Turning it over to your HP...
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Turning it over to your HP...
Constantly on here we read about turning things over to your HP. I *get* what that means, but I need some clarity I guess.
I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, I pray. When you turn things over to your HP, what does that really mean though. An example... Some of you may know that AH is in rehab, possibly may have to leave after 9 days because of an insurance problem. I of course have done everything that I can to prevent insurance from not going through. I've made the calls, paid the bill etc. Yes, this should be AH's responsibility, but it is insurance for my kids as well so this isn't just about him. When you turn it over to your HP do you usually do that before or after making all of the calls?
Another example - you know AH is a flight risk possibly with rehab. When turning it over to your HP do you still take calls to try to get his head on straight, work with counselors, his family etc to get him on the right track? Or do you say you're there, do the work, you need help, you're on your own quit calling and turn it over.
I also see many on here whose husbands, wives, children are in active addiction either in their homes or miles away. They HAVE put their loved ones in their HP's hands and seem content that they're safe and secure. They can go on with their life @ peace. I've not been able to find that peace. I know that AH will do what he'll do, but how do I release myself from this burden and put it into God's hand when AH about died last week from heroin? How do I find the peace to do that? I cannot fathom that death would be God's plan for AH or the kids or I.
I have a very hard time believing that my HP would have created such a hard life for the kids and I and my family with AH's addiction. I have a hard time believing that *this* is the plan that my HP has for my life. Addiction has not just been a blip in the road, it's been a decade worth of pain and misery. IRL, I did not find out about my AH's active addiction until a few years back. During the last few years AH has completely lied about it and I believed it (until the last 10 months or so).
Simply put, do I do all that I can to ensure that AH stays in rehab and works the program (deal with insurance, counselors, AH etc) and then turn it over or do I say you are where you are, detach and turn it over...or is a combo?
I see so many on here who are NOT struggling with turning it over to their HP. Whose recovery is shining. I'm getting there, but would like to get there a little bit quicker.
I'm sorry if this is a stupid question to some of you, I understand what it MEANS to turn it over but want to understand the process and how much I as a person can/should do before that happens. I'm wondering what turning it over means to YOU and how you can stay centered and focused on that.
Sorry if this ? seems dense. I've been thinking about it for a few days and haven't found the right words to put into a post that makes sense.
I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, I pray. When you turn things over to your HP, what does that really mean though. An example... Some of you may know that AH is in rehab, possibly may have to leave after 9 days because of an insurance problem. I of course have done everything that I can to prevent insurance from not going through. I've made the calls, paid the bill etc. Yes, this should be AH's responsibility, but it is insurance for my kids as well so this isn't just about him. When you turn it over to your HP do you usually do that before or after making all of the calls?
Another example - you know AH is a flight risk possibly with rehab. When turning it over to your HP do you still take calls to try to get his head on straight, work with counselors, his family etc to get him on the right track? Or do you say you're there, do the work, you need help, you're on your own quit calling and turn it over.
I also see many on here whose husbands, wives, children are in active addiction either in their homes or miles away. They HAVE put their loved ones in their HP's hands and seem content that they're safe and secure. They can go on with their life @ peace. I've not been able to find that peace. I know that AH will do what he'll do, but how do I release myself from this burden and put it into God's hand when AH about died last week from heroin? How do I find the peace to do that? I cannot fathom that death would be God's plan for AH or the kids or I.
I have a very hard time believing that my HP would have created such a hard life for the kids and I and my family with AH's addiction. I have a hard time believing that *this* is the plan that my HP has for my life. Addiction has not just been a blip in the road, it's been a decade worth of pain and misery. IRL, I did not find out about my AH's active addiction until a few years back. During the last few years AH has completely lied about it and I believed it (until the last 10 months or so).
Simply put, do I do all that I can to ensure that AH stays in rehab and works the program (deal with insurance, counselors, AH etc) and then turn it over or do I say you are where you are, detach and turn it over...or is a combo?
