Paulos

Hello all, you know me, chairman of the meetings as I do an average job at... I'd like to show you all something from my journal...

"12:35am Well they sure did it this time, they practically *Mom
and Dan* insulted everything I do in jobs as in that I can't do it right, even Dan said if I do not
improve with my chores/things I do and DO NOT do I will be in a group home for sure, yeah as if it's my fault the house was enlarged making it even more difficult to run a household when I WANTED IT TO REMAIN THE SAME IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT WE HAD TO BUILD ONTO IT MY OLD HOUSE...ANYWAY... anyway, being an autistic adult is not pleasant, my mother insulted my
performance in a cruel way constantly for an hour,exaggerating at some things, if she's had enough then give up on me for cripes' sakes. Now everyone else will go to bed because they have their lives set when I don't, and as I said to them my brain ... I don't expect anyone to understand what goes on in my brain but yelling/screaming about it doesn't help me, it just traumatizes me, call it babyish, yes, but still
nevertheless it's how I react to things. My mother practically called me dumb "I should have the smarts to do this, and that" that's her quote, and broke down my self
esteem when she's saying I need to IMPROVE on things, which is like a joke, how can you help
someone when you're breaking down their motivation? I mean jeez... in the past, I had more
interest/insight into getting things fixed/done/etc ... now I'm not so sure, everything they said to me
tonight... the fact is all it did was reinforce my fear and worries and basically how it probably will end
up for me when I am alone, I better live it up while I can as I said, and I was depressed as well, and
no matter how good I do even if I DID GOOD the fact is they will ALWAYS FIND THE LITTLEST THING I
DID WRONG, SO, THEREFORE, ... HOW CAN I WIN? JEEZ.... I KNOW I'M AN AUTISTIC ******, they
don't have to remind me in these subtle ways, cripes... it'll take me days to recover from this, and
that shows I am not ready for the world. I don't know what to do. I'm even more depressed now than I
was earlier, and now scared/etc... "

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything ... I just had to share ... ... it... it's like they just don't get how I feel, and never, ever, will.

grateful2b

((((Paulos))))

Paulos

I'm losing it everybody, I'm losing it, .. .I 'm losing it. right now I don't know how much more I can take, im sorry to be a crybaby, good bye.

lunarise

:ghug3 Hang in there!

TWD660

I dont think so, your words a brilliant , very well spoken, nothing wrong as far as i can see,god bless you tim

Dee74

I've never seen you be anything less than capable Paulos.
You post, you chair, you chat here, you play all manner of computer games....
your communication skills, your cognitive ability and your dexterity are probably better than mine

I can't understand why chores would be a problem, but if they are - you need to communicate this to them as the adult you are.

If they're being less than fair in their criticism, then you need to convey that too - again as an reasonable adult.

You're not a child so you shouldn't expect to be treated as one.

And whatever they said - if it was hurtful, you don't have to accept it as truth.
They're people - they're not perfect, anymore than you or I are perfect, Paulos.

D

stone

They deffo sound like they were very insensitive, Paulos. I agree with Dee about your communication skills. I would say what you said here to them or write it down and show them.
Hang in there mate.

snowdog

((( Paulos ))) I am so sorry you are hurting... I agree with what the others have posted about your capabilities - I attended a chat you chaired and was so impressed about how you kept control of the group while making everyone feel heard.
Please keep faith in yourself!
God Bless...

Paulos

Everyone in my family thinks I am a loser, I can't win you see... I'll lose it all in a drop of a hat if they want me to, it's like I lived a life of solitude in the house never establishing myself even though with my autism I could never leave the house, bad paranoia, fear, anxiety *BAD anxiety* and autism... you usually choose one person like a parent to like be attached to naturally, mine was my mother but ... it's getting to be like I can't do that anymore, she's tired of it, I'm tired of it in my own way but they purely hurt me and I don't expect them to understand it. I am on the brink, all, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to ... do anything to be honest. That shows you, even though my mother was 50% DRUNK at the time insulting me, my former stepfather *dan* who is purely sober was agreeing how pathetic I am at skills and how I got to step up to the plate and be a man and grow up, god ... NO ONE UNDERSTANDS AUTISM, NO ONE!!!!!!! I barely understand it, I just suffer through it. I hate myself so much, and their opinions are important to my survival, so that's why I can't point my reasons out to them, and I'm too stupid because I had a bad education because I was born ******** and I was also always moving and I was home schooled and could never focus on my work, so therefore... I'm ranting but it's true, IT'S ALL FREAKING TRUE, I don't lie...... it's pointless, I don't know, I may be in a hospital tomorrow, I may be homeless tomorrow, but I know one thing, after all the fear/anxiety I was put through last night with them, I no longer can laugh or be happy around them, and they'll take that offensively but I'm DELICATE AND I CAN'T HELP IT. If I could be superman I WOULD BE, but I'm a puny WORM and that's that.

Dee74

Maybe the point I was trying to make before got lost Paulos - if you're competent enough to post here, chat here, if you're up to chairing meetings here, then I think you're competent enough to discuss this with your mom and her ex like adults.

I feel very strongly about this. I have my own set of problems, and Dan is right in at least one respect - you're a man Paulos.

Just because someone someone says you're something does not mean you are, and just because someone treats you like a child, there is no reason you have to accept that and react like one.

Good luck.

D

ToABetterMe

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry they are treating you this way.
I you & your parents can fid some common ground & you can find a way to share all you are feeling, and I truly hope they listen.

:ghug3

December15

I feel for you Paulos, my parents would constantly insult my ability as a kid - it's only now as an adult that I realise it was because they themselves were lacking in self esteem and were jealous of some of my strengths. Keep strong dude. I always enjoy your meetings by the way.

louis

Hi Paulos.

Please don't put yourself down. I don't know you but from what i have read here by you and others, you seem like a really articulate and respected member of this site who has done a lot of good for people.

Hey, when it comes down to it WE ALL learn at different levels and are better at somethings than others.
That doesn't make us ********, it makes us unique and individuals.

Be well
louis

flutter

I'm sorry your family is being like this with you.. and you are NOT a puny worm. I know sometimes we all feel that way, and I also know you're one of the first people to remind everyone of strength.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. I didn't know you had autism. I can't imagine the challenges you've faced, and it's completely unfair for your parents to be jerks to you (to anyone really!) but they do that sometimes. I hope things get ok for you, you know we're always here if you need to talk!!!

Paulos

I'd like to thank everyone for their POSITIVE comments, since I'm getting none from my mother or Dan. And my mother is being COMPLETELY critical, made me take my Wii downstairs and is also very moody... and seems not to care about losing me as a friend/ally/family member, amazing, and the best part is she doesn't even remember all the cr@p she said last night as the drunk she is, it's like she has IMMUNITY to it, that's cruel and unjust. Well, we have no choice but to co exist... she made it this way, she really did, it's sad. I just gotta get by I guess.