How 2 manage a relapse?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
How 2 manage a relapse?
DP sober now 24 days. So very proud of him. He is seeing a private counsellor. I saw his counsellor for the first time last week and he posed me a question.
"what would I do if he had a relapse" say for example a binge, not unusual he tells me, you know two steps foward , one step back. but how acceptable would that be?
Yikes. I have become very clear on my boudaries in general. The drinking had to stop and he had to get help. He has done both of those things and made a commitment to stay sober for the rest of the year. I said choose alcohol or choose a meaningful honest relationship. He chose the relationship. So far he has been sober but in my commitment to support him how should I handle a binge if it happens I am not expecting it( A relapse that is) . Maybe the counsellor was testing me and my commitment or maybe realistically helping me prepare with a plan of action.
"what would I do if he had a relapse" say for example a binge, not unusual he tells me, you know two steps foward , one step back. but how acceptable would that be?
Yikes. I have become very clear on my boudaries in general. The drinking had to stop and he had to get help. He has done both of those things and made a commitment to stay sober for the rest of the year. I said choose alcohol or choose a meaningful honest relationship. He chose the relationship. So far he has been sober but in my commitment to support him how should I handle a binge if it happens I am not expecting it( A relapse that is) . Maybe the counsellor was testing me and my commitment or maybe realistically helping me prepare with a plan of action.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sounds like a good idea to figure out ahead of time what you want to do if a relapse happens. They happen with some frequency. So what do you want to do if it happens. Planning/thinking about it will help you deal with it if it happens.
I also second the question about what is a DP?
I also second the question about what is a DP?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I think it is so wise of you (and his counsellor) to pose the question to help you prepare for a relapse. When my AH came out of rehab and was "working his program" it was so "elating" for both of us. He felt amazing and like a little kid seeing things for the first time. I was sooooo proud of him and the fact that he chose us (our kids and I) over the bottle -- I had my husband back. It was good for a few months and I WAS NOT prepared for a relapse. It totally devestated me -- I think it was worse than everything else that had happened in the past -- very painful.
Preparing is such a good plan -- I wish someone had of asked me that question before it happened.
Preparing is such a good plan -- I wish someone had of asked me that question before it happened.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
thanks timetogo...so looking back on your experience what would you advise me?
How wold you have prefered to handle your husbands relapse? We are in the honeymoon phase here, Day 27. I am not being negative, i am being realistic because a rlape COULD happen.
How wold you have prefered to handle your husbands relapse? We are in the honeymoon phase here, Day 27. I am not being negative, i am being realistic because a rlape COULD happen.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
It helped me to spend some time thinking about what I was and was not comfortable with -
Was one beer okay?
What about 3 beers but no obvious signs of intoxication?
An all-out drunken spree?
How frequently was I prepared to deal with the emotions and (sometimes) chaos that my husband's drinking brought into my life?
What could I do to take care of myself if one (or all) of the above situations occurred? How could I ensure my safety, my peace, my sleep?
Having a plan helped a lot - I wish I'd had one when he came home from rehab.
Take care and my best to you and yours!
-TC
Was one beer okay?
What about 3 beers but no obvious signs of intoxication?
An all-out drunken spree?
How frequently was I prepared to deal with the emotions and (sometimes) chaos that my husband's drinking brought into my life?
What could I do to take care of myself if one (or all) of the above situations occurred? How could I ensure my safety, my peace, my sleep?
Having a plan helped a lot - I wish I'd had one when he came home from rehab.
Take care and my best to you and yours!
-TC
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When I first joined this forum and back when my late boyfriend had achieved sobriety for a time, I was so close to being done with the relationship that I was not willing to tolerate a relapse. I simply had had enough of his drinking and intolerable behavior. He maintained his sobriety for a period of 7-8 months, during which time I was supportive of his efforts, but the moment he started to drink again, I ended the relationship for good.
So my relapse plan was to end the relationship in the event of a relapse. There was no going back to accepting life with an active alcoholic for me. I was true to my word. I was done. It was the best decision I ever made.
So my relapse plan was to end the relationship in the event of a relapse. There was no going back to accepting life with an active alcoholic for me. I was true to my word. I was done. It was the best decision I ever made.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
In looking back, I wished I could have had the strength to set the boundary of "1 relapse equals end of relationship" (like FDM). I did threaten it though which only made it worse -- only taught him that I would be mad for a few days and then life would go on status quo. That's part of the work I have to do now -- recognizing my boundaries and what I am and am not willing to put up with.
You have to decide for yourself what your bottom will be. It is hard when we have such hope that "this will be the time". It's hard to focus on yourself and what's good for you when we're so wrapped up with them. That was/is part of my sickness -- I was soooooo wrapped up in everything he was doing, I lost myself. I lost my self-respect. I'm fighting hard to get that back now and the journey will be long, but FINALLY, I reached my bottom.
take it easy on yourself and just remember, one day at a time (sometimes 1 minute!)