I see so many on here who are NOT struggling with turning it over to their HP. Whose recovery is shining. I'm getting there, but would like to get there a little bit quicker.
I'm sorry if this is a stupid question to some of you, I understand what it MEANS to turn it over but want to understand the process and how much I as a person can/should do before that happens. I'm wondering what turning it over means to YOU and how you can stay centered and focused on that. Sorry if this ? seems dense. I've been thinking about it for a few days and haven't found the right words to put into a post that makes sense.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
One of the hardest concepts for me to "get" about turning my life and will over to my HP was that I FIRST had to let go of any ideas of outcome. I had to admit that I didn't know what SHOULD happen, that my history of thinking "shoulds" had got me to unmanageability. For me, this INCLUDED the willingness to admit that even the most fearful outcomes could be what might happen, and I had to accept that. And I had to turn that over, that things I DIDN'T WANT might end up being the will of my HP. Maybe the will of my HP isn't that somebody self-destructs, but rather that they be accountable for their actions and decisions, and if their actions and decisions cause self destruction, then my HP isn't an enabler, and lets natural consequences occur.
When I was able to get that frame of mind, I was able to let go of a lot more enabling. I was able to look more clearly at what the adult addict could do for themself if they were WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS FOR SOBRIETY. Any time I stepped in to "help," I was actually robbing them of the opportunity to demonstrate to themself that they were willing to, and, indeed, had to go to any lengths to live a sober life.
So, then it boiled down to what AM I responsible for, to take care of: the needs of myself, and my dependents. And part of that was finding a way to meet these needs that was not dependent on what the addict did or didn't do.
It became really clear to me when I was able to look at it from this perspective.
Hugs,
CLMI
When I was able to get that frame of mind, I was able to let go of a lot more enabling. I was able to look more clearly at what the adult addict could do for themself if they were WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS FOR SOBRIETY. Any time I stepped in to "help," I was actually robbing them of the opportunity to demonstrate to themself that they were willing to, and, indeed, had to go to any lengths to live a sober life.
So, then it boiled down to what AM I responsible for, to take care of: the needs of myself, and my dependents. And part of that was finding a way to meet these needs that was not dependent on what the addict did or didn't do.
It became really clear to me when I was able to look at it from this perspective.
Hugs,
CLMI
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Callie - this is a personal thing and i think different for everyone because everyone has a different relationship with their HP.
For me it was knowing when something was out of my control and just accepting that there was nothing I could do but there was a lot that my HP could do. There are times when my action is required - i kind of look at that as the business side of this and i take care of my responsibilities. But when i turn it over to God its when i wake up in the morning and I think I cant handle another day and so I say God will you do it for me today. (those are my best days by the way.) I tell him what I'm worried about and ask him to worry for me. I admit what I cannot handle or control and ask him to do it his way not mine.
Its letting my HP work things out in his way and on his timetable. We want quick fixes and instant answers but that's not always the best way - sometimes its not about the soultion to the problem but the journey in getting there. So I handle my responsibilities but I let HP run the universe.
For me it was knowing when something was out of my control and just accepting that there was nothing I could do but there was a lot that my HP could do. There are times when my action is required - i kind of look at that as the business side of this and i take care of my responsibilities. But when i turn it over to God its when i wake up in the morning and I think I cant handle another day and so I say God will you do it for me today. (those are my best days by the way.) I tell him what I'm worried about and ask him to worry for me. I admit what I cannot handle or control and ask him to do it his way not mine.
Its letting my HP work things out in his way and on his timetable. We want quick fixes and instant answers but that's not always the best way - sometimes its not about the soultion to the problem but the journey in getting there. So I handle my responsibilities but I let HP run the universe.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Callie,
To me, its all about letting go of the outcome and its definitely a process but I can remember a definite turning point for me when dealing with my exah's addiction. I spent a couple of years struggling with my exah's addiction...trying to get him into rehab...trying to talk him into WANTING recovery for himself...trying to protect myself and our son from the financial and emotional fall-out of his addiction...my life was so out of control...I lived in constant fear.
