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Old 02-03-2009, 01:05 PM
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Unhappy New member

Hi I'm new to this site. I have a 20yr old addicted to drugs. He has been using since he was 13 then steady at 17. I think i have enabled him and dont know how to stop.He is learning disabled can not read or write and yes he has even graduated from school like this. But i have actually been doing everything for him.He is not employed hard to find a job when you cant read or write been all over the area looking.He was on ssi till he reached 18 then they didnt class it as a disability. He was in a car accident when he was 13 they kept him drugged up for 6 wks after he said thats when it first started i know hes smoked weed before that but i dont know about pills. When he was about 17 things got worse for him school jobs everything trying to deal with his handicap i know he was totally overwhelmed i seen him so he turned more and more to the drugs.He has stolen from me and it hurts so much. Hes been in trouble with the law right now hes on 2 yrs ard and is messing up right now he has not been in touch with his po since October and his po just called last week my son refuses to call him so i know what that tells me and where he is headed and hes never been in jail before..He was on the soboxone program for 6 mths when he had money come in did really well on it then when his financial state changed he couldnt pay the 250.00 i couldnt either for him i know he has gone back to using.. I pay his fine now since he has no income now. I know i have seen about people saying let them fall but i dont know how to let my son fall without picking him up and i dont know how to stop myself from stopping him from falling all the time because thats what i have always done.He has depended on me for so long. And i have taken care of him for so long. I just need help with dealing with this. I have absolutely no support system at all. I just want to help my son.. Thank you for listening..
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Old 02-03-2009, 01:21 PM
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Welcome new member

You've come to the right place. It must be incredibly hard to walk the fine line between supporting a son with a disability and trying not to enable. But if you've done his work for him so that he graduated without being able to read or write, it hasn't helped him much. In time you can develop the strength to let go and let live. I understand the need to just get him through things, but in the process he has learned nothing.

My suggestions: Keep posting here and checking back in. Look around on the site for similar stories/people- sometimes not feeling alone goes miles to helping you feel better. Attend NA meetings in your area so you can meet people and form a real support system. And think carefully...is there really no one in your life you can talk to? Sometimes we overlook the closest friends in our lives. Finally, maybe try and check out what social services are available to you and your son. If he has a disability it could be a matter of getting him tested again. My thoughts are with you. No one should have to go it alone.

((((myson88))))
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Old 02-03-2009, 01:33 PM
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No i didnt do his work for school or any of that i hold the school responsible for that part. I attended meeting after meeting to get him help the school district failed him..He was the child left behind. I meant i do his job searches dr appointments cancellations bill paying all that stuff. Sometimes i think i dont let him try more himself or give him credit to be able to do it himself..I guess i think what im saying is he could do more for himself then what i let him but im always wanting to protect him.. No i have no support but one sister but she is addicted also but she can relate to what im saying my other family just doesnt understand drug addiction they think you can stop it anytime...As far as testing they are strict here they will only accept their dr testing he was 3 points away from being mentally ********.. but that wasnt close enough for them.
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Old 02-03-2009, 02:06 PM
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My heart really goes out to you. So many things i want to say to you but i'll try not to overwhelm you to start with. The medically fragile child is such a different situation and so very hard on a mother. My son is diabetic and i spent so many years caring for his body and catering to him that i kind of created a monster - very needy, very selfish, and very expectant of me fixing everything for him. Your sons disability I can only imagine becuase he cant fall like some others can. I understand this - it is different when you have a child that cant care for themselves but maybe you can find him the help to learn to care for himself.

A couple of suggestions i have for you.

One test means nothing - this i would fight for because he needs this help and it may be the only way you can stop being responsible for him. If you working with the county level - move up to the state. If you are in the state level move up to federal. Try Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Website. Maybe he can at least get a partial disability. My son required help from a facility that could handle the substance abuse and could handle the medical needs - this is just non-existent if you dont have a fortune so i jumped through the hoops, kept moving up the chain of command and finally the state and federal started putting pressure on the local level. Everyone wanted to get rid of me but they didnt get rid of me until they gave my son the help that he has just as much right to as anyone else.

Even with a disability he can get a job - I know that Kroger in my area hires a lot of mentally disabled people. This could be a way he can work his recovery and learn to start supporting himself.

Talk to his PO - if he is open they may be able to open up a range of services for your son other than just jail. not all POs are going to be helpful but you may get lucky. If that doesnt work go to your local mental health department - push them to test and retest, find out other programs he can get into.

A lot of churchs also have programs to help disabled and you may find that they dont have the same requirements. I saw several church programs for this in my area. They may be able to help him not only with addiction but also some training that he is going to need.

Also call the United Way - you can just dial 211 and they may be able to help as well.

The hard part for you is detaching the two issues. You have an adult child that is not a capable adult and you have a child who is an addict. Even with a disabled child you can find boundaries - you can have limitations. Its going to be harder to figure these out but he's going to be better off once you do. With his mental capabilities it may be easier for you to think of him as a younger child with this problem.
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Old 02-03-2009, 02:12 PM
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Welcome to SR!

I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codependent, and I'm glad you found us! There are some wonderful people here, with a tremendous amount of support, and you will soon see you are not alone.

If your son is on probation and is not reporting, he is in violation. It will not matter whether you pay the fees, he will probably still be locked up, and as awful as it may sound to you, this is what needs to happen.

I understand that his learning disabilities are an issue, but he needs to face the consequences of his using. If he doesn't, he will continue using. It wasn't until I faced a LOT of consequences (which also involved being locked up for probation violation) that I even considered recovery.

