Is it possible to stop worrying about them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
Is it possible to stop worrying about them?
Hi,
I am relatively new to this forum and have posted once about my Addicted Daughter (is that what AD means?).
My daughter has been out of rehab for a month and is obviously trying very hard to remain clean and sober. She goes to meetings, tries to hang out with clean and sober friends, and is looking for work while attending school. When she first came out of rehab she went right back to her old group of drug-using friends. Recently, she has tried to distance herself from them, especially an old boy friend who offers her weed as a way of enticing her back to him.
My problem is me. I don't know how to stop worrying about her. I know she is trying, I know I didn't cause it and only she and God can cure it, but I still stay up waiting to hear the door open at night, or to hear her answer the phone. I can only sleep when she is in the house, and when I hear her voice on the phone I know that at that moment she was ok. I have lost all trust in her and never believe her when she says she is out with her clean friends. I don't let her know that I don't trust. It is very comforting when I find out that she really was where she said she was and it was with a good group of people.
I tell myself that she is taking steps forward and away from addiction yet at the same time I know that the statistics related to relapse are not in her favor, so I worry.
Living through her addiction and friend choices has been terrible. The worst was when I discovered that she had been giving rides to a friend of her boyfriend who killed someone during what the papers call "a drug deal gone bad". She lost her car shortly after that and I will never buy her another. She made the choice to go to rehab and is obviously moving forward. So I tell myself that, at this moment, she is doing better than she was a year ago and even several months ago.
I know her recovery is not in my hands but I still worry. Do we as friends and family of substance abusers every stop worrying?
I am relatively new to this forum and have posted once about my Addicted Daughter (is that what AD means?).
My daughter has been out of rehab for a month and is obviously trying very hard to remain clean and sober. She goes to meetings, tries to hang out with clean and sober friends, and is looking for work while attending school. When she first came out of rehab she went right back to her old group of drug-using friends. Recently, she has tried to distance herself from them, especially an old boy friend who offers her weed as a way of enticing her back to him.
My problem is me. I don't know how to stop worrying about her. I know she is trying, I know I didn't cause it and only she and God can cure it, but I still stay up waiting to hear the door open at night, or to hear her answer the phone. I can only sleep when she is in the house, and when I hear her voice on the phone I know that at that moment she was ok. I have lost all trust in her and never believe her when she says she is out with her clean friends. I don't let her know that I don't trust. It is very comforting when I find out that she really was where she said she was and it was with a good group of people.
I tell myself that she is taking steps forward and away from addiction yet at the same time I know that the statistics related to relapse are not in her favor, so I worry.
Living through her addiction and friend choices has been terrible. The worst was when I discovered that she had been giving rides to a friend of her boyfriend who killed someone during what the papers call "a drug deal gone bad". She lost her car shortly after that and I will never buy her another. She made the choice to go to rehab and is obviously moving forward. So I tell myself that, at this moment, she is doing better than she was a year ago and even several months ago.
I know her recovery is not in my hands but I still worry. Do we as friends and family of substance abusers every stop worrying?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Hi Marlie, Yes, AD means addicted daughter. I can only answer for myself, I also have an AD, you're right about relapses. After two rehab's my AD did in fact relapse, after going to DC, my AD did relapse. The difference between when I first admitted that my daughter was an addict and now, is simply my program, my recovery.....Nar-Anon & Al-Anon. And of course SR.
The support, experience and hope that is shared thru these groups helped me focus on me. Gave me to tools to relax. (And no, it did not happen overnite)
Sure there are triggers, that can cause me to worry, but now I use the "Serenity Prayer" (alot some days..lol) and I "Let Go & Let God" because I realize that there is not one thing I can do about her recovery, and that worry is just not productive.
As a side note my AD went to rehab (again) and now has 60+ days clean, working on her recovery each day, one day at a time, it is the only way she or I can work our recoveries. (me, I'm the codie.lol)
Hugs,
Chris
The support, experience and hope that is shared thru these groups helped me focus on me. Gave me to tools to relax. (And no, it did not happen overnite)
Sure there are triggers, that can cause me to worry, but now I use the "Serenity Prayer" (alot some days..lol) and I "Let Go & Let God" because I realize that there is not one thing I can do about her recovery, and that worry is just not productive.
