sillysquirrel

First of all, I have come to terms with the fact that my husband is an alcholic, so from now on will refer to him as my AH. I don't know why I was even questioning it because I think I have known form quite awhile, but anyway...

Our cycle continues... He returned home from a 2 day binge on Monday morning. Monday he was quiet, sheepish, agreeable, apologetic, etc. Tuesday morning he did the dishes, then had to leave the house for awhile-errands to run I guess. By Tuesday evening, he was screaming at the kids and just crabby as hell. Says he's frustrated with the noise level and can't deal with it. Hello!!!! Try doing tax returns and payroll reports!!! But that's my problem. I chose to be self-employed and besides, he says, women can handle children and chaos because they were made for that. Men aren't supposed to have to deal with that..

So, instead of trying to finally get some work done, I decide to play with the kids to quiet them down and prevent him from causing another scene in front of them. Now I am feeling angry because once again I am sacrificing my work for him. He says he can't watch kids until maybe Friday because he has to work on Wed and Thurs. I say it's too bad you were missing all weekend getting drunk instead of helping me out. I wouldn't be so behind if I could have had a couple of work hours on Sat and Sunday. Well, that's all it took. He screamed at me that I am a negative person and I thrive on the negative parts of our relationship. Why do we have to rehash the events of last weekend? Why do I have to bring that up? Blah, blah, blah...

He says he is so supportive of me. I ask him "In what way?". Well, he says, he goes to work one day a week for me, he made breakfast for the little ones on Monday AM and he did the dishes on Tuesday AM. Seriously, he is like a child. I feel sometimes that he has the mind of a child. He is sooooo self-centered and it drives me crazy. It seems the more he drinks, the more self-centered he becomes.

How do you deal with someone who refuses to talk about or even acknowledge these major binging events that are occurring more and more often? If I bring it up, he just says something like "It's over. It's in the past. What do you want me to do about it now? I can't change what happened. If I could I would".

He's at work today, so was gone when I got the kiddos up for school. My son asked where he was. I told him he was at work. He says, "Is he really at work? I wonder if it will take him 2 days to get home again?"

BTW, still waiting for that lawyer's office to call me back. I think I will go call them again now. Thanks for listening everyone.

Daisy30

I rember that they are an Alcoholic...and this is what alcoholics do.

When I confront I do it when he is sober and I only say what I have to say once.

I go to al-anon and take care of me

silkspin

Hi sillysquirrel, it's up to you to deal with it at all. what would you be trying to accomplish by bringing it up? To talk some sense into him? To get promises that it won't happen again? To have him admit a problem? It sounds like he's firmly entrenched in denial himself and is trying hard to maintain his ability to drink. For a long time I thought that talking about it, examining it, making him 'see' what he was doing was how things were going to get fixed. Months into recovery now I realize that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's pretty much a useless exercise. Focus on yourself, and what you have to do to make yourself better and create a healthier environment for your kids. He will do what he wants no matter what you do.

GiveLove

Squirrel, I can only speak for me, but...I only used past events to illustrate where my boundaries were. Setting boundaries is something I learned through Al-Anon and other recovery programs.

In other words, I used past events to say (minus the kids part): "This is what you did. Yes, it's done and over and you can't change it. But you need to know that if it happens again - ever - I will have no choice but to do X in order to save my sanity and my kids' chance at a happy life."

And then I stuck with it.

I also drew up a calendar with weekly responsibilities on it - who would be doing what when. Not only was a good way to keep on track, but it was a concrete, black-and-white illustration of the lack of balance in what we did around the house. He couldn't beg off everything that needed to be done, THEN claim we were equal.

As long as you allow him to be a child, he will continue to be one. And as long as there are no future repercussions for a repeat performance of last weekend's binge, they will continue to happen. That's a sad fact.

Good luck with everything

Chrysalis123

Not until I started reading this frum regularly did I realize how similar addicts are. My XAH said the EXACT words as yours as he repeated his behavior over and over. My XAH also wanted a gold medal for the CRUMBS he contributed to the relationship and to the family.

For me, realizing that this was addict behavior, helped me on my path of recovery. Realizing that I was not crazy, that I was being manipulated, that I had boundary issues...(ie I didn't have any), and that I was becoming as sick or sicker that my AH was a slow awakening. I learned about taking baby steps to help myself, and I learned to take care of my kids and myself first. It was not easy.

I have read on this board about the idea of: awareness, acceptance, action. It seems like you are aware and working on acceptance. How are you going to take action?

sillysquirrel

I know that nothing I say will change what he does. That doesn't stop me from being angry with him and lashing out at him. I just find it very hard to accept that this is how he is and I can't change him.

