Valentine's Day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
Valentine's Day
So my exAB lives across the street from me! We have been broken up for a year and a half but I have had 4 run ins with him that have resulted in nothing but hurt since then. WHY then do I want to send him a Vlanetine's Day card? I have done so much work on my codependant self and recovery and am much happier than I have ever been. But my draw to him is still very strong. His drinking is worse than ever and he is basically a hermit in his house. He has no friends, goes nowhere, just stays home and drinks by himself in the dark. I wish I could let him go but i still love him and for some odd reason a part of me wants him back! I hve to make it through VD without contacting him but am worried that I will cave.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Don't do it! You had the strength to leave, so you have the strength not to cave. Can you stay somewhere else for a few days so you aren't right there across the road from him? You are a good person so you feel for him. You see him alone and without friends and the good person in you wants to help him. But you can't help him. All you'll do is hurt yourself. Just stay strong! You can do it!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((hope))
have you tried writing down a hard core realistic list of the reasons WHY you are no longer with this person?
I know as time passes sometimes the memories of some of the things we dealt with in an active addiction type situation seem to fade - but having a concrete list of those things and really recalling the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I experienced in that relationship usually helps me put things in perspective.
Examples:
Yes, I may be lonely, but I was probably lonely and trying to take care of someone under the influence.
Yes, I may be sad, but before I was sad, scared and being emotional berated.
Yes, I may have feelings for this person still, but before I was my life was consumed with this person and I could have nothing in my life except him/her.
This just helps me acknowledge my feelings but yet also know that where I am today is a much better place and that I don't want to go back to where I was before. It's my HP's way of protecting my Progress but not expecting me to be Perfect.
HUGS to you,
Rita
have you tried writing down a hard core realistic list of the reasons WHY you are no longer with this person?
I know as time passes sometimes the memories of some of the things we dealt with in an active addiction type situation seem to fade - but having a concrete list of those things and really recalling the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I experienced in that relationship usually helps me put things in perspective.
Examples:
Yes, I may be lonely, but I was probably lonely and trying to take care of someone under the influence.
Yes, I may be sad, but before I was sad, scared and being emotional berated.
Yes, I may have feelings for this person still, but before I was my life was consumed with this person and I could have nothing in my life except him/her.
This just helps me acknowledge my feelings but yet also know that where I am today is a much better place and that I don't want to go back to where I was before. It's my HP's way of protecting my Progress but not expecting me to be Perfect.
HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
ma'am,
step away from hallmark.
I can't remember where it is somewhere in the sticky's perhaps? , it is a list of the characteristics of co-dependents,
and one of them (paraphrasing from memory) is that we assign “love” to other feelings: pity, being needed, intensity, pain etc.
I am a sucker for it. I have one friend (and this isn’t a very nice portrait of me and how I operate) who I don’t actually like UNLESS she has made a huge mess of her life, and is a bit depressed and needy and therefore needs me to be a shoulder to cry on etc….
When she’s happy and enjoying life, I find her flighty and insincere and annoying (this says everything about me and my perceptions and nothing about her). Pretty sick huh?
and I've btdt with obsessing about bfs after the relationship has finished taking them back/being unhappy for the same reasons finishing the relationship/being dumped AGAIN, back and forth....
What you have described doesn’t sound like love to me, it sounds like a need to rescue. Sorry if I am way off base. But I have been there, I get a lot of "feel-good" validation when I swoop in and rescue someone. When I think I'm needed. Not sure if this resonates for you.
WOW what a catch, I can see how its difficult to resist 
(the sad thing is of course, I CAN D'oh) tell you what, I'll fight you for him :oP
get together with your female friends, go off for a trip, go to the theatre/cinema/a concert/the beach/up a mountain whatever floats YOUR boat. Valentines day is full of unfulfilled expectations that hinge on the actions of another. He can change his life if he wants to. What wonderful lovely things are you going to do to make your life special?
step away from hallmark.
Originally Posted by hopefulone 
I have done so much work on my codependant self and recovery and am much happier than I have ever been.
and one of them (paraphrasing from memory) is that we assign “love” to other feelings: pity, being needed, intensity, pain etc.
I am a sucker for it. I have one friend (and this isn’t a very nice portrait of me and how I operate) who I don’t actually like UNLESS she has made a huge mess of her life, and is a bit depressed and needy and therefore needs me to be a shoulder to cry on etc….
When she’s happy and enjoying life, I find her flighty and insincere and annoying (this says everything about me and my perceptions and nothing about her). Pretty sick huh?
and I've btdt with obsessing about bfs after the relationship has finished taking them back/being unhappy for the same reasons finishing the relationship/being dumped AGAIN, back and forth....
What you have described doesn’t sound like love to me, it sounds like a need to rescue. Sorry if I am way off base. But I have been there, I get a lot of "feel-good" validation when I swoop in and rescue someone. When I think I'm needed. Not sure if this resonates for you.
Originally Posted by hopefulone
His drinking is worse than ever and he is basically a hermit in his house. He has no friends, goes nowhere, just stays home and drinks by himself in the dark.
