New Here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
New Here
Hello all,
I am new here as is probably evident by the first post. Where to begin? I found out on Nov 4th that my sister was in jail. I literally got the call from my mother as the movers were pulling our furniture out of the truck from a cross country move (we're a military family). My sister and her "not" husband ( I have never known what to call him.. they aren't married.. but have three children together) had been arrested and were in jail for operating a meth lab. Since then my family has circled the proverbial wagons and has done everything short of sacrificing goats in the backyard to be supportive. Adding tragedy to trouble.. my three nephews are in foster care. Sis is looking at not only the criminal charges for the meth lab, but also 3 counts (one for each child) of severe child abuse/neglect.
This has really come out of the blue for my family. We had NO idea that they were addicts, that they had anything to do with drugs, or anything of this ilk. They had always had problems, and he always seemed to be out of work, but everyone has problems right?
My family is trying our best to find a way to deal with the enormity of all this. I am dealing with varying levels of denial from Mom and Dad. Mom: It's all his fault.. he did this to her!
Dad: She'll beat this and never walk down this road again...
In the meantime I am looking at having to reroute my life to care for my three nephews, (which I will do gladly they are great kids), but I can't help feeling a certain degree of resentment. My husband and I have led good lives, obeyed the law, and raised our child, and now we get to raise hers because of this? We found out about 3 yrs ago that she has a brain tumor, and I told her then that if anything ever happened that we would take the kids. I just never in a million years guessed that the "anything" would be operating a meth lab.
Along with all the feelings of anger, resentment and confusion there's a healthy dose of guilt. How could we have not known? I know all the psycho-babble.. not my fault... I didn't do this.. etc et al, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I suppose it's the difference between rational and reality.
I got to talk to my sister at the jail recently. Between the 12 hours of driving to get there, and generally feeling very out of place at the jail it wasn't the best visit. I told her that I needed to know how long the children had potentially been exposed so that I could inform their pediatrician once we got custody. That's when she dropped the proverbial bomb in my lap. Up til this point I had clung to the "hope" of "maybe it was a one time lack of good sense". She told me they had been doing this for EIGHT yrs! Their oldest son just turned 6. I was floored! Literally I felt like someone had yanked my bones out of my body. She was quick to assure me that she hadn't used while pregnant, and that she never smoked it "around the kids", and all I could see in my head was her tiny apartment and think about the fumes.
I have listened to my Mother agonize over the what if I had done this different, what if we had helped more, what if we had seen.. more times than I can count over the past few months. She has a heart condition, and the strain could literally kill her. My husband, bless him, has seriously gotten tired of my harping. His whole answer to the situation is: "I don't want to really, but I will because it's the right thing to do." when I ask him how he feels about us literally adopting 3 kids under the age of 6.
I am ANGRY. I don't like it, but there it is. I am angry because no one has said a cross word to my sister for fear that she would somehow stop us from getting custody of the children. All she can seem to think about is how HE is, and whether we're mad at HIM. I kid you not the first time I got to talk to her on the phone all she could do was worry about whether we would ever forgive HIM. Yes, I am angry at him, but I am angry at her TOO! She had choices! We all have the choice to do wrong or right.
I distinctly remember sitting across from her with the glass between us while she told me about the "stupid *$#&@" (ie one of the DCS caseworkers) who was there the evening she was arrested. Apparently the lady looked into a bag that had some of the meth in it, and she had an allergic reaction so severe they had to take her to the hospital.
My sister sat there and cussed this poor woman for being "stupid", and that she got what she "deserved". I was, to say the very least, disgusted! She literally sat there cackling over someone's misfortune, and never once showed any kind of remorse. WHO was this woman?! Because she sure as heck wasn't the sister I knew and loved. I fantasize about writing her "that letter". You know the one where I tell her what I really think about the whole kit and kaboodle? I know it's not one I'll probably ever write because it would hurt her, and would likely hurt my mother in the process.
