New here with worried thoughts... advice please..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 19
New here with worried thoughts... advice please..
First of all I want to say that I admire all the brave people here that has either gone through hell cause of their own addiction or cause of others and that are working on it trying to become a whole person again. It takes a lot and it's wonderful to see such a blooming forum for it. please bare with my english it's only my second language.
I am a daughter of an alcoholic, it almost hast cost me my life quite a few times due to him wanting to kill me, trying to kill my mother who started to try to comit suicide so she tried to kill me too cause she didn't want to leave me with my father. Bottom line is, I have never been drunk, only tipsy 2 times in my life, and I drink about 2 glass of wine 3 times a year, it took me years to even dare to try to drink, and I was scared to death of any intoxicated person for many years before I forced myself to work at nightclubs to get over it. Which I have done.. I don't know where my father is today, but me and my mom have an awesome band and most of all that is water under the bridge... Except for one kink....
I have found a wonderful man,we have dated for a short while, and things are getting kinda serious. There is def days where I feel that this could be it, and I usually don't fall in love, but he is getting me there... I sit and long for him like a school girl.. *sighs at self*
He is very intelligent, hard working, funny, minimalist just like me, love dogs, we debate politics, religion, history, biology etc to no end. We rarely agree but we are both very respectfull individuals and do enjoy the mental challenge this is, and we both like to play the devils advocate and take on opposite in the debates... The other parts are just as good too and we can leave it at that..
Here's the kink...
He gets pretty bussed 3-4 times a week, usually Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (when school's off, he's 34 and work at a college).
However, he has very low tolerance, 1.5 twisted tea and he's all giggly.
IF we are with his friends who are college kids cause one is his best friends little brother and they all ended up working together, he drinks about 5-6 twisted tea, never more... If we are out, which is usually every Saturday he drinks 2-4 twisted tea at home and then another 4-6 drinks/shots at the place. Same thing Sunday.. Also he never miss work, it don't interefere with it, he never drinks/drive, he's very responsible, he stops intoxicated friends from driving and so on, the only one having problems with it is me due to the ammount and the days if it was ONE weekend a month I wouldn't say nothing but all the days of the week.......... (am I being oversensitive?? and yes tell me the truth I never get insulted I know I tend to overthink)
However, he NEVER EVER gets angry, arguing, never been in a fight, as a matter of fact he goes more sweeter and sensitive when drunk, which makes my heart melt at the same time I HATE it cause it's the alcohol. He knows how I feel about this so now adays fridays are MY day and he don't touch anything at all then.. (usually we go out on a lil dinner/movie/or I make a nice dinner at home). He is slowing down, apperently he is drinking less out now, but he has also admit to missing to drink on his fridays.
I don't think he's a pure alcoholic, but I feel like he's having one foot over the line and it can go a bit either way. If I had my wish he'd stopd rinking NOW, but him being irishman he has no plans on that... He says that when he gets kids he will.. but he has problems stopping his cigarettes (which is another pet peeve of mine, yes Im a horrible demanding woman) so he has the part of easy getting addicted as well.
I try not to nag him, I try to not show that Im worried, he knows that I am contemplating leaving it all due to the alcohol, cause of my father I don't wanna risk spending 20 years with someone and then it happens. The fact that it MIGHT not happen is not good for me... He understands part of it, but he don't understand my fear of how alcohol can change people lateron, and sometimes he does get a tad irritated about it not much but enough for me to feel uh oh... But I am also over sensitive..
I have only so far decided to give him more time, I have a busy year anyhow to see if he decrease on his own.. Meanwhile I am doig more research on it and yes I am studying his every move and Im counting his drinks, and Im trying to redirect his attention with coming up with constructive things we can do other than go out partying.
I know I probably sound horrible and demanding, but I know how hard such things can be, and to invest my heart in somethin that lateron might blow up in my face is very scary for me..
Any thoughts, advice, random thinking is warmly welcome...
Is he borderline? or am I overly sensitive? How do I best support him to not miss it as much or not pay attention to it as much?
Thank you for reading all this...
