marle

All H*ll breaks loose. And I played right into it. I am not kicking myself because I was taught a lesson on Friday night. My RAD has decided that college loans will pay for her to have her breasts lifted. You see she is still trying to fix an inside problem with an outside repair job. When she started telling me her fantasy Friday night instead of saying yes dear, I told her the cold hard truth. Her loan money will cover tuition and books and fees, there will be no boob job in there. And I payed for my truth with screaming and yelling and a F you on the way out. Next time I will let her have her fantasy and she can have her tantrum with the financial aid people and I can forgo a night of no sleep. Hugs, Marle

P.S. When she called yesterday to ask me for a favor (as if nothing had happened) I politely told her when she was ready to apologize we would talk.

Callie

Hugs to you Marle - I'm sorry you're going through this. You handled it beautifully though. It's hard to keep our composure when someone is being so unreasonable! Your recovery is shining through.

splendra

((((marle))))

I did not know someone could have a boob job with their tuition money. Jeeze and to think I wasted my tuition on tuition and books...I could have had a reduction instead...

Ann

Awww, Marle, trying to reason with the voice of insanity will get us no place good.

Hugs to you for what you are going through.

Seren

Hugs to you Marle, sorry to hear about the sleepless night!

Yeah....my BF says that his late AW used to try what he calls "mathematically prove I'm an A** H***".

HG

winnie12

Oh have i had a hard time with the fantasy talk. Our counselor and i have talked extensively about this subject but its still so hard. My son is convinced he is going to be a rock star especially since one of his friends just got a contract - now he's even more convinced. He's going to drop out of school, get a job in a pizza joint and take about a year until his big break comes through. No amount of pleasant conversation or highly emotional debate can convince him that he needs a backup plan. I just have to keep telling myself that its his life and he'll learn soon enough. It doesnt stop me from occassionally blowing my top.

Our last "talk" was about his desire to get his hands tatooed - hello - makes it hard to get a job, even in a pizza joint, when your hands are tatooed - of course all he say is he'll have his band so he wont need a regular job. Then there are the dreads he wants and he cant understand the impression he'll give with 2 foot long dreads. I have this picture in my mind of what he's going to look like at 20 - long dreads, covered in tatooes, unemployed, begging me to let him sleep on my couch because everyone is judging him for how he looks. I'm practicing my "no" already... actually its "he!! no."

greeteachday

I'm sorry your weekend got off to such a lousy start, but I admire the way you handled it. Since I never encountered that kind of temper tantrum in an adult child, I tried to imagine what I would have done in your shoes. Sadly I suspect my knee jerk reaction would not have been so graceful.

I'm very glad you established your boundary and let her know her conduct was not acceptable and you will not continue to allow it. Many hugs

marle

My daughter brings all her troubles to me. I try very hard not to give advice, etc. Friday night I just reacted. She has made great strides in other parts of her life but when it comes to self-acceptance, she has a long way to go. I think that a part of her was expecting me to co-sign yet another loan and when she realized that was not happening she upped the ante a notch. The thing that made me feel so sad for her was when she attacked the perfect codie boyfriend on the way out of my door, telling him that he could f off too and get out of her life. He just stands there with his mouth open and then dutifully follows her home and does her bidding. I understand how my daughter operates. He still thinks that it is his job to make her happy. I know I can't speed up the learning process for him. But it still makes me sad for him and the pain he is and will go through with her. It can't feel good for him when she throws him under the bus in front of her dad and me. Oh, well, it is what it is. And I will live to see another day. By the way, it is a beautiful day outside and I am going to go and enjoy it. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

Oh Marle.

I laughed when I read this. That's detachment ! So easy when it's not my daughter.

No doubt there are plenty of young woman scheming how to get their breasts enhanced to fix something that is not broken, cause then their life will be PERFECT, doncha know.

My little darling, without a pot to **** in, got her third tatoo, a few months ago. This tat reads " My Perfect Life" in Italian. We are not Italian, not that it matters. I blinked and realized that not too long ago, I would have thrown a major rod. Buy, hey, it's not my body and it's not my money and the world did not end.

And yeah, within a few months, she learned she had to keeps her tats covered at all times as one of the many conditions of being accepted into an EMT program. Don't get me started on the nose ring, my darling PIGIN.

marle

What Megan does not want to take responsibility for is her part in the why she is the way she is. She had breast implants when she was 18, which she paid for herself. The thinking was that this is what she needed to be happy. Well that did not work. So she talked me into liposuction as her miracle way to happiness. Cost me $6000. She went on to do heroin and gain 50 pounds. Now it is a breast lift because those same 50 pounds caused what she had paid $3000 to make perfect, sag. So it just goes round and round with her. Fixing the outside without fixing the inside. Mortgaging the future for a quick fix now. I know that she is not unique as many women do the same thing. I know that I can't fix her and it is not my responsibility to do so. But it still hurts because I know that under all of those f-its and big talk is a girl that is hurting and will continue to hurt until she gets it that the hole in her can't be filled with things from the outside. Now to keep my compassion without compromising my boundaries. That is real work. Hugs, Marle

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Marle)))

I thought when I was reading your post I was reading something a friend of mine had written (or two or three) - those with young adult daughters. Especially one, I think you have her clone there. Sometimes you talk to this girl and she's got it so together, she is mature, clear, SANE, and then poof (5 minutes later) - something happens or someone says something and the drama, anger, etc. ensue. Her boyfriend also follows her out like a puppy dog. I wish you sanity for the rest of the growing up years.