I don't know why I am here. Perhaps a hope that reaching out across the ether I will find someone who has an answer. I don't think that having the answers will make it any easier to bear, but somehow hope that it would make more sense somehow. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel this horrid desolation inside. I don't want to try to figure out how I am going to raise three boys who will probably never know their mother or how I am going to have to find answers to the "hard" questions that I know will come. I want my sister back.. the real sister.. not this awful person she somehow turned into.
Thanks for listening.
I am new here as is probably evident by the first post. Where to begin? I found out on Nov 4th that my sister was in jail. I literally got the call from my mother as the movers were pulling our furniture out of the truck from a cross country move (we're a military family). My sister and her "not" husband ( I have never known what to call him.. they aren't married.. but have three children together) had been arrested and were in jail for operating a meth lab. Since then my family has circled the proverbial wagons and has done everything short of sacrificing goats in the backyard to be supportive. Adding tragedy to trouble.. my three nephews are in foster care. Sis is looking at not only the criminal charges for the meth lab, but also 3 counts (one for each child) of severe child abuse/neglect.
This has really come out of the blue for my family. We had NO idea that they were addicts, that they had anything to do with drugs, or anything of this ilk. They had always had problems, and he always seemed to be out of work, but everyone has problems right?
My family is trying our best to find a way to deal with the enormity of all this. I am dealing with varying levels of denial from Mom and Dad. Mom: It's all his fault.. he did this to her!
Dad: She'll beat this and never walk down this road again...
In the meantime I am looking at having to reroute my life to care for my three nephews, (which I will do gladly they are great kids), but I can't help feeling a certain degree of resentment. My husband and I have led good lives, obeyed the law, and raised our child, and now we get to raise hers because of this? We found out about 3 yrs ago that she has a brain tumor, and I told her then that if anything ever happened that we would take the kids. I just never in a million years guessed that the "anything" would be operating a meth lab.
Along with all the feelings of anger, resentment and confusion there's a healthy dose of guilt. How could we have not known? I know all the psycho-babble.. not my fault... I didn't do this.. etc et al, but it doesn't stop the feeling. I suppose it's the difference between rational and reality.
I got to talk to my sister at the jail recently. Between the 12 hours of driving to get there, and generally feeling very out of place at the jail it wasn't the best visit. I told her that I needed to know how long the children had potentially been exposed so that I could inform their pediatrician once we got custody. That's when she dropped the proverbial bomb in my lap. Up til this point I had clung to the "hope" of "maybe it was a one time lack of good sense". She told me they had been doing this for EIGHT yrs! Their oldest son just turned 6. I was floored! Literally I felt like someone had yanked my bones out of my body. She was quick to assure me that she hadn't used while pregnant, and that she never smoked it "around the kids", and all I could see in my head was her tiny apartment and think about the fumes.
I have listened to my Mother agonize over the what if I had done this different, what if we had helped more, what if we had seen.. more times than I can count over the past few months. She has a heart condition, and the strain could literally kill her. My husband, bless him, has seriously gotten tired of my harping. His whole answer to the situation is: "I don't want to really, but I will because it's the right thing to do." when I ask him how he feels about us literally adopting 3 kids under the age of 6.
I am ANGRY. I don't like it, but there it is. I am angry because no one has said a cross word to my sister for fear that she would somehow stop us from getting custody of the children. All she can seem to think about is how HE is, and whether we're mad at HIM. I kid you not the first time I got to talk to her on the phone all she could do was worry about whether we would ever forgive HIM. Yes, I am angry at him, but I am angry at her TOO! She had choices! We all have the choice to do wrong or right.
I distinctly remember sitting across from her with the glass between us while she told me about the "stupid *$#&@" (ie one of the DCS caseworkers) who was there the evening she was arrested. Apparently the lady looked into a bag that had some of the meth in it, and she had an allergic reaction so severe they had to take her to the hospital.