I am a daughter of an alcoholic, it almost hast cost me my life quite a few times due to him wanting to kill me, trying to kill my mother who started to try to comit suicide so she tried to kill me too cause she didn't want to leave me with my father. Bottom line is, I have never been drunk, only tipsy 2 times in my life, and I drink about 2 glass of wine 3 times a year, it took me years to even dare to try to drink, and I was scared to death of any intoxicated person for many years before I forced myself to work at nightclubs to get over it. Which I have done.. I don't know where my father is today, but me and my mom have an awesome band and most of all that is water under the bridge... Except for one kink....
I have found a wonderful man,we have dated for a short while, and things are getting kinda serious. There is def days where I feel that this could be it, and I usually don't fall in love, but he is getting me there... I sit and long for him like a school girl.. *sighs at self*
He is very intelligent, hard working, funny, minimalist just like me, love dogs, we debate politics, religion, history, biology etc to no end. We rarely agree but we are both very respectfull individuals and do enjoy the mental challenge this is, and we both like to play the devils advocate and take on opposite in the debates... The other parts are just as good too and we can leave it at that..
Here's the kink...
He gets pretty bussed 3-4 times a week, usually Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (when school's off, he's 34 and work at a college).
However, he has very low tolerance, 1.5 twisted tea and he's all giggly.
IF we are with his friends who are college kids cause one is his best friends little brother and they all ended up working together, he drinks about 5-6 twisted tea, never more... If we are out, which is usually every Saturday he drinks 2-4 twisted tea at home and then another 4-6 drinks/shots at the place. Same thing Sunday.. Also he never miss work, it don't interefere with it, he never drinks/drive, he's very responsible, he stops intoxicated friends from driving and so on, the only one having problems with it is me due to the ammount and the days if it was ONE weekend a month I wouldn't say nothing but all the days of the week.......... (am I being oversensitive?? and yes tell me the truth I never get insulted I know I tend to overthink)
However, he NEVER EVER gets angry, arguing, never been in a fight, as a matter of fact he goes more sweeter and sensitive when drunk, which makes my heart melt at the same time I HATE it cause it's the alcohol. He knows how I feel about this so now adays fridays are MY day and he don't touch anything at all then.. (usually we go out on a lil dinner/movie/or I make a nice dinner at home). He is slowing down, apperently he is drinking less out now, but he has also admit to missing to drink on his fridays.
I don't think he's a pure alcoholic, but I feel like he's having one foot over the line and it can go a bit either way. If I had my wish he'd stopd rinking NOW, but him being irishman he has no plans on that... He says that when he gets kids he will.. but he has problems stopping his cigarettes (which is another pet peeve of mine, yes Im a horrible demanding woman) so he has the part of easy getting addicted as well.
I try not to nag him, I try to not show that Im worried, he knows that I am contemplating leaving it all due to the alcohol, cause of my father I don't wanna risk spending 20 years with someone and then it happens. The fact that it MIGHT not happen is not good for me... He understands part of it, but he don't understand my fear of how alcohol can change people lateron, and sometimes he does get a tad irritated about it not much but enough for me to feel uh oh... But I am also over sensitive..
I have only so far decided to give him more time, I have a busy year anyhow to see if he decrease on his own.. Meanwhile I am doig more research on it and yes I am studying his every move and Im counting his drinks, and Im trying to redirect his attention with coming up with constructive things we can do other than go out partying.
I know I probably sound horrible and demanding, but I know how hard such things can be, and to invest my heart in somethin that lateron might blow up in my face is very scary for me..
Any thoughts, advice, random thinking is warmly welcome...
Is he borderline? or am I overly sensitive? How do I best support him to not miss it as much or not pay attention to it as much?
Thank you for reading all this...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I don't know what a twisted tea is. Getting giggly when you drink doesn't even mean you are intoxicated, it just means you are having fun. (in my case I would get beyond giggly and never stop at 1.5 of anything).
"Bussed"? Do you mean "buzzed" as in drunk? How much and how often does he drink? Does he have hangovers? Is drinking affecting other parts of his life? If so, how? Does this happen every time he drinks, most of the time he drinks, some of the time or rarely?