Extra hats off to parents during these years - I don't see anything about them easy, whether they're an A or not!

Freedom1990

Oh Marle! :ghug I have been on the receiving end of those tantrums more than once!

I have tried so hard to share my own personal experiences with both ADs in my trying to 'fix' myself through outside things, and I think youngest AD is starting to embrace what it truly takes.

She is finding such joy in working with her horse and seeing the progress that both of them have made in the 6 months she's now had him completely broken.

I continue to encourage her in all of her accomplishments and remind her that beauty comes from within.

I truly hope you enjoy your day!

grateful2b

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you" -Kipling

I think that is how it goes, lol,
As always, Marle, you are quick on your feet, and you do it with such grace...
...I apply the same rules of detachment, with my AD, to the daily stuff in her life as I do with the big addiction related consequences..don't dip my oar in unless she is asking for help and WANTS to take it ...the rest is hers... I know now, I can only show her what she is ready to see...dosen't mean I always remember that
Your share gave me a chuckle, Marle, I 'love' your style... hugs

mooselips

Well.
If I can get a tummy tuck, I'm going back to college.

Ah Marle, I do the same thing.
Try so hard to catch myself, and yet sometimes, at the right
time and moment, I'm caught off guard and spew my feelings.

The best part of ALL of this, is we know that we blundered.
years ago, I wouldn't have none my actions were in error.

Progress, not perfection is my mantra.

Love ya sweetie,

Chino

Good for you Marle! My 46 year old sister use her loan last year for everything but school. She was audited and will not receive another loan. Her answer was to move out of the country and start over.

marle

She did apologize. Seems that seeing a former classmate's wedding picture in the newspaper has made her feel badly about herself. She sees that others are so much farther in life than she is. I told her that it can be a positive in her recovery to remember how badly her addiction has affected her. I know that I remember the way I was and I never want to go back there and the only way to keep moving forward for me is to work my program. The same could hold true for her. Hugs, Marle

Serenity Bound

Sometimes it makes me wonder if they can comprehend reality at all! Each time my RAD got another piercing/or tatoo, she claimed it was to take her mind off of drugs. Yea, just b/4 she used again.

You did good!!!
Hugs,
Chris

Aysha

I know how she feels Marle. I too see old friends I went to school woth that have their careers and kids and nice things. And then theres me. 33 living at home with nothing mor than a use van to my name. No man...no kids...minimum wage job...no credit. I am like a huge teenager. I have gained over 100 lbs in the past 7 or 8 yrs. When I use to be skinny and really pretty. I have learned to accept that its just how my life is. And I could be where I was for the past 14 yrs.
I dont want to see anyone face to face because I am ashamed at my appearance at
times. Between drugs and aging. It is rough sometimes. And even more so to see others you grew up with nd then be reminded of all the things I chose to pass by with doing drugs.
It hurts and is embarrassing. But I know its not whats important.
None of those people will ever know the struggles I have endured over the years.

I too tend to take things out on my grams. But she takes it for what it is and has no problems letting me know about myself. LOL
She will come around. And good for you for keeping in your bounderies.
What helps me get over all that self esteem stuff is knowing I have a family that will love me no matter what.
Your a good mom Marle.

SistersHelp

Marle,
I really want to thank you for this post. There have been so many times that I've wasted my energy (a precious commodity these days!) trying to show my sister the facts that don't match with her reality, and like you, all I get in return is her anger. (Your daughter, at least, does apologize! My sister doesn't apologize for anything.)

I'm making a resolution to myself not to bother being the Bearer of Reality anymore.

THANK YOU!!
Lisa

Impurrfect

(((Marle)))

I'm glad she apologized. I spent years, thinking "if I lost weight, my life would be perfect"..it wasn't, so I always found something else that needed fixing. Nothing ever worked, including drugs. Now, at the ripe old age of 47, I realize that I can be happy just because. Hopefully, it won't take Megan nearly that long!

You're such a good role model for her, and such a good mom. Now, since you're so good at explaining reality, would you mind coming down here and telling my niece, Brit, that you don't get a car at age 16, just because you turn 16?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy