Need to Detach...but how?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 34
Need to Detach...but how?
I left my ABF in July. It was ugly - he left in the back of a police car. Cheating, stealing, multiple stints in rehab - he had done it all for a few years at that point and I knew I had to leave or I'd die. So here I am months later and it feels like 2 steps forward 5 steps back. I was laid off in October and I've been depressed but dealing with the exABF issue.
For some reason the past few days I just want to hear from him so badly. I want him to know I love him and I wasn't perfect but I tried. And I want to hear that he loves me too and he was just sick. Why??!! How sick is that! It's in the past and it was abusive and I lost me and my family hurt to see me hurt so much... Why am I crying and thinking of him and feeling guilty? I feel like I need closure - but there can never be closure with someone like him. I escaped without becoming an addict myself or going down with that ship...that should be closure enough. Thank God I am strong enough to know I'll never reach out to him again - but why do i want to so badly?
Sorry if this is fragmented - haven't slept much. I think I just needed to be heard.
For some reason the past few days I just want to hear from him so badly. I want him to know I love him and I wasn't perfect but I tried. And I want to hear that he loves me too and he was just sick. Why??!! How sick is that! It's in the past and it was abusive and I lost me and my family hurt to see me hurt so much... Why am I crying and thinking of him and feeling guilty? I feel like I need closure - but there can never be closure with someone like him. I escaped without becoming an addict myself or going down with that ship...that should be closure enough. Thank God I am strong enough to know I'll never reach out to him again - but why do i want to so badly?
Sorry if this is fragmented - haven't slept much. I think I just needed to be heard.
scorpgrl1978
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
I totally relate. You want closure because its sort of like you invested all this time, energy, and love into someone that you didn't get any sort of good ramifications for. Oh sure, you know its for the best rationally that you are no longer with that person, and that you are on the right path now for your own recovery, but there are still some unresolved feelings and emotions that you are wanting to have justified. I TOTALLY understand.
I wish I could tell you that talking with your ex-ABF would give you some of the closure and emotions you are looking for. And who knows, he may contact you in the future during his own recovery as a way of amending the wrong and hurt he caused you. Its always nice to hear I'm sorry from someone. But you may never hear that, and you need to know that now, because you must remind yourself of the type of person you are dealing with, which currently due to drug addiction and/or a possible personality disorder like borderline or antisocial personality disorder (only speculation), will not be able to give you, a rational healthy person the type of closure or love you are seeking. Again, maybe in the future he will approach you in his own healing to apologize, but until then you really cannot seek him out, b/c then you are looking for an answer that isn't really his to give right now. He obviously has his own problems and issues to deal with.
So how do you cope with these feelings then? I would suggest writing, emoting.....expressing your feelings to people that you know and love and trust that will listen with open ears....perhaps find some religious support? I know God has brought me peace in these areas that were so restless before, and I mean that...He really did. That love and caring, that apology that will help you to heal that you feel you need....if you can give that to yourself for now. Take yourself out on a date!!! If you could think of a day that would make you feel loved and cared for, try to find ways to bring that about for yourself....and, when you are ready...please get out of the house and try to do new things and meet new people. Give yourself time to laugh and be ok. That will help heal those wounds you have more than anything. I'm afraid that talking with your ex-ABF will only open new scars that will need healing all over again.
Take it day to day honey, but know that you are doing a wonderful job, and you are on the right path! I will pray for you.
I wish I could tell you that talking with your ex-ABF would give you some of the closure and emotions you are looking for. And who knows, he may contact you in the future during his own recovery as a way of amending the wrong and hurt he caused you. Its always nice to hear I'm sorry from someone. But you may never hear that, and you need to know that now, because you must remind yourself of the type of person you are dealing with, which currently due to drug addiction and/or a possible personality disorder like borderline or antisocial personality disorder (only speculation), will not be able to give you, a rational healthy person the type of closure or love you are seeking. Again, maybe in the future he will approach you in his own healing to apologize, but until then you really cannot seek him out, b/c then you are looking for an answer that isn't really his to give right now. He obviously has his own problems and issues to deal with.
