timetogo

ok......I have pretty wide shoulders and can (and have) taken a lot of s**t in the past 10 years from my AH. Many many times, I have showed up to drive him somewhere ( he doesn't have a licence) and he hasn't been there. And stupidly (classic codie style) have waited, worried, left to go home and dealt with a drunk showing up hours later. And on more than one occasion (why did I never learn?). That's one thing................but since we are no longer talking (so rides from me are over!) and making attempts to go our separate ways, he is now asking my daughter to drive him around.

He asked her yesterday if she would meet him today at 2 to take him to look at apartments. She is 18 (almost 19) and, as much as I wanted to tell her not to do it, she is an adult and can make her own choices. She got called into work for 2 and said she couldn't come because she had "something to do". She went to pick him up at the location they had arranged and low and behold, he had gone AWOL. She waited and waited and called his work (all the things I do-did) and he was a no show. Now, it's one thing when he does it to me, but when he does it to her

I'm afraid I have raised a little codie! I talked with her and told her straight out how it was.....it's ok to say something to him about it (she usually doesn't because he is her 'parent' after all). And I told her to no longer arrange your life around him. If it is convenient for you -- it's your choice whether to pick him up or not.

I don't want to 'bash' her father to her because....well.....I'm better than that and he IS the only father she has. She can make her own decision about him. She knows that he has a drinking problem (doesn't know about the drug use - to my knowledge anyway)

How do I 'gently' guide her so she doesn't get caught up in his bull s**t?:wtf2

greeteachday

I think you have probably gently guided her with this:

I can relate to how you feel...mess with me, no problem, I'm a big girl and if I can't handle it, I'll figure it out somehow...but mess with my daughter...Mama Bear comes out. I don't like to see it, but I have figured out at least intellectually (not always in my heart) that just like me, she has to learn in her own way and in her own time. I try to remember she has a HP too and when I let go, she and her HP figure things out just fine.

Hugs.

timetogo

I think that I can sometimes forget that she has a HP too! thanks for reminding me!

outtolunch

How fabulous that you did not try and prevent her from being dad's driver and gave her the gift of the consequence, waiting and worrying.

Given her age, I would be inclined to share with her the facts of her dad's problems.

winnie12

Just a simple "I remember how i felt being put in that same situation" might be enough to let her know that you relate and understand how she feels without passing judgment or telling her what to do - heaven knows you understand what she is doing better than anyone. Then wait to see if she wants to talk more and you can tell her what you did to get past that instead of what he did. I think we can talk about the other parents weaknesses and our own weaknesses with our kids without bashing once they get to be old enough.

timetogo

as suspected, he didn't show up until 3:30 in the morning -- drunk again. I am struggling this morning because i'm so very angry and am trying to not get into one of "those p*ss**g matches" with him. I don't care that he didn't come home, it's what he did to her. Do I stay out of it and let her deal with how she felt or say something to him about it?

Freedom1990

She's an adult. He's an adult.

You can't control or fix her. You can't control or fix him.

My best suggestion would be to focus on yourself and what you can do today to improve your life.

imallright

Be there for her and stay the heck away from him. I know it's hard. There have been many times when my AH has hurt my kids (emotionally) that I wanted to just rip into him... but she is an adult and she has to work it through. Listen, support, but don't try to fix it! Hugs and support to you.