My sister sat there and cussed this poor woman for being "stupid", and that she got what she "deserved". I was, to say the very least, disgusted! She literally sat there cackling over someone's misfortune, and never once showed any kind of remorse. WHO was this woman?! Because she sure as heck wasn't the sister I knew and loved. I fantasize about writing her "that letter". You know the one where I tell her what I really think about the whole kit and kaboodle? I know it's not one I'll probably ever write because it would hurt her, and would likely hurt my mother in the process.
I don't know why I am here. Perhaps a hope that reaching out across the ether I will find someone who has an answer. I don't think that having the answers will make it any easier to bear, but somehow hope that it would make more sense somehow. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel this horrid desolation inside. I don't want to try to figure out how I am going to raise three boys who will probably never know their mother or how I am going to have to find answers to the "hard" questions that I know will come. I want my sister back.. the real sister.. not this awful person she somehow turned into.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Wow this is a lot to have dropped on you all at once. You've got so much to work through as a family both emotionally and practically for the sake of the kids. You may need to step back and just prioritize all the problems and issues and try to work through them one at a time becuase tackling all of them at once is more than you can all handle. None of this is any of your families fault - you have no responsibility at all for what someone else does.
Determine what the most important thing to deal with first. obviously, from what you say its the children. Your sister isnt going to have much say about what happens with the kids at this point - the state's not going to let her have her kids back anytime soon so dont worry about that. I would suspect that if they do have the proof of them running a meth lab that they arent going to just beat the rap - this is quite a bit more serious than that. Your best bet right now with your sister is to do your best to be unemotional - your not talking to your sister right now - she's a stranger that you dont know.
Some questions will have no answers and will be things you will just have to learn to accept - focus instead of the questions that have real answers like how these kids are going to be put in a stable environment. Once you have that resolved then you can determine the next stage you need to tackle. This is all new information for your family so you are going to go through the stages of grief - each of you will go through on your own time frame.
Denial (this isn't happening!)
Anger (why is this happening?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Determine what the most important thing to deal with first. obviously, from what you say its the children. Your sister isnt going to have much say about what happens with the kids at this point - the state's not going to let her have her kids back anytime soon so dont worry about that. I would suspect that if they do have the proof of them running a meth lab that they arent going to just beat the rap - this is quite a bit more serious than that. Your best bet right now with your sister is to do your best to be unemotional - your not talking to your sister right now - she's a stranger that you dont know.
Some questions will have no answers and will be things you will just have to learn to accept - focus instead of the questions that have real answers like how these kids are going to be put in a stable environment. Once you have that resolved then you can determine the next stage you need to tackle. This is all new information for your family so you are going to go through the stages of grief - each of you will go through on your own time frame.
Denial (this isn't happening!)
Anger (why is this happening?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to your family. I'm glad the kids have you to care for them. I can't promise everything will be alright, and you probably aren't even looking for unrealistic promises. Enjoy your nephews and seeing them bloom in a stable environment.
I'm kind of a simple person and have to be sure I only deal with what's actually in front of me, instead of trying to get the whole "forever" figured out right away.
Prayers and best wishes for you all.
I'm kind of a simple person and have to be sure I only deal with what's actually in front of me, instead of trying to get the whole "forever" figured out right away.
Prayers and best wishes for you all.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh Sunflowers....that is a lot to be dropped into your lap all of a sudden. All of you will have to take some time to process and accept it all, and that's OK. Your sister and her BF are where they need to be, and the children are safe now! You are a very generous soul to take them, and I'm glad that she told you the truth so that you can take them to the pediatrician armed with knowledge.
Just take things one step at a time and one day at a time. None of you is responsible for your sister's actions, not your mother, not your father, not you....only her.
Please take time to sit back and breathe...sending you lots of hugs and support!
HG
Just take things one step at a time and one day at a time. None of you is responsible for your sister's actions, not your mother, not your father, not you....only her.
Please take time to sit back and breathe...sending you lots of hugs and support!
HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sunflowers)))
Welcome to SR!
