ToABetterMe

So why do I have to hear on a constant basis, "While I appreciate your decison not to drink".....
Follwed by everything from, Your not really the same person.
You used to like to have fun.
How come you don't pay as much attention to ME.

Among other things. This all coming from my husband! You know the one that told me he couldn't stand my drinking & hated that I was drinking almost every night.

So now I stop thinking it will make things better. But because he stays up & plays online poker, video games & drinks then he needs to come to bed & pick fights about how he thinks now that I don't drink that I am not the same, and don't pay attention to him!

I know this means I don't sit around & drink with him, so he maybe feeling guilty that he is the only one drinking & I go to bed by 11:00 now.

And no I'm not the "same person" I was when I was drinking every night, Incase we have forgotten that conversation, he told me he didn't like that person. Now that I am sober & back to the real me, I get to hear comments like "what you think your holyer than thou now?"
"Why cant you act like you like me any more."

UGH! So of course after 15 minutes of his BS, he falls asleep, why not he had 7+ drinks tonight, I would too.

But NO, guess who gets up because they can't sleep, watches TV for a couple hours. And now contemplates even laying down because I have to get up in 2 1/2 hours to get the kids off to school!!

Sorry for the vent, I just really am ready to

nelco

Hi, thanks for that, you really brought me back!! My husband got sober 18 months before me, and I used those exact words and more. Once the spotlight stopped shining on him it seemed to point in my direction. I called him "boring" and a lot more. truth is I felt threatened. I had a addiction problem and while I was focused on my husband all those years I never once looked at myself. I hated him drinking but now I hated him sober. What really was happening was.....I hated myself!! I was losing my "something" to blame and I did not like it. I used to have all the power and control ( all very unhealthy)and seem to be losing it... Now your hubby may or may not be in addiction and thats none of my business but he will certainly be affected with your drinking abuse and that takes its toll. There is help for that too....al anon etc...You have to try and stay focused on your own recovery & give time...time. There is nothing on this earth that taking a drink will make better for us...Its tough at the start in relationships but its also very common what you have shared and I hear it all the time at meetings. Get support for yourself & keep coming back....

lovinmenow

Im gonna be blunt T and I hope I don't affend you.

Not only is he jealous that you had the courage to quit, but now the spotlight shines on his drinking and he does not like it cause next thing? You will be asking him to stop. He can't hang in the shadows anymore. I am gonna guess that since you guys were drinking buddies that he may have some issues with alcohol too. Now here comes the blunt part. What is he doing ignoring you and playing video games and online poker all night anyway? That is the pot calling the kettle black. Who ignores who really?

You also have to remember that people stay stupid stuff when they are drunk so he may be saying things he doesn't mean. Also judging from his favorite pasttimes it sounds like he may be real young. Maybe if he goes sober too at such a young age you guys can take control of this thing and get some real romance back in the relationship.

Thanks for sharing and again, I hope I have not offended you. I am just a real blunt person and I like to call them as I see them.

four812

i find this part to be extremly helpful to know, in my own mind, with my gf.

also, everything else here is wonderful sharing and support. great thread

weekendbinger

Toabetterme: Thanks for "venting." That's what we are here for. Nelco's post is amazing. She's been through what you are going through and has great advise. Maybe you could try giving your husband a little extra attention when he is not drinking. But most importantly, take care of yourself. You are on the right path.....keep it up friend!!!

Fubarcdn

Change is always difficult.
Try to talk to him before he is drinking and see what is really behind all of his negative emotions. If you are unable to have clear and open communications maybe there is other things wrong besides the drinking. It will only get better after this happens.

yeahgr8

I don't think an alcholic is the same person as when they were drinking when they get sober. I'm certainly not and am very glad i haven't got a partner at the moment, everything for me is about staying sober and being in recovery, the rest i cannot and would not be able to be interested in at all!

I have read some posts from partners where one has sobered up and they are still together and things are working out great so hopefully a few of them will come across this thread. keep being sober and take the rest as it comes i guess:-)

ViciousCycle

I can't say much more than Nelco and Lovin....excellent insight. It was ok for him to drink alot when you were. That made it "ok." But I think since you quit, you are forcing him to take a good hard look at himself and I am not sure he likes what he sees..........hang on tight....it may be a ride, but you are strong and you will be just fine. It's time to spoil yourself and those kids!!!!! I bet they are LOVING it having mommy around!!!!!!!!!! :ghug2

Anna

Change is always difficult.

It's difficult for the person who is changing, and it's difficult for those close to her, who are watching her change.

Follow your heart!

James13

Like others have said, the intention here is not to offend.

To put it bluntly, this sounds like Alcoholism talking, along with some codependency. I have been in your husband's situation before, when my GF got sober 2 years ago. I had a huge pity party for myself, and as she grew stronger, my fears and insecurities grew stronger about myself. "How dare she be so selfish and forget about me!", I would say to myself in my head. But the reality was that she was now beginning to take care of herself, grow as a person, and become more independent of our sick, codependent relationship. And it was absolutely the right thing for her to do.

Then I went into my own world and got high all the time. Then we broke up, then I got sober. But this sobriety has to be for me. Her breaking up with me was the best thing she could have done. I needed to see what I was doing to my life and my happiness, and I needed to see how I was letting our relationship deteriorate so I could be selfish and use by myself. I needed to see I was becoming a shell of a person. (Btw, I am not saying you should or shouldn't do this, just my own experience.)

And we both have a long way to go, but it is so much better now, even with just under 2 months of sobriety under my belt.

A relationship where one is sober and the other is not can be difficult. IMO, your sobriety should be the priority here, before anything else. Good luck to you both.

Peace and love.

ToABetterMe

Thank you all for the wonderful advise & insight. Some of which I suspected, just not sure where to pinpoint. My husband & I got together when we were 19, we are 37 now. But we have always been friends. Managed to share the same interests for the most part. Camping, boating, fishing, games, hanging out with the same group of friends for the last 10 yrs, all of which are drinkers/partiers.

We really started drinking together on our 1st date, which was a Halloween party. I never thought he or I had a problem. But in the last couple years, its gotten to the point where we were drinking ALOT.

Things really spiralled little over a yr ago when we let one of his close friends move into the basement because he was divorcing & had no place to go. During the 5 months he lived there it really turned into hubby & him sitting in basement palying video games, drinking, or sitting the garage drinking & talking. I felt like the 3rd wheel even though it was my house. That is when I pretty much ok'ed with myself that I can drink anytime they were & they were setting the bar.

I really never looked back & even after he moved out we continued drinking regularly.

I know I need to do this for me, & I hate that I feel like the Dude in the relationship & I am suppose to constantly re-assure him that I am not goin any where, just trying to make myself & the family stronger. I just wished he could see that.

Thank you again for the people that were honest, it means alot to hear & helps me work on my next steps with this relationship. What ever that might be!