One day it just became too much...I had tried everything I knew to try...prayed every prayer...tried everything I could think of...(many things I tried were just plain crazy and some of them were actually kind of dangerous) but nothing worked. I finally realized that nothing I could do or say would make any difference and at this point, I just handed the whole mess up to God and asked him to sort it out. I decided that I would just hold on for the ride and let God lead me where I needed to go to reclaim some sanity and peace in my life. I tried to just focus on the things I could control in my life and none of them involved my exah and the decisions he might make regarding his addiction or recovery.
It was a very liberating feeling to finally let go of it all. A feeling of peace came over me. I had to trust God to work this situation out and trust in his outcome.
Many times during my recovery process, I've tried to grab the reins back. There have been many situations where I tried to control, direct, or manipulate the outcome. Sometimes I see what I'm doing right away and sometimes it takes a while but this whole process of stepping back into the fray and trying to 'fix' things or control the outcome of a partiuclar sitaution is a relapse in my recovery. I have to go back to step one and distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't. Most things, it turns out, are beyond my control .
I really like this poem...I keep it on my fridge at home...and I stop and read it everytime I feel one of those relapses coming on...
To me, its all about letting go of the outcome and its definitely a process but I can remember a definite turning point for me when dealing with my exah's addiction. I spent a couple of years struggling with my exah's addiction...trying to get him into rehab...trying to talk him into WANTING recovery for himself...trying to protect myself and our son from the financial and emotional fall-out of his addiction...my life was so out of control...I lived in constant fear.
One day it just became too much...I had tried everything I knew to try...prayed every prayer...tried everything I could think of...(many things I tried were just plain crazy and some of them were actually kind of dangerous) but nothing worked. I finally realized that nothing I could do or say would make any difference and at this point, I just handed the whole mess up to God and asked him to sort it out. I decided that I would just hold on for the ride and let God lead me where I needed to go to reclaim some sanity and peace in my life. I tried to just focus on the things I could control in my life and none of them involved my exah and the decisions he might make regarding his addiction or recovery.
It was a very liberating feeling to finally let go of it all. A feeling of peace came over me. I had to trust God to work this situation out and trust in his outcome.
Many times during my recovery process, I've tried to grab the reins back. There have been many situations where I tried to control, direct, or manipulate the outcome. Sometimes I see what I'm doing right away and sometimes it takes a while but this whole process of stepping back into the fray and trying to 'fix' things or control the outcome of a partiuclar sitaution is a relapse in my recovery. I have to go back to step one and distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't. Most things, it turns out, are beyond my control .
I really like this poem...I keep it on my fridge at home...and I stop and read it everytime I feel one of those relapses coming on...
When you are searching for truth
and you can't find your way
when people don't hear
what you're trying to say
and the answers won't come
to the things that you pray
its time to let go
and Let God
Let go fo the bad
and the good will appear
Trust in the knwledge
that He's always near
that answers and choices
are always more clear
when you can let go and let God
Just life up your hands
and surrender your heart
Tell him your worries
and he'll do his part
let go of the past
and your future will start
when you finally let go
and Let God.
and you can't find your way
when people don't hear
what you're trying to say
and the answers won't come
to the things that you pray
its time to let go
and Let God
Let go fo the bad
and the good will appear
Trust in the knwledge
that He's always near
that answers and choices
are always more clear
when you can let go and let God
Just life up your hands
and surrender your heart
Tell him your worries
and he'll do his part
let go of the past
and your future will start
when you finally let go
and Let God.
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Posts: 1,991
I struggled with the concept too Callie.
As a kid growing up, I managed to convince myself that answered prayers were when things went my way.
