imallright

When I was in the midst of all the drama and simply trying to get through each day, I had no idea what I liked to do and/or what fun would look like. I had lost that. Some of those close to me would say, "you have lost yourself" and I had no idea what they were talking about... of course I had no idea that I mattered or had "a self" to lose at that time.

I would say things like, " I just want to have fun", but I had no idea what fun would look like or what I needed to do to feel good and have fun.

Once I was strong enough to see that it was the insanity surrounding me that was stopping me... I started to try new things. At first, I was alone, at home and didn't know how to get out of my own way. Even though the peace was nice and I didn't miss the anxiety or the chaos, I was overwhelmingly lost and alone. I felt almost as desperate as I did in the midst of the hell I was living, but at least I knew that hell.

I have started to venture out a bit more. Now, less and less I am feeling like "I want to do this, but.... and I am starting to stop "stopping myself" and I am just doing. For me it's about letting go. It's about not worrying about what might happen and starting do and live in the moment. That's difficult when you are constantly worried about what the result or ramifications might be.

Wow... I am rambling. Does this make any sense to others???? I will sy a special thanks to "Cats"... I think you just turned on another lightbulb for me! Thank you all for light and clarity you bring to my life!

frankly

It makes perfect sense. I really didn't start healing until I started doing things that I enjoyed, then I kind of overdid it for a bit, LOL but it sounds like you have come a long way, and even though it is scary, it's time to live again.

Hugs
B

BayAreaPhoenix

It's so hard to think about what we want. I know I was so good about finding things for others that they enjoyed. Heck, I probably knew what they liked to eat and watch on TV better than them, but I couldn't tell you what kind of jam was my favorite!

Yay for you! I'm still figuring out what kind of jam I like, I think I might not really like any - too sweet!

(((hugs)))

itisatruth

Makes perfect sense When we make others the focus of our lives we lose sight of ourselves. We spend/spent so much time and energy worrying about what he/she is doing or not doing that there is little left over for us. I'm happy to hear you are venturing out more and finding yourself again. That you are taking things easy - living in the moment - I think is a healthy way to work towards a better future for you. I'm trying to do the same and finding out about what kind of people I want to be around. Hugs~

BBD

This is a great post. We do loose ourselves in others addictions and with trying to help them we loose ourselves. I'm just now living each day for me and doing things I enjoy. It's fun not worrying all the time and I certainly don't miss that knot that was always in my stomach. I thank God daily for this site and you wonderful people for helping me so much. I'm off to the mall tomorrow and hopefully will find something fun for me. Smiles, Bonnie

Ann

Add me to the list of people who, when the chaos ended, just isolated in the "peace" and safety of my home. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to interact with other people, even my husband was working out west at the time, so it was just me and the cat working through some of my "stuff" in the safety of my home.

I learned the difference between isolation and solitude. One is healthy, one is not. And I began with baby steps. A trip to the store. A walk on the beach. Taking half an hour to shop for something for me. A trip to the library to choose a good book. Joining an interest group in photography and then making myself go, even on the field trips that were half a day or more.

I did this until I found balance and felt good just "having fun".

Codependency and my experiences had affected me far more strongly than I had known, and it was good to "rediscover" the new me, the me that was healthy and took care of myself.

Good post, imallright. And good reminder for me to take time to have fun on a regular basis.

Hugs

imallright

Thanks Ann... and all of you .... The dog and I have become best friends! I know that i want to get out. I know that I want people around me, but it is hard to reach out and connect sometimes. It still feels very strange to do something for me and not feel like I should feel bad about it or like I am going to "pay for it" somehow.

I guess the repeat experience of nothing negative happening and feeling good will reinforce that it's ok. Wow... sometimes it amazes me how messed up I let myself become.

justtired

I completely and totally understand what you're saying. I've been doing the same thing. I'm still dealing with my abf's addiction issues, but have recently decided to do more for myself. More FUN stuff!!! I went to a comedy club with my friends this past weekend and think it is the BEST therapy in the whole world. I haven't laughed and had fun like that in a really long time. I was also keeping myself from doing anything and getting caught up in the chaos. I feel like a real person again and am re-finding myself. Congrats imallright for making really good choices for yourself!