If you can answer these questions I'll gie you an expert recovering alcoholic's opinion on it (I used to drink a fifth of whiskey daily).
BTW I think you English is fantastic.
"Bussed"? Do you mean "buzzed" as in drunk? How much and how often does he drink? Does he have hangovers? Is drinking affecting other parts of his life? If so, how? Does this happen every time he drinks, most of the time he drinks, some of the time or rarely?
If you can answer these questions I'll gie you an expert recovering alcoholic's opinion on it (I used to drink a fifth of whiskey daily).
BTW I think you English is fantastic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 19
Thank you for the compliment on my english, glad I aint all to horrible..
No he gets bussed/tipsy on 1.5 twisted tea, its like a wine cooler/cider or something like that... 6% alcohol I think it is...
I wrote this in the text:
He gets pretty bussed/drunk 3-4 times a week, usually Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (when school's off, he's 34 and work at a college).
However, he has very low tolerance, 1.5 twisted tea and he's all giggly.
IF we are with his friends who are college kids cause one is his best friends little brother and they all ended up working together, he drinks about 5-6 twisted tea, never more... If we are out, which is usually every Saturday he drinks 2-4 twisted tea at home and then another 4-6 drinks/shots at the place. Same thing Sunday.. Also he never miss work, it don't interefere with it, he never drinks/drive, he's very responsible, he stops intoxicated friends from driving and so on, the only one having problems with it is me due to the ammount and the 4 days/week if it was ONE weekend a month I wouldn't say nothing but all them days of the week.......... (am I being oversensitive?? and yes tell me the truth I never get insulted I know I tend to overthink)
However, he NEVER EVER gets angry, arguing, never been in a fight, as a matter of fact he goes more sweeter and sensitive when drunk, which makes my heart melt at the same time I HATE it cause it's the alcohol. He knows how I feel about this so now adays fridays are MY day and he don't touch anything at all then.. (usually we go out on a lil dinner/movie/or I make a nice dinner at home). He is slowing down, apperently he is drinking less out now, but he has also admit to missing to drink on his fridays.
No he gets bussed/tipsy on 1.5 twisted tea, its like a wine cooler/cider or something like that... 6% alcohol I think it is...
I wrote this in the text:
He gets pretty bussed/drunk 3-4 times a week, usually Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (when school's off, he's 34 and work at a college).
However, he has very low tolerance, 1.5 twisted tea and he's all giggly.
IF we are with his friends who are college kids cause one is his best friends little brother and they all ended up working together, he drinks about 5-6 twisted tea, never more... If we are out, which is usually every Saturday he drinks 2-4 twisted tea at home and then another 4-6 drinks/shots at the place. Same thing Sunday.. Also he never miss work, it don't interefere with it, he never drinks/drive, he's very responsible, he stops intoxicated friends from driving and so on, the only one having problems with it is me due to the ammount and the 4 days/week if it was ONE weekend a month I wouldn't say nothing but all them days of the week.......... (am I being oversensitive?? and yes tell me the truth I never get insulted I know I tend to overthink)
However, he NEVER EVER gets angry, arguing, never been in a fight, as a matter of fact he goes more sweeter and sensitive when drunk, which makes my heart melt at the same time I HATE it cause it's the alcohol. He knows how I feel about this so now adays fridays are MY day and he don't touch anything at all then.. (usually we go out on a lil dinner/movie/or I make a nice dinner at home). He is slowing down, apperently he is drinking less out now, but he has also admit to missing to drink on his fridays.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I have a couple of observations:
1) Lack of tolerance - most early potential alcoholics have a HUGE tolerance (source: Under the Influence, great book). 1-1/2 ciders is amazingly low (unless you are an end-stage alcoholic where the liver stops processing alcohol almost entirely). However watch this tolerance, if it starts increasing, you may start getting concerned.
2) Frequency/volume - 3 to 4 nights is a lot. He does qualify as a heavy drinker according to our government (link to follow) look under "moderate drinking". Again watch and volume closely to see if it increases, especially to the level of his Saturday drinking. Also, are you sure he is not drinking more? If so, how are you sure of this?
