Barbara52

I have learned that xAH has some sort of a tumor in his abdomen and apparently has had it for at least 1 1/2 yrs (shortly after I left him). He told a mutual acquaintence that he found a buldge in his belly in Oct '07 and that its growing to the point where it is noticeable to others. He has not seen a doctor (of course blaming me 'cause I didn't continue to pay his health insurance which is not really true) and refuses to see a doc to this day even though we all know he could receive care without insurance.

I am so saddened that this man is choosing death. He is of course still drinking like a fish also.

He has no thought for his daughters who will be devastated by his death even though they have a love/hate relationship with him.

Freedom1990

I'm so sorry Barbara. I don't know what else to say. :ghug :ghug :ghug

Barbara52

Thanks guys. Other being saddened at his choice, I really am not bothered by it. It's so sad that this man has fallen so far and is willfully ignoring his health. But it's his life. It's just too bad his girls will be harmed by this.

CAPTAINZING2000

The blame game

no real winners in it either.

Why are your responsible for insurance on your ex anyway?

Barbara52

Well in his mind, he deserved it ya know.

I actually had offered to continue his health coverage until he got a job or the divorce was final, whichever came first. But he lied and told me he didn't need it, that he had a job with benefits. So it was his lie that took the coverage away. Tough beans. Yet another choice he made that he has to live with.

j0hn0than1964

Babara,

Those are tough times that is for sure, and I feel for you and your situation. I can say a few things on this from the "A" side. I too used to use all types of situations to aid in my abuse of alcohol, that is for sure, which often included my being ill and poor poor me approach which would further allow me (in my own mind) to continue to more or less drink myself away. I would also be sure to place the blame on those around me, it is a tough situation to be in, I was not able to see my actions for what they were until I had been sober for a while. I dont have great advice on what you can do, other than as you may most likely know, until your exAH has the chance to take a good look at himself these things will most likely continue.

towards the end of my using I was very unhealthy I actually had stopped taking my heart medicine and totally ignoring all signs of poor health. I only say this because I did find my way out of that way of life and feel that if I can come from where I was anybody can and that includes your exAH if for no other reason his children at this point.

These are as you said choices he has to live with, however they are also real life items you are forced to be involved with to a degree.

Love
JT

BeyondBSC

Yes, drinking ones self to death is a slow suicide, not taking care of a tumor of some kind is just stupidity. I don’t think that he is looking for sympathy from you, or he would have came right out and asked for it by telling you…it has been a bit of time since he noticed the lump. I feel bad for your girls, that their father has such a problem that he is unable to deal with, that he avoids going to the doctor. I know several A’s that won’t go to be seen by a doc, due to the fact that they do not want to detox, so therefore, they suffer. It is sad. Hang in there. Just another link in the cahin.

CAPTAINZING2000

You're a good person for even making the offer to him.

CAPTAINZING2000

Just curious, how does he know what's going on without going to a Dr. ???

Barbara52

They are not my daughters. His daughters (from his first marriage) see me as the evil witch of the West and I have had no contact with them since I left.

Barbara52

I have no idea. I got this information from a third party who was just passing the information. They told what I've told you guys and that was the end of the conversation since I told them it was a shame but not my business.

I have no feelings about this other than the remote sadness I would feel about a stranger doing this to themselves. I have long since moved on, have had no contact with xAH since the sale of our house last Aug.

BeyondBSC

Aaahhhh…well, you are not evil. Someone out there notices that about you, me. You are a kind person to worry about them and him. He will be fine, they will be fine, and you are right where you should be, on the outside, just peeking slightly in! Stay back.

GiveLove

Your detachment is admirable, B52, and it's the reason you're such a gift to this forum. You know you can't control or change this, but feel sadness that a person - any person - would make these choices. And then you get on with your day....the only thing you can do under the circumstances. Hope he chooses life, but only he and his HP get to decide that.

TakingCharge999

Hi Barb
((hugs))
Very sad situation and reminded me of my exAH. His kidneys already hurt and he has tremors after a "good" party the next day. He just turned 27 and a friend of him told me he also wishes he cuts back. But yes, its between him and his HP.

You are my example of dettachment. I am sorry for the daughters as well.
I used to think of my step mom as a witch for years, it was until I recognized my dad was the one who took the decision of leaving us (and not the evil woman) that I could forgive her. They are still married and care a lot about each other so I was able to be glad for my dad. Probably they will reach the same realization with time... but anyhow. .that's also their stuff.

I see you have managed YOUR stuff really well. Thank you for setting an example!!

bookwyrm

:ghug3

This is one of my biggest worries for my AH and kept me with him for far longer than I should - because, of course, I can save him!! Letting go is about the only thing I can do. Still crosses my mind every so often though. I feel for you and his kids. Horrible disease with horrible consequences...

Taking5

Wow Barb, you took the high road on offering him insurance. But like you said his fault.

I bulging abdomen is often a swollen liver or cirrhosis, a real possibility in an alkie. Even this is usually manageable, but if he won't stop drinking and won't go to the Dr., what can he expect?

Barbara52

That is what I suspect it is. To my knowledge he has not stopped drinking either. I also suspect that part of the reason he won't go to a doc is because he knows it's his liver and this would involve admitting his alcoholism, something he isn't ready to do. I pray he finds a way to sobriety and gets to a doc.