As a side note my AD went to rehab (again) and now has 60+ days clean, working on her recovery each day, one day at a time, it is the only way she or I can work our recoveries. (me, I'm the codie.lol)
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter does not live at home. When she first came back from the halfway house, we let her live here until she got back on her feet. She was asked to move when she broke our boundaries and drank. She now lives in an apartment with her boyfriend who is not an addict. She is doing well, working, paying her bills. We have a much better relationship when she is not living here. She is 22 and it is her life. I don't want to wait to hear her come in the door at night. I don't want to have that front row seat. Maybe your daughter could work toward getting her own place. That way she can be what she is supposed to be-a fully independent adult. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Marlie,
It is hard to put the worry aside, but IMO, it does get better in time.
And if you can try to remember that there is someone looking after your daughter continuously, that helps.
My sons could no longer live here because it was too difficult for me, being so close to the drama and chaos.
Hugs, and hugs......
It is hard to put the worry aside, but IMO, it does get better in time.
And if you can try to remember that there is someone looking after your daughter continuously, that helps.
My sons could no longer live here because it was too difficult for me, being so close to the drama and chaos.
Hugs, and hugs......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I asked my mom this question once and she said you never really stop worrying about your kids but you do get to the point that you let them live their own life and it is easier.
I think that is the same for any parent whether their child is an addict or not. I find detachment really helped me a lot. I worry about my AS but his problems and consquences he owns not me.
I think that is the same for any parent whether their child is an addict or not. I find detachment really helped me a lot. I worry about my AS but his problems and consquences he owns not me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
My daughter is only 19, recently graduated from high school, and accepted to a College in the Fall. She realized that her addiction would conflict with school so she made the rehab choice, saying that she had to get control of her addiction before she started school. Her 30 days in rehab were wonderful days for me. I knew she was in a safe place and not on drugs, and for the first time in a long time, I slept through the night. Unfortunately, she is not in a position to move out of the house as she doesn't have a job. There is no doubt that she wants to but if she moves out before college it is her responsibility to pay for it.
I have two older daughters who are married and living on their own. I used to worry about them when they were 19. One was very emotional and I worried about those issues, and the other had a boy friend whom I couldn't stand (my daughter ended up married to him and all has worked out). They both, however, did not have substance abuse issues and I never worried that their behavior would result in their death.
I have a prayer that I say for God to watch over my daughter. Now that prayer has changed. It still includes asking Him to watch over her, but also to help me, to accept whatever is and will be and to give me the ability to handle whatever comes my way.
One night she was out with what I thought to be her 'bad' friends ( I was right), I couldn't sleep so I just drove around knowing that I wouldn't find her but looking none the same. What did it matter, I couldn't sleep and driving was something to do. As I took this drive looking for her at her old hangouts, I asked myself when did this behavior (my unable to sleep because of worry) become normal. I never did this with my first children. When they were out, they were where they said they were, and they came home on time.
I have two older daughters who are married and living on their own. I used to worry about them when they were 19. One was very emotional and I worried about those issues, and the other had a boy friend whom I couldn't stand (my daughter ended up married to him and all has worked out). They both, however, did not have substance abuse issues and I never worried that their behavior would result in their death.
I have a prayer that I say for God to watch over my daughter. Now that prayer has changed. It still includes asking Him to watch over her, but also to help me, to accept whatever is and will be and to give me the ability to handle whatever comes my way.
One night she was out with what I thought to be her 'bad' friends ( I was right), I couldn't sleep so I just drove around knowing that I wouldn't find her but looking none the same. What did it matter, I couldn't sleep and driving was something to do. As I took this drive looking for her at her old hangouts, I asked myself when did this behavior (my unable to sleep because of worry) become normal. I never did this with my first children. When they were out, they were where they said they were, and they came home on time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter has been home from rehab about 10.5 months, now.
She reconnected with her old drug buds, over the summer and relapsed. Her DOC is heroin. I gave her the choice to quit or leave. For now, she has chosen to stay and to the best of my knowledge has not used, again or projected addict-like behaviors.
All of her drug buds are now either in prison or dead. This happened over the course of just a few months. I am still blown away by this. The most recent was a girl age 19, who OD'd the same day she returned home from rehab.
My daughter is back in school, at a local community college. She spends a lot of time at home because she used and abused her decent friends when she was an active user and has not been able to connect with others her age.