(the sad thing is of course, I CAN D'oh) tell you what, I'll fight you for him :oPget together with your female friends, go off for a trip, go to the theatre/cinema/a concert/the beach/up a mountain whatever floats YOUR boat. Valentines day is full of unfulfilled expectations that hinge on the actions of another. He can change his life if he wants to. What wonderful lovely things are you going to do to make your life special?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I mistook feeling sorry for my X for love for a long time.
No offense, but I also clung to things like calling him my "ABF" instead of my "XABF", and called myself adjectives like "hopeful," "angel," "faithful," etc. I thought I'd made progress on my codependency but these things were proof that I really hadn't. I was still giving myself strokes and value based on how well I took care of somebody else, how much I laid myself on his altar.
Consider sending YOURSELF a Valentine's card, or taking yourself to a spa, or take advantage of one of those $39.00 airfares to someplace cool. Until you love yourself, you will keep on fantasizing about taking better care of him than you do of yourself.
There is no good reason to keep pouring your emotions into the bottomless pit of alcoholism. He does not appear to love you in the same way, and that unrequited "love" thing is always a sure sign that our self-esteem is messed up in some way. If only to prove to yourself that you are strong (and to regain pride in yourself), you might want to resist this temptation to prostrate yourself in front of him. That's masochistic, and seems like a giant step backward for you.
Hugs, and strength.
No offense, but I also clung to things like calling him my "ABF" instead of my "XABF", and called myself adjectives like "hopeful," "angel," "faithful," etc. I thought I'd made progress on my codependency but these things were proof that I really hadn't. I was still giving myself strokes and value based on how well I took care of somebody else, how much I laid myself on his altar.
Consider sending YOURSELF a Valentine's card, or taking yourself to a spa, or take advantage of one of those $39.00 airfares to someplace cool. Until you love yourself, you will keep on fantasizing about taking better care of him than you do of yourself.
There is no good reason to keep pouring your emotions into the bottomless pit of alcoholism. He does not appear to love you in the same way, and that unrequited "love" thing is always a sure sign that our self-esteem is messed up in some way. If only to prove to yourself that you are strong (and to regain pride in yourself), you might want to resist this temptation to prostrate yourself in front of him. That's masochistic, and seems like a giant step backward for you.
Hugs, and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Thanks everyone for this thread. For some reason I needed to be reminded of this. I had some strange thoughts about my AH, no stop my XAH, and needed a gentle SR reminder. I think I'll go home tonight and read some of my journal from last year when I left him, explaining the gut wrenching pain I felt for months prior and after leaving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
This is EXACTLY why I wrote this thread- I needed ALL of you to tell me ALL of these things! Thank you thank you! I am so glad I have a place to go to where people can really relate to what I am feeling and thinking! You are all dead on and have given me valuable advice I will reread and live until I make it through the awful love day! I will love myself on that day and plan to lavish my beautiful daughters with all the love I would have saved for my xAB! Thank you thank you!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Consider sending YOURSELF a Valentine's card, or taking yourself to a spa, or take advantage of one of those $39.00 airfares to someplace cool. Until you love yourself, you will keep on fantasizing about taking better care of him than you do of yourself.
Hopefulone, you deserve a real relationship. I agree the best place to start is the one with yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi hopefulone
I agree with everybody!! glad you saw the light
I am trying to extend this 50/50 new thing to me. If someone does not smile to me or say hi to me, even if I "know" him, I won't do it either. I won't be nice with people that are not nice to me. I won't care for people that do not care about me.. for any reason that is only theirs. Even if I just keep a handful of people in my life, these relations are way much more satisfactory..
Simple lesson!! I only took 27 years to learn this.
Hugs!!
I agree with everybody!! glad you saw the light
I am trying to extend this 50/50 new thing to me. If someone does not smile to me or say hi to me, even if I "know" him, I won't do it either. I won't be nice with people that are not nice to me. I won't care for people that do not care about me.. for any reason that is only theirs. Even if I just keep a handful of people in my life, these relations are way much more satisfactory..
Simple lesson!! I only took 27 years to learn this.
Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
You all are awesome! Thank you thank you all! I am so glad I found this site! Dreamer- It has taken me 41 years of HELL to finally start thinking about myself first! I am glad you've learned early on!
My 40's are dedicated to me! My codependent self is sure to keep creeping back in, it is a part of who I am, but I don't have to let it rule me!
My 40's are dedicated to me! My codependent self is sure to keep creeping back in, it is a part of who I am, but I don't have to let it rule me!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
anvilhead..thats great.. i dislike anything planned or artificial...
for that day i am planning to watch ALL Brad Pitts movies at home with my manicurist heh.. you are invited hopefulone.
it is great what you said, it rules when you notice your codependent or destructive thoughts and you are able to say to them
you are there
but you are not real
i wont act on you
i wont rehearse you.
i choose something else !!
you are doing very well..
for that day i am planning to watch ALL Brad Pitts movies at home with my manicurist heh.. you are invited hopefulone.
it is great what you said, it rules when you notice your codependent or destructive thoughts and you are able to say to them
you are there
but you are not real
i wont act on you
i wont rehearse you.
i choose something else !!
you are doing very well..
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