silkspin

Hi all, my AH and I have been living in separate bedrooms and he has been sober since, about a month. He goes to meetings about once a week. He is quite passive and I'm controlling and we both fell into these roles pretty easily. This week has been tough emotionally.

He's been looking for a volleyball team to join in this new city. On Monday I asked if he was coming straight home or to a meeting (my mom makes dinner so to let her know) and he said he'd go Tues, he likes that group. Then Tuesday he said he was going to try a new league he found, so he'd go to a meeting tonight. Truthfully, it bothered me. Then he wondered if he should go to the game, asking me what I thought (cuz he's competitive level and he thought it may be too recreational). It bothered me that he couldn't make a decision and it really has nothing to do with me. Then because he sensed my mood was off, he kept looking at me, asking if everything was ok, kind of walking on eggshells. I told him I was fine, to leave me with my stuff.

I guess I should have more empathy because I suppose it's almost like an inmate leaving prison - now that he has freedom from me 'letting go', he doesn't know what to do with himself and is still falling into old habits. But aren't the meeting supposed to be helping him with this? Now that I'm perfectly happy to let him be, his attitude bugs me. Now that I've dropped old expectations, I guess I have new ones for him to be whatever he wants and to do what he wants. I'm having trouble managing my feelings about this. I know that everyone recovers their own way and I can't interfere, but I feel like telling him to stop asking me my opinion on his stuff and stop letting my mood affect him. I genuinely don't think he's trying to pull me into anything, but he just doesn't know how to be a grown up. Am I going crazy? Is this part of recovery? Any advice?

Freedom1990

Expectations get me into trouble because when people don't meet those expectations (which invariably happens at some point), I get frustrated.

Is there any reason you can't be short and sweet and simply tell him it's not your job to make his decisions for him?

silkspin

the conversation went like this - he asked, I said I don't know, do what you want. He says he's only asking for my opinion. I say, I don't have one on this subject, it doesn't matter if he goes or stays. He seems hurt, and he told me once before that he feels I'm totally just kicking him to the curb. I say I'm giving him space to figure ourselves out, it's what we both need since our previous dynamic led us down a disastrous road. But I really want to say "grow some effin balls will you?"
I know it's an issue with my expectations, but it's tough to manage. How much of this do I accept as the real him, versus him in early recovery? Does it matter?

jaguarpcb

My husband will ask what I want for dinner, chicken or steak. I'll say it doesn't matter to me, whichever is fine. He'll keep trying to get me to chose, and eventually he'll get upset, say "If it doesn't matter then just pick one, cuz it doesn't matter to me either." I can't get him to understand how unfair it is to expect me to pick one....if it doesn't matter to either of us, how come I have to pick one? Why isn't it him who has to pick one?

OMG, you and I must be long lost sisters.....I've had to fight the urge for the last year to grab hubby by the shoulders, shake him and say "man up and effin deal with it already!"

I really don't have an answer for you. I'm hoping that it's part of the addiction and that it'll get better as he gets better. I can totally see the idea that he stopped maturing when drinking started becoming a problem....hell, I think he's actually regressed, he lived on his own before me, I'm not sure he'd be able to do that now after 11 years of me taking care of him in so many ways, enabling his not growing up. He's gotten too used to me subsidising his desire to just glide through life. I'm really hoping that his newfound desire to deal with his sh!t means that'll start improving.

Hang in there Silk!

laurie6781

As a recovering alcoholic with many many years continuous sobriety now, let me explain early recovery to you from what happened to me.

You say he has about 30 days. Well.................................at 30 days, I could NOT make a decision, a simple decision like do I shower b4 I eat breakfast or after. lol no kidding. The reason? My mind was MUSH. I was in such a deep fog that it was extremely difficult to function.

Now, yes the meetings did help. Talking with others, which I later discovered I would ask the same questions over and over, lol helped. Slowly, the fog lifted. Slowly, very slowly I started to get a sense of 'self' back.

You are seeing something new and have no idea how to 'deal' with it and about the time you think you have it figured out he will change again and again and again.

Just because one stops drinking does not mean one is well. It takes TIME, lots and lots of TIME for a person going into recovery to start to figure things out in a logical way.

When he asks you about decisions he is 'trying' to make, it is okay to say "I don't know." Then you might add "this is something to talk to your sponsor about." lol You may start to sound like a broken record to yourself, however, many of us in early recovery NEED to hear the same words over and over and over for them to sink in. Words not said in a mean way, just statements.

As to your expectations, yep you still have some, lol and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you can accept that they may not be met for a while yet.

I also need to add that many of us during our practicing of our disease fell into the mode of 'others' making a decision, not us, no matter what that decision was..........................................why? ........................................well then it wasn't our fault. The old habits take time to erase. With me, the fog started to lift when I was about 6 months into recovery.

Hope that helps.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

silkspin

laurie, thanks so much for that. It REALLY helps. btw I don't think he has a sponsor yet, but I don't know. Haven't asked about the meetings and he doesn't talk about it much. And you're very right about him being unwell. He admits that he has a dark cave that he's been scared to look into, and he's started to. I know I need patience and to work on my own stuff in order to be a healthy support for him.

Jaguar, we must be twins separated by birth and then ending up with similar tendencies and husbands! Too much! Now I'm trying to control his control over himself!!!!

jaguarpcb

I know exactly how that feels!

jaguarpcb

And thanks Laurie, that does help me understand a bit better too. As someone who doesn't have addictive tendencies it's extremely difficult for me to wrap my brain around a lot of this stuff. Hearing from those in recovery helps a great deal!

Gold

Laurie that insight from your perspective was really helpfull.
Day 30 in our house