You have to decide for yourself what your bottom will be. It is hard when we have such hope that "this will be the time". It's hard to focus on yourself and what's good for you when we're so wrapped up with them. That was/is part of my sickness -- I was soooooo wrapped up in everything he was doing, I lost myself. I lost my self-respect. I'm fighting hard to get that back now and the journey will be long, but FINALLY, I reached my bottom.
take it easy on yourself and just remember, one day at a time (sometimes 1 minute!)
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gold, nothing useful to add to these great thoughts, but that it's a good exercise to go through the scenarios and figure out what you plan to do. You may never have to do any of it, but having a plan is like that old adage "Trust in god but keep your powder dry."
Remember that the only life you can control is your own, and that alcoholism is a crafty foe. Having a plan would be wise, and will bring you an inner calm. How would you LIKE to react if he goes on a bender some night and doesn't come home? If you find a vodka bottle hidden in the trash? If he walks in the door reeking of alcohol some evening, and claims up and down he hasn't had a drop? What would your Best, Strongest Self do in those situations?
And by the way -- I'm glad you're proud of him. Are you also proud of YOU? You should be. Find five things that you think you're doing well right now (that don't involve him at all) and give yourSELF a pat on the back. Keep the focus on yourself as much as you can, just as he has to keep his focus on himself.
Remember that the only life you can control is your own, and that alcoholism is a crafty foe. Having a plan would be wise, and will bring you an inner calm. How would you LIKE to react if he goes on a bender some night and doesn't come home? If you find a vodka bottle hidden in the trash? If he walks in the door reeking of alcohol some evening, and claims up and down he hasn't had a drop? What would your Best, Strongest Self do in those situations?
And by the way -- I'm glad you're proud of him. Are you also proud of YOU? You should be. Find five things that you think you're doing well right now (that don't involve him at all) and give yourSELF a pat on the back. Keep the focus on yourself as much as you can, just as he has to keep his focus on himself.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I told AH relapse was not an option for me to continue on a path of not wanting a divorce.
He relapsed 16 in.
My kids ( daughter & son-in-law) came home from collage for Christmas and we started remodeling with with the help of my 3 teenage boys. This was a "surprise" job. A gift from my mom and kids to tear my house apart right before Christmans. The stress level in the house was WAY high. I was guilty of adding much to that stress.
So..... i had a talk with AH about the stress issue from his perspective and then gave mine. I told him in this one situation I would move forward and view it as an exceptional situation and assured him I wasn't thinking divorce. However, I let him know that we all have stress and that he is not special. That is why this would be and exception situation for me this one time. I explained that he was a stresser as much as others stressed him. I also let him know that I will not be perfect in supporting him through "our" difficult time of his recovery. Being just as weak as the next guy I get stressed too.
He started drinking soon after that again. I told him I was getting a divorce. I am happy to face the difficulties of divorce. I will no longer face the difficulties of being married to and AH.
Thats how I handled relapse. Decision made before hand- analyzed what i viewed as an exceptional situation, chose to let it ride- followed through with decision.
I believe the big thing is to make some decisions before hand, have as much clarity as possible in your own mind and heart.
He relapsed 16 in.
My kids ( daughter & son-in-law) came home from collage for Christmas and we started remodeling with with the help of my 3 teenage boys. This was a "surprise" job. A gift from my mom and kids to tear my house apart right before Christmans. The stress level in the house was WAY high. I was guilty of adding much to that stress.
So..... i had a talk with AH about the stress issue from his perspective and then gave mine. I told him in this one situation I would move forward and view it as an exceptional situation and assured him I wasn't thinking divorce. However, I let him know that we all have stress and that he is not special. That is why this would be and exception situation for me this one time. I explained that he was a stresser as much as others stressed him. I also let him know that I will not be perfect in supporting him through "our" difficult time of his recovery. Being just as weak as the next guy I get stressed too.
He started drinking soon after that again. I told him I was getting a divorce. I am happy to face the difficulties of divorce. I will no longer face the difficulties of being married to and AH.
Thats how I handled relapse. Decision made before hand- analyzed what i viewed as an exceptional situation, chose to let it ride- followed through with decision.
I believe the big thing is to make some decisions before hand, have as much clarity as possible in your own mind and heart.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I wouldn't put up with any relapse at all. Not because I'd be angry or blame him, it's just that I can't be happy that way. I worry too much to live with someone who's going through that part of their process. I would hope that if I were married to an addict and he relapsed unexpectedly, that I'd be able to detach completely with love.
It would be self-centered of me to assume that my partner should have recovery just because I want him too. I don't have the right to choose recovery for anyone but me. But I do get to choose whether or not to be with someone who is using/drinking. And so do you.
KJ
It would be self-centered of me to assume that my partner should have recovery just because I want him too. I don't have the right to choose recovery for anyone but me. But I do get to choose whether or not to be with someone who is using/drinking. And so do you.
