kathy306

My daughter has been away at detox and rehab since before Christmas. In the first few weks we had sent her away we did notify 2 families in which our families were very close. Their daughters were great friends with mine. We decided to share with them what was going on with our daughter. We did this not only to be open and honest with them, but to maybe to warn them what is probably going on with their girls. Since then only 2 or 3 people know of our trials. We have not said much when people asked about her..we have lead them to believe she was at college. My employer, who is a very close friend does not even know. We socialize with him and his family and have been very close friends for over 15 yrs. I would like some input on how far or how long do I keep up this charade? The only reason we did not tell my friend / employer is because we did not want our daughter subject to gossip...(his daughters are good friends with my kids and have been none for being on the gossip line). I guess I am thinking I need to be a bit more honest..I don't plan on my daughter coming home for a long time.

Serenity Bound

Kathy, That is completely up to you. What are you comfortable with? I am pretty open, however, it depends on who I am talking with, quite frankly it took awhile b/4 I was open. I think that I'm comfortable with those that I KNOW will not judge. Since NA & Nar-Anon are both anonymous programs, would your AD with comfortable with these people knowing? (especially if they are known gossips)

Hugs,
Chris

Spiritual Seeker

The reality is that there is shame and stigma attached to addiction.
I decided to be honest and "out of the closet" about addiction with many.
After all, my son is 24 and is at his 3rd rehab. This is not just about him.
Sorrow, pain, my own progress of recovery along with the spiritual journey that I have sought is my story too.
However, I see no need to tell details to everyone. His current rehab had five months of ranch experience. So if people asked about my son I might just say he is working on a ranch or tell them he is living and working in another state. Which are all true. Besides even when not working on the ranch he is working...even if it is working the 12 steps.
Addiction is so common now, that when I am honest with others they freely share a part of their family story that includes addiction. Most people are happy to have someone to share with that have the same experience and listen with no judgment.

I have also learned compassion for all the addicts that I meet that still suffer.

MyJoey

Well, I have been very honest with everyone about my son, who is 17. I have a hard time not being honest when someone asks, plus it can be seen all over my face. I don't feel anyone looked down on us, all his friends know he has a problem with drugs, they have seen him, so their parents were/are very concerned for our son. Even ones that I would have preferred they didn't know, were very supportive. I think that people who find time to gossip about your daughter (or family) are not friends, small minded and really need a life.
I think if you were honest, you would be surprised how much people care. Then again we are not all alike, I am just on open book and when I am hurting everyone knows there is a problem. You need to do what you feel comfortable with. Wishing you the best.

AquaBlue

I struggle with this too, Kathy. Although, as I start to accept things the way they are, I find I'm more open to sharing. You never know who you might indirectly help, just by sharing your story. But there's nothing wrong with being selective- we are not obligated to tell anyone. I just started to feel like I was a keeping a secret from some of my close friends and recently confided in 2 of them- they were great and it felt like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Do I wish I would've told them sooner? NO. Things happen in time and when they're meant to happen.

I love what SS said. You don't have to divulge everything, but if there's some truth to what you say about your child, then I think that's enough.

Seren

This was/is a hard one for us, too. Addiction is such an isolating disease. My BF makes decisions on a case-by-case basis depending on the situation and people.

Hugs, HG

winnie12

At first I told no one. I did tell my boss because i had to for missed time. When I did I found out that his mom is a psychologist so he had a greater understanding than most people - he even got me in touch with her and she gave me a lot of guidance in the beginning. He kept it quiet for a few months and then told me that we really needed to tell a couple of other upper management staff in the office just so they would understand why i was unavailable at times and he offered to tell them for me - to my surprise those people also were extremely supportive.

As time went on I got more and more tired of trying to keep up the charade and remembering who i told what. I finally just gave in when i realized this was all part of my denial and just told people - not acquantances but all my friends and family. To my relief the people in my life didnt judge me and very few judged him - but all were supportive. I found that it was so much easier to get through all of this when I trusted the people in my life with this. Help came from so many places and I also found that addiction and mental illness had touched the lives of almost everyone I knew at some point in time. In the end anyone who looked down on us I found I really didnt need anymore. Anyone who thinks that they are immune from these types of problems i know is living in a dream world and i just feel sorry for them and hope they never have to experience the ugliness of this disease.

cece1960

I talk too much at times
But most of the small town AS hangs in know of his problem so it got to the point that by saying nothing, "I" looked as if I knew nothing and for some reason that bothered me back when this all started.
I now keep no secrets regarding the fact that he struggles, and I struggle at times. I think part of that is an underlying desire to stop society from burying their heads, and treating addiction as a moral defect. But I also try not to divulge his business.
If a freind wants to know how "I" am doing with this, I'll share.
How he is doing is his question to answer.
(((Hugs)))

outtolunch

From the begining, I refused to be shamed by the choices of my daughter. I never got into the details and certainly did not shout it from the roof tops, but word sure does get around.

What I found is that most people have a need to rationalize it, so they blame it on poor parenting. I understand. They need to define a cause for the outcome, else they would have to accept that they have absolutely no control over someone else's choices, including the choices of their own teen and adult children.

Then there are the people who seem to suspend judgement and express the hope for a cure.

And lastly, you will learn how many people's lives have been touched by alcohol and drugs, but even so, there is so often a perceived food chain. Alcoholism and addiction to prescription meds is almost borderline socially acceptable, while heroin/crack are not, almost a "my addict is better than your addict" kind of thing. These are, to me, the most humorous reactions.

winnie12

This is where detachment comes in handy. I dont feel shame because of what my kid does - he's the one who should feel shame. I have always been of the opinion that i dont take credit for my kids successes and i dont take the blame for their failures. I've always been that way - when he was what everyone said was a "great kid" and wanted to give me credit i said no - he did great becuase of him not me. that made it easier for me to not take the blame for his fall later on in his life.

Ann

I have learned to share with a select few that I trust.

People who have never been touched by addiction (I call them earthlings) really have no clue and it would take a year to explain.

I don't lie to anyone, but if asked when I don't wish to discuss it (and he was in recovery) I would say something like "He's away dealing with an addiction problem". If they wanted more details, I would simply say "I'm sorry, it's not something I like to talk about much but thank you for caring."

Right now my son has been missing for over 4 years. If asked about him I simply say "We're not sure where he is, he struggles with addiction and we just pray for him every day." Again, if they push for details..."I'm sorry but this is very personal and not something I like to talk about, but thank you for caring."

We have a choice of what we are comfortably sharing and with whom.

My thoughts on shame are those who would shame us or the addict have no idea about either and my prayers go out for them, that they never find out first hand.

Hugs

bigsister1982

I didn't tell anyone for the longest time. But I have friends that are in protective services and crisis workers, so unfortunately, I didn't have to tell some people - they already knew. I started off by talking with these friends as clearing the air was a HUGE relief. So far, nobody has judged me by who my brother is. Over time, there are other people who know now.

I don't believe there is shame in addiction. I think that I'm expected to believe that there is, but it's a disease and there's no blame placed on my family. Not one person that I've told has wanted to end a friendship due to this. Unfortunately, I have had the opportunity to realize how "normal" this stuff is. Nobody wants to bring it up, but it's out there already. This isn't to say that there is nobody who will judge - of course people will judge. I have just found that they are fewer & further between than I had imagined.

You can't keep this stuff all inside forever. For me, picking and choosing who I told, and how much I told, was vital. I really like Ann's reply. It's great for those people who are trying to show that they care, but really going past what our boundaries are.