I'm here, dealing with it...a craving in progress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
I'm here, dealing with it...a craving in progress
I came very close to going out tonight. I took out some money from the ATM with the intent to go to the fabric store to get what I need for a dress that I'm going to make, all the while secretly hoping I wouldn't find what I wanted so I could use the money to buy wine instead.
Went to the fabric store, and didn't find what I wanted and my mind went "all clear- time to head to the bar" until I was about to walk out and the most beautiful rose colored satin fabric caught my eye. It was at a good price so I thought "here's my chance to get out of drinking".
I ended up buying three yards, which used up all the cash I had minus 1 dollar. I was very happy when I left the store and went back home.
I got home and checked Facebook and of course, my friends are saying what their doing tonight and it sure sounds like fun.
I still feel pretty numb and empty after getting the 'final word' from my ex and all I want to do is go out and have a good time like everyone is. I can't bear to be home by myself right now staring at the walls. The silence is killing me. I know it will pass soon.
I've thought it through a million times already in the last hour and the thought of drinking makes me ill. I don't exactly want to drink, I just don't want to feel this way.
I can't bear to go through it; go to the ATM and take out more money when I can't really afford to, then take the bus to the bar and have a small panic attack once I get there for knowing that I posted this and cower among my friends who will sense that something is wrong until I chug down a glass and get another just to feel okay. Then I will more than likely have another and another, black out and wake up tomorrow morning with a deadly hang-over and not know how I got home.
I don't want to do that tonight and I'm not going to.
I just feel like life is slipping past me by staying home every night just as much as it did when I was getting wasted every other one. I know that I'm in the super early stages and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and I should give myself a break.
This is a great place. I'm more than happy to be on it tonight. I just don't want to live a life of loneliness and isolation while I'm in my 'prime' while my friends are out there living it up.
I need something to 'fill' this hole and these nights I just don't know where it is. It seems there's nothing to do in this town with people that doesn't involve drinking. I wish I could move to another town and just start over.
Uggh...thanks for letting me vent.
Went to the fabric store, and didn't find what I wanted and my mind went "all clear- time to head to the bar" until I was about to walk out and the most beautiful rose colored satin fabric caught my eye. It was at a good price so I thought "here's my chance to get out of drinking".
I ended up buying three yards, which used up all the cash I had minus 1 dollar. I was very happy when I left the store and went back home.
I got home and checked Facebook and of course, my friends are saying what their doing tonight and it sure sounds like fun.
I still feel pretty numb and empty after getting the 'final word' from my ex and all I want to do is go out and have a good time like everyone is. I can't bear to be home by myself right now staring at the walls. The silence is killing me. I know it will pass soon.
I've thought it through a million times already in the last hour and the thought of drinking makes me ill. I don't exactly want to drink, I just don't want to feel this way.
I can't bear to go through it; go to the ATM and take out more money when I can't really afford to, then take the bus to the bar and have a small panic attack once I get there for knowing that I posted this and cower among my friends who will sense that something is wrong until I chug down a glass and get another just to feel okay. Then I will more than likely have another and another, black out and wake up tomorrow morning with a deadly hang-over and not know how I got home.
I don't want to do that tonight and I'm not going to.
I just feel like life is slipping past me by staying home every night just as much as it did when I was getting wasted every other one. I know that I'm in the super early stages and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and I should give myself a break.
This is a great place. I'm more than happy to be on it tonight. I just don't want to live a life of loneliness and isolation while I'm in my 'prime' while my friends are out there living it up.
I need something to 'fill' this hole and these nights I just don't know where it is. It seems there's nothing to do in this town with people that doesn't involve drinking. I wish I could move to another town and just start over.
Uggh...thanks for letting me vent.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Hang in there LaDita. You are not alone. I have nothing to do tonight but post on SR but that is a lot better than going drinking. I am fairly new at the sober thing too but I know how I would feel if I just went downstairs to the bar. It is right in my building and I wouldn't even need a coat. Read some posts of people that have slipped lately and see how bad the felt afterwords. You can make it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
LaDita I can t understand some of what you're feeling, but actually I drank at home and so it wasn't part of my socializing bit. I understand feeling like your life has become boring and geez remember how exciting it was when you drank? You have a bit of the voice talking to you tonight.
Do you like movies? You can do that sober and its much more fun because you can remember the movie the next day. You can go to the theater and buy that popcorn and soda and watch it with the other people in the theater or bring a friend.