So how do you cope with these feelings then? I would suggest writing, emoting.....expressing your feelings to people that you know and love and trust that will listen with open ears....perhaps find some religious support? I know God has brought me peace in these areas that were so restless before, and I mean that...He really did. That love and caring, that apology that will help you to heal that you feel you need....if you can give that to yourself for now. Take yourself out on a date!!! If you could think of a day that would make you feel loved and cared for, try to find ways to bring that about for yourself....and, when you are ready...please get out of the house and try to do new things and meet new people. Give yourself time to laugh and be ok. That will help heal those wounds you have more than anything. I'm afraid that talking with your ex-ABF will only open new scars that will need healing all over again.
Take it day to day honey, but know that you are doing a wonderful job, and you are on the right path! I will pray for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Just leaving doesn’t fix anything…
Just because he is out of sight, doesn’t mean he is out of mind….
What you feel is about you, not him. There is a reason why you are feeling like you are, there is a reason why leaving didn’t fix anything…it never does anyway.
It isn’t sick, it makes total sense…and yes there can be closure he has nothing to do with whether you find it.
And if you don’t, and if you don’t work on you to find out how the hell you got to this point to begin with, there is a huge likelihood that your life will just stay on repeat…In time you will find yourself back on the same ride somehow, someway, taking and thinking you deserve to be treated as….
Why do you need the questions running in your head to have answers…why do you need to hear, that he did love you and was just sick…
Is it the drug or the person to begin with.
I have found there are good and some really evil people in this world, and some happen to be addicts.
You have to go back to move forward….heal you, your life, find you, make peace with the things you couldn‘t control, peace with the decisions you made, and learn from each path you took….
The steps can help, counseling can as well…also write, and write some more journaling has some great benefits….
You are worth ever second of time you give to yourself.
Just because he is out of sight, doesn’t mean he is out of mind….
What you feel is about you, not him. There is a reason why you are feeling like you are, there is a reason why leaving didn’t fix anything…it never does anyway.
It isn’t sick, it makes total sense…and yes there can be closure he has nothing to do with whether you find it.
And if you don’t, and if you don’t work on you to find out how the hell you got to this point to begin with, there is a huge likelihood that your life will just stay on repeat…In time you will find yourself back on the same ride somehow, someway, taking and thinking you deserve to be treated as….
Why do you need the questions running in your head to have answers…why do you need to hear, that he did love you and was just sick…
Is it the drug or the person to begin with.
I have found there are good and some really evil people in this world, and some happen to be addicts.
You have to go back to move forward….heal you, your life, find you, make peace with the things you couldn‘t control, peace with the decisions you made, and learn from each path you took….
The steps can help, counseling can as well…also write, and write some more journaling has some great benefits….
You are worth ever second of time you give to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
I think that sometimes it has to do with EGO. I didn't want to feel that I had lost another relationship, I wanted this one to work. In hindsight he never really did let me down. He was doing drugs when I met him, he was seeing several women at any given time, he was irresponsible with money. He always treated me with disrespect, used me for anything he could get, embarrassed me, humiliated me, and threw me away whenever he chose to.
So who was the real idiot here? Him or me? I blame myself for allowing this to happen, and I no longer blame him. That is my closure and love has nothing to do with anything. I can love, but he can't, so why waste time. In active addiction LOVE to them merely becomes the word NEED.
It is better to lose a lover, than to love a loser! And sometimes we just have to give ourselves, what other people can't.
So who was the real idiot here? Him or me? I blame myself for allowing this to happen, and I no longer blame him. That is my closure and love has nothing to do with anything. I can love, but he can't, so why waste time. In active addiction LOVE to them merely becomes the word NEED.
It is better to lose a lover, than to love a loser! And sometimes we just have to give ourselves, what other people can't.
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