3) 6% and how big is a single cider? American beers are a lot weaker, and smaller, than some European beers. Throw in a few shots on Saturday and his Saturdays are serious.
Alcohol and Public Health - FAQs
In terms of drinking consequences, in AA we have a thing called a "yet".
I haven't had a DUI. Yet.
I haven't lost a job over drinking. Yet.
I haven't had family issues over drinking. Yet.
You get the idea. So while IMHO he is certainly no candidate for rehab, you should make note of his drinking, and if it starts to become progressively worse, then he may have a problem.
Hope this helps.
1) Lack of tolerance - most early potential alcoholics have a HUGE tolerance (source: Under the Influence, great book). 1-1/2 ciders is amazingly low (unless you are an end-stage alcoholic where the liver stops processing alcohol almost entirely). However watch this tolerance, if it starts increasing, you may start getting concerned.
2) Frequency/volume - 3 to 4 nights is a lot. He does qualify as a heavy drinker according to our government (link to follow) look under "moderate drinking". Again watch and volume closely to see if it increases, especially to the level of his Saturday drinking. Also, are you sure he is not drinking more? If so, how are you sure of this?
3) 6% and how big is a single cider? American beers are a lot weaker, and smaller, than some European beers. Throw in a few shots on Saturday and his Saturdays are serious.
Alcohol and Public Health - FAQs
In terms of drinking consequences, in AA we have a thing called a "yet".
I haven't had a DUI. Yet.
I haven't lost a job over drinking. Yet.
I haven't had family issues over drinking. Yet.
You get the idea. So while IMHO he is certainly no candidate for rehab, you should make note of his drinking, and if it starts to become progressively worse, then he may have a problem.
Hope this helps.
Last edited by Taking5; 02-03-2009 at 04:41 AM.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Alcoholic or not, problems or not, it all comes down to what you're happy with Worriedwoman. If you're not happy with what or how he drinks what will you do about it? You don't need to answer that, just think about it. You can't change him.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think that your being here looking for answers shows that maybe your not completely comfortable with what's going on. Maybe your seeing something (like him drinking 3 times a week every week) that just doesn't seem right.
I've had a lot of people tell me to listen to my gut; so that is what I'm going to tell you. To me your post is saying something "feels" wrong to you. Many of our husbands where the most wonderful men in the world. Most of us did not marry them as the mess they are today.
Problems with drinking get worse over time. So if he is drinking 3 times a week every week now it will go up if he does have a problem. Trust and most of all listen to yourself. As others have said you'll never change him.
I've had a lot of people tell me to listen to my gut; so that is what I'm going to tell you. To me your post is saying something "feels" wrong to you. Many of our husbands where the most wonderful men in the world. Most of us did not marry them as the mess they are today.
Problems with drinking get worse over time. So if he is drinking 3 times a week every week now it will go up if he does have a problem. Trust and most of all listen to yourself. As others have said you'll never change him.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya worried!
Welcome-
I grew up with an alcohlic father too, in a family culturally steeped in alcohol and alcoholism. I had a lot to learn when I got out of there.
I amrried a man who I fell in love with and I thought I was oh so clever because I deliberately chose someone who didn;t drink. I thought in that way I was protecting myself from ever reliving that horrible pain.
I was wrong! My exH was an irresponsibiliholic (how's that for some bad english!!). He couldn't be relied on to do anything, to carry any responsibility. I started acting just like my mom - trying to get him to "see" trying to get him to "change" raging and being disappointed when he did the same stupid irresponsible things over and over!! I made myself miserable and I had to get out of that marriage.
AlAnon helped me see that the alcoholic dynamic I grew up with was really ingrained in my brain. I had to unlearn so many habits of mind, so many behaviors. AlAnon really turned my head around. And its free! One-on-one counseling also helped me alot.
Try looking at the AlAnon website - or go to a meeting. Growing up in an alcoholic home creates a lasting and deep impression on a child...I needed help to sort all that out and get my mind to a healthy place!
peace-
b
Welcome-
I grew up with an alcohlic father too, in a family culturally steeped in alcohol and alcoholism. I had a lot to learn when I got out of there.