Do you like bookstores? I love them! I don't have to go to buy books, but its fun just being able to buy a coffee and turn the pages of a book. You can meet some interesting folks there too.
Do you like pie? Go to a restaurant and buy a slice of pie and a cup of coffee. Bring a friend.
Are any of your friends sober? If not, consider joining a group maybe AA or some form of recovery group so you can meet some sober peeps.
My point is while drinking we think that everyone must be pouring that glass of beer or whatever tonight because its Saturday night, but guess what! I know many, many people that don't and find lots of fun things to do. You don't have to be alone.
Do you like movies? You can do that sober and its much more fun because you can remember the movie the next day. You can go to the theater and buy that popcorn and soda and watch it with the other people in the theater or bring a friend.
Do you like bookstores? I love them! I don't have to go to buy books, but its fun just being able to buy a coffee and turn the pages of a book. You can meet some interesting folks there too.
Do you like pie? Go to a restaurant and buy a slice of pie and a cup of coffee. Bring a friend.
Are any of your friends sober? If not, consider joining a group maybe AA or some form of recovery group so you can meet some sober peeps.
My point is while drinking we think that everyone must be pouring that glass of beer or whatever tonight because its Saturday night, but guess what! I know many, many people that don't and find lots of fun things to do. You don't have to be alone.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Hi honey,
I am so super-glad you posted here. Vent away - that's exactly what this place is for, and at times exactly like now. You said:
Good for you for realizing that. That's a step in the right direction. And you're thinking the whole thing through, too, right down to how it would go down tonight and how you would feel tomorrow. Another positive step.
You're catching on, honey, you really are. You're right when you say you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
HL had some really great suggestions. Do you happen to subscribe to Netflix? Their Watch Instantly comes in really handy at times like this! Check your cable company's selection of free on-demand stuff, too. Most of it is boring junk but there are some decent things hidden in there if you just look through it all. What about craft-type hobbies: scrapbooking, cross-stitch, knitting? Puzzles?
The biggest thing for you, I think, will be finding some sober friends. I know it's hard to sit around and find other things to do when you know all of your buddies are out partying it up. You just can't focus on that. You're doing the right thing FOR YOU and that's all that matters. What good is 'your prime' if you won't remember it later anyway?
*hug*
I am so super-glad you posted here. Vent away - that's exactly what this place is for, and at times exactly like now. You said:
I don't exactly want to drink, I just don't want to feel this way.
You're catching on, honey, you really are. You're right when you say you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
HL had some really great suggestions. Do you happen to subscribe to Netflix? Their Watch Instantly comes in really handy at times like this! Check your cable company's selection of free on-demand stuff, too. Most of it is boring junk but there are some decent things hidden in there if you just look through it all. What about craft-type hobbies: scrapbooking, cross-stitch, knitting? Puzzles?
The biggest thing for you, I think, will be finding some sober friends. I know it's hard to sit around and find other things to do when you know all of your buddies are out partying it up. You just can't focus on that. You're doing the right thing FOR YOU and that's all that matters. What good is 'your prime' if you won't remember it later anyway?
*hug*
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Of course you're going to feel like life is passing you by if you don't find sober people to hang out with and new things to do that don't involve drinking.
Have you been to any Meetings? I know once I went to a few meetings and met some people, if I chose to, I could be out every single night doing things with others if I wanted.
When I got Clean and Sober, I didn't know of anything to do that didn't involved alcohol or getting high. I had been getting high since I was 11 years old and bar hopping since I was about 16 (I always looked a lot older than I was when I was younger) I thought if I stayed home there was something wrong with me, only losers sit home on Friday and Saturday nights . . . or so I thought.
Glad to hear not only that you found the fabric, but that you haven't gave into the craving tonight. Just tell yourself that you just need to get through the next however many hours until the bars close and the stores quit selling alcohol for the night. Don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow.
Hang in there, I promise, it gets easier!
Judy
Have you been to any Meetings? I know once I went to a few meetings and met some people, if I chose to, I could be out every single night doing things with others if I wanted.
When I got Clean and Sober, I didn't know of anything to do that didn't involved alcohol or getting high. I had been getting high since I was 11 years old and bar hopping since I was about 16 (I always looked a lot older than I was when I was younger) I thought if I stayed home there was something wrong with me, only losers sit home on Friday and Saturday nights . . . or so I thought.
Glad to hear not only that you found the fabric, but that you haven't gave into the craving tonight. Just tell yourself that you just need to get through the next however many hours until the bars close and the stores quit selling alcohol for the night. Don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow.
Hang in there, I promise, it gets easier!