When you've been enabling someone, especially a child, it is not easy to learn NOT to. I'm sure it goes against every thing you think you're supposed to do as a mom. Luckily, there are several parents here, who can walk beside you and give you some ES&H (experience, strength and hope). There are also a few of us RA's (recovering addicts) to share OUR side of what helped us go from being active addicts to recovering addicts.

What helped me the most was my family loving me enough to let me fall on my face and figure out how to get back up. I will forever be grateful to them for what they have done, and I am a stronger person because of it. I am also proud of what I have accomplished because I did it. Yes, they have been very supportive of my recovery, but it was still ME who took the steps to get my life back on track.

As far as his learning disabilities, recovery gives us a new outlook on life. We want better for ourselves in ALL areas of our lives. It is a shame that the school system let him down, but I would think there are still ways that he may qualify for help in learning to read and write, if he wanted to, and it would be free. Again, it would have to be something HE wants.

I hope you will read through some posts here, and keep posting. You will see you are among friends who understand what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-03-2009, 05:43 PM
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Welcome to SR! Winnie is right, there are many avenues you may not have tried to get SSI $ for him. Many groups that are there for the disabled. I also see stores in my area that hire the disabled.

To some extent I went through a period of time that I totally took control of my AD's affairs, you see she was in a very serious car accident and suffered a brain injury. She was 19 1/2 when this happened. She was in diapers, had to re-learn how to walk, write, etc. I took care of all of her issues, car insurance, doctors appts, the whole nine yards. My thinking was that she couldn't possibly do this on her own. Today I believe that this was the beginning of my enabling. You see, she was using at the time of the accident (almost killed herself & a friend) and she did get better (because of the brain injury...alcohol & drugs affect her even more so....the doctors advised her of that)
She is now 30 yo and up to 2 months ago was still using.

It's very hard to determine if you're enabling or helping when there are the added issues. But I assure you that you paying his fines are not helping. Been there & done that. When I got to Nar-Anon I finally learned the difference. That if it is something she can do for herself, then I have to let her. That's the only way she'll grow, mature, become an adult.

You'll find much help on this site. You may also want to look into Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings (they saved my life)

Keeping you & your son in my prayers.
Chris
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Old 02-03-2009, 07:41 PM
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Welcome to SR,((myson)) I have a son who is an alcoholic, he is 39, also a daughter that I have a hard time dealing with. I have been finding alot of help and support here on SR. I tried dealing with my worry and fears alone, but realized I need support from others. I hope you will find what you are looking for here. As others have mentioned Alanon is very helpful also. You take care...((hugs))
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:33 AM
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Welcome to SR. I have a 22 year old recovering heroin addict daughter. Lots of good advice above. I would add that I work with hearing impaired children and most of them have severe learning disabilities too. It is amazing what these children have done with their lives given their disabilities. Your son is clever enough to find drugs, he is clever enough to find a job. Another question is if he can't afford his Suboxone, how does he afford the drugs. My daughter would say that she wanted to be on Suboxone but did not have the money, but she always found a way to get heroin. Suboxone is $250 a month, her heroin was $75 a day. The Suboxone is way cheaper in the end. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-04-2009, 06:43 AM
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I work with Special Needs students and am curious as to his actual IQ, I know you said 3 points away from MR, but there are levels of MR. There are a lot of jobs that do not require people to read or write. Have you looked into Mental Health organizations that offer job training to people with mental limits? I agree that Suboxone is by far the cheaper than drugs and if he is finding money for drugs he can come up with money for Suboxone. Does he have a medical card for insurance and would this help pay for Suboxone? If you have a local college contact them and ask if they have students in the Special Ed. dept. training to become teachers that would tutor him for free just to get the expirence. That would look great when they were trying to get a job themselves. Best of luck I am also the mom of a 20 yr. old addict who is currently in a residential rehab program as well as a teacher so I do understand both sides of your problem. Keep looking for options.
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Old 02-04-2009, 06:59 AM
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welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. your story is so much like my grandsons.( little j.). he is also just 17 & he also was hit by a car at 12 yrs. old. he also has a learning disability & a small amount brain damage from the accident & also an addict. my heart goes out to you. my son (his father) is also an addict. little j. is has lived with every relative he has, (his mom is dead) while his father has been in & out of prison. little j. has been in rehabs, jail & two days ago was transferred to an adult prison faculity. what i am telling you is you can not make your son quit using. never, ever give up hope on him but read around, go to meetings & save yourself. between my son & his son if it was not for meetings & mainly this site i would be insane. it is hard to let go. i took baby steps. i finally realized that both of them are going to do what they want to. we can not love them clean. they have got to do it. let him learn that you will not support his habit. maybe you could get in touch with a mental health center & they will help with his medications. my prayers are with you & him. keep coming back.
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Old 02-04-2009, 04:37 PM
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At this point he is like a bird that has his wings clipped. You are the one clipping them.

You have trained him to be dependent. Reading between the lines of your post it appears that you know it is time to stop your behavior.

I have worked with learning disabled students who become capable, independent workers.
Uneducated Immigrants come here all the time with no English skills and get jobs, because they have a work ethic.
You have to believe it is possible and act that way too.

Of course the real handicapping condition at this point is addiction. The only help you should be offering is to find a treatment center for him. If he refuses let natural consequences take their course. Don't meet his obligations in any way or spare him from the very consequences that might lead him to seek a different way to live.

At this time you can change what you can, yourself. If you change you will focus on your part in this relationship.

IN my area there are al-anon groups for parents Working the program of alanon made a huge difference for me. My son is currently in long-term treatment. But I did the work, made changes, sought recovery, went to therapy and got on a spiritual path long before my son did.
You can too if you are willing.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. It seems you are willing to learn from those who have some of the same experiences you have.
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