Wow, I think I would feel quite a bit overwhelmed, if I were to suddenly be dealing with all of this! That's a lot to absorb, all at once.
I agree with Winnie, as far as the kids come first. I wouldn't worry about staying on your sister's "good side". I'm a recovering addict (crack) and she is facing some serious charges. When I was in outpatient treatment, there was a couple there who was going through something similar..only they were "suspected" of running a meth lab. They were having to jump through some major hoops to even being considered at getting their kids back.
She's also correct about the grief. Someone doesn't have to die for us to grieve them. With A's (addicts) we grieve losing the person we thought they were; our hopes for their future (most did not plan on jail being a part of their future); and we grieve the fact that our family will never quite be the same.
I also totally understand the anger. When I got locked up, all I could focus on was my boyfriend, who is also an addict. I'm sure my dad wanted to kill me AND him. Luckily, somewhere along the way, I came to my senses. Your sister may, or may not.
One thing we learn, here, is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. This not only applies to your sister, but you're parents, too. I am dealing with a similar situation in that my stepmom is the addict and my dad is in denial. They will briefly get smacked with reality, then quickly return to where they were.
Just as I had to find my own bottom with my addiction and my codie-ness (codependency), I have to allow them to find theirs.
This is a great place for support, ES&H (experience, strength & hope). There are a lot of people here, who have been through similar situations. You may also want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings for some f2f support. Addiction IS a family disease, in that the entire family is affected.
Though I'm very sorry for the situation you are in, I'm so glad you found us, and that your nephews have you and your husband.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
Wow, I think I would feel quite a bit overwhelmed, if I were to suddenly be dealing with all of this! That's a lot to absorb, all at once.
I agree with Winnie, as far as the kids come first. I wouldn't worry about staying on your sister's "good side". I'm a recovering addict (crack) and she is facing some serious charges. When I was in outpatient treatment, there was a couple there who was going through something similar..only they were "suspected" of running a meth lab. They were having to jump through some major hoops to even being considered at getting their kids back.
She's also correct about the grief. Someone doesn't have to die for us to grieve them. With A's (addicts) we grieve losing the person we thought they were; our hopes for their future (most did not plan on jail being a part of their future); and we grieve the fact that our family will never quite be the same.
I also totally understand the anger. When I got locked up, all I could focus on was my boyfriend, who is also an addict. I'm sure my dad wanted to kill me AND him. Luckily, somewhere along the way, I came to my senses. Your sister may, or may not.
One thing we learn, here, is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. This not only applies to your sister, but you're parents, too. I am dealing with a similar situation in that my stepmom is the addict and my dad is in denial. They will briefly get smacked with reality, then quickly return to where they were.
Just as I had to find my own bottom with my addiction and my codie-ness (codependency), I have to allow them to find theirs.
This is a great place for support, ES&H (experience, strength & hope). There are a lot of people here, who have been through similar situations. You may also want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings for some f2f support. Addiction IS a family disease, in that the entire family is affected.
Though I'm very sorry for the situation you are in, I'm so glad you found us, and that your nephews have you and your husband.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
Welcome, Sunflowers,
You have found a place where there are many wise, knowledgable and supportive people. I, too, agree with winnie's post about grief and "questions that have real answers".
What is important right now, today? You are already doing that. You have focused on the children, and you path brought you to SR.
Sending prayers and good thoughts,
resting
You have found a place where there are many wise, knowledgable and supportive people. I, too, agree with winnie's post about grief and "questions that have real answers".
What is important right now, today? You are already doing that. You have focused on the children, and you path brought you to SR.
Sending prayers and good thoughts,
resting
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Welcome Sunflowers, You've already been given lots of great information. Grief, the 3C's, the fact that you are doing the most important thing that you can, taking in those 3 innocent kids, and just processing what you can any any given moment.
Just want to add, that you are no longer alone, we here at SR are here for you!
Hugs & Prayers coming your way,
Chris
Just want to add, that you are no longer alone, we here at SR are here for you!
