i need someone who understands

Old 02-01-2009, 01:11 PM
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i need someone who understands

I will apologize in advance if I ramble. My bf of 7 yrs has a drinking problem and is probably an alcoholic. A few months ago he got yet another drunk driving and this time it's a felony because it's a 3rd offense. (Actually more than 3rd, but that's what he's charged with.) We have a 5yo son together. My bf goes end of March for sentencing and is facing up to a year in jail. I already suffered from depression before this, but now I have enormous anxiety piled on top. I have so many things I could write about, but for now, I just need someone who has been there to help me through this.
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Old 02-01-2009, 01:12 PM
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Oh sweetheart. i haven't been there but cyberhugs to you.
Hows your immediate support network?
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Old 02-01-2009, 01:24 PM
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Well, my parents (I am 36 btw) know what is going on. But I just don't want to talk to my parents much about this. They like my bf, obviously are disappointed about the situation, but I don't want to make things so they dislike him so I don't tell them anything other than court information, etc. Our group of friends pretend to understand, but still encourage him to drink. Some friends, huh? His parents (father alcoholic) well, his dad doesn't get it, his mom is, well, I don't even know what to say. She is kind of not the brightest apple on the tree. When my bf spent a month in jail before being bailed out (by my parents) she was not supportive to me. She told me that I would have to be the mother and father now. She would invite us to dinner, then not call.
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:07 PM
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From someone who has been there I can say that being directly involved with the chaos of active addiction was more than enough to send me over the edge, had I not found Al-Anon and this site. The stress experienced is tremendous....but ...I learned that a good deal of it was due to my own choices. I had to learn a better way both for myself and for my adult son.

It sounds like his parents have had enough of things and are detaching for their own well being. I've had to do this myself and in fact...when I changed my behavior my son was forced to learn to take care of himself as any adult person should. Up to that time I would bail him out of trouble and actually enable his destructive lifestyle---all the while just meaning to 'help' and provide him support.

Keep reading and posting because there is hope and lot of people here who will share what we call ESH- Experience, Strength and Hope.
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:34 PM
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I've been where you are tired and it's not a fun place to be. My AH had his 4th dui four years ago and is still not driving. He was sentenced to jail time but it is an absolute joke here (he got to go on the weekends, Friday to Sunday night and that counted for four days -- it was three months of inconvenience really -- at least I knew where he was for the weekend!). The stress is major. I stepped back and let him deal with it all (lawyers, court -- all of it!) all by himself. I left him for three months. He almost lost his job -- sooooo because he was about to lose his family and his job, he went to rehab, sobored up and life was great. For about 6 months. He didn't go to address his problems or look at himself -- it was to save his a**.

Now I am in the process of separating from him and have lived nothing but lies and deceit for the past four years (way longer in total). I have reached rock bottom.

Have you decided what things will look like between now and court? Set up some boundaries? All hard things to do when you are in crisis and depressed. Do you see a counselor, go to Alanon. All things that could help you. Coming here has kept me semi-sane for the past couple of months.

I'm thinking of you and know that you don't have to solve everything right this moment -- one small step at a time
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:39 PM
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wow..am i glad i saw this post..i am going through something very similar with my adult alcoholic brother...he also had 3 dwi's and ended up in jail for a year about 16 yrs ago...he stopped drinking for 10 yrs and has been back at it for almost 6 now and worse than ever...started off he would only drink at home, then only drink if his wife drove, now he's back to drinking and driving everywhere...i pray for him every day that he doesn't hurt himself or someone else but as a 2 yr recovering alcoholic i need to distance myself and take care of me! my suggestion is that you do whatever you need to do for YOU!! let the bf live with the consequences of HIS actions...my family and i have committed ourselves to not helping him in any way other than he asks for recovery!
i hope this has helped! i wish you peace!
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Old 02-01-2009, 05:55 PM
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Hi tiredofhoping
Have you considered individual therapy or counseling?
There seems to be a lot on your plate now... but until I was ready to look at my own decisions with honesty I was stuck feeling the victim of my ex bf.
Remember alcoholism is progressive so I hope that you find the strength to choose what is best for yourself and for your son.
Please keep posting and welcome!
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Old 02-01-2009, 06:20 PM
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welcome! you have found a great place for support!

We have all walked in your shoes

HAve you tried going to al-anon yet? If not you should give it a try. You will find supportive people who are going through the same things you are.