Dealing with my AS, I had to get to the point that I felt there were no other options. Since everything I did, did nothing to change the outcome, it was either trust his HP, or trust no one.
The second option seemed so lonely.
I guess you can say I tripped in the back door of the "trust your HP" way of thinking.
With that said, there are certain things I would and do still do for my AS. When it comes to insurance and red tape, I'm better at the language. I would help any one of my kids with the same. And the encouragement would keep coming as long as I knew in my heart that it wasn't tearing me up, and getting my expectations up to a dangerous level.
Sometimes we can only do what we can do at the moment.
Hang in there Callie
((((Hugs)))
As a kid growing up, I managed to convince myself that answered prayers were when things went my way.
Dealing with my AS, I had to get to the point that I felt there were no other options. Since everything I did, did nothing to change the outcome, it was either trust his HP, or trust no one.
The second option seemed so lonely.
I guess you can say I tripped in the back door of the "trust your HP" way of thinking.
With that said, there are certain things I would and do still do for my AS. When it comes to insurance and red tape, I'm better at the language. I would help any one of my kids with the same. And the encouragement would keep coming as long as I knew in my heart that it wasn't tearing me up, and getting my expectations up to a dangerous level.
Sometimes we can only do what we can do at the moment.
Hang in there Callie
((((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Callie,
And I just want to add...that just because I turned things over to my HP doesn't mean that I stopped caring about my exah and hoping for a good outcome for him.
I still prayed for my exah. I still offered encouraging words when he need them. I still helped him in small ways so long as the help didn't put me at risk financially or emotionally (you know, the whole raised expectations thing).
Its a delicate balance...and its a constant balancing act...and no matter how much recovery we may or may not have under out belt, its still something to stive for each and every day.
And I just want to add...that just because I turned things over to my HP doesn't mean that I stopped caring about my exah and hoping for a good outcome for him.
I still prayed for my exah. I still offered encouraging words when he need them. I still helped him in small ways so long as the help didn't put me at risk financially or emotionally (you know, the whole raised expectations thing).
Its a delicate balance...and its a constant balancing act...and no matter how much recovery we may or may not have under out belt, its still something to stive for each and every day.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Callie 
I've made the calls, paid the bill etc. Yes, this should be AH's responsibility, but it is insurance for my kids as well so this isn't just about him. You did this for you and your children.
Another example - you know AH is a flight risk possibly with rehab. When turning it over to your HP do you still take calls to try to get his head on straight, work with counselors, his family etc to get him on the right track? NO
Or do you say you're there, do the work, you need help, you're on your own quit calling and turn it over. YEs
I know that AH will do what he'll do, but how do I release myself from this burden and put it into God's hand when AH about died last week from heroin? I cannot fathom that death would be God's plan for AH or the kids or I. This is the tough one- Letting go of the outcome because there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change it. It's up to your husband to decide how he wants to live his life.
I have a very hard time believing that my HP would have created such a hard life for the kids and I and my family with AH's addiction. I have a hard time believing that *this* is the plan that my HP has for my life. When I start up with this kind of thinking, I balance it with how absolutely unimaginable some lifes are, elsewhere, in Africa where hundreds of millions live moment to moment, forever. It's not right. It's not fair. And it could be me, if I happened to be born there. And yet it is.
Simply put, do I do all that I can to ensure that AH stays in rehab and works the program (deal with insurance, counselors, AH etc) and then turn it over or do I say you are where you are, detach and turn it over...or is a combo?
You are facilitating the insurance thing- creating the opportunity. It's up to him to accept it, or not. There is absolutely nothing you can do to influence his decision.
I see so many on here who are NOT struggling with turning it over to their HP. Whose recovery is shining. I am a work in progress, like everyone, here. Only thing certain is that everyone has struggled with the concept of letting go.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have a very hard time believing that my HP would have created such a hard life for the kids and I and my family with AH's addiction. I have a hard time believing that *this* is the plan that my HP has for my life. Addiction has not just been a blip in the road, it's been a decade worth of pain and misery. IRL, I did not find out about my AH's active addiction until a few years back. During the last few years AH has completely lied about it and I believed it (until the last 10 months or so).