Hugs & Prayers coming your way,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 30
Hello Sunflower, what alot to deal with all at once.
If anything positive can come out of this.. is that those 3 precious boys can have some stability in their lives. Who knows what kind of life behind closed doors they were leading. Thank God that they have you to go too. I can only be a blessing.
Your sister seems really lost to her addiction right now and obviously at a point where you or anyone else can reason with her. I would just let her be...and do what you can for you and your family. You and your husband really are the saviour for those children.
God Bless You .
If anything positive can come out of this.. is that those 3 precious boys can have some stability in their lives. Who knows what kind of life behind closed doors they were leading. Thank God that they have you to go too. I can only be a blessing.
Your sister seems really lost to her addiction right now and obviously at a point where you or anyone else can reason with her. I would just let her be...and do what you can for you and your family. You and your husband really are the saviour for those children.
God Bless You .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Hi Sunflower,
Welcome and I am so sorry. You have a lot to deal with right now and I agree the children come first. From what I understand your husband is not really into taking the boys? I think you need to sit down and have a long talk about it with him first. This is tough call because you are both going to have to be on board on this one. For now they are safe and you can call and talk with the social worker see if you can get some time with them, I am sure they are scared and not understanding what is going on.
As for your sister she is in the best place, she will get the help she needs now. Jail is not the place we want to see a loved one, but it is better then being dead and that is where she was headed. She could have killed the whole family. As much as it hurts I would put her feelings aside and I wouldn't even worry about seeing her till she has all this out of her system. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Welcome and I am so sorry. You have a lot to deal with right now and I agree the children come first. From what I understand your husband is not really into taking the boys? I think you need to sit down and have a long talk about it with him first. This is tough call because you are both going to have to be on board on this one. For now they are safe and you can call and talk with the social worker see if you can get some time with them, I am sure they are scared and not understanding what is going on.
As for your sister she is in the best place, she will get the help she needs now. Jail is not the place we want to see a loved one, but it is better then being dead and that is where she was headed. She could have killed the whole family. As much as it hurts I would put her feelings aside and I wouldn't even worry about seeing her till she has all this out of her system. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
Thanks to all of you for your kindness.. it almost brings me to tears. I've tried really hard not to cry about all of this. It's really like someone has died! Talking with my sister, I still try to be the big sister and be supportive, but at times I think it would merit an Oscar at the very least. She's just not the same person.
The boys are really wonderful. They have some medical issues that we are going to have to tackle, and we don't even know what kind of road we are going to have to walk with them. The eldest is 6 and right now is (justifiably) a very angry little boy. The foster parents have had problems with aggressive behavior, and inappropriate behavior. The younger boys are about to turn 2 and 1 in March, and I hope that this will impact them less. The social workers are concerned about developmental delays for all three.
I like to think of things logically. A caused B, B caused C, but in this situation I can't even begin to find A. My family has really circled the wagons, and although none of us were prepared for this brick to the back of the head we're all managing as best we can in such a situation. Mom vacillates between denial, hope, and outright guilt. Dad simply took a trip up the river of denial. He sincerely believes that she will be getting out soon, and able to pick up and move on. I've tried explaining to him that JUST with the severe abuse charges that Sis is looking at 8-15yrs per charge. He just says he has to go at that point and ends the phone conversation.
My husband and I have engaged in some morbid humor at times simply because I think it's better than raving like a loonie. Hubby is angry, but is simply not the kind of person to rave against unforeseen circumstances.
Right now we're doing the best we can to absorb three wonderful little boys into our lives. My son is about to turn 15 so this will be an adventure! Re-learning how to walk the floors with babies is an adventure alone. Does anyone here have experience with raising meth exposed children? I've done some research, but there doesn't seem to be a tremendous amount of information on the long term health risks of exposure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much for being here... it helps just to babble.