Now, can someone help me process this one...
My AH is very concerned for his brother. He thinks he drinks alot. His brother lost his job in October (supposedly due to the economy, I am not so sure about that). Now that he is unemployed his drinking has escalated (If that is possible). My hubby worries when his brother doesn't answer phone calls or return calls. He worries he may be in trouble, (jail, accident, etc.) Quite simply, he worries about him and gets frustrated when he doesn't keep in touch. I, on the other hand, am quite content with him not being in contact with AH but do get very concerned for my nephews' well-being. They are teenagers now so they can fend for themselves but they still need parenting and a good example, neither of which are they getting. Now, my question is, why is it ok for him to worry about his brother and expect him to stay in touch but when I worry about him (AH) when he is gone for a day or two, I am overreacting and he is just fine?

CAPTAINZING2000

Ouch

no offense but, your husband's a jerk with a drinking problem

CAPTAINZING2000

Not at all. Unless, you're a maid for him.


Does he tell you where he goes? Call while gone??

Ever think of taking off yourself for two days to see what response you got when, you came home?

dothi

Because your worry addresses his alcohol problem. Worrying about his brother enables the alcohol problem. There's an emerging pattern here...

My AF is also like this. Will cry and cry for his half-brothers whose hobbies include snorting coke and petty theft, but won't lift a finger to help himself. It's just a big self-righteous distraction. He gets to feel good for being such a caring person AND gets to continue drinking because of how much stress his brothers are putting him through. How can you be mad at such a wonderful guy like that? Especially at a time like this - in the middle of this "crisis"? See? He's not so stupid, really. His investment in this "crisis" will buy him a few more good binges... if you buy into it.

What Daisy30 said is GOLDEN: they are an Alcoholic...and this is what alcoholics do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sillysquirrel

he was screaming at the kids and just crabby as hell

Does your AH also pride himself on being a good father because at least he doesn't beat his kids?

sillysquirrel

Yes, I am aware. I am struggling with the acceptance. And, I have taken some action. I actually just got off of the phone with a very reputable lawyer whom I have been waiting days to return my call. He comes highly recommended by several aquaintances and he squeezed me in for a consultation next Wednesday even though, he says, he is refusing many clients right now because he is so busy. So, today I am thankful for him taking me on and I look forward to next week when I find out some answers to the things that are concerning me. Mainly, finances and the liklihood of him getting any kind of custody/visitation rights.

silkspin

As the other members have stated, because he is an alcoholic and that's what they do. They could have insight for others, but none for themselves. My AH and I talked often over how much his best friend and his wife drink. Turning the light onto them is a totally different story, and I'll bet he could come up with a million ways of how he isn't like his brother.

I get your anger/lashing out over not being able to change him. Keep reading here, read about alcoholism, go to Al anon if you can. It will illuminate things for you - and will help you work through your anger. It is actually peaceful to let go and stop trying to change someone; takes a big load off and gives you room to then change someone else - YOU.

sillysquirrel

He lies about where he goes. A few weeks ago he went on an overnight fishing trip. He made it about 20 miles away and just barhopped with a buddy, never even went fishing. If he was smart, he would have gotten a little farther away so the chances of me finding out wouldn't be so great. However, one of the mom's at my girls' Early Childhood Education class mentioned to me that she saw my hubby passed out in his truck with his face smeared against the window on the night he was supposedly fishing. Last weekend he was going to a play that our nephew was in. I was too busy to go and my kids just won't go with him unless I am with. He did not go to the play and returned 2 days later. Sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't. When he is drinking, he very rarely answers his phone. I always no there is trouble when he doesn't answer.

Many times I have thought about how much I would love to do the same thing to him, just disappear for a couple of days and let him deal with finding a babysitter, work, meals, homework, laundry, etc. BUT, my kiddos trust me to be here for them and I could never do that to them. I see how it hurts them when their dad does it and I will never do that to them. The only way I could take off for a couple of days is if it were planned and that wouldn't quite have the same effect!

CAPTAINZING2000

Have you ever mentioned aa to him?

Even if, you're no longer with im, he's the father of your kids

just tossing that out there

sillysquirrel

He insists in no uncertain terms that he is NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!! The only alcohol problem in our house is my inability to accept that he likes to go out and have a few beers once in awhile. I have never suggested AA to him, he would never consider it. He says that because he doesn't drink everyday he is not an alcoholic. His problem is that when he does have one drink, he cannot stop, nor does he want to. This results in passing out, blacking out, disappearing for a day or two at a time, etc. This is something that occurs about twice month. It has always been present, just not as often. Does alcoholism get worse with time?? I mean, is that generally how it works? I have no direct experience with it other than what I am seeing with my husband.