I amrried a man who I fell in love with and I thought I was oh so clever because I deliberately chose someone who didn;t drink. I thought in that way I was protecting myself from ever reliving that horrible pain.
I was wrong! My exH was an irresponsibiliholic (how's that for some bad english!!). He couldn't be relied on to do anything, to carry any responsibility. I started acting just like my mom - trying to get him to "see" trying to get him to "change" raging and being disappointed when he did the same stupid irresponsible things over and over!! I made myself miserable and I had to get out of that marriage.
AlAnon helped me see that the alcoholic dynamic I grew up with was really ingrained in my brain. I had to unlearn so many habits of mind, so many behaviors. AlAnon really turned my head around. And its free! One-on-one counseling also helped me alot.
Try looking at the AlAnon website - or go to a meeting. Growing up in an alcoholic home creates a lasting and deep impression on a child...I needed help to sort all that out and get my mind to a healthy place!
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 19
dgillz, yes I am aware of the lack of tolerance being a good thing!!! Which I am very happy for or I wouldn't have still been there, same thing with his temper, he HAS NONE, which is another good thing. There is no personality changes, or no big ones, he turn more into a sobby man when he has been drinking and he sees me cringe about it (I don't try to hide my feelings, Im up front and honest about that I do NOT like this, so he knows he's hanging loose) then he starts crying. He says he has never felt like this about any other woman which is likely true, his actions shows it a lot, very attentive and caring person. Its just he loves the partying/alocohl and Im rather new in his life compared to that, but I feel that if he could control it, and he really dont wanna loose me he will cut back more rather soon, he has started but..
I am sure he isn't drinking except the times i know about, he is not th elying kind, (not yet), and it's so easy to tell on him, I can tell it directly over phone, text, behavior, cause he goes all clingy, he's kinda clingy from the get go but as soon as he has had 1-2 of his Twisted Tea Cider, my phone beeps every 3 seconds on the wednesdays when I play poker and he has his cleaning night..
you can find it on wikipedia if you type in twisted tea in google, I wasn't allowed to link..
I agree with you he's not a candidate for rehab yet, but it's the YET that worries me, do I wanna put in 5-7 years, then ahve kids and he is then so used to drinking he WONT be able to quit.. (he says that he will settle when the kids come to take care of them) that migh tbe what he would do, but it's the MIGHT that gets to me due to my background.
Lucy Im not looking to change him, if he want to change cause he wants me in his life, then it's up to him.. Im not the kind of girl who sits around, Im getting too old for that.
Brundle you are spot on I am not comfortable, but I am aware of that, I see warning signals, but I also wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a big deal of something tha tmight be rather small cause I can be very oversensitive (which is one of my flaws), that's why I wanted input on the situation from people who has gone through or are going through similar.
Bernadette you made me giggle "irresponsibiliholic" this will be one f my new favorite words..
I don't even know what alanon is?? Im very picky about my men however, usually I don't even date someone who drinks more than 5 times a year, I made an exception for the fact that he knew words of my language, he had an open mind and a very sharp brain.
I will give him some time more, if I don't see a change I will move on, it will hurt for a while, but I know it will give me more peace of mind in the long run. You canalways louse your spouce in an accident or you don't agree no more, growing apart etc, but at least Im removing ONE extra risk of it, and Im making sure that the bad circle ends with me. My kids are NOT going to have an alcoholic father..
I am really greatful for that you all have taken time to read and post, it's nice to knw that it wasn't me being hysterical but still rather logical and sane (or as sane as a woman can be)
I am likely to come back here, it's nice to talk to people that understand where your coming from..
Hope you all have a good Monday!!
I am sure he isn't drinking except the times i know about, he is not th elying kind, (not yet), and it's so easy to tell on him, I can tell it directly over phone, text, behavior, cause he goes all clingy, he's kinda clingy from the get go but as soon as he has had 1-2 of his Twisted Tea Cider, my phone beeps every 3 seconds on the wednesdays when I play poker and he has his cleaning night..
you can find it on wikipedia if you type in twisted tea in google, I wasn't allowed to link..