My sponsor told me early in my recovery that I would have consequences of my actively using years for a long time into my recovery. I did not understand that at the time.
Now I do. When I graduated high school, I had been accepted into a very well-known nursing program at a 4 year college and had a partial academic scholarship.
When I left home and was no longer under the thumb of my rigid parents, I was completely out of control, and the end result was I walked away from that education because you just can't do drugs all night long and attend classes.
Through a series of poor choices in my life (DeVon's will, not God's), I ended up a single parent of not one, but two daughters after I got into recovery.
For the most part, I have had a series of fairly low paying jobs for the last 20+ years, struggling to make ends meet. Why? I made the decision (DeVon's will) to walk away from a college education that would have had me in the working field as an RN for almost 2 decades now.
Now at almost age 51, I am finally completing that degree, albeit in another field. Why? I made the decision (DeVon's will, not God's) to walk away from college at age 18 and indulge in the party lifestyle.
We all make choices and there are consequences to those choices, some bad, some good.
Your present circumstances are a result of AH's decisions and 'self-will run riot', which is what the active addict is.
For me, my life did not begin to change until I surrendered my will, admitted I was powerless over my addictions, and was willing to do something different.
Until I did that, everyone around me suffered, and that had nothing to do with my HP, and everything to do with my self-will. The misery and chaos around me were humanly created through me and my self-will in addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Callie, I struggled with turning it over to my HP for a very long time... I think it was more of a control thing with me.. I knew by turning it over to God that it was all out of my hands and that I was no longer calling the shots.. I wasn't ready to let that control go..
It took me reaching my bottom to realize that I was never calling the shots in the first place, I never had control over my AH's addiction at all..
To me turning it over means accepting things as they are and knowing that God always has a better plan... The plan may not be what I had in mind but in the end it always works out for my highest good..
I used to pray for my AH's sobriety, the removal of people places and things from his life and other things that I so desperately wanted.. while I truly believed God heard my pleas and in some instances I did see some of those prayers answered, I really feel like I was praying for my will and not Gods will.
I think turning it over is a life long process.. some days I hand it over willingly and then other days I snatch that problem right back from God because I'm tired of waiting for an answer.. I have come to learn that God works on a different schedule then I do and sometimes his plan is to let me learn some lessons the hard way in order for me to put all my faith and trust in him..
One of the best books I have read on turing it over to my HP is an Alanon book called As we understood it is a little gem of a book with people's prespective on turning it over.. I'm not sure if it's even in print anymore but I know that you can find it on amazon really cheap..
It took me reaching my bottom to realize that I was never calling the shots in the first place, I never had control over my AH's addiction at all..
To me turning it over means accepting things as they are and knowing that God always has a better plan... The plan may not be what I had in mind but in the end it always works out for my highest good..
I used to pray for my AH's sobriety, the removal of people places and things from his life and other things that I so desperately wanted.. while I truly believed God heard my pleas and in some instances I did see some of those prayers answered, I really feel like I was praying for my will and not Gods will.
I think turning it over is a life long process.. some days I hand it over willingly and then other days I snatch that problem right back from God because I'm tired of waiting for an answer.. I have come to learn that God works on a different schedule then I do and sometimes his plan is to let me learn some lessons the hard way in order for me to put all my faith and trust in him..
One of the best books I have read on turing it over to my HP is an Alanon book called As we understood it is a little gem of a book with people's prespective on turning it over.. I'm not sure if it's even in print anymore but I know that you can find it on amazon really cheap..
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Location: BC Canada
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((Callie)) First of all what wonderful and encouraging posts!! I really like outonalimb's poem.