At this point, I think my only concern is for my kids. And, I think of how devastated they would be if something were to happen to him. He drinks and drives alot and I worry there will be an accident. He will either end up dead or in jail and some innocent person/s will end up dead. I have unknowingly detached myself from him. Must be some kind of instinct or something. I have not entered our bedroom since October. He still sleeps there but I do not. Just don't have that connection anymore and don't want it. The lies and bingeing always seemed to sting more when they happened while we were getting along. So I just don't ever warm up to him anymore. In my head I told myself I was waiting for things to get better. So, basically, we are separated but still living together.

CAPTAINZING2000

In my case, it snow balled. At the very end, I was not drinking on Wed. to call myself a weekend warrior.

Are your kids driving age?

I'd be concerned as well if, he shows up to get the kids on a weekend drinking and driving

sillysquirrel

Kiddos are young, four of them ages 2-9. I am very concerned that if/when we part ways, he will have partial custody/vistitation and I will be worrying the whole time he has them about their physical safety as well as emotional. At least now, when we are under the same roof, I can control his time with the kids. I am hoping my lawyer will give me some advice on this. My AH does not have a record. We have had a couple of incidents at home but the police have never been called and he has never had a DUI. I have seen some on these forums say to keep a journal of his drinking and the events that occur in our daily lives as these can be used when fighting for custody/visitation/supervised visitation. I don't know if that is the case though. My best case scenario is he will only be allowed to see the kids at his parents home when they are there to supervise. I am not optimistic about this though. I certainly don't want to keep him from the kids. They love him dearly and miss him when he is gone bingeing but they (the older 2)despise his drinking.

prodigal

Unfortunately, as a rule, it does. I've watched the deterioration of my AH over the past 7 years. When we first met, he would go on occasional benders. However, he still loved to garden and enjoyed cooking. He no longer cooks at all, and the garden is just a pile of dirt over in the corner of the backyard.

I've also witnessed the physical and mental destruction. AH used to run on his lunch hour everyday. No more. He has lost so much weight, he looks skeletal. He doesn't remember something I said the day before. And when I thought things had gotten REALLY bad, a friend told me, "Oh, they'll get worse."

I don't even know this man anymore. He does things that are irrational, like going on a grocery shopping spree last week. And we already had enough to feed a third-world nation. He was "in the mood" to shop. He eats very little, and no longer shows any interest in preparing dinner.

He sits in front of the t.v. every night and drinks. When he walks in from work, he is visibly shaking because he's starting to withdraw. So he opens a jumbo bottle of wine and gulps down a 12-ounce tumbler.

He's secretive, isolates, pretty much stays over on his side of the house, and as I said, I do not know this life form.

His sole purpose is to ingest alcohol. Oh, yeah .... and to keep buying groceries by the truckload.

sillysquirrel

Well, when AH and I met, we both drank alot. But, we were in our early twenties and the bar scene was still new to us then. I like to have a few drinks once in awhile. I have outgrown that party stage and I think most people do. You get married, you have children, a home, responsibility, etc. AH says that he drank when I met him and if I am so against drinking, I should have never even dated him. I just thought he would grow up as most people do. Also, back then, he did not lie to me, (at least not that I ever found out about), did not disappear for days, and was respectful to me.

It has slowly developed into a major problem over the last few years but really the last six months seem to be spiralling out of control. I have just come to realize that AH truly cannot stop once he starts. I do not go to his family functions anymore, or if I do I drive separate. He seems to appreciate my realization of these things and loves that I have not expectations, do not want to go with him anywhere, etc. because it gives him even more opportunities to drink.

Wow, I just figured something out as I am posting here. His drinking got much worse when I began detaching myself from him and going my own way. And before someone jumps all over me about that statement, let me just say that NO, I am not blaming myself for this. It is just an interesting observation. I know that when it is over, he will rapidly deteriorate. Another reason why it is so hard to leave. Just don't want to do that to the father of my children.

CAPTAINZING2000

On the phone here

any witnesses that will speak in you behalf on your husband's drinking???

Gold

You are right to be concerned for your kids. his behaviour is unaccapteble. Your kids will learn from you both how adults treat teach other. What lessons are they learning?
But also I hope you feel as much concern for yourself. You deserve better too.