The boys are really wonderful. They have some medical issues that we are going to have to tackle, and we don't even know what kind of road we are going to have to walk with them. The eldest is 6 and right now is (justifiably) a very angry little boy. The foster parents have had problems with aggressive behavior, and inappropriate behavior. The younger boys are about to turn 2 and 1 in March, and I hope that this will impact them less. The social workers are concerned about developmental delays for all three.
I like to think of things logically. A caused B, B caused C, but in this situation I can't even begin to find A. My family has really circled the wagons, and although none of us were prepared for this brick to the back of the head we're all managing as best we can in such a situation. Mom vacillates between denial, hope, and outright guilt. Dad simply took a trip up the river of denial. He sincerely believes that she will be getting out soon, and able to pick up and move on. I've tried explaining to him that JUST with the severe abuse charges that Sis is looking at 8-15yrs per charge. He just says he has to go at that point and ends the phone conversation.
My husband and I have engaged in some morbid humor at times simply because I think it's better than raving like a loonie. Hubby is angry, but is simply not the kind of person to rave against unforeseen circumstances.
Right now we're doing the best we can to absorb three wonderful little boys into our lives. My son is about to turn 15 so this will be an adventure! Re-learning how to walk the floors with babies is an adventure alone. Does anyone here have experience with raising meth exposed children? I've done some research, but there doesn't seem to be a tremendous amount of information on the long term health risks of exposure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much for being here... it helps just to babble.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by MyJoey 
Hi Sunflower,
Welcome and I am so sorry. You have a lot to deal with right now and I agree the children come first. From what I understand your husband is not really into taking the boys?
Welcome and I am so sorry. You have a lot to deal with right now and I agree the children come first. From what I understand your husband is not really into taking the boys?
I don't think that either of us ever foresaw this, but we're willing to do what has to be done. I love my nephews, and getting to see them recently really set off my Mommy meter. They need stability, love, and structure and thankfully we're more than able to provide them with what they need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
I think that is wonderful of both of you! It is going to be a long road, but them boys are going to grow to love you so much. I would ask the social worker where to get information about the boys exposure. Keep posting away, there are lots of people here that are so full of support. (((((((hugs to your family)))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
I am so sorry that somene elses mistakes have impacked you and your husband this way. I have been raising my grandson for about 10 years now he is 17 and it is hard. Being gram and parent too. But I wouldn't want it any other way. As a mother for a heroin addict I know what your mother is going through. You should tell her to come to this site just to read that she is not alone. She didn't do it, she can't cure it. This has been a long road for me trying to fugure out what I did wrong and guess what I didn't my son made the choice to do drugs and he paid the price he died.
So keep reading this is a good place for anything you need to know their people have been through it all God Bless them.
A friend,
Maggiemac
So keep reading this is a good place for anything you need to know their people have been through it all God Bless them.
A friend,
Maggiemac
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Sunflowers
He's said that it's the right thing to do, and I've asked him repeatedly how he FEELS about it.
In the end, like yours, my husband does what's right, even when that comes with significant sacrifice. Good job picking a good one!
Those boys are very lucky to have you and I hope your sister gives up custody easily (or is forced to) so you don't have to go through any long court battles.
Welcome to SR. I'll be following your story.
Lisa
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
As a parent of an addict I have learned the three Cs
I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it...in regard to his addiction.
I also know that my son sought recovery only after he hit a major bottom and had to suffer the consequences. The wreckage of his past is for him to clean up for only then will he know to change course.
Your sister should lose her kids. She should have to work very hard to change and prove she is able to have them back.
Meth is one of the hardest drugs to recover from and not go back to.
Hopefully this is the beginning for her.
How great that you are willing and able to step up for the kids.
I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it...in regard to his addiction.
I also know that my son sought recovery only after he hit a major bottom and had to suffer the consequences. The wreckage of his past is for him to clean up for only then will he know to change course.
Your sister should lose her kids. She should have to work very hard to change and prove she is able to have them back.
Meth is one of the hardest drugs to recover from and not go back to.
Hopefully this is the beginning for her.
How great that you are willing and able to step up for the kids.
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