Start educating yourself about the disease if you haven't already
Also check out the stickies at the top of this forum. Lots of good reading suggestions in the "classic reading"

Keep posting!
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:01 PM
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lots of great advice - thank you all. I am going to make an appointment for a counselor tomorrow. Today was a turning point for me. I am trying to do what I can to help myself and my son, because as hard as I try, he doesn't want help. Actually, sometimes he says he does. But actions speak louder than words. When he was in jail for 30 days, he wrote me all these letters that he wanted to change, that family is most important, he will never drink and drive again. (yeah, because I now keep the car keys hidden). I truly believe that he meant it all - at the time. He is going to counseling because his lawyer told him to - but he lies to the counselor. He told him he has not drank for months. (LIE). He had been a binge drinker mostly, but there were periods of time over the last year, when he drinks more than i know at the time, and more frequently than he normally would. Basically, his life has spun out of his control over the last year, he got fired from a job and now the ouil or whatever it is - it's the one step up from dui. i understand that he is scared about what is going to happen to him. while he is in jail, his heart will ache every day for our son who he loves dearly. but he refuses to talk about any of it even though I feel i really need to. he does not understand that I spend every minute of every day worrying about the endless problems that he has brought on our family. he did something really stupid today and i called him out on in and now he is pissed at me - i think because he knows i am right.

am i wrong in believing that i should be here for him because he is kind of halfway trying to get better, and i know if i left, he would be worse than he is now. all i want is for us to live together as a happy family. is that so much to ask?

okay, that's enough. i definitely rambled.
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Dreamer999 View Post
Remember alcoholism is progressive so I hope that you find the strength to choose what is best for yourself and for your son.
Wow, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I can already see it progressing, but I don't want to believe it. Here's the hard thing, which I sure lots of you have dealt with. If at some point I decide it is in our best interest to leave, how do I convince my young son that I am not the bad guy without saying his dad is the bad guy. I feel like he will forever blame me for leaving. I guess this is what I need a counselor for.
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by cmc View Post
It sounds like his parents have had enough of things and are detaching for their own well being.

Actually, not really. His dad still encourages him to drink. His mom is helping him pay for all the legal fees, counseling, etc. because we sure cannot afford it all. But she acts like nothing ever happened or pretends that everything is normal. she is an even worse enabler than i am! and so is his dad.
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by timetogo View Post
I've been where you are tired and it's not a fun place to be. My AH had his 4th dui four years ago and is still not driving. He was sentenced to jail time but it is an absolute joke here (he got to go on the weekends, Friday to Sunday night and that counted for four days --

He almost lost his job -- sooooo because he was about to lose his family and his job, he went to rehab, sobored up and life was great. For about 6 months. He didn't go to address his problems or look at himself -- it was to save his a**.

my bf will not be driving for a long time. right now, i have to get our son up at either 5am or 6am to drive bf to work which is an hour roundtrip. then hurry up and get son ready so he doesn't miss the school bus. then i pick bf back up in afternoon and drive him to counseling one night, and he is probably going to start daily pbts or drops, so that will be even more driving for me. yay.

his lawyer things that he may actually not get any more jail time, which is crazy. i mean, i want him home for our son's sake. truly, i wish he would get tether for a year- but that's just my control issue taking over.
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:44 PM
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He almost lost his job -- sooooo because he was about to lose his family and his job, he went to rehab, sobored up and life was great. For about 6 months. He didn't go to address his problems or look at himself -- it was to save his a**.



That sure doesn't sound to me like someone who is "kind of halfway to trying to get better" he sounds like someone in deep denial about their disease. Many of us die of the disease of addiction. Only a fraction of us recover and don't relapse. Do you want your life to keep spinning out of control?

Recovery is possible only for those who really really want it, because it's hard. The first step involves a complete acceptance of the disease. He doesn't sound ready for that.

You don't have to go down with this ship. Save yourself and get some distance for you and your son. You can always go back to him if he gets sober for a year or so consistently. But why stay in this situation? I don't see it as benefiting you and your son in any way. You deserve better.

KJ
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by tiredofhoping View Post
Wow, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, I can already see it progressing, but I don't want to believe it. Here's the hard thing, which I sure lots of you have dealt with. If at some point I decide it is in our best interest to leave, how do I convince my young son that I am not the bad guy without saying his dad is the bad guy. I feel like he will forever blame me for leaving. I guess this is what I need a counselor for.
We codependents have a tendency to 'awfulize' the future.

