a good provider, fun person -- someone everybody likes -- would do anything for you. He doesn't drink every day, but when he does, it causes great havoc in our household. He has had many problems with the law and has spent a great deal of money on cocaine as well. I have watched while my life has slowly become unmanageable because of his addictions. I have tried everything (including being "very bad tempered and rude") to get through to him.

I have come to realize that no matter what I do, he has got to want to change his behaviours. I have seen no substantial sign of that so I have chosen to end my 27 year relationship with him. It is very difficult -- his family is my family (mine live away from me) and I worry I will lose them. I do have a few great friends that will support me. Do you have any friends that you can trust since you have moved?

I know now that I have "enabled" him to carry on with his disease. I would react by getting mad, that lasts a little while and then everything goes back to status quo until the next time. Nothing ever changed for him -- he still had a wife, children, house, food, warmth. I have now chosen to NOT REACT anymore and let him live with the consequences of his behaviour (easier said than done sometimes!). I WILL NOT cover for him, bail him out, give him money etc. It's the boundaries I have set up.

I believe he has a disease and I always said that "if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave him". But someone said to me here that "if he had cancer, refused to treat it and was emotionally abusive to you -- you would leave". It is a progressive disease that I have watched get worse and worse. If it is not treated, it will continue to get worse. I have made the decision not to watch him self destruct and take me with him. It has changed who I am. I used to spend all my days focussing on how to make him better -- now I have chosen to live my life for me, whether he is drinking or not.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it. Try to focus on YOU and what you need and what you want for your life. I have also learned that I don't have to solve everything all at once. I take it one day at a time -- many baby steps.

Keep coming here, read the "stickies" at the top of the page -- it really helped me. And it really helped me to know that others live like this and I'm not the only one. There are so many here who have "gotten out and moved on with their lives". I try to "borrow" their strength and courage and know that I can do anything I set my mind to do.

We are all here for you, keep coming back

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, Margareta! I want to let you know that you are not alone.

I am very familiar with this kind of haunting, half-guilt regarding a loved one's drinking - this faint thought that my lack of action "allows" my loved one's addiction.

It is a very uncomfortable place to be.

I found it really helpful to learn about the three C's:

You didn't cause his drinking.
You can't cure his drinking.
You can't control his drinking.

It is beyond my scope of power to convince an alcoholic to stop drinking, to cure or control someone elses' alcohol consumption. That's a hard pill to swallow, but, it's also freeing. My loved one's addiction is not my fault. I didn't cause him to suffer from this disease, and it is not my responsibility to fix him.

However, I am not without power (and neither are you) to change MY circumstances. I CAN control the amount of suffering that I endure as a result of my husband's drinking. I CAN take care of myself.

If the compromises (regarding drinking) that you have made with him are not meeting your needs or helping you feel safe, you are 100% within your rights to say, "This isn't doing it for me." There is no reason in the world for you to continue on with this "every 10 days" deal if you feel guilty and angry and short-changed as a result of it. You do not "owe it to him."

I am not a person who can live healthily and happily in a home periodically plagued by drunken irresponsibility. If you aren't able to be healthy and happy in that environment either, consider the steps that you CAN take towards peace.

What are your goals? Where would you like to live? What would you like your home to feel like?

Keeping in mind that nothing you do, say, or threaten can make an alcoholic stop drinking and start behaving in a consistently loving fashion, what could you do for yourself to accomplish your goals?

Take care. I'm glad that you're here.
-TC

MeHandle

Start reading all the threads you can here. They might strengthen you to action.

My advice, you asked for it.( I give having considered the perspective in which you have revealed your thoughts and situation):

Do what you know you want to do and acknowledge upfront the hardship you may encounter as you proceed, and then proceed. I know what you want to do after reading your post. You reveal it. You are not confused. You fear the hardships of doing what you want to do. ( I am going through the hardships now after 21 years married to an AH.)

It should help to:

Examine your options and make a choice. Face the fact that if you would rather stay then deal with your anticipated hardships then you will face the life of marriage with an AH and it will grow worse with time. He has no intention to stop drinking and you have no intention to stop being upset by it. It is obvious you want to leave from your post. You can always start with separation. Your excuse to not do what you want is because you feel guilty. If you remain with him because you feel "guilty" you could be writing this same post 15 years from now.

My other advice would be to examine, right now, the issue of guilt.

Are you "guilty" of how he responds to you leaving?

Are you "guilty" if he is not responsible for himself after you leave?

Are you "guilty" if harm comes to him because of his choices?

Are you "guilty" for his choices?

So now, what is it you would be "guilty" of?

Now ask," Is there any reason I should feel guilty?"

A recovering Alcoholic recently told me if his now ex-wife would have given him "one more chance" he would be dead now. And this is someone who had made efforts to stop drinking.

If you continue to stay where you do not want to be out of misplaced guilt or avoiding facing some hardships, your misery will deaden your spirit, if not your body too. The hardships you would face for leaving look small in comparison to the most likely future hardships you will suffer according to the picture you draw in your post.

Margareta

Dear Nelco, Timetogo, Toughchoices and Mehandle,

Thank you very much to take the time to answer to my post, I really appreciate your advice and I am working on it from now.

I guess I felt lonely because I didn´t really want to tell my problems to anyone because I felt ashamed of going through this situation.

Now, if I will have to work only on me things look a lot easier. I will certainly be around. Thank you very much for your advice.

:ghug

Gold

Dear Margareta
Nothing further to add to the already great posts.
Stick around, read the information here.
Ahh so true.