She is sober today and I am grateful for this.
The trust thing will, I think, always be there. I no longer follow her or lose sleep over it. It takes time, a lot of time.
She reconnected with her old drug buds, over the summer and relapsed. Her DOC is heroin. I gave her the choice to quit or leave. For now, she has chosen to stay and to the best of my knowledge has not used, again or projected addict-like behaviors.
All of her drug buds are now either in prison or dead. This happened over the course of just a few months. I am still blown away by this. The most recent was a girl age 19, who OD'd the same day she returned home from rehab.
My daughter is back in school, at a local community college. She spends a lot of time at home because she used and abused her decent friends when she was an active user and has not been able to connect with others her age.
She is sober today and I am grateful for this.
The trust thing will, I think, always be there. I no longer follow her or lose sleep over it. It takes time, a lot of time.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
In my area we have al-anon parent groups that I have attended for several yrs. I went initially when I found out about my addict son (AS)
I stay for myself.
Working the 12 steps through this program has helped me in all areas and relationships.
I have made two amazing friends through these mtgs. Our bond really helps me process the experience of parenting an addict. They understand and offer experience, strength and hope.
I know fear, doubt and worry are not good thoughts.
I know my son lies, steals and is not able to live in my home when he is active in his addiction. Define your boundaries with your AD and stick to them.
What helps me is to stay in ea. day and not go into the future.
You can buy drug tests cheap through the internet is you have sobriety as a req. to live at home.
Is your daughter doing the recommended 90 mtgs. in 90 days?
I stay for myself.
Working the 12 steps through this program has helped me in all areas and relationships.
I have made two amazing friends through these mtgs. Our bond really helps me process the experience of parenting an addict. They understand and offer experience, strength and hope.
I know fear, doubt and worry are not good thoughts.
I know my son lies, steals and is not able to live in my home when he is active in his addiction. Define your boundaries with your AD and stick to them.
What helps me is to stay in ea. day and not go into the future.
You can buy drug tests cheap through the internet is you have sobriety as a req. to live at home.
Is your daughter doing the recommended 90 mtgs. in 90 days?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Hi Marlie,
I believe that we can "manage" our worrying. Not sure if it ever completely stops. But we learn, as someone mentioned, the triggers that cause our worrying and try to avoid those triggers.
In the beginning I had to know every little detail about my 21 yr. old AS, then I went to the other extreme and told my husband and other son that I didn't want to hear ANYTHING if it involved my AS. Now, I'm able to hear what comes my way- accept it, realize I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Although, just a week ago, the police called our house saying that our AS was reported missing by his gf. I happened to get this message while I was home alone, and I completely lost it. Fear overcame me and I was almost hysterical. Turns out it was just more drama from his gf, and he was fine. It was a good lesson for me to not over react until I have all the facts. It's the "awfulizing" that will make you crazy.
Having said all that, I do realize that it's extra hard when they're still living with you!! It's all right under your nose and hard to ignore. I think the best thing you can do for yourself and the worrying is to get into an Al-anon or Nar-anon group, read books like Codependent No More and The Language Of Letting Go, both by Melody Beattie. The daily reads like Courage For a Day (or Daily Courage- not sure) put out by Al-anon is great and there are many like that out there.
We have to also trust that God is always with our loved ones--even if they are in a bad place, He doesn't abandon them. The outcome may not be MY wishes, but I really don't have that control. I pray A LOT, and it helps keep me sane. If a worry starts to impede my thoughts, I immediately turn it into prayer for my son.
Keep posting and reading here too, that will help you tremendously. You'll know you're not alone and you'll gather some good ideas to help with the worrying. There is so much wisdom in this place, it's amazing!
Hugs and prayers for you,
Aquablue
I believe that we can "manage" our worrying. Not sure if it ever completely stops. But we learn, as someone mentioned, the triggers that cause our worrying and try to avoid those triggers.
In the beginning I had to know every little detail about my 21 yr. old AS, then I went to the other extreme and told my husband and other son that I didn't want to hear ANYTHING if it involved my AS. Now, I'm able to hear what comes my way- accept it, realize I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Although, just a week ago, the police called our house saying that our AS was reported missing by his gf. I happened to get this message while I was home alone, and I completely lost it. Fear overcame me and I was almost hysterical. Turns out it was just more drama from his gf, and he was fine. It was a good lesson for me to not over react until I have all the facts. It's the "awfulizing" that will make you crazy.
