ICant

AH is now going to AA and is getting something out of it. He has admitted he is an alcoholic but hasn't gone full throttle into recovery. He is dubious of the steps and doesn't have a sponsor - he is thinking about it. He has given up completely but just yesterday told the marriage counsellor, that quite honestly he sees himself having a few drinks again at some point in time.

His recovery is his business. I know it is going to take time. But haven't we been through this? November last year, he said he would only control drink and not come home drunk. Early January, that boundary was trampled on but not being able to maintain control drinking made him go to AA.

So far, his behaviour has kept improving, angry less often and for less duration, he is opening his ears to the others and is sharing personal stuff with me but then he goes and makes a statement like that. He is taking things a day at a time and maybe he said that to help him through. For instance, if somebody said to me you can't eat chocolate for the rest of your life, I would get angry but if somebody said to me, you can't eat chocolate today, I would be fine.

I am in Al-Anon and I'm changing my behaviour too. My recovery is about me but we are in a marriage with two young children so I do need to look at what he is doing too. There has been some genuine progress made by him and I appreciate that this is a huge shift he is going through but I got so discouraged when I heard that.

Boundaries - I'd like to say that if he was to get drunk again, I would leave but I said that before, thought I meant it and I didn't leave. What is it that I can't tolerate? I certainly couldn't tolerate him getting drunk 5 nights a week. I can't tolerate him getting drunk once a week because I know it will slide downhill. Could I tolerate him having one drink? Yes. If he was to get drunk again? Would that be a relapse or is he just between drinks but now they are just longer apart? When is the last time, the last time?

CAPTAINZING2000

there's a saying around here. Once you're a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again.

Admitting and accepting is two different words.

An alcoholic, can't drink.

I have to remind myself daily the pain a drink causes me and everyone that loves me.

Praying for the best for you and your children.

You ever talk to him about going to an open AA meeting with him?

Gold

ICant.... I could have written your post myself.
I have no answers for you. your boundaries are just that...YOURS.
The progress is great isn't it. For me its the uncertaintly. You never know if/when a relapse coming.

Daisy30

Lots of A's think that they can control it but for an A "one drink is too many and not enough all at the same time."

That is a tough boundry to keep when you are living with an AH. I am not sure how you can expect an A not to get drunk?
Or is he in recovery? Take time to think about the behaviors that upset you when he is drinking and possibly make some boundries around them. It does no good to have a boundry if you cannot follow through. Omaybe you follow through needs to be different. If you come home drunk...I will leave for the night....or sleep on the couch???

I dunno? take a good look at what is bothering you and why

Be gentle with yourself


ETA: What a great first step for him! going to meetings

ToughChoices

I've found alcoholism in my STBXAH to be a cycle of:
acceptance/humility/desire to change -
action/involvement/renewal -
doubt/resentment/determination to "do it his way" -
loss of control/sickness/chaos -
acceptance/humility/desire to change -
repeat repeat repeat.

I am bone weary of observing this cycle. I can really understand being frustrated by a partner's repeated attempts to control their alcohol consumption (in spite of SO much evidence that such a task is outside their ability!).

Best of luck to you - hopefully you'll both get off at the "action" stage.

Hugs
-TC