My youngest daughter who will be 21 this summer has had a father who has been next to non-existent in her life. He's been a sober member of AA for over 33 years now. He wasn't a father to his first set of kids when he was drinking (he's 20 years older than me), and that sure didn't change when he quit drinking either and had 2 more daughters later in life.

You know what? My daughter loves me, and knows which parent has been there for her through the worst and the best of times.

Believe me, it's far better to have one sane, loving parent than staying together for the 'sake of the children' and exposing them to the insanity of this disease.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:20 AM
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I
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:22 AM
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kj3880--That top part in italics is a quote from another poster - not my words.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:31 AM
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Thanks, Freedom1990. The issue isn't that he won't be a part of our son's life - they are very close and have a great relationship. It's not that my bf sits around home and drinks all day or evening. He rarely if ever drinks at home, and until recently, things were okay for us to have a couple of beers together, but I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. Anyhow, his drinking takes place out of the home (not that it's any better that way) and yes, my son does suffer for it, but my point is, at home, my bf is usually okay and things are good. obviously, other than the potential jail time in the future. and I am not "staying together for the kid," but rather because even though I say I am tired of hoping, I know that I will not regret trying as hard as I can to be here to support and help him.
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Old 02-02-2009, 11:52 AM
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OK. It takes what it takes for us to be done with it. You deserve your process just like the rest of us had it. We'd hoped to save you from the painful drawn-out journey that we all took with our alcoholics/addicts. I hope and pray that you do not have as painful a process as some of the women (and men) on this site have had. Keep us posted, and if it doesn't go the way you hope, we'll be here to help pick up the pieces and listen.
Love,
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:36 PM
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Thanks KJ. I just want reiterate though - that quote about going to rehab and whatever else it said - is not about my bf, I didn't write it. Okay, now I'm done with that.

Another thing I just reread in your first reply about my life spinning out of control. My life is not spinning out of control. His is. I have my feet planted firmly on the ground and am still living my life - and that goes for our son also. Yes, I have problems caused by him, but those are his problems, not mine. Now of course, I realize there are financial consequences, but I have my secret bank account and money stashed in the lining of my purse. I will always be okay. I might be sad or mad, but I know I am okay.
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Old 02-02-2009, 05:17 PM
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Hi Tired -- I think all of us have to go through our processes to do what we think we have to when living with alcoholism.

My husband was a great father -- he was a great provider, he built our home, he is an electrician. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for us. EVERYONE says he is the nicest guy you would ever meet -- give you the shirt off his back. That was then -- he isn't the same person now. He is a binge drinker (every six to eight weeks at first). For the 27 years we have been together (since 16), for the most part, life has been good. I didn't know how serious it was until about 10 years ago. His disease also progressed into cocaine -- a very expensive habit. He has spent enough money on that in 5 years to send both my daughters completely through university.

I never saw this coming -- it progressed sooooo slowly, that it was almost undetectable. In looking back, there were MANY MANY red flags but I was blind to them. As his behaviour got worse, my tolerance got higher. He has gone downhill fast in the past six months. And all the while, I promised myself I wasn't going to lose the man I love to this f*c#*%g disease. I fought, and I fought hard. I did everything I could (made his appointments, found him aa meetings, supported him through court, booked medical appts. drove his a** everywhere for more than 1/2 our years together) among many many other things. I am only now beginning to be able to look back and think, "what where you thinking".

I did what I thought was right for me and my children at the time. I have loved him for more than 1/2 my 43 year old life. It's not fair and it's hard to watch someone self destruct. But there came a time for me to admit that he was pulling me with him -- I had lost myself -- I had reached MY rock bottom. I can no longer LIVE TO HELP HIM and focus on only him. I have neglected myself and my daughters in the process, something I feel way more guilty for than I would have if I had of left 5 years ago. Hind sight is 20/20.

I remember the first time I posted here, someone said something to make me cry -- that is the first time I remember crying about all of this. How could that be? I was so focused on him, I couldn't feel anything myself. I have been crying ever since and it is liberating.

I'm trying to change all that. And now you can decide if you spend 2 mos, 2years, or twenty hoping and wishing that things will be the way you dream of. The way they "should be". It's your choice. I hope you continue to come here and read some of the amazing courageous stories -- it really has helped me

take care
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