Judy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: California
Posts: 6
Maybe you can still go out with your friends. Tell them you will drive. You can still go out and have a great time. I love going to baseball games. I thought it would be impossible to go and not have my usual ball park food and beer. I went and still had an awesome time even without beer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Thanks so much guys :ghug
I feel alot better now. Anchorman came on TV and gave me a good laugh and made me forget all about it. I don't know what I would do without comedy. And speaking of movies and TV, I just got one more thing to do on my to-do list; get cable, quick! This digital television conversion makes it so I pretty much have to and I need some more stuff to watch other than basic TV (boring). Everytime I go to a cable-having friends house I am reminded of what I'm missing out on!
Yes, and I do need sober friends for sure! I tried to do the 'hang-out with drinking friends and not drink'-thing for awhile but it never works. Washington is a hard place to live as a sober person. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but it's true that there is very little fun things for adults to here other than go to bars.
I am still on the fence about A.A...I like it in alot of ways but it's just not for me.
I'll find some sober friends I'm sure, I know they're out there. I just have to put my feelers out and try to attract those ones.
I feel alot better now. Anchorman came on TV and gave me a good laugh and made me forget all about it. I don't know what I would do without comedy. And speaking of movies and TV, I just got one more thing to do on my to-do list; get cable, quick! This digital television conversion makes it so I pretty much have to and I need some more stuff to watch other than basic TV (boring). Everytime I go to a cable-having friends house I am reminded of what I'm missing out on!
Yes, and I do need sober friends for sure! I tried to do the 'hang-out with drinking friends and not drink'-thing for awhile but it never works. Washington is a hard place to live as a sober person. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but it's true that there is very little fun things for adults to here other than go to bars.
I am still on the fence about A.A...I like it in alot of ways but it's just not for me.
I'll find some sober friends I'm sure, I know they're out there. I just have to put my feelers out and try to attract those ones.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
We just got orders to North Bend Oregon. I need information on the schools there (my girls are 10 and 6), things to do, grocery prices, ..have at it. We'll be there in the middle of July. It looks like we have housing provided for us so we don't have to worry about that.
I know how you feel though. I volunteer, I'm learning how to knit, geesh I'm becoming my mother.
I know how you feel though. I volunteer, I'm learning how to knit, geesh I'm becoming my mother.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Boy, have you hit the nail on the head so-to-speak. I feel so much of what you do. Not drinking, at least at the beginning, feels very alienating. It seems like so much revolves around it. But I got an insight yesterday.......one of the girls I work with at my part-time job approached me friday while working in the wine shop.....I had told her I had a week under my belt.....she's one of those life of the party kind of people.....she wanted to know how I did it. I mentioned what was going on in my life, mentally and physically and told her about this site. She wants to quit..........yep.
My point to this is........yeah, we see all these people having "fun." We feel like we are on the outside looking in and missing out. But in reality, I bet half these people wake up in the morning like some of us used to and say.......wow, I feel like sh$$ and need to quit. They are still masking alot of things and it catches them every morning.
We get to wake up clean with no guilt......I don't think it's all we perceive it to be at a glance.......does that make sense?
Sorry for the book.....
My point to this is........yeah, we see all these people having "fun." We feel like we are on the outside looking in and missing out. But in reality, I bet half these people wake up in the morning like some of us used to and say.......wow, I feel like sh$$ and need to quit. They are still masking alot of things and it catches them every morning.
We get to wake up clean with no guilt......I don't think it's all we perceive it to be at a glance.......does that make sense?
Sorry for the book.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Viciouscycle, don't worry about writing 'books' on here; we're here to share in any way we can or know how. I have a habit of writing novels on here myself, so don't worry.
I'm glad that I didn't drink last night but today felt like one of those days that it wouldn't have mattered if I did. I really should have hunkered down at home or stayed in bed all day and watched the Superbowl, but instead I ran around town like a chicken with it's head cut off looking for this or that and I ended up blowing money on some fatty treats that made my blood sugar sky rocket and feeling frazzled and confused throughout.
Then I got really crabby and took it out on a few strangers, not directly, just bitchy passive-aggressive stuff, it worries me because I haven't felt that way or done that in a long time.
Part of me is telling me not to be so hard on myself and just take it easy, rest and relax, but another part of me is telling me that if I don't get out of the house and do something everyday then I'm lazy and my life is going to waste.
I would really love to hear other people's stories of early sobriety and what they went through; slept alot, hardly at all? Hermit? Busy-body?