I agree with you he's not a candidate for rehab yet, but it's the YET that worries me, do I wanna put in 5-7 years, then ahve kids and he is then so used to drinking he WONT be able to quit.. (he says that he will settle when the kids come to take care of them) that migh tbe what he would do, but it's the MIGHT that gets to me due to my background.
Lucy Im not looking to change him, if he want to change cause he wants me in his life, then it's up to him.. Im not the kind of girl who sits around, Im getting too old for that.
Brundle you are spot on I am not comfortable, but I am aware of that, I see warning signals, but I also wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a big deal of something tha tmight be rather small cause I can be very oversensitive (which is one of my flaws), that's why I wanted input on the situation from people who has gone through or are going through similar.
Bernadette you made me giggle "irresponsibiliholic" this will be one f my new favorite words..
I don't even know what alanon is?? Im very picky about my men however, usually I don't even date someone who drinks more than 5 times a year, I made an exception for the fact that he knew words of my language, he had an open mind and a very sharp brain.
I will give him some time more, if I don't see a change I will move on, it will hurt for a while, but I know it will give me more peace of mind in the long run. You canalways louse your spouce in an accident or you don't agree no more, growing apart etc, but at least Im removing ONE extra risk of it, and Im making sure that the bad circle ends with me. My kids are NOT going to have an alcoholic father..
I am really greatful for that you all have taken time to read and post, it's nice to knw that it wasn't me being hysterical but still rather logical and sane (or as sane as a woman can be)
I am likely to come back here, it's nice to talk to people that understand where your coming from..
Hope you all have a good Monday!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 19
No he isnt calling me a nag or oversensitive, its ME calling me that or I try to avoid it rather to be such.. He is not the type, he is very good hearted and genuine, for someone drinking as much he is very respnsible. he don't drink when he has work the morning after, he don't drink and drive etc..
but his free life outside of work is almost only drinking, which is what I do react on.
and no I don't want to cahnge him but I hope that he would want to change himself, he says he don't have much money, I count on easily at least 60 dollars a week on booze alone. Which would be good extra money to tuck away for example, he still manages all his bills and everything, its just me seeing a solutin to one of his issues he says he has (low on money cause high rent), he also wants to loose the little tummy he has, another thing that wont be possible while drinking, and so on.
However you are right about the time limit, I can easily see myself be trapped here due to his very sweet person... That I could not agree more on so I thank you for that thought. and as I said, I usually don't date guys that smoke nor drink like this, he is the first one since I was 20.. He's just different from most people I have ever meet with a very hearty, positive, hard working attitude, his car totally broke down, and instead of complaining ver not being able to drive as he used to, he walks and take the bus. and he has 1h 20 minute walk home from work at night. he never complains, and he is very satisfied with his little life, he keeps everything in order (except for the laundry pile) which on all these we are very the same. thats why I don't feel he is a real alcoholic, at least not yet, but there is warning signs, my question is, do I dare to put my life on this guy, to comit to him...
Im trying to calculate the oddses for him to develop full blown alcoholism with personality changes etc which is almost impossible to do.
if I knew that he would NEVER change, and never turn violent, and always be respnsible despite drinking like this, I wouldn't care.. It's the personality change that usually comes along 10-20 years down the road that Im worried about, right now when he's drunk, he is absolutely adorable, not grumpy, not angry, not a trouble maker, just SO sweet through and through, its that POSSIBLE change in the future that is bothering me cause there is no way I can know....
Sorry for rambeling, hope it makes some sence...
but his free life outside of work is almost only drinking, which is what I do react on.
and no I don't want to cahnge him but I hope that he would want to change himself, he says he don't have much money, I count on easily at least 60 dollars a week on booze alone. Which would be good extra money to tuck away for example, he still manages all his bills and everything, its just me seeing a solutin to one of his issues he says he has (low on money cause high rent), he also wants to loose the little tummy he has, another thing that wont be possible while drinking, and so on.