Having said all that, I do realize that it's extra hard when they're still living with you!! It's all right under your nose and hard to ignore. I think the best thing you can do for yourself and the worrying is to get into an Al-anon or Nar-anon group, read books like Codependent No More and The Language Of Letting Go, both by Melody Beattie. The daily reads like Courage For a Day (or Daily Courage- not sure) put out by Al-anon is great and there are many like that out there.
We have to also trust that God is always with our loved ones--even if they are in a bad place, He doesn't abandon them. The outcome may not be MY wishes, but I really don't have that control. I pray A LOT, and it helps keep me sane. If a worry starts to impede my thoughts, I immediately turn it into prayer for my son.
Keep posting and reading here too, that will help you tremendously. You'll know you're not alone and you'll gather some good ideas to help with the worrying. There is so much wisdom in this place, it's amazing!
Hugs and prayers for you,
Aquablue
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
As parents we care for all our children. The addicted child is worry in extreme. It takes time and the HP, to realize we can't worry about it all - our own lives will become trashed.
It's easier said than done. I know I'm working on it.
Prayers and wishes coming your way.
It's easier said than done. I know I'm working on it.
Prayers and wishes coming your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
AlAnon and NarAnon have helped me. Gives me approximately 4 uninterrupted hours each week to think about how I feel, what I want, where I am at with my recovery and to talk about my week, my concerns, my struggles with people who understand. It has also brought me wonderful relationships with everyone in the room. I know I can pick up the phone at any time day or night and find someone to talk to and if I wanted, probably someone that would even spend some time with me!
Try it!
Try it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
Thank you AquaBlue, I will read the books that you recommended and attend a Nar-anon group. I was going to attend one last night (I can only find them on Wednesday) but my daughter needed a ride to a meeting. I don't let her drive my cars as when she did there was suspicious activity.
I also want to thank everyone who replied to my posts. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in this.
I understand that panic that ensues when your child is missing. Mine has gone awol on numerous occasions and I panic. I know that she is probably fine and will turn up, but I panic nonetheless. The worst moment of my life was when she was about 15 and I came home to take her to a doctor appointment and she didn't answer the knock on my door. When I opened her door I saw the outline of a body under her covers but no movement or response to my calling her name. I thought she was dead and the worse moment was pulling back the sheets to see ... pillows. She had gone out the window and came home a few hours later drunk. The feeling of the moment when I thought she was dead gets replayed (like a terrible horror movie) in my mind when I don't know where she is. I know logically she is probably fine but I always have that feeling of dread.
She is trying. As I said, she went to the meeting last night. She started a college course at the JC yesterday. She interviews for a job today. I wish I could trust her but I don't. She asked for some money yesterday to go to eat with a friend and I didn't give it to her. I don't know if I will ever trust her. In my mind, I question everything she says and asks for wondering if she is just looking for drugs.
It makes me sad, though, because since she came home from rehab, she has been so down and sad. She always seemed upbeat when I saw her in rehab but maybe because she was happy to have a visitor.
I am hanging in there, this forum helps, and I will check out the meetings for friends and families of substance abusers.
It is also delightful to read the forum at work!
I also want to thank everyone who replied to my posts. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in this.
I understand that panic that ensues when your child is missing. Mine has gone awol on numerous occasions and I panic. I know that she is probably fine and will turn up, but I panic nonetheless. The worst moment of my life was when she was about 15 and I came home to take her to a doctor appointment and she didn't answer the knock on my door. When I opened her door I saw the outline of a body under her covers but no movement or response to my calling her name. I thought she was dead and the worse moment was pulling back the sheets to see ... pillows. She had gone out the window and came home a few hours later drunk. The feeling of the moment when I thought she was dead gets replayed (like a terrible horror movie) in my mind when I don't know where she is. I know logically she is probably fine but I always have that feeling of dread.
She is trying. As I said, she went to the meeting last night. She started a college course at the JC yesterday. She interviews for a job today. I wish I could trust her but I don't. She asked for some money yesterday to go to eat with a friend and I didn't give it to her. I don't know if I will ever trust her. In my mind, I question everything she says and asks for wondering if she is just looking for drugs.