For me it all comes down to trusting my higher power. When I am totally trusting him, then I have peace and not the fear and anxiety. But it hasn't been easy, I was praying and praying for my ason and my other kids, thought if I pray hard enough and the right prayers that they would change. But things weren't changing, my son is still drinking and my daughter still has emotional problems. So I have been getting to the understanding of acceptance and maybe I should concentrate on changing myself. All my whole being was thinking and praying about my kids. I had no life...I was praying for what I wanted not God's will...So I totally needed to turn everything over and trust God with the outcome, whatever it will be.
For me it all comes down to trusting my higher power. When I am totally trusting him, then I have peace and not the fear and anxiety. But it hasn't been easy, I was praying and praying for my ason and my other kids, thought if I pray hard enough and the right prayers that they would change. But things weren't changing, my son is still drinking and my daughter still has emotional problems. So I have been getting to the understanding of acceptance and maybe I should concentrate on changing myself. All my whole being was thinking and praying about my kids. I had no life...I was praying for what I wanted not God's will...So I totally needed to turn everything over and trust God with the outcome, whatever it will be.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Callie I know it's not easy when AH floors you with so much (mine does too). It becomes very distressful at times, sleepless nights, and the peace comes and goes in situations as these. I have felt very frenzied since yesterday. My AH pulled a dozie again yesterday, and I was floored. I was making phone calls upset about it all day til late 1am. I called for prayer again today, and was told by this prayer partner to "stand still and see the salvation of God." I'm telling you this was all I needed to hear. I'm at peace with this word, and I'm holding onto it and standing.
But to let go, means to let go. You are not responsible for the outcome. Remove yourself, let HP (His power) be in control. Although, take care of your responsibilities.
I know you are thinking of dissolution, you can make this decision, and not fear what your decision is. It is your decision.
Just pray, and stand still in faith.
Blessings,
NH7
But to let go, means to let go. You are not responsible for the outcome. Remove yourself, let HP (His power) be in control. Although, take care of your responsibilities.
I know you are thinking of dissolution, you can make this decision, and not fear what your decision is. It is your decision.
Just pray, and stand still in faith.
Blessings,
NH7
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Callie)))
This is a hard one. For me, this came slowly, but I did get there. One of the many things that made an impact for me was in a meeting, someone shared that recovery really started for him when he let go of God as he understoood him from his childhood, with God as he truly understood him. If that makes any sense. He was raised with a punishing, guilt prone God of his childhood. That was the God he was taught to understand, but when he finally got the concept that his HP was the God of HIS understanding, he went with the God that was in his heart and let go of the what others told him. Somehow for me, that helped.
One other thing that I say to myself when I start feeling Anger, Resentment or Fear I try to replace it with Acceptance, Love or Faith - The columns aren't coming out quite right, but hopefully you'll get the idea Negative vs. Positive for Past, Present and Future.
Negative Positive
Resentment Past Acceptance
Anger Present Love
Fear Future Faith
Just a few more ideas ...
(((hugs)))
This is a hard one. For me, this came slowly, but I did get there. One of the many things that made an impact for me was in a meeting, someone shared that recovery really started for him when he let go of God as he understoood him from his childhood, with God as he truly understood him. If that makes any sense. He was raised with a punishing, guilt prone God of his childhood. That was the God he was taught to understand, but when he finally got the concept that his HP was the God of HIS understanding, he went with the God that was in his heart and let go of the what others told him. Somehow for me, that helped.
One other thing that I say to myself when I start feeling Anger, Resentment or Fear I try to replace it with Acceptance, Love or Faith - The columns aren't coming out quite right, but hopefully you'll get the idea Negative vs. Positive for Past, Present and Future.
Negative Positive
Resentment Past Acceptance
Anger Present Love
Fear Future Faith
Just a few more ideas ...
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by cynical one
God did not create this life for you, you did. I’m sure he wants each and everyone of us to lead a life filled with happiness , contentment, and service.