One thing though that I'm really happy about is is that I finally got back to a couple of people about some things I've been really apprehensive about doing with them and told them I wasn't ready. I've been putting it off for a long time in fear of their reaction. I have a few more of those types of call to make tomorrow.
I'm glad that I didn't drink last night but today felt like one of those days that it wouldn't have mattered if I did. I really should have hunkered down at home or stayed in bed all day and watched the Superbowl, but instead I ran around town like a chicken with it's head cut off looking for this or that and I ended up blowing money on some fatty treats that made my blood sugar sky rocket and feeling frazzled and confused throughout.
Then I got really crabby and took it out on a few strangers, not directly, just bitchy passive-aggressive stuff, it worries me because I haven't felt that way or done that in a long time.
Part of me is telling me not to be so hard on myself and just take it easy, rest and relax, but another part of me is telling me that if I don't get out of the house and do something everyday then I'm lazy and my life is going to waste.
I would really love to hear other people's stories of early sobriety and what they went through; slept alot, hardly at all? Hermit? Busy-body?
One thing though that I'm really happy about is is that I finally got back to a couple of people about some things I've been really apprehensive about doing with them and told them I wasn't ready. I've been putting it off for a long time in fear of their reaction. I have a few more of those types of call to make tomorrow.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I am 3 weeks or so in and last night was the dirst night I slept in. I still get annoyed at strangers on the street but I always have. I think it is because some people are so terribly rude. ( won't share the sidewalk, etc.) I go to the gym 5 days a week but I always did that, more or less, too when I was drinking. Your neves are a bit frazzled but this will pass. Keep it up you are doing great. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Thanks. I had a great productive day today and now I feel very restless. There is *alot* going on. I have two pending photo-shoots with a couple of photographers that I'm really nervous about doing. I am trying to get a modeling portfolio together and it's been a long time since I've had my photo's professionally done so I'm nervous how it'll go.
I'm also starting to think that my counselor isn't working out for me. Our last session (4th one so far) we just kind of went around in circles with me doing all the talking and her going "Hmm...".
Then she told me she wanted me to join this DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, I think) therapy group that she and her co-worker (another counselor who works there who really gave me the creeps for some reason) are starting and I just don't feel ready to be in any part of a group, especially seeing how most of their clients are really bad-off with severe mental illnesses (the only reason I go there is because my Medicaid covers it).
I'm not ready for any group situation. My last experience in a group setting was in A.A. and I had alot of bad experiences through there, my anonymity was broken several times with people in there and I fear a similar situation will occur.
Then my friend who is in crisis with her boyfriend-situation called me today and I didn't answer. I keep deciding not to answer her calls anymore because she just unloads a bunch of negativity and drama on me and I feel like crap after every time I see or talk to her.
I was going to call her back and give her the low-down; that I really can't help her right now and how awful it is for me. But I got sucked back into her drama-schpeil once more and I finally had to lie and say that my phone battery was dying. I just don't want to be part of that family at all anymore. Her boyfriend's mom (who partially raised me) inflicted enough crap onto me and I can't do any more- not with her crazy kids, not with her crazy "future daughter-in-law".
Ugh. I feel really frazzled right now. I want ice cream!!! Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm also starting to think that my counselor isn't working out for me. Our last session (4th one so far) we just kind of went around in circles with me doing all the talking and her going "Hmm...".
Then she told me she wanted me to join this DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, I think) therapy group that she and her co-worker (another counselor who works there who really gave me the creeps for some reason) are starting and I just don't feel ready to be in any part of a group, especially seeing how most of their clients are really bad-off with severe mental illnesses (the only reason I go there is because my Medicaid covers it).
I'm not ready for any group situation. My last experience in a group setting was in A.A. and I had alot of bad experiences through there, my anonymity was broken several times with people in there and I fear a similar situation will occur.
Then my friend who is in crisis with her boyfriend-situation called me today and I didn't answer. I keep deciding not to answer her calls anymore because she just unloads a bunch of negativity and drama on me and I feel like crap after every time I see or talk to her.
I was going to call her back and give her the low-down; that I really can't help her right now and how awful it is for me. But I got sucked back into her drama-schpeil once more and I finally had to lie and say that my phone battery was dying. I just don't want to be part of that family at all anymore. Her boyfriend's mom (who partially raised me) inflicted enough crap onto me and I can't do any more- not with her crazy kids, not with her crazy "future daughter-in-law".
Ugh. I feel really frazzled right now. I want ice cream!!! Thanks for letting me vent.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