KJ
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Oh my goodness. I am in awe of all your posts and support. This was exactly what I was looking for coming to SR. Thank you thank you thank you.
I am seeing his / our counsellor alone today to answer his question "what would I do in the event of a relapse"
My AP is under the illusion he can stay sober all year then next year start socially drinking and control it. I dont think this will necessarily work. He has not been to AA or joined SR does not really know how much in denial he is that this is a lifelong issue to manage. I actually think he needs to fall again to realise that.
I am prepared to support him through a relapse if he understands and commits to a lifetime plan following that. Then I excpet he will fall again and yes I would support him through that as he adjusts top that next level of commitment but is he falls a third time it is over because to me that constitutes a pattern of behaviour that is too destructive.
This really struck a chord with me. i can relate to how this happens, a part of me is slowly eroding and as well as fighting for our relationship rest assured I am definitely fighting for my self, self worth and joy. thank you.
Oh boy!. great comment, you certainly put it back on me didn't you! LOL Thank you. How would I like to react? With serene grace calm and dignity. I am such a calm loving nice person. Huh maybe I sould really crack the ***** big time for once in my life!!
That my friend is the most loving thing anyone has said to me in a long time. made me cry for the first time in weeks....so I am letting those tears flow. It had all been about him. I am such a strong confident intelligent person and have lost sight of myself a bit lately.
great food for thought there too. great username to BTW!
You are right. What am I commiting to myself? This wonderful man is so much more than his drinking so I want to commit to a long term relationship with him. Staying sober for this year is great and gives us sober time to work through issues, get counselling, learn about this bloody demon in his life that has now become mine. But Yes i do worry what happens in january 1st 2010 and beyond. Will all the work and progress of this year be wasted time, energy and actually a farce? Sometimes it is the uncertaintly of the alcoholism that causes so much grief isn't it? It can be so hard to plan for a future, to make goals together and love unconditionally when the drinker is being unloving.
You people are wonderful.
I am seeing his / our counsellor alone today to answer his question "what would I do in the event of a relapse"
My AP is under the illusion he can stay sober all year then next year start socially drinking and control it. I dont think this will necessarily work. He has not been to AA or joined SR does not really know how much in denial he is that this is a lifelong issue to manage. I actually think he needs to fall again to realise that.
I am prepared to support him through a relapse if he understands and commits to a lifetime plan following that. Then I excpet he will fall again and yes I would support him through that as he adjusts top that next level of commitment but is he falls a third time it is over because to me that constitutes a pattern of behaviour that is too destructive.
You have to decide for yourself what your bottom will be. It is hard when we have such hope that "this will be the time". It's hard to focus on yourself and what's good for you when we're so wrapped up with them. That was/is part of my sickness -- I was soooooo wrapped up in everything he was doing, I lost myself. I lost my self-respect. I'm fighting hard to get that back now and the journey will be long, but FINALLY, I reached my bottom.
Remember that the only life you can control is your own, and that alcoholism is a crafty foe. Having a plan would be wise, and will bring you an inner calm. How would you LIKE to react if he goes on a bender some night and doesn't come home? If you find a vodka bottle hidden in the trash? If he walks in the door reeking of alcohol some evening, and claims up and down he hasn't had a drop? What would your Best, Strongest Self do in those situations?
And by the way -- I'm glad you're proud of him. Are you also proud of YOU? You should be. Find five things that you think you're doing well right now (that don't involve him at all) and give yourSELF a pat on the back. Keep the focus on yourself as much as you can, just as he has to keep his focus on himself.
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....
having a sober partner is very important to me.
if you choose to drink, then I WILL..........
you say he has committed to staying sober THE REST of the year.....so let's say he does just that and then at 12:01 am on the first day of 2010 he starts drinking. is that ok?
let's say next week he stumbles and has a few beers. is that ok? is it ok once? twice?
you mentioned YOUR commitment a couple times....what is it exactly you are committing yourself to?
just some food for thought.....
having a sober partner is very important to me.
if you choose to drink, then I WILL..........
you say he has committed to staying sober THE REST of the year.....so let's say he does just that and then at 12:01 am on the first day of 2010 he starts drinking. is that ok?
let's say next week he stumbles and has a few beers. is that ok? is it ok once? twice?
you mentioned YOUR commitment a couple times....what is it exactly you are committing yourself to?
just some food for thought.....
You are right. What am I commiting to myself? This wonderful man is so much more than his drinking so I want to commit to a long term relationship with him. Staying sober for this year is great and gives us sober time to work through issues, get counselling, learn about this bloody demon in his life that has now become mine. But Yes i do worry what happens in january 1st 2010 and beyond. Will all the work and progress of this year be wasted time, energy and actually a farce? Sometimes it is the uncertaintly of the alcoholism that causes so much grief isn't it? It can be so hard to plan for a future, to make goals together and love unconditionally when the drinker is being unloving.
You people are wonderful.
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