Now that the addiction is out in the open and I know the TRUTH I can make a solid decision to stay or leave. Does that make sense??
Seriously, I'm just really trying to understand this. I'm not wanting pity a pity party - I just want to be on the other side of recovery that so many of you are. Yes, I know I'm stubborn and thick headed - just trying to understand and be at peace with my life. Thanks for your patience guys.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Callie
Ok, now don't brow beat me here, but THIS I have a hard time with. I did not ask for addiction to be brought into my life. I feel that I did the best that I could with the circumstances I was given. When AH and I got together as juniors in HS he was not addicted. For 10 years he hid addiction from me and everyone around him. Had I have KNOWN about his addiction, I would have had the choice to not get married, have kids, build a house with him. I was not given the privy of knowing the truth and make a concrete decision to involve myself with his addiction or not.
Callie, marriages fall apart and disintegrate every day, and that isn't always due to addiction issues.
Wouldn't it be nice if we were guaranteed a life where no curve balls were thrown at us?
It doesn't work that way for anyone, including people who don't have addicts in their lives.
You made decisions based on what you thought you wanted, a life and a family with your husband. You loved him, there were no signs of addiction when you made that decision.
Enter the huge curve ball, aka your husband's addiction.
Now the dreams, the expectations you had for your life have been shattered.
Your HP is still there, as he's always been, to help you get through this and as a stronger, more aware woman!
Your peace lies in accepting that your dreams, your expectations weren't fulfilled.
Your peace lies in working on your own recovery and healing the damage from active addiction in your life.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Geeze - I knew you two would be ready to pounce! LOL - I'm just having a hard time with the impending breakup of a marriage. I've always tried to do the "right things" as far as the course of my life was concerned. Graduated HS, went to College, got a job, got married, had kids, built a house. I never lived with AH, never did anything "out of order". This this big wrecking ball called addiction crashes through my life destroying everything in site.
I do agree that now that I KNOW what I'm dealing with, I can make informed decisions. You know my prayer 10 months ago when AH had possibly lost his job was that God's will be done. Once he lost his job I just kept thinking HOW can this be God's will? Maybe abandoned by my HP is how I felt??
Even now I find myself unsure how I"m going to handle everything should my AH's insurance OUR insurance fall through. You know I bought the kids workbooks about divorce. They work on them and then if they want to share it with me they can. DS came up yesterday and said his life was ruined. I said it's NOT ruined. It's changed, it didn't turn out the way we'd hoped or planned, but we'll be ok. We will too - I guess I feel very distant from my HP. The last 10 months have been blow after blow after blow. Just trying to reconnect with Him or find some peace with what my life will now be.
I do agree that now that I KNOW what I'm dealing with, I can make informed decisions. You know my prayer 10 months ago when AH had possibly lost his job was that God's will be done. Once he lost his job I just kept thinking HOW can this be God's will? Maybe abandoned by my HP is how I felt??
Even now I find myself unsure how I"m going to handle everything should my AH's insurance OUR insurance fall through. You know I bought the kids workbooks about divorce. They work on them and then if they want to share it with me they can. DS came up yesterday and said his life was ruined. I said it's NOT ruined. It's changed, it didn't turn out the way we'd hoped or planned, but we'll be ok. We will too - I guess I feel very distant from my HP. The last 10 months have been blow after blow after blow. Just trying to reconnect with Him or find some peace with what my life will now be.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
This is a really good thread Callie and I'm so happy you had the courage to ask this question. I have struggled with it too though some days are better than others.
I like to open any prayer (and they are frequent) with, "God, you know my wants and you know my needs - Your will be done". I guess it allow me to accept that I may not always get what I "want" but rather what I need because God will always take care of our needs.