However you are right about the time limit, I can easily see myself be trapped here due to his very sweet person... That I could not agree more on so I thank you for that thought. and as I said, I usually don't date guys that smoke nor drink like this, he is the first one since I was 20.. He's just different from most people I have ever meet with a very hearty, positive, hard working attitude, his car totally broke down, and instead of complaining ver not being able to drive as he used to, he walks and take the bus. and he has 1h 20 minute walk home from work at night. he never complains, and he is very satisfied with his little life, he keeps everything in order (except for the laundry pile) which on all these we are very the same. thats why I don't feel he is a real alcoholic, at least not yet, but there is warning signs, my question is, do I dare to put my life on this guy, to comit to him...
Im trying to calculate the oddses for him to develop full blown alcoholism with personality changes etc which is almost impossible to do.
if I knew that he would NEVER change, and never turn violent, and always be respnsible despite drinking like this, I wouldn't care.. It's the personality change that usually comes along 10-20 years down the road that Im worried about, right now when he's drunk, he is absolutely adorable, not grumpy, not angry, not a trouble maker, just SO sweet through and through, its that POSSIBLE change in the future that is bothering me cause there is no way I can know....
Sorry for rambeling, hope it makes some sence...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi worriedwoman!
The sad thing is that he can be wonderful BUT there is this other aspect of him that has the potential to be dangerous and hurt you. I tried to ignore it when I was with my ex but no, something did not feel right. I told him I could not go on waiting for the next drunken episode, I was not going to stay there to see when I was going to get hurt again. Its either the whole package or nothing, you cannot choose Dr Jekyll while secretly being afraid of when Mr Hyde takes over...
Easier said and done but if I had a friend like that I would keep contact AS A FRIEND, meet for coffee, discuss events, etc. and that's all.
Worrying about the other's drinking patterns is not life. Remember, you did not cause him to drink, you cannot control how many or when he drinks, and you cannot cure it... he is who he is and will keep on doing what he does and what you have seen so far.
Try to respect his right to make merry as he wishes while you respect yourself enough to take a decision that makes you feel good about yourself and your future.
(why does this sound so easy in writing??)
All the best!! glad you are here.
The sad thing is that he can be wonderful BUT there is this other aspect of him that has the potential to be dangerous and hurt you. I tried to ignore it when I was with my ex but no, something did not feel right. I told him I could not go on waiting for the next drunken episode, I was not going to stay there to see when I was going to get hurt again. Its either the whole package or nothing, you cannot choose Dr Jekyll while secretly being afraid of when Mr Hyde takes over...
Easier said and done but if I had a friend like that I would keep contact AS A FRIEND, meet for coffee, discuss events, etc. and that's all.
Worrying about the other's drinking patterns is not life. Remember, you did not cause him to drink, you cannot control how many or when he drinks, and you cannot cure it... he is who he is and will keep on doing what he does and what you have seen so far.
Try to respect his right to make merry as he wishes while you respect yourself enough to take a decision that makes you feel good about yourself and your future.
(why does this sound so easy in writing??)
All the best!! glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi worried-
AlAnon developed around the same time as AA, started by the wife of Bill W who began AA. She recognized that spouses of alcoholics had gotten sick right along with the alcoholic - and that people who love alcoholics share some similar unhealthy behavior and thought patterns that are not easy to break.
Check out this website - AlAnon is a 12 step program with meetings in many languages and all over the world. Most meetings last an hour and you can just go and listen - check it out- you don;t have to speak if you don't want to.
Here's the link - you should be able to find a meeting in your area...there are even meetings specifically for adult children of alcoholics-- you'll be amazed at how similar your experiences are with other people who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
peace,
b
AlAnon developed around the same time as AA, started by the wife of Bill W who began AA. She recognized that spouses of alcoholics had gotten sick right along with the alcoholic - and that people who love alcoholics share some similar unhealthy behavior and thought patterns that are not easy to break.
Check out this website - AlAnon is a 12 step program with meetings in many languages and all over the world. Most meetings last an hour and you can just go and listen - check it out- you don;t have to speak if you don't want to.
Here's the link - you should be able to find a meeting in your area...there are even meetings specifically for adult children of alcoholics-- you'll be amazed at how similar your experiences are with other people who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
peace,
b
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