It makes me sad, though, because since she came home from rehab, she has been so down and sad. She always seemed upbeat when I saw her in rehab but maybe because she was happy to have a visitor.
I am hanging in there, this forum helps, and I will check out the meetings for friends and families of substance abusers.
It is also delightful to read the forum at work!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Marlie, I know exactly what you mean about trust. I try to remember what my sponsor told me "believe none of what you hear, and only 1/2 of what you see" It's sad but that's what I need to do.
Perhaps your AD will make some new friends at her meetings. My AD has, not only do they give her rides to/from meetings, they get together in a non-drug related areas.
Good Luck to both of you.
Hugs,
Chris
ps it is so slow here at work, the forum helps me in lots of ways.
Perhaps your AD will make some new friends at her meetings. My AD has, not only do they give her rides to/from meetings, they get together in a non-drug related areas.
Good Luck to both of you.
Hugs,
Chris
ps it is so slow here at work, the forum helps me in lots of ways.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
She is making the effort to hang with 'sober' friends but still is in contact with the 'non-sober' variety. I see that she takes several steps forward and then some back. I guess as long as the steps forward are > steps backward it is progress.
I have this wonderful buddy who I met at work. He is a 12 stepper and he says that the more you plug-in with clean and sober people, the easier the recovery. He meets her at meetings and is trying to hook her up with clean people
I have this wonderful buddy who I met at work. He is a 12 stepper and he says that the more you plug-in with clean and sober people, the easier the recovery. He meets her at meetings and is trying to hook her up with clean people
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Good Luck Marlie,
I don't think worry ever really leaves a parent. However, with the help of Nar-Anon Meetings, readings (books mentioned and others) and this forum, I have been able to get some of my life back.
I would run around after my AD as well and worry until dawn came. I no longer do that, but it took a lot of work. Keep working it - you are worth it
I don't think worry ever really leaves a parent. However, with the help of Nar-Anon Meetings, readings (books mentioned and others) and this forum, I have been able to get some of my life back.
I would run around after my AD as well and worry until dawn came. I no longer do that, but it took a lot of work. Keep working it - you are worth it
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: hollywood florida
Posts: 34
My 18 yr old daughter is finishing her second month of rehab. She is moving to a sober house on the 20th of this month but will still be going to the treatment center for intensive outpatient therapy. I worried to the point of being sick for about the first 3 weeks she was there. We really had no idea that she had a drug and alcohol problem. We knew she drank and smoked weed, but we never had any signs that she was an addict...always came home by curfew, straight A student etc...but I was so sick with worry after she told us she had a problem. I lost my brother 3 yrs ago to his drug addiction, so I am sure that compounded my worry. I have been much more at peace lately..I am attending Alanon, I am not sure that has helped tremendously..some yes ,but I don't get out of it what most everyone else seems to. This week has started my worrying again..I was pretty sure my daughter had a mental illness and she was self medicating. Her therapist seems to agree with me...but I fear her true diagnosis...so I am worried again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
I had the same problem. I knew she did some weed and as a child of the 60s it didn't alarm me. Then when I found out she was doing harder drugs I was astounded. My mother-in-law was an addict and like Rx pain pills. It began with back surgery and the rest is history. She died of a damaged liver.
My daughter has always been nice and polite in the home, home on time, etc. Then I find out she was using meth, cocaine, and ecstasy( sp).
Her physician has diagnosed her with learning disabilites and a mood disorder. I believe she was also self-medicating but maybe that is just my way of justifying a terrible problem.
I actually like working now because I am occupied during the day and have less time to worry about her.
My daughter has always been nice and polite in the home, home on time, etc. Then I find out she was using meth, cocaine, and ecstasy( sp).
Her physician has diagnosed her with learning disabilites and a mood disorder. I believe she was also self-medicating but maybe that is just my way of justifying a terrible problem.
I actually like working now because I am occupied during the day and have less time to worry about her.
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Maybe you can start a routine like every night lighting a candle for her...think about her and say a prayer and then go on and do something relaxing like make a cup of tea, draw a nice bath and watch some tv...yes you will worry, but you have to remember these are not your choices...her life is ultimately her own and we can hope for the best, but overall we have to know we have done our best.
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