Although what God does in my life is not how I would have it turn out, it's ALWAYS better in the long run. You don't know why God allowed this to happen in your life. We can't see that far but I promise you that everything that has happened, was going to happen anyway that that God's plan for you is in action and it will take you somewhere that you never imagined.
I recently read the book "The Shack" and Callie, although it's fiction, it really helped me to understand "why bad things happen to good people" or "how could God allow this happen to somebody - what possible good could come out of it". I do not think it's biblically incorrect.
See if you can get your hands on it. I have my AH reading it now. He usually reads stuff very quickly but he is going slow on this. I have to hope that it's because he's absorbing every breath of hope it has to offer. Just a beautiful story!!
I guess what I was trying to say is for me, when things get real rotten, it's easier to turn over my will to my HP but when things are plugging along pretty good, I tend to forget and I find myself trying to do what I should be allowing God to do. That's where I get in trouble. I've found more peace in times of challenge and despair because that seems to be when I can find my "on" switch.
I like to open any prayer (and they are frequent) with, "God, you know my wants and you know my needs - Your will be done". I guess it allow me to accept that I may not always get what I "want" but rather what I need because God will always take care of our needs.
Although what God does in my life is not how I would have it turn out, it's ALWAYS better in the long run. You don't know why God allowed this to happen in your life. We can't see that far but I promise you that everything that has happened, was going to happen anyway that that God's plan for you is in action and it will take you somewhere that you never imagined.
I recently read the book "The Shack" and Callie, although it's fiction, it really helped me to understand "why bad things happen to good people" or "how could God allow this happen to somebody - what possible good could come out of it". I do not think it's biblically incorrect.
See if you can get your hands on it. I have my AH reading it now. He usually reads stuff very quickly but he is going slow on this. I have to hope that it's because he's absorbing every breath of hope it has to offer. Just a beautiful story!!
I guess what I was trying to say is for me, when things get real rotten, it's easier to turn over my will to my HP but when things are plugging along pretty good, I tend to forget and I find myself trying to do what I should be allowing God to do. That's where I get in trouble. I've found more peace in times of challenge and despair because that seems to be when I can find my "on" switch.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
They say marriage is a "two-way" street. A disintegration or success of any relationship takes 2 people - the 2-way street. For me, to understand it, I pictured a 3rd lane going nowhere. I didn't have any part in creating that 3rd lane, but AH was on it, he and his disease created it, when I found out I was on it, I finally had to get off. I didn't have any part in creating that 3rd lane, but I did have a choice on whether or not to stay in that lane!
My AH is still in that 3rd lane, I hope someday he goes back to his own street, but no amount of rear-ending or side-swiping from me has veered him completely out of that lane yet. I sure got beat up in the process though and I couldn't take anymore, I had to get back to my street, make a lot of repairs, and I'm just merging back on.
My AH is still in that 3rd lane, I hope someday he goes back to his own street, but no amount of rear-ending or side-swiping from me has veered him completely out of that lane yet. I sure got beat up in the process though and I couldn't take anymore, I had to get back to my street, make a lot of repairs, and I'm just merging back on.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm just having a hard time with the impending breakup of a marriage.
Even now I find myself unsure how I"m going to handle everything should my AH's insurance OUR insurance fall through.
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by Callie
HOW can this be God's will? Maybe abandoned by my HP is how I felt??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Most people have a hard time with the impending breakup of a marriage, addiction present in the marriage or not.
Yes, that is true...
You're just like I used to be, Callie. I'll bet your head's 10 miles down the road before you feet ever hit the floor in the morning getting out of bed, eh?
:ghug :ghug
Yes, that is true...
You're just like I used to be, Callie. I'll bet your head's 10 miles down the road before you feet ever hit the floor in the morning getting out of bed, eh?
:ghug :ghug
Anyone have any good spiritual sites that they frequent? Spiritual, meditation anything that helps them stay grounded, focused daily? MM, thanks for the book rec. I've got two codie books I'm trying to get through